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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
OK, so I've been married twice...first time around I was 2 weeks shy of 21 and had a little one on the way, tried to do the right thing, but married the completely wrong girl, while I was still a boy basically. But I took my responsibility seriously, and even though we split up after 15 months of marriage, I remained a weekly part of my son's life while he was growing up. I always figured in the back of my head that at the very latest, by the time I was 40 I would be married again and have a family, something I missed out on after my son was 9 months old.

Fast forward to when I was 39, and even though I'd had a few instances where I got close, I hadn't gotten married again and was more focused on my career than anything else. Then I met a girl online, and subsequently in person, and even though she was much younger than what I normally would have pursued (and vice versa, despite her usual tastes running towards older men), we hit it off. I was impressed by her seeming maturity, and even though I assumed it was just a fling, within a few months we had fallen in love, and as we did, the age difference was never really a factor between her and I. So at the age of 40 (she was 20) I got married again, and was hoping to have everything I had always wanted, namely a home and a family. We were married for just over 3.5 years, and fortunately had no children in that time. Like any marriage we had our ups and downs, especially that last year, but I truly loved my wife and she was my best friend, which made the end of our marriage all the more hurtful.

Since then I've dated some, both younger and older than myself, but nothing really too serious. I threw myself back into my career and relocated for a while to get away from her, and to recover financially from the wreckage in the aftermath, which wasn't easy with the credit card debt she ran up. Believe me I've learned my lesson, and while I still haven't given up on the possibility of a family someday, no matter how unlikely that appears, I would never again date anyone younger than mid 30s at the most. But the odd thing is when I mention the fact that I was 40 and married to a 20 y/o woman I typically get one of two universal responses. Men pat me on the back like I did something great, and women tend to look at me with a look of distaste, like I did something wrong. Now this isn't info I spill all at once on a first date, but at some point you have to tell the story of how you ended up where you did. It seems people are more focused on our ages when we were married, instead of the fact that we were in love when we got married, and the age thing wasn't a factor then. I guess my question is, would you judge a person based on the age of his ex?
 i like cats
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 2
Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?
Posted: 1/8/2009 7:13:28 PM
Don't know why I would ask how old someone's ex was.... especially early on.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 3
Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?
Posted: 1/8/2009 7:22:24 PM
As a guy, I would give you a pat on the back for landing a date with a 20 year old when you're 40, but to say you married a girl at 20 when you're 40 -- I would have a sit down conversation with you!

Everyone does and should make basic general assessments about someone based on their history. If you dated a 20 year old when 40, it'd say something about you, just like they say that you can tell a lot about someone based on the close friends that they have, too.

It's a two-fold generation gap, on top of her not being able to drink yet. Yeah, yeah, she was different -- I'm sure she was. The relationship as a whole lasted over 4 years, that is unique. There are two issues though:
(1) Why would a 20 year old girl want anything serious with a 40 year old guy? Either she has issues, or she was a lesser pick but her young age mainly drew you in (ie you have issues).
(2) Not even old enough to drink yet, and you got married to her? A massive majority of women are going to significantly change from 19 to 25. You, at that age, are not. It's not much about age, but about getting past the youth. A fling or short-term relationship results in the guy pat on the back, but a set-for-eternity relationship when she hasn't changed yet? It's hard to grow together.

There are exceptions of certain, rare situations. But every situation's different, so just because there are some "uncommon" factors involved, doesn't mean "mine's different". I can't tell if yours was or not, just saying that 99% of the time, no, it's not. Therefore, a woman has every right to make a judgment CALL (probability assumption) about it.

I think the message it'd send to a girl is that you're looking for "young girls". Besides that, they may think you have serious issues picking out a girl, thus thinking you have issues.
Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?
Posted: 1/8/2009 8:08:56 PM

Now this isn't info I spill all at once on a first date, but at some point you have to tell the story of how you ended up where you did.


Like I said in this post initially, its NOT something that comes up immediately, but eventually it will. Or not; I guess I could just say I was married for a few years and then got divorced. But would a woman be upset to find out later on in our relationship?

