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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Child support issue has gone through      Home login  
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 2
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Child support issue has gone throughPage 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Child support is not a paycheck, bu t it's there for both parents to be responsible in supporting their child financially. One parent shouldn't have to scrounge out savings if the other parent can contribute since he's not being a part of the kids' lives.

OP, the kids don't need their father if he hasn't been involved for 3 years, if they know his true colors, chances are they could care less since he hasn't made any effort to be in their lives. Perhaps it's more an illusion of what having a dad around would mean to them. If he's threatening you, and you are in fear of him, why would you even let him around the kids? Is he working under the table that he can't get his checks garnished to get your child support? If you have to file a protective custody for you, then you should do so. Too many crazy people these days. Make sure you keep recordings if they are coming from him and document everything.
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 4
Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 9:42:18 AM

The main issue is that he has been unable to hold a steady job for over ten years and he has always been VERY bad with money.

And when you look into the mirror what do you see? I will accept that he does not have very much money because he is shiftless and unreliable. But a single parent who is in sales should be themselves able to provide for their children adequately enough.

As to fears about the economy and the general state of the job market. Sales are down 40% for many people and for someone who is principle paid by commission I am looking at a rather bleak year.

Going on 7yrs now and I have paid all of the bills and never seen a dime. We cannot downgrade on the home because it was always near the bottom but the additional bills can be streamlined.

But recently his stints have included Limo Driver, house painter and commercial trucker. He lost his marbles and it is affecting his children now.

So if he is having personal issues and unable to keep a job....having the state hound him..or drive him underground will no doubt do wonders....

Me, I'm looking for a second job which means more time not spent with my kids. They need at least one responsible adult that is always there for them, I have always been that person. My fear is also how the hours a second job will require will affect their school work, their safety and their general well being.

But you marginalize or make petty comments about what your ex is doing or not doing in respect to earning an income.....yet not addressing what you are yourself you do not seem to be doing much better in respect to finacially providing for your children......perhaps the truth is more about what you are unable to do yourself?

I really wish my ex had helped with the daycare costs...or the sport costs...or the costs of braces...the school costs...the clothing costs...

but reality is she has not held regular work for a few years..or worked under the table....

so I pay the bills because I am working...holding down a job....and sometimes not getting a few things for myself because the children need things...

So if you are so responsible and established...why are you unable to not go it alone?
You hold your ex to a value and what do you say about where you are?

I'm literally afraid. Not only for myself, but afraid he will harm himself and the kids need their Dad. I cannot talk to him he is very unbalanced right now.
Has anyone dealt with this? I hate drama and honestly do not know how to handle this.

If you hate the drama you walk away from it. If they are unbalanced you try to avoid situations that create heightened anxieties.

The reality is your anger or frustration about doing it alone has perhaps clouded your judgement. Or you are simply not much better yourself at finacially providing for yourself and your children?

If you are unable to...then your ex...and or the state should be helping you and your children...because it is not the fault of the children that they have parents who are unable to provide for them. As you have so very well established your ex is seemingly unable to due to history and mental instability....and you are where?
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 5
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Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 11:19:56 AM
If he is so unbalanced, then why are you squeezing and hammering him for child support money, thereby making him even more unbalanced?

I understand that it's his children too, and that by not paying child support he is truly a deadbeat, but on the other hand one ought to weigh out what is most important I would think.

If you truly believe that it's important for your children's father to be in their lives, then you should be squeezing and hammering for him to get help at this time. The child support can wait until he is more stable.
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 6
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Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 11:23:30 AM

Anybody who hates giving money to the ex

That's exactly it. YOu nailed it. It's not "child support." It's "ex-wife support" disguised as child support.

It's so ****ed up how child support is handled in our country. There is literally no stipulations on how the money is spent. It's all forked over to the custodial parent and the custodial parent is free to spend the money however they please, which is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of.

I don't begrudge my kids the money, so long as I know it's THEM that is benefiting from it. In fact, I would be GLAD that they are getting the benefit fromt hat money.

