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 AUTHOR
 Argentum Crinis Philogus
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 3
I Read His Postcard...Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I'm confused by your use of "fwb" Friends with benefits does not typically elude to an exclusive relationship or much of anything beyond a close friendship that happens to include sex on occasion.

If he is an "fwb" I'm not sure what the problem is since by definition, he's not prohibited from having other relationships.

This post has me scratching my head and saying wtf?

ACP
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 10
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I Read His Postcard...
Posted: 1/12/2009 7:42:22 PM
I am just curious why you were expecting a FWB to be monogamous in the first place? The whole concept of Friends With Benefits is that you have a friend that you see for sex but no real romantic relationship or commitment beyond that. If you were expecting more than it's not a FWB. Plus why would you go back and expect? You let him get a way w/ it once, why not again?

Also once you saw the postcard wasn't addressed to you, why did you continue to read it? Didn't you ever learn about respecting privacy?

I was even more surprised by the age in your profile. I had expected this to be from some one half your age. When do you plan to grow up?
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 12
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I Read His Postcard...
Posted: 1/12/2009 8:05:38 PM
I'm confused, how does a FWB cheat? Isn't the idea of a FWB that they are seeing other people or married to other people or just being a FWB when they don't have any other people to see? If it's exclusive, then it isn't a FWBs...is it?
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 14
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I Read His Postcard...
Posted: 1/12/2009 8:15:14 PM
UrsulaMajor.. finally, the voice of reason. Afterall, he didn't send HER the post card .. that was out of HIS control. I won't judge her on her choice of relationship as that's her choice and she doesn't seem to be concerned about it's dynamics.. only that they decided to change the dynamics and she over-reacted to something that was out of her b/f's control. If she read the post card.. so be it. But I don't agree with her burning it and trying to keep it from him.. AND then confronting him.. If you had of left it there op, he would have realized you'd seen it and you could of decided on the relationship on how he approach the post card TO YOU.

My understanding of FWB is: You are a friend who enjoys each other sexualy until you meet someone you'd like to persue a relationship with and until you have sex with the new girl/guy. Once sex is introduced with the new partner.. the friendship still remains but the benefits stop with your "FWB." So, in reality, you are exclusive until you're not... It must be disclosed that you are being intimate with someone else.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 19
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I Read His Postcard...
Posted: 1/12/2009 10:42:15 PM
Wait a minute--am I reading that right? You burnt the postcard? Maybe I don't know 'cause I'm just young, but do friends--with or without benefits--burn each other's mail?

This was a volatile relationship full of denial, jealousy, mistrust, and intrigue. With friends like these...

Kind of have to agree w/ you on this. What really shocked me is her profile puts her in her 40's.

And azelea7 it's not your age that has you confused, I think it's her behavior.
 blonde chickie
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 27
I Read His Postcard...
Posted: 1/13/2009 8:22:24 AM
I'm confused myself. FWB means no commitment OP. How does a FWB cheat ?
 Argentum Crinis Philogus
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 28
I Read His Postcard...
Posted: 1/13/2009 8:31:18 AM

irregardless of how she found out [sic]


Ugh! There is no such word. It is regardless.

Now that we've addressed the use of non-existent words, we can move on to eradicating the phrase, "raised my child" and "I was raised" to the correct phrase of "rearing my child" and "I was reared".

Remember, we raise chickens and we rear children.

Have a splendid day.

ACP
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 29
I Read His Postcard...
Posted: 1/13/2009 8:37:58 AM

well, of course, it wasn't to me.


1. I would wager money you didn't think the card was for you. You knew it was for him and read it anyway.


burnt the postcard.


2. You burned it. Isn't that against federal law? A person's mail is "sacred"; you were not justified in getting rid of it.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 31
I Read His Postcard...
Posted: 1/13/2009 8:57:22 AM

my fwb and i were spilt up


C'mon, folks! Read between the lines: HE thought it was a FWB situation, but while SHE might have agreed, she really thought it was deeper or intended to take it there.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 34
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I Read His Postcard...
Posted: 1/13/2009 9:15:27 AM

i know that i should and am moving on, no matter how much i thought i cared for this guy, but now he says he HATES me for reading his postcard. i am not a snoop, but in this case, wouldn't you have at least read the card?
In bold, therein lies the nature of your opening post.
You know.. everybody is more in an uproar that you burned his post card..(tampering of personal mail is actually a federal offence) some are incredulous that you READ it.. I suspect the ones that are tearing strip off you for reading it have read other peoples post cards before.. it may not be right, but when mail is wide open like that.. more often, then not.. people will read what's on it... particularily when it's from a place of interest.. or, a person of interest.,, Deny all you want ~ but it's human nature... even the mail carriers read them.