I do appreciate the responses. The fellow above hit the nail on the head, something I had to learn the hard way. It wasn't the age difference necessarily that was the problem, but more the difference in life experience. There is a huge distinction between a 45/25 relationship and a 40/20 relationship, precisely because of the varying experience levels.
 BuffaloGalLooking
Joined: 10/27/2008
Msg: 5
Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?
Posted: 2/2/2009 5:05:50 PM
I'm a big believer in the 2:1 age ratio. 40 yo man goes well with a 20 yo gal. A 50 yo guy is ideal for a 25 yo gal. Women won't admit the reason for their distaste - they think you have used up ALL of your sexual energy on the young one and have none left over for them.







You're kidding me, right!??!?!

 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 6
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Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?
Posted: 2/3/2009 9:57:07 AM
OP......Many will look at you as trying to solve a midlife crisis by allowing yourself to be with, and marry someone half your age.....that is a given, right or wrong.

What I would be even more concerned about, is that you have already been married twice, both failed with many problems, and you want to try a third time. The solution is not another marriage, but working on yourself to understand how you could be involved in two failures, and thinking that you need a third.

Add a marriage to someone young enough to be your daughter, and what I end up seeing are red flags about self esteem issues, self worth, and control problems that need to be addressed professionally.

Maybe you need to spend more time understanding yourself, fixing yourself, and enjoying yourself, before you allow someone else in your life with you thinking that they will be the solution, but instead, end up being just another problem, because you are the real issue, not them.

Just my opinion.......
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 7
Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?
Posted: 5/5/2011 12:44:52 PM
Age> No

The fact you need to talk about it would.


My guess if this is an issue..It's your fault. Why mention her age?

I have never asked a man his ex's age and no man has ever asked me......ODD.

What woman asks about the age of an ex wife? None I know.


but at some point you have to tell the story of how you ended up where you did.

^^^^^^^^^^^

Sure, if you have some carry over problems. Like cooties or bankruptcy, but doubt a little girl put you in the poor house after 3 years with no kids.


Please.
What has her age got to do with it anymore than her hair length, color or boob size?
BRAGGING..........zzzzzzzzz:

Waiter!!! refill
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 8
Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?
Posted: 5/5/2011 2:18:15 PM
I guess my question is, would you judge a person based on the age of his ex?


It depends on the the circumstances and how old they were when they married.

I once met a man on another dating site, whose second ex-wife was his daughter's best friend in high school. He first met her when she and his daughter were both seniors. His daughter would frequently bring her friend to the house. He got the girl pregnant, and they married when she turned 19. He was 40 at the time.

It rubbed me the wrong way that this man would go after a high school student who was a friend of his own daughter. I can imagine how upset the girl's parents must have been about the situation. If she had been 30 and he had been 51, it would have been a different story.
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 9
Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?
Posted: 5/7/2011 2:10:01 PM
Who cares as long as it works for you... oh wait.. it didn't.
The odd thing is, as several people have pointed out, is that the age of an X even came up.
If for some asinine reason it did come up and the new love interest was put off by it, that would only mean that the two of you aren't necessarily a good match, not that it was right or wrong!
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 10
Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?
Posted: 5/12/2011 10:52:33 AM
Well for me, the age difference is a turnoff because I consider 20 young adult not adult.

However, I believe that discussions about exes should be limited to what went wrong in the relationship IF you and/or your date consider that to be legitimate to the current relationship. Physical attributes, age, culture, etc are irrelevant. These people are exes because you are supposed to be moving on, discussing details about them is dwelling in the past so far as I'm concerned.

Best wishes,

Nutt
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 11
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Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?
Posted: 5/12/2011 7:41:31 PM
I wouldn't.

But then again, I personally know both men and women who at age 20 or so were FAR more mature and emotionally stable than other people I know in their late 40s and early 50s.
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 13
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Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?
Posted: 5/18/2011 5:51:37 PM
Janet_Always wrote:


A guy that talks about his ex is a turnoff, so just avoid it.

