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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Woman won't tell me her last name      Home login  
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 Funnyfellow
Joined: 1/6/2008
Msg: 1
Woman won't tell me her last namePage 1 of 16    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)
I have been going out with a woman for the last three weeks who insists in not telling me her last name at this point in the relationship. What is the fear today of women not telling a fellow what her last name is? I have never had this experience before with a woman. Are people that paranoid in this society today not to share a basic bit of their identity with another out of some unfounded fear?
 CMonster
Joined: 12/4/2004
Msg: 2
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/7/2009 7:07:23 PM
Whatever the reason may be she may not feel completely comfortable with you. Out of curiosity, why is knowing her last name so important to you?
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 3
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Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/7/2009 7:28:49 PM
Has she told you why?

I was thinking, while reading the replies, it's funny for women it's a safety measure but if a man wouldn't tell you his last name before the first date, I bet most women wouldn't go out with him...as a safety measure.

I don't have a problem with my last name but I sure wouldn't tell some one my address in that short a time span, and I'd really get the creepy vibe if he tried to follow me home. But you know, we are all different.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 4
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/7/2009 7:31:12 PM

Whatever the reason may be she may not feel completely comfortable with you. Out of curiosity, why is knowing her last name so important to you?

I was wondering the exact same thing. Why does it matter what her last name is at this point?
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 5
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Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/7/2009 7:33:34 PM
Okay 3 weeks and you're upset she hasn't given you a last name? Have you asked her why? Could be she has had an ex stalk her? Her idenity stolen? Some other kind of bad experience in the past? Or are you giving off some vibe where she isn't sure she should trust you much? Or she could be cheating on some one?

Could be many reasons, not all of them have to do w/ you. Your best bet is just to ask her why no last name and go from there.
 yna6
Joined: 1/21/2007
Msg: 6
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/7/2009 7:52:17 PM
Mebbe she's yer cousin and don't wanna admit it...
Three weeks? How many dates? See each other daily? Not enough info.
If you still don't know after 4 weeks...move on...go look for someone a bit more serious.
Or...say to her "I got a secret, I got a secret...!" Tell her nothing about it...tell her it is way to sensitive material for you to be blabbing to her about, and that you may have to make a trip out of the country soon. Also, let it slip that it may concern millions of dollars from the state lottery...but you really can't say much more....except that you have to meet an overseas banker...
Leave it at that. Never bring it up again. If she does, just look at her and grin....
 wileygy
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 7
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Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/7/2009 7:57:12 PM

Are people that paranoid in this society today not to share a basic bit of their identity with another out of some unfounded fear?


maybe her fears aren't unfounded.times have changed my friend.people have trust issues ...that;s something we all will have to deal with more and more,especially as online dating grows.
 whytwater
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 8
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/7/2009 8:07:59 PM
I offer my name up early on. I keep hearing about all the nasty things that a wacko I may meet can do to me, with my name or other personal info, but I don't think I could hide, even if I tried, and besides, I'd feel silly and awkward withholding information about who I am, especially if I was asked. Ya know, the government's satellite eyes are good enough to pick me out of crowd. THAT worries me more than someone in an internet dating pool. How do I stop that sort of intrusion? Never look skyward again? Lol. (Or almost anyone can listen to my phone calls, or hack into my email.) Nope, can't do it.
And I don't think the risk is any greater for a woman than a man.
Any waiter who takes your credit card can rat you out for $5. If she leaves a cigarette or an empty wine glass behind, pick it up and you can learn her DNA! We live in fishbowls, and anyone who wants to scrutinize can do so easily, even if we try to hide, e.g., if she drives to meet you, get the plate number and you can find out her name on the web (assuming she owns the car). Hell, for 20 bucks, with little more than a name or a phone number, I can find a social security number, and address, who else lives with her, and the names and addresses of her neighbors!
But that's not the game I want to play. If someone prefers to hide, from me and the rest of the world, and I can't coax her out, she's not my kinda person, and my interest will evaporate, sadly, but quickly.
 anonymouslyme
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 9
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/7/2009 9:31:00 PM
I agree with the people that say she's just being careful. Unfortunately, these days people have to be vigilant in protecting their safety, especially if you have kids living in your home. You will ease her fears by being patient and not pushing.
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 10
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Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/7/2009 10:00:43 PM
She's a secret agent, and she's pumping you for information.