I begrudge the fact that my ex-wife can spend that money however she pleases, though.
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 10
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Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 12:50:35 PM
Get an injunction of protection (restraining order) if he threatens you in any way. You said he has threatend you before, what did he do? Keep a log of any threats, phone calls or what ever that might be considered harasment. You do not have to put up with that. An injunction or restraining order will be issued if you can show the court that you were threatend or harassed. Phone records can show harrasment, witnesses are nice but are not a requierment to show a threat.

You did the right thing going to the state about the none payment of child supprt. He is taking from the kids by not providing the support. You gave him plenty of time, so he messed up. The threat that he might harm himself is sad, but you can not let him use that to control you or to let him get away with not providing for his kids.

Make sure your home is secure. Keep yourself safe. A home security system is better then a gun unless you a trained and ready to use a gun. For you I would go with a home security system.

The big question is are the kids safe with him?
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 12
Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 1:57:52 PM

I used to live in Walden NY for close to 2yrs so I am very aware of the opportunities and perhaps shortcomings of what is available for single parents in the US.

As to subsidized daycare I was and for a few months eligible to use it 4 months after my separation since my youngest was 6yrs old. My requirements were of course only before and after school care.

I was lucky and to be truthfull used the poor single father scenario to get her into a subsidized spot after only 4months since my work and territory was over an hour away from home. Once the home was sold and all the bills paid off I was no longer interested in using the system. So I was paying the full cost out of my pocket...on my own....but then I was also able to have them covered longer into the evening. After all what good is daycare when you have to be there by 6pm and you are 4hrs away from home?

And yes the child allowance is in Canada a great situation for single parents as it can be as much as $250 per child I believe per the next time you see a single parent complaining in Canada one should remember this little monthly cheque.....but fortunately.....I am receiving very little due to where my commission went...LOL..however......once 2009 is over....I may be back receiving a cheque.....much to my displeasure.

As to your access to your ex I give you high compliments as some mothers seem intent on blocking or eliminating any and all access. In my case I have always welcomed it...but then also realize that the children have always preferred spending time with that choice is far easier for me. In fact for both I have been at times a full time custodial and for the one it has been almost 3yrs now.

As to dealing with manic depressive personality or bi-polar I can imagine it has been very challenging and difficult for you from an emotional point of view. It is already difficult be raising children alone without also having to deal with the emotional fallout or emotional baggage on the children that results from having an ex partner who suffers from these issues.

Been there and am still going through the issues as the children try to deal with the the same problems. Perhaps in my case the issue may have been PMDD?

As to poor choices on my part? Perhaps as I thought perhaps with the wrong head when I entered my relationship? I would never begrudge or turn-back the clock in respect to the situation that has blessed me with 2 wonderful and enterprising children.
But if I was to be completely honest there were red flags or warning signs that I either refused to acknowledge or thought i could live with. but they were choices i made and choices I have to accept along with the result....including having her have her dog attack me....which she also did to her bf before me.....and punch me saying any real man could take it....and wanting me to challenge her brother when he retaliated by slapping her back...

In my case; I am able to earn enough that will allow me to pay the bills and not require cs being paid. If I do legally to ask for cs I will have consequences that I am not prepared to deal with. My ex is again out of work. Once she does start working the amount she earns is not significant as she chooses to work in a field below her capabilities as it is less stressful. If she is forced to work in the higher earnings field...what might be the result? Well..since she has 2 siblings who committed sucide there might be one of the answers....or simply the fact the legal costs would never warrant the return.

Or taking the small amount that would be awarded would further reduce the existing relationship that she has with her children.

I never once suggested you were lazy. I simply asked what you were doing and how well you were employed since you so easily illustrated where your ex was.

I do have great sympathy for a large number of single parents who toil for long hours to provide for their children. i have little to no sympathy for parents who do not provide or complain about what they do not have because of the other parent.

In a perfect world we would all still be married and happy. i might suggest I have the perfect world today....

The reality is sometimes the requirement I hear from custodial is not that they need the money but that they are obsessed with making the ex partner pay money even when they illustrate the reality that they are unable to work full time at a job. If you had suggested you were struggling and your ex was working and earning a good income I doubt I would have asked the questions I did.
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 13
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Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 6:29:06 PM

There comes a time when you focus more on your own responsibilities and forego trying to find someone else to take care of them for you.