Bit of a digression - but that's a sort of odd point of view.

What if the woman the guy is with ASKS about his ex? Is he supposed to pretend he didn't hear the question?

What if he's talking about something event in his past where his ex was present? Is he supposed to edit her out?
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 15
Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?
Posted: 5/19/2011 1:42:23 PM
All relative to the person you are dating. I could care less of what has happened in the past as long as there was a learning curve involved.

If I "judged" all the women that I know that have been "taken in" by the million of "players" out there, I would be hung by a noose. I'd be hung AND shot, if I ever "judged" the women that I know that have been "taken in" by these players more than once, which I COULD consider a gauge of intellect, AND common sense.

But, on the other hand woman, don't seem to have a problem gauging "maturity" level by the OP's situation.

And now I ask........


really?????
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 16
Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?
Posted: 5/19/2011 4:07:35 PM

i just can't fathom anyone taking advantage of a young adult.


The good old USA sends 18 year olds to die under the disguise of "protecting" the red,white and blue.

"taking advantage" ?????!!!!!!!!!
 tatjana25
Joined: 2/15/2010
Msg: 17
Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?
Posted: 5/19/2011 10:40:54 PM
That's so gross.

Hope she got something out of it.
 Casper66
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 18
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Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?
Posted: 5/20/2011 2:01:16 AM
Not sure why the age of your ex would come up in conversation, but I have to say that I'd have a eeewww feeling about it, there is a world of difference in life experience and maturity level at 20 and at 40. Personally the person I was at 20 was completely different than the person I am at 30 and 40, you grow as a person, mature, make mistakes and hopefully learn from those choices and experiences. It's always up to the individual to decide if this is a complete turn off or not in dating .
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 19
Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?
Posted: 5/20/2011 11:01:40 AM
Your first marriage wouldn't concern me but yes your second, would concern me. The first you can use the excuse of lack of maturity but fast forward 20 years later, lack of maturity at 40+ isn't attractive at all.

You were flattered that a 20 year old might find you attractive enough and you didn't use your thinking head to ask yourself why.




I threw myself back into my career and relocated for a while to get away from her, and to recover financially from the wreckage in the aftermath, which wasn't easy with the credit card debt she ran up. Believe me I've learned my lesson,....


That was the "why" she married you. I'll bet when the debts got too high and the credit limits were exhausted that's when things started unravaling after 2.5 years. Sorry to break it to you, but the only "love" there lasted as long as the credit limits!

OP...you're still in denial stating that you were both in "love"! You may have been in love with her youth and the perceived boost that gave your ego, but you were taken for a ride. You aren't the first nor the last, person to have that happen to them, but there seems to be a history to your "lack of maturity" and your inability to really see or admit to the motivations behind your 2nd ex. What "lesson" did you learn?

 Jersey125
Joined: 1/23/2011
Msg: 20
Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?
Posted: 5/20/2011 12:22:01 PM
Who cares.

What is the point of getting twisted about the person they were married to before you.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 21
Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?
Posted: 5/20/2011 12:31:47 PM
That's so gross.

I'm having a little difficulty reconciling that statement with your comment in the scientology thread in which you said that you'd date Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise is almost 50. How could you be ok with dating a guy who is almost 2 1/2 tims your age, yet think it's gross for a guy that age to date a woman your age?
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 22
Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?
Posted: 5/20/2011 4:05:25 PM

OP...you're still in denial stating that you were both in "love"!


Why would you say this???? Where you part of the deal when the OP was married with this young thing???? Or are you "assuming" it was because of the money,,,,because????????? Oh,,,that's right, all young women marry older for the $$$$$$$. Every SINGLE ONE of them.

Honestly people, the OP asked about how to handle the age of his ex wife. Some here asked why it should come up???? Really?????

Reread some of your comments. The ignorance and arrogance is quite visible.

Now OP, you KNOW, why you should NEVER EVER bring up this subject again in front of ANY females for the rest your life. Now, go sit in the corner until you grow up
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 23
Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?
Posted: 5/21/2011 10:04:46 AM

Why would you say this???? Where you part of the deal when the OP was married with this young thing???? Or are you "assuming" it was because of the money,,,,because????????? Oh,,,that's right, all young women marry older for the $$$$$$$. Every SINGLE ONE of them.