Seriously, if she's this paranoid, then why is she even alone with you? You don't NEED someone's name to assault them. You need them, and she's given you that.
Maybe she's run away from an abusive husband, and she doesn't want anyone to know who she is, in case he hears about where she is.
Who knows?
Point is, if you're f*cking, or just hanging out, that's fine.

But you cannot live with someone and not know their legal name, because you need your legal name to take on responsibilities, such as having bank accounts, holding down a legal job and paying social security, and paying bills.

It ain't serious. Far from it.
 Bestestfish
Joined: 2/12/2006
Msg: 11
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/8/2009 12:35:51 AM
Because a complete background check is available for a mere $39.95 on the net. There are search engines that will locate your place of residence for free. Had a few loonies from social network sites land on my door at the old place so I never answer the door unless I know them. So "classmates" is the only site I will put my entire name on.
 whytwater
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 12
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/8/2009 1:34:06 AM

In three weeks time why is it so important to know her last name anyway?


Lotsa women posting here seem to think it's the better practice for two adults bent on romance to keep things on a first-name, and only first-name, basis. Kind of reminds me of the rule at Alcoholics Anonymous.
If you meet someone new at a social event, or in the workplace, you are introduced as Ms. -------, and the other by his surname. Surnames only! My god, identity breaches abound.
When we meet IRL, I offer my hand as I tell you my names, first and last. I mean, really, should we be using our pof screen names for all occasions?
Turn it around, and try to imagine how you would feel if a new man in your life, who you hoped to see again, refused to disclose his name. There would be a thread about it, and everyone would be categorizing the refusal as a red flag.
 VivaciousVixen2010
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 13
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/8/2009 1:34:11 AM
i weed out the garbage before i meet them.
by the time i meet them, i want their birthdate, last name, workplace, home address, all truths................NO SECRETS
I don't trust a person who has something to hide. When i find out that "secret" it is
N E V E R good. always really really bad.
man may not like some of the things, that i have had to say, but i have not been deceptive.
a woman hiding her name is a snake in the grass. hey, if i feel out of sorts with sombody, i don't bother this gameplayer is full of schitt
 tallyover
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 14
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/8/2009 3:35:11 AM
Did you offer her all your demographic information? If the reason she's not disclosing her last name is for safety she would appreciate having your information first. Give her until the next date to decide if she's ready to reciprocate.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 15
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/8/2009 4:20:46 AM
But you cannot live with someone and not know their legal name, because you need your legal name to take on responsibilities, such as having bank accounts, holding down a legal job and paying social security, and paying bills.

It ain't serious. Far from it.

It's been three weeks, of course it's not serious....and moving in isn't even an thought at three weeks. Last names aren't relevant before dating seriously...and three weeks is pretty early on.

I'd be suspicious of someone asking me too...tho I would share it in conversation eventually - being flat out asked what it is would strik me odd and make me not want to divulge it. It doesn't matter that much.

And,on the flip-side,when i was meeting/dating guys,i didnt know ANY of their surnames,either.............ANY of them !!!!!
And,it didnt bother me in the least.
I never thought anything of it.

Exactly, that's the point. I don't care what theirs is - if they tell me, fine but I don't ask either. It's not something that dawns on me to ask...
 cooldude
Joined: 4/26/2004
Msg: 16
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/8/2009 4:26:17 AM
I'm all for safety. But if someone's hiding their identity after going out after a month, I would be worried about MY safety.

I would be wondering if the shoe was on the other foot, if a man was not giving out last name, how many women who would think what is he hiding?!?
 strollinbella
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 17
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/8/2009 4:48:29 AM
Last year, after chatting online with a man I met on POF, I gave him my phone number prior to our first date. I thought that he could call me if he was running late. On the appointed day I emailed him and asked him if he needed directions. His reply, "Not to worry. I used the reverse look up on 411, typed in your number, and now have your last name and address." Really creeped me out, let me tell you. I did go out with him, but soon realized that I should have listened to the alarm bells ringing in my head re the 411 incident...and ended things.