Now.. BURNING it was foolish and inproper IMO.. I think you realize that by now. You ask "Why would he have me pick up his mail when he is getting post cards from another woman?" Well, There could be a couple of reasons for that:
1. He does not have control over a bunny boiler who will not leave him alone and keeps sending him unwanted mail... or:
2. She knew you would be picking up his mail and sent it in order to cause the trouble she knew a card of that nature would. (evil, competitive woman)
3. He knew the mail was coming and he wanted you to find it so that rather than initiate a breakup with you when he got back..he figured the post card would take care of it for him.
I sincerely doubt that if he wanted to keep you and her, but keep her hiden .. then he would not be having you pick up his mail knowing she just might send another of her infamous cards.

As for the FWB.. Like I said before, the post WAS NOT about the dynamics of your relationship, nor do you ask for opinions on the dynamic. As such; I will not comment or judge you for what you've decided for yourself. It would however; be nice if you explained what YOUR definition of the term FWB is or at the very least what YOU thought it meant in order to satisfy the curiosity of so many posters.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 35
I Read His Postcard...
Posted: 1/13/2009 9:15:44 AM
I wrote:
C'mon, folks! Read between the lines: HE thought it was a FWB situation, but while SHE might have agreed, she really thought it was deeper or intended to take it there.


Navigator 6 responded
So, how is that fair to him? Just because OP was trying to use sex to trap a man, doesn't give her the right to read that man's mail, much less BURN it! Christ, she's 46 and still playing these immature games and acting like a jealous teenager.

un-freakin-believable


Um, hey, dude, before you go ballistic, you need to real ALL the posts, including the one where I said she was not only prevaricating, but broke the law by burning his mail. I haven't read one post that said she was justified for what she did.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 37
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I Read His Postcard...
Posted: 1/13/2009 10:03:40 AM
He is your FWB therefore you have no relationship with him, the meaning of FWB is you are always there for him to help out ,house sitting,taking care of his dog,picking up his mails,giving him sex when he needed it,and you are nothing of him but a FWB. My heart goes for you and I understand how you feel, but you put yourself in that position as a FWB.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 39
I Read His Postcard...
Posted: 1/13/2009 10:19:25 AM
Seems to me you're more the one with the problem. First you don't understand the term FWB like everyone else has pointed out. Second, the postcard somehow clearly stated that he told this person he wasn't interested. Thirdly, she sent it to him which is beyond his control. Fourthly, once you read mail that didn't belong to you, you burned it. Do you always go out of your way to cause problems where there aren't any? tsk tsk
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 40
I Read His Postcard...
Posted: 1/13/2009 10:47:59 AM

they cannot be prosecuted for "tampering".


Burning isn't tampering; it is destruction. There is a difference between reading something and burning it--there was no permission given for that, I am sure.


I learned a lonnnnnnnng time ago.. never to read between the lines.. but.. to read only what's there. Everything else is conjecture.. and just sounds as though someone is trying to justify someone elses pee-poor actions/judgement. We aren't in the OP's head (thankfully.)