Honestly people, the OP asked about how to handle the age of his ex wife. Some here asked why it should come up???? Really?????

Reread some of your comments. The ignorance and arrogance is quite visible.


Walt... it's evident that you read selectively!

It was the OP who stated that his wife of 3.5 years decimated him financially! In the last year he saw the marriage unravel, due to financial reasons. Doing the math that says that the marriage survived 2.5 years of plenty and when the credit limits were maxed it started going down hill. He had to move away from her because of that!
I don't state anywhere that EVERY younger woman will take an older man for a ride....although you hear of many....but this one certainly did!

In my books a woman who "loves" her husband regardless of age wouldn't look to decimate him financially. She obviously got as much as she could as fast as she could and moved on when the tap was dry. He may have been in love, but I certainly doubt she was, otherwise they'd still be working and building together.

If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck....it usually is a duck.
That's something he has to learn from.
His life choices and decisions create a history and pattern of behaviour on his part, so yes his ex wife's age could be a turn-off.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 24
Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?
Posted: 5/21/2011 10:34:44 AM

In my books a woman who "loves" her husband regardless of age wouldn't look to decimate him financially. She obviously got as much as she could as fast as she could and moved on when the tap was dry.


Well, all I know is that GREED knows no boundries,especially with age. I know many women that have taken their "husbands (after more years of marriage than the OP's situation) to the cleaners. MANY of them were A LOT older than the OP's ex. Ya know, like our ages. Don't tell me what people "in love" will do to each other, we see it all around us, and some of it isn't pretty.

We all learn from our past, and one of the things I have learnt is that we are not on this earth forever. I hear all the time here in these forums about how it would be nice to be able to find someone that we can spend time with having "fun", enjoying each other's company,etc. I also hear from some about these youngsters being "used" by the older ones.(male and female) Hell, couldn't we ALL say that we are ALL being "used" in some way, shape or form when in a relationship??????
Just as I won't label EVERY female that I meet when comparing to my "past" experinces, I will not label every young-old partnership with such generic ca ca. Take notice on the negativity here and who it's being posted by. The OP GOT HIS ANSWER to his question, especially if he ever wants to enter a relationship again with someone his own age. I'm sure he is thanking ALLLLLLLL you girls for your replies.

He will now keep his yap shut about parts of his past, and then be labelled a liar later.

Correct?????
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 25
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Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?
Posted: 5/23/2011 4:50:44 PM
Correct, indeed!

Damned if he does, damned if he doesn't.
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 26
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Age of ex-wife a turnoff when dating?
Posted: 5/23/2011 4:56:29 PM
Janet_Always wrote:


Sometimes I have asked a simple "how long have you been divorced" or "how long were you married" kind of question and walked away from the date knowing way more about the ex-wife than I did the guy I was trying to get to know.


That's not talking about an ex-wife, that's going overboard.

Though, in one particular noteworthy case, a woman asked me about my ex, and my past marriage, and I had no problem answering. Didn't feel I had anything to hide - and, like me, the woman herself was divorced and had a child.

Then she asked follow up questions. Again, pretty innocuous, and again, I had no problems answering, and then she'd ask about certain aspects, etc.

Then, subsequent to that conversation, she didn't think it would work - keep in mind, we hadn't met yet.

The reason? Because the amount of time I spent talking about my ex-wife, to her, CLEARLY indicated that I was obsessed with my ex and not over her!

I am not kidding, this actually happened!

Obviously at some point I was supposed to stop answering her questions, or ask her "Why do you want to know so much about my previous relationship?" or something....


So, maybe it's the bias of my past experience, but I wonder, then, what constitutes a simple direct question. While that one case was a pretty bizarre example, in my own experience, I have *never* met a woman who simply asked about how long I was married, or how long since I'd been divorced, and it being that and nothing more following.
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