Edited to add: I have started a new safety measure since my date with that man. He quite innocently told me that he had driven around my building once he'd dropped me off, so he could try to figure out which unit was mine!! I now leave my kitchen and living room lights on when leaving for a first date. Thankfully I don't live on the first floor!!
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 18
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Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/8/2009 5:21:25 AM
Three weeks is not a particularly long time to know someone and yes, people need to be careful so what you perceive as unfounded fear is real fear to many people, particularly if they have dealt with stalking behavior or knows someone that has lived with it. An x of my x stalked us when we started dating, it was horrible.

To assume that her fears are unfounded or unreasonable really reflects poorly on you and your ability to respect her wishes and needs.
 cooldude
Joined: 4/26/2004
Msg: 19
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/8/2009 5:23:42 AM
I'm not the only one who feels that way...see posts 7 & 46


An x of my x stalked us when we started dating, it was horrible.

To assume that her fears are unfounded or unreasonable really reflects poorly on you and your ability to respect her wishes and needs.


Another reason I would be concerned why she would be withholding information. If her ex-husband is stalking her, that would be putting her date in danger as well. That would be a situation I would not want to get into. That would not be respecting my safety or personal protection.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 20
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/8/2009 5:31:48 AM
hope you read my previous post and also,"Dj's".....coz ive never even thought to ask anyone their surname.....

I mean, unless you're gonna marry them (and take the name) what does it matter?

To me the first three months are initial with regard to information, and it's all need to know - and no I don't ask anything I don't need to know nor does it matter to me.

You MIGHT see my apartment after three months (I prefer six, but will relax that if I feel you won't show up there unannounced)...and it's not about safety alone, it's about my space and my privacy, both of which I value fiercely. Just because I feel privacy is important doesn't mean everyone does - a lot of people take it upon themselves based on their own theory that dating you once or twice entitles them to your life.

It doesn't.
 smileee4u
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 21
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/8/2009 5:54:47 AM
If she doesn't trust you enough by now... there is something definitely wrong. Ask her why she doesn't want to tell you. Maybe there is a story for her to tell about the history of a bad experience she had. Be kind-hearted and understanding. Know that you are entering the unknown region called the twilight zone.
 Dynamic0003
Joined: 6/28/2008
Msg: 22
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Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/8/2009 7:32:26 AM
I like to know who I am with, and usually ask him if we have friends in common,

I'm certain men do the same thing. I know they do, it is quite easy to find out

a last name by asking. If a woman doesn't want to give out her last name, there

is something she is hiding...that's what I think!
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 23
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/8/2009 7:50:32 AM
You have been seeing her for three weeks and she won't tell you her last name?

1. She is extremely paranoid.

2. She is married.

3. You have done something to make her a bit uneasy and she is still "judging" you.

4. Her last name is Katzenjammerfreudinskyjones and it just isn't worth the effort to spell it for you.

When you say she "insists," does that mean you have asked and it has become an issue? Or does she merely evade the question?

Have you asked her why?
 catkin2007
Joined: 12/18/2007
Msg: 24
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/8/2009 8:00:49 AM
Okay - three weeks, right? Well, have you only seen her a couple of times? Or, have you actually seen her alot in three weeks?

Either way, just ask her. Her reasons can be from A-Z and untilyou ask her in a non-threatening manner, you will never know, now will you?
 Ms Brat
Joined: 1/31/2008
Msg: 25
Woman won't tell me her last name
Posted: 1/8/2009 8:22:07 AM
If you are "going out" with her - does that mean you pick her up at her home? You must know her phone number, where she lives, her license plate and what else?? I think its just weird. If you wanted to, you could find it out for yourself. Why would she be dating you if she didn't trust you? If she doesn't give it up - her name that is - pretty soon, I see this as a big red flag...
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