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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > how do you bring up the subject?      Home login  
Joined: 7/7/2008
Msg: 9
how do you bring up the subject?Page 1 of 1    
Sorry, but as usual, lol, I'm seeing this question in an entirely different way. The first question that comes to my mind is, how far over 45 years old are you?
With a lot of us who may not be "over the hill", but who have no trouble seeing the horizon beyond it, gulp, as we get older and older, the kids are raised & gone, raising a family is no longer a priority, and marraige really isn't the "do all to end all" it was when we were 18.
I guess that what I'm saying is that as we age, and become more interested in a life partner to grow old with instead of having babies and raising a family, then there really isn't any pressing need to get remarried at all, but just find that "special partner", and enjoy the company. The difference between "really good friend", and "Intimate partner", gets pretty blurry. The kissing and other asundy intimate things you liked before, are still very very nice, even if one or two parts of the dance step get skipped now because of your new limp.
Sooner or later, all of us are going to have parts that give out, and even become beyond the reach of viagra, or even industrial powered diesel implants that dim every light in the neighborhood every time they kick on, lol.
Heck, my father is 85, and has had so many parts removed he shouldn't have to pay full price for new clothes.
But if we've chosen our partners well, they'll realize that their parts "ain't what they used to be either", and just be thankful that they didn't give out first, and that they still have their "best buddy" around to still be their trusted companion and partner.
Sex is not a trivial issue by any stretch, and if all the parts are working, then by all means treat sex like a roller coaster, and flip that switch to "on", and take the ride every chance you can before it is broken or simply worn out. But once it wears out, the chairs are still fun to sit in, and the memories will be precious.
But if you're getting really shakey on your feet, you get to where you didn't really need "another wild ride" anyway, and sitting in the seat and remembering is just fine too.
 Molly Maude
Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 12
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how do you bring up the subject?
Posted: 1/23/2009 1:04:24 PM
we ALL have SOMETHING ... some little "secret" thing ... while some "handicaps" are immediately obvious ... some are not so much ... but they're there!

one of my sons has been a quadraplegic since he was eight ... he was married for many years and, when his wife left him, he assumed it was because he was "crippled" ... not true, by the way ...

my "handicaps" are probably more hidden than obvious ... but, eventually I gotta share 'em with anyone I would like to spend time with ... sometimes they'll bolt, sometimes they won't ... but I've gotta figure, maybe (like my son), it didn't work out with us for some other reason altogether! when to tell ... ya gotta go with the flow ... when a similar topic comes up ... for example ... I probably tell too soon! it's a juggling act!

Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 13
how do you bring up the subject?
Posted: 1/24/2009 8:23:10 PM
I REALLY would not wait until the deed needs to be done. This is one of those things that needs to be discussed fairly early on.
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 14
how do you bring up the subject?
Posted: 1/25/2009 11:26:43 AM
Siry ~~ it's doable. I've known several peeps whose relationships did not make it through the "transition" (well to challenged); but for those who know upfront and stick with you, it's likely they'll hang around long term. My own issue, which isn't yours, has actually been improving, but anyone potentially long term would certainly need to know. I have found it's both easiest and most effective to put it on the table as early as possible after determining that my interest is very serious. I haven't yet had anyone run. But not EVERY potential relationship works out -- at least I know that *wasn't* the problem, lol! I have also discovered that being the first to disclose allows the other to share theirs more easily.

Get it settled early, and then go and have a good life!!

(And no, the lights don't necessarily have to be dim or off.)

Joined: 10/13/2008
Msg: 15
how do you bring up the subject?
Posted: 1/25/2009 2:15:00 PM
I can't help but agree with "ismene". None of us can predict our future. Not even tomorrow! None of us will get out of this life alive and whay you have no control over is not a deterant on what you should expect out of life. With that saud there are people who may not be able to deal with it but there are are also people that would. That;as thier choise. I am a firm believer that love conqueres all. My wfe had breast cancer at 34 and we did not get divorced due to that. ahe is now 58 and a surivor but the reason we went our separate ways had nothing to do with that or cheating. We stll have the highest regard for each other due to that. We just grew apart after 34 years. Sometimes I wish this never happened but I now realize it was the best for both of us. Maybe it sould have happened long ago but we tried to make things as good as possible . No matter what I did I could never make her feel like a woman again. Then the over drinking started. My fault, but the marriage was gone. I still never cheated on her and always hoped we could get it back but to no avail. I have no need to drink now but I really miss what could have been.
Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 16
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how do you bring up the subject?
Posted: 1/25/2009 9:35:53 PM
I think that it'd be premature to move to physical intimacy until after such things had time to come naturally into the conversation.

Possible scenarios:

Talking about travel. "I have to plan carefully so that I can so X to take care of my Y."

What are you doing Thursday night? "Well, the first Thursday of the month is the Chron's Disease support group."

Let whether or not the Spare Parts have been broached be part of the equation of when it's time to move things a bit closer physically.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > how do you bring up the subject?