While I agree with this, sometimes, knowing human nature (as I am sure you know) gives a deeper understanding to what people mean even when it differs from what they say. I think this is a case of that, especially when her actions belie what she claims.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 41
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I Read His Postcard...
Posted: 1/13/2009 11:04:11 AM

While I agree with this, sometimes, knowing human nature (as I am sure you know) gives a deeper understanding to what people mean even when it differs from what they say. I think this is a case of that, especially when her actions belie what she claims.
Without knowing what the terms of their FWB relationship was, then I tend to think that speculating on that portion of her post, is just that..speculation. For all we know, she feels he cheated simply because he didn't disclose another sexual liaison. There are several rules that can be instated in a FWB relationship.. (see Wikipedia for a lot of examples)

In the opening post.. she asks "in this instance "wouldn't you have read it anyway?"
Questioning the statement of FWB and Cheating, is a reasonable question.. but that still doesn't give reason to assume or judge her choices since she hasn't asked for advice on that.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 45
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I Read His Postcard...
Posted: 1/13/2009 1:31:19 PM

the Wikipedia? Where anybody can put anything they want as a definition/example? Does anybody really trust the Wikipedia to define anything? Bad point of reference if you ask me.
I think the letters speak for themselves. F.riends W.ith B.enefits. Not girfriend.. or no sex with others but you.. commitment type of rules. There are NO commitments.
You missed the point entirely !!! If two people enter into a relationship (no matter what kind of relationship) and they both decided on how that "relationship" was to be conducted and one of them breaches a stipulation that they both agreed to... then it could be considered "cheating" or "betraying" the other.. If, on the other hand, you go into it with no rules.. then no rules it shall be. A FWB can be set up anyway two people mutually agree to. Nes pa?

Wikipedia was suggested just to see how some of the ways that the "FWB relationship" could be set-up... The simple fact that it is run by “people” means that there are different opinions at to what a term can mean.. It’s simply NOT what YOU -redarcangle- deem it to be. One stipulation can be that once one has entered into another sexual relationship.. then sexual benefits stop with the FWB. !!! (Perhaps thats why Op said he cheated.. he simply kept her as well as another sexual partner) - Speculating to prove my point here.

That being said; It does’nt mean that you or I agree or disagree with the FWB concept, it just explains it in more detail is all.

N.B. No one has disputed that what she did with his mail was wrong and that it could possibly be an illegal offence. Which was the subject of the Opost (Why she even bothered to mention the FWB part is beyond me as her FWB status had absolutely nothing to do with why he ended the relationship)

Edited to address post below No one is screaming.. and I do believe your definition relates more to: FB /NSA .. (not FWB).
Peace! *agreeing to disagree*
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 50
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I Read His Postcard...
Posted: 1/13/2009 2:06:23 PM
They weren't a couple, how do you cheat on a FWBs?
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 55
I Read His Postcard...
Posted: 1/13/2009 2:49:37 PM

WE WOULD HAVE ALL READ IT.. STOP DENYING AND BE REAL.


Is it the issue that she read it--which many of us might do--or that she burned it?

If someone takes mail out of your box, it is ILLEGAL and they can be prosecuted for tampering with the US mail. Burning certainly falls within those limits.
 camper33
Joined: 3/3/2008
Msg: 64
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I Read His Postcard...
Posted: 1/13/2009 11:32:21 PM
Dear " verycuriouskitty " ,

How very sad .

This woman has SUCCEEDED at doing EXACTLY what she set out to do .

You were on track to getting back together , and she was GONE .

So she wrote to him , where SHE KNEW HE WASN'T GOING TO BE , and where she KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO BE .

She wrote " to him " on a POST CARD , knowing full well that you would read it , get mad , and leave .

She got you to show yourself as untrustworthy , a federal law breaker , and unable to control yourself .

The only thing she didn't get that she probably hoped for , is you didn't leave then and there, and let the poor dog die in slow agony of dehydration .

How sad , your FWB ( Friend With ( sexual ) Benefits ? ) and you loose .

This woman WINS .

( Even if he didn't go back to her , I am sure , in her little mind , she " got even " !

camper33 .
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 70
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I Read His Postcard...
Posted: 1/14/2009 10:33:30 AM
It is* not believable *that a woman would write a very private matters in a postcard, that every one can read including the postmaster's staffs.YOUR QOUTE--( by the way,she said in the card she couldn't stand the idea of having some other woman touching him and she was going to look for him on the beach...) People write all the time on postcards on their vacations ,but not private matters that need to put inside an envelope and address to the right person. He was in Baja Mexico and the letter was from California,there is something not right here ,* and she is going to look for him on the beach? That means he is in California. My conclusion on this is your FWB wants to break up your casual sex relation because it is leading in to seriousness on your part and he is not ready yet or he has some other reasons. He was the one who sent that stupid postcard to you LOL. I bet you are a good woman you deserve a better man than him.
 compleat_man
Joined: 10/3/2008
Msg: 71
I Read His Postcard...
Posted: 1/14/2009 10:38:56 AM

