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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Does wanting a relationship make you needy?      Home login  
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 2
Does wanting a relationship make you needy?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
It's one thing to say it would be nice. It's quite another to pursue, make a mission out of it, start ignoring other things in your life to aquire it.

I do believe people should be whole BEFORE entering into a relationship because it's just healthier not to expect a potential SO to create peace of mind, happiness, or make you a whole person. Interdependence should be the ideal, offering help to each other, but being able to stand alone as well.

Personally I don't find a person who wants anything to be needy - it's the word need itself that makes it that way. Wanting someone is ok (tho it's better to have already met that someone you want to validate the want in the first place, wanting "someone" who's not there yet is a bit different), but needing someone you haven't really spent a lot of time with, or needing "someone" in your life is more of a red flag.

I am not your average person; I'd rather be single forever than date anyone I don't click with or have any common ground with. If I don't ever meet (I don't say find because that indicates looking, which I don't really do) someone who either blends with my life or improves it, then I was meant to be single, and will gladly stay that way. I don't think not being involved is either a punishment or death sentence.

On the contrary to your question tho, OP I think more people are out there expecting to find the SO they deserve or are entitled to or think will make them whole than not. So someone who says they have room for someone else and want to share a life with someone else should fit right in with the masses.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 3
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Does wanting a relationship make you needy?
Posted: 1/18/2009 10:55:58 AM
There is a difference between wanting a relationship and wanting one so badly you will intentionally get into one that you know is going to be damaging, etc. The former is a normal desire to share one's time with someone we love, the latter is needy.

I sometimes wonder if my stating in my profile that I have room in my life for someone special is actually hurting my chances of finding someone.

I think you can make yourself totally paranoid trying to second guess everyone that reads your profile. Quite frankly if that scared someone away on a dating site they would be retarded and you well rid of them.
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 10
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Does wanting a relationship make you needy?
Posted: 1/18/2009 11:30:14 AM
You know, I just don't know any more.

On here (online) I find one second guessing way too much.

I know I want a relationship. The problem seems to be you are either looked at as needy, or desperate. Neither of which I consider myself to be.

The problem with that is a lot of women have been used, so they tend to be very cautious. Often wondering if there is an alterior motive behind someone showing interest. So by wanting a relationship to develop, you are looked at as a player by women who have had this occur.

I don't know. It all just sucks actually.

(I know... 'Mr. positive' today ! LOL)
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 11
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Does wanting a relationship make you needy?
Posted: 1/18/2009 11:39:02 AM
This is very similar to the ever present debate about being "alone" versus being "lonely"..........

Many of us are alone but far from lonely, and I believe that many of us want a real relationship, but do not really need one.......<img src= border=0>

I am the total of my experiences which makes up who I am, and I do not need someone else to "complete" me, but I certainly enjoy having an "equal" walk by my side creating the "sum" of our parts, that surpasses more than the total of each of us individually.......

"Desires" will always be a part of our inner selves, and are very understandable, but when those desires become "necessities", then we have a totally different world to comprehend..........

Just my opinion.......
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 15
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Does wanting a relationship make you needy?
Posted: 1/18/2009 12:20:53 PM
I think when you just settle into a relationship with anyone because you cant stand to be alone that makes you desperate and needy.....but when you want to be in a relationship for love and companionship thats just human nature....if writing that you have room in your life for someone special hurts your chances....then obviously the wrong men are reading it.....good luck!!!!
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 17
Does wanting a relationship make you needy?
Posted: 1/18/2009 12:48:14 PM
No ......... it is needy when almost ANY relationship would do.

I would like to have a REAL girlfriend but ...... I don't and it don't bother me all that much.

I would never - NEVER EVER - string some gal along - just so I would be in a relationship.

But ..... what about "lack-O-nookie" - you ask.

I've had so damn much nookie in my life - I can do without it just peachy.