No, dude, women feel ENTITLED to that money. lol Not just that, but do they feel like they need to spend it on the child? Not according to some single moms I know. That's right, not only do they feel entitled to the money (sorry girls, you're not entitled to SHIT), but they also feel ZERO GUILT in spending some of the money on themselves.
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 15
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Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/10/2009 6:55:29 PM

Till death do you part" is only said in certain Christian religious wedding ceremonies. I, as well as many others do not follow that doctrine

You shouldn't have kids with someone that you wouldn't want in your life "til death."

Not saying that you have to stay in a relationship with them, but if you're with someone that you couldn't imagine being in their life forever, you might not want to have kids with that person.
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 16
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Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/11/2009 5:43:35 PM

You cannot withhold access if support is not paid.

And that's the way it should be. Damn. The MOST important thing in those childrens lives are ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS the time they spend with the non-custodial parent (assuming, of course, that the non-custodial parent is sane and fit to be around the child).

Using child support as a form of control over getting child support paid is among one of the sickest and most disgusting things I've ever heard in my life.

But you are right, I HATE family law. I hate a law system that demands money just be forked over to the other parent with no stipulations on how it is spent on the children (nor do they CARE if it's spent on the children). I hate a law system that defaults to every other weekend when agreement cannot be reached rather than noticing that joint custody is the best option for the children. I hate a law system that defaults that the woman is always the custodial parent unless she is proven unfit (which is almost impossible) and doesn't take the time to actually make a judgement call on who the BEST parent would be for the child (not just forking them over to one gender as long as they aren't complete wastes of flesh).

What most people don't understand is that those of us who pay child support do not begrudge the children the money at all. In fact, if it goes where it's supposed to, I feel better knowing they have that money. But those of us who pay child support understand that there is literally NO stipulations on how the money is spent. It's money handed over to the other parent with no real regulation as to whether it actually gets spent on the children.

And as such, those of us who pay support, **** about it every chance we get because of this. Not only that, but I'd wager that some people don't pay it for this reason. I'd bet if there were stricter guidelines on how the money was spent, there'd be more people paying it.
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 17
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Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/11/2009 5:59:32 PM

though i think that live fathers paying support have the right to see where the money goes, not just the dead fathers.

Not sure what you meant by the dead fathers part...

My personal thought on how child support is handled should be as such:

A portion of the money never even reaches the custodial parents hands, but rather is forwarded directly to things such as rent, electric, utilities, etc.

Another portion of the money still doesn't reach the custodial parents hands, but is rather moved to an account in the children's names for when they turn 18, then they can use the money for college or a downpayment on a house or whatever they want to.

The rest of the money is put on a card, and that card can be used to buy food, diapers, clothes, school supplies, etc. All money spent from the card must have a receipt as to where it went and must be sent to the child support office on a monthly basis to be put in a file where the non-custodial parent can have access to it if he so desires.

I can't think of a more fair, more useful use of the money. In this scenario, not only does the kid(s) see immediate benefits, but they also have future benefits, and the custodial parent gets a little break on their rent/utilities.
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 18
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Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/11/2009 8:45:52 PM

Chieftan - I hope you realize that you sound like a total control freak, right? You don't have a right to control the finances of your ex, even though you might want to.

If you say so, lol.

I could care less what she does with HER money. But I"m not talking about her money, I'm talking about the money that I am giving her that is supposed to go to the benefit of our children.

I don't much like the idea that my ex can take child support money and blow it at a bar if she wants to, but I know it happens. Let her use HER money for that. Not the mutual fund that is designed to be a support for our children.
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 20
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Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/11/2009 9:03:13 PM

see I can kind of see the whole money going towards rent or mortgage, utlities, groceries, clothes, etc. I wouldn't have an issue with that in the least. Unfortunately, givng my ex that modum of control would mean the discussions would then become that I bought the more expensive tomatoe sauce rather than the other cheaper generic one. Or that I bought our son sneakers too often or I bought the more expensive brand of diapers..

I'm not saying that the NCP should have a say in things like that.

My "plan" is pretty much set in place by the child support office.