WE WOULD HAVE ALL READ IT.. STOP DENYING AND BE REAL.


see another forum thread :

http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts11603745.aspx

the consensus seems to be that people try hard to appear "perfect" in POF posts

are real people like that? in real life..doubtful..
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 72
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I Read His Postcard...
Posted: 1/14/2009 11:47:58 AM
I don't have time to read 4 pages of posts but like no one has heard of FWB where there are some ground rules...sheesh. You agree to the usual...sex, no commitment/emotions/relationship...but you establish rules to keep one another safe and out of trouble. Thus he "cheated" by breaking the rule. The rules usually are that:

- if you sleep with someone else you have to tell the person
- if you start a FWB relationship with someone else you have to disclose it
-each partner has the right to ask questions and you must be honest when answering(e.g. did you use a condom with that person?)
(somehow these give the participants the illusion they know what their current risk of getting STDs are and it also allows them to choose to walk away if the other participates in something that is too high risk for the other)
- if you start a real relationship with someone else the deal if off (no one wants to be the "other woman/man")

It works out well for those who like monogamy in general...only downside is if one lies or one develops feelings for the other. It sounds like both may have happened here.

As for the situation...I agree he was a moron to have you house sit knowing this woman was sending postcards. He should have just told you so it wouldn't surprise you. No big deal if she means nothing right...but then why was he keeping the other postcards??? If she didn't mean anything then why not get rid of them? Regardless, I probably would have read it too because most don't put private things on postcards so what would be the harm...I bet every postal worker that handled it read the darn thing. It just happened to mean something to you. He has a right to feel violated but come on, he recently lied to you about sleeping with someone else when he said he wouldn't/or would tell you (which can in fact harm, if not kill, you should it be done with the wrong person in the wrong way)...so he's no pillar of honesty. I will say you lost me when you burned it...no no...not a good choice. Never distroy the evidence...especially if it's a federal crime...it makes you look worse then him.
Leave it there on the top of the pile, picture side down, writing side face up so he sees it...and then see how he reacts. It will speak volumns about him.

Bottom line is this guy is a liar and can't be in a FWB situation where you have rules so either go back to being F's or walk away completely. Easier said then done I know...
 briargate
Joined: 8/18/2008
Msg: 76
I Read His Postcard...
Posted: 1/14/2009 12:39:25 PM
To the OP,

You say you had a FWB, but your actions say otherwise. Therefore, you in fact believed you had a Relationship, possibly Boyfriend. Under that line of reasoning, your jealous actions were justified, even the postcard burning. And so you came here looking for You Go Girl! support. But alas, you say you had a FWB, which undermines your approval seeking.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 79
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I Read His Postcard...
Posted: 1/14/2009 2:52:52 PM
^^ Navigator... From reading the forums, It has been pointed out in several posts in several different threads that FWB . FRIENDSwithbenefits are 'FRIENDS' first.. who happen to introduce sex into the relationship(sometimes years after the friendship was established).. both people do all the things that friends normally do together, they are free to date others, but once sex is introduced with a new person.. the sexual "benefits" stop with the FWB .. but the already established friendship still remains. (hopefully)

You're definition relates more to fvck buddies or a booty call where not much other than sex is the glue that binds... (no other activities that friends would normally do together.)

In FWB.. honesty and safety are honoured... if one breaches one of the established ground rules.. then it would or could be considered a betrayal to the other.


There ARE people in the world who respect other people's privacy and yes, as "public" as a post card is, unless it's addressed to me, it's still none of my damn business.
well, that's very honourable of you, is the truth and in theory, the correct thing. however; there are more out there that believe that a readable postcard is just a slight step up from the newest Pizza Hut Flyer.. ask your postman about them .. he may confess??

 compleat_man
Joined: 10/3/2008
Msg: 81
I Read His Postcard...
Posted: 1/14/2009 3:22:18 PM
^^

many men cannot help but get emotionally attached to some degree, as well..
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