A portion of the money goes to the rent, utilities, etc. <<--No say from either party on that one

A portion of the money goes to an account for the children to have future access to it <<---no say from either party on that one either

The rest of the money goes to a card, where the ONLY accountability is that the custodial parent spent the money on things that the children NEED (like clothes, food, diapers, etc.) or that benefit the children in some way (toys, dancing classes, etc.). <<--the custodial parent has FULL control over how to spend this money, but it's LIMITED to ONLY be used on things that she has to prove were spent on the child. So it doesn't matter if she bought the most expensive spaghetti sauce, because if she's making dinner, it's likely that the kids are eating it. It only matters that the money is being spent on things that the kids get some benefit out of, and not things like a trip to the bar for the custodial parent, drugs, or any of the other shit that the kids don't get any benefit from.

How anybody can argue with that, is beyond me, unless, of course, we've got custodial parents abusing the child support they receive. IF the custodial parents want money to spend on themselves, they should be seeking ALIMONY. PERIOD. No ifs, ands, or buts.
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 21
Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/27/2009 6:06:12 AM

Regardless, daddies...the law is fair. You pay a percentage of what you make.
And....most single parents are out there struggling. A place with 2-3 bedrooms for rent is prohibitively expensive. Then you add the utilities and the food. Then the extra-curricular activities...and on..and on...Who has time and the money to go out a blow it on nightclubs?
Just whiney fathers who want to treat child-support like welfare. Who feel they deserve to have a swinging lifetyle.
.Aren't your kids worth it?

I have no problems with the idea I should be working and supporting my children...which in fact I do.

I just have a problem with laws or rules where one is expected to work and work full time while the other party is able to sit back and not work and legally this is acceptable.

And as to extra-curricular activities....pray tell where is that suggested that it is essential that they are able to be involved. I know married couples who have children in sports who have had to explain to their children they could not continue because they could not afford what was required to be in the sports.

Your probably just pissed that you did not hit the bank accounts first....but is also a mute point as it is all accounted for under division of assets that is part of the legal process. And any functioning working adult who is finacially contributing will be able to survive until the dust settles.

Why should a parent who works and works hard to provide be forced to subsidize his/her lifestyle to support an ex partner who is unable or unwilling to work themselves or work in an occupation where they will earn decent income.

Whiney Dads who complain about cs..and whiney mothers who complain because of their inadequacies in providing for themselves and their children on the other side.
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 25
Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/27/2009 10:27:43 AM

My Ex has been on anti-anxiety meds, lithium, paxil, wellbutrin and through a slew of doctors. His mental state or diagnosis is not something I made up.
He did not pursue custody and never has.
This is not a man issue this is a bad Ex issue. You are the one being gender specific.
His degrees were obtained during the marriage and give him a far higher earning potential than mine do. We both paid his student loans. A Director of Engineering at a 200 man company does not make $10 an hour. All I ask is he pay the share the courts ordered. Moving assets into his Mother's name do not show signs of him being all that mentally ill. Just when it is convenient.

A employee who is on the medications that you suggest is also not going to acquire and or more importantly hold on to a job like a Director of Engineering.

If you are or have based your child support award based on this pie in the ski belief on what he should be earning then you are yourself creating an impossible target for him to achieve. So you are crying poor and crying what he could be earning...if he was healthy and fully functioning???which you have already clearly established he is not?

So how is it you appear to be suggesting that he is capable of doing and earning a level of income?
yet in the same the same Paragraph it seems you clearly establish that he is not mentally capable of holding down a job?

I mean...he is fully capable and fully functional..or he is challenged or restricted in his abilty to function and provide for both himself and his children? Based on what you have said i see he is not nor will he ever be able to provide for his children at a level you feel is appropriate based on his education. and to expect it or demand it ultimately will mean if he does something to himself down the road you are partially responsible and simply leaving it at the feet of the courts is chicken droppings.

My own view is my ex has issues and feels that as a woman she is above considerations in respect to finacially providing for the children. And at the same time there are issues that have caused her and her immediate family some tremendous problems.

So I do myself what is required.
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 28
Child support issue has gone through
Posted: 1/28/2009 6:32:22 PM
Byrdes of on kynde and color flok and flye allwayes together
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