BUT .......... look out next REAL girlfriend ...... just because I can do without "it" - don't mean I don't want in YOUR pants and ... often.
Joined: 8/27/2008
Msg: 19
Does wanting a relationship make you needy?
Posted: 1/18/2009 1:53:56 PM
OP, I would only consider it a problem if you feel that your quest for a relationship is to accessorize a trendy, hip or otherwise busy life. Like that irritating group of women on "Sex and the City." If you rub all of them together you might get the spark of a soul. Otherwise, individually, they are cruel images of modern [men and] women. Soulless zombies, moving from one zombie to another, in search of the perfect zombie who will drag them out of their zombie stupor. Ain't gonna happen.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 21
Does wanting a relationship make you needy?
Posted: 1/18/2009 3:10:41 PM
by the same token, if you are perfectly okay alone, what is the point of being in a relationship?

I get what you're saying - the point is that you might meet someone in your "ok being alone" travels that might interest you in being not alone. So wanting to change your status with no prospects at all makes less sense, but being around someone that makes you want to be in a relationship WITH THEM particularly is more of a natural and understandable progression.

I am perfectly ok being alone, so to an extent there is no point in being anything but single which is why I am single. It's the connection I might experience with someone that changes my mind at some point, that's all.

The ok to be alone thing just means you aren't losing sleep over being single to the point where it clouds your judgement with men who aren't really right for you.
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 23
Does wanting a relationship make you needy?
Posted: 1/18/2009 4:26:21 PM
I am definitely "wanty", but not "needy".

I would love to have a nice, strong relationship with a nice, strong man. I have found recently, though, that if I say that to a man I'm dating, he automatically goes into flight mode. It's just that I'd rather not invest a lot of time with a man who is dead-against a deep relationship (in theory). So, I think I may be pushing things and scaring men away. I'm waiting for a man who isn't afraid of me.
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 29
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Does wanting a relationship make you needy?
Posted: 1/18/2009 7:48:06 PM
All people need relationships and really, no one is truly independent. To be loved and interact with another is a basic, hard-wired need and denying its' existence just seems silly and contrived to me. This need can be fulfilled through family and friends... still, I believe the best fulfillment of this human need is within the intimate relationship between two who love each other.

I need my sweetie and am not less for recognizing it and acknowledging it. How silly it would seem to go through a similar contortion over avoiding recognizing how very much I love this man. Because the word is need it does conjure up some baggage.

If our relationship should end tomorrow, we would both survive.... we did very well on our own before we met, and would do well on our own again should we part. But oh my, being one half of this loving partnership beats the hell out of being alone in this journey of life.

And yeah, he has filled the nooks and crannies of my life in ways I didn't really recognize were 'missing' until he'd filled them. I am a whole person and half of this relationship - and we complete each other in ways that have made our lives expand beyond what they were before we knew the other existed on this planet.

The relationship doesn't matter so much, it is not 'sharing my life' that is the focus... it is sharing my life with THIS man. I knew I both needed and wanted this before I met him and until I met him I could not envision what it would look like.
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 32
Does wanting a relationship make you needy?
Posted: 1/18/2009 8:12:52 PM
I agree with Carolann. I do not see myself as needy. I've been divorced for 13 yrs and quit dating about 5 yrs ago(my son went on illinoispolice,org and found out he was a pedophile--now I know where to look)

People are pack oriented kind of the same way canines are. I noticed when I sit here by myself for a weekend, I am too chatty at work. I am happy to see familiar people and my co-workers feel like family.
Joined: 4/22/2007
Msg: 33
Does wanting a relationship make you needy?
Posted: 1/18/2009 8:15:11 PM
From my experience!

I have noticed...... the best relationship is living apart. Makes you want the your partner more. Makes you become more romantic and passionate for your partner. What I have also notice in couples which live together, the romance dies out after a while for some reason. The spark is no longer the same like the first year of their relationship..... So I do find being needy, is a good thing for a long term wanting relationship.

Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 34
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Does wanting a relationship make you needy?
Posted: 1/18/2009 9:25:17 PM
I've never heard that before, why would wanting a relationship (as most people do) make one needy? How you behave would show if you were needy or not, but just the fact of wanting a relationship wouldn't.

Being independent would require a different type of relationship dynamic than someone who is looking to be dependent, but lots of things make up the type of needs one has to make a good relationship. Being co-dependant is a whole different issue, it's not a healthy state of mine and undermines a persons esteem and moves them to act in ways that are unstable...that's not the same thing as wanting to be in a relationship. It's apples & oranges.

You aren't one half of a whole, not if you are mentally healthy anyway, you are a whole person looking for another whole person with which you would like to share your life. If you feel you have issues in this area, maybe you should try some therapy or self-help books.
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 37
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Does wanting a relationship make you needy?
Posted: 1/18/2009 11:59:18 PM
I think for most people, whether they want to admit it or not, relationships are like food. And we all agree that food is needed. However, the problems occur when you consume the wrong types of food. Too many chili cheese dogs, like bad relationships, are bad for the heart. Neither of them are healthy.

Just like we have to make healthy choices in food, we should also make healthy relationship choices. To sum it up, make sure the type of relationship you "need" is a healthy one.

So, the answer is no. Wanting or needing, or wishing, etc... for a healthy relationship does not mean there is something wrong with you. However, it does make you human. And, last time I checked, there was nothing "needy" about that.

I'm off to get me a chili cheese dog.

Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 39
Does wanting a relationship make you needy?
Posted: 1/19/2009 6:46:38 AM
Bob, you may feel you need - heck, you may actually need, but don't project or convince others they are all in the same boat as you. Live and let live here. Some don't need relationships, but enjoy them. Some can't be alone, some can. For those who can't - don't assume everyone else is the same (I feel that people who can't be alone are highly offended by people who can, because they think it's an affront to them personally. It isn't). Just find someone with your mindset and be happy.

The reason you have never heard that before is that you have never looked at the process. How do you want something? It is usually because there is something that you "need" and this helps to create the "want". Why would you want something if you had no needs involved?

Because you like it. We don't need ice cream, but many of us want it. We don't need vacations, but many of us want them. We don't need new clothes many times, but we'll go buy them because we want them. Need = survival, and what we want most times, we don't need to survive. If we do, well then we need them. Two different things.

A good example is that everyone needs love in their lives. So a want for love is created in them if they don't have enough love in their lives. Of course this is taken as a given so people don't look at the process and think of themselves as wanting someone to love and be loved by, instead of the truth of the matter that you "need" love like everyone else.

Generally all humans need socialization and love in their lives. Sorry, but an SO is not the only source of that. Many would like to believe it is, and that's a mindset. There are a bunch of ways we enjoy company. An SO/spouse is just one of them. In summary, an SO does not define "love".

Behind every want there are needs of some sort working to be satisfied. Why is it so hard to admit that you need something? The word has taken on a bad rap because people have confused it with feelings of anxiety and inadaquacy which also come after the need is established and don't have to be there.

I don't find it hard to admit I need things I ACTUALLY need, like food, water, air, shelter, a job to pay bills, etc. I don't need "someone" in my life - BUT if I meet someone, and end up with them over time, I might GROW to need that one person. That's not something discussable while I am still single tho, it's an aftereffect of a long term relationship.

If you recognize a need in yourself the need itself isn't the bad guy rather it is how you decide to let that need out into the world that can create problems. You shouldn't beat yourself up for having needs it is a human condition not in your control. I will say again, it is not the "Need" that is the culprit it is how you deal with the need that can cause you problems.

When it comes to all that is luxury, including romantic relationships - there is no need (for me there's not much of a want, either). However one can certainly say that it'd be nice, or that they'd like it without it being needy (in the sense that they are incomplete without it, which, again is a state of mind, not an actuality).

Again, for those who are needy or feel needy and want that to be ok (and it would have to be if that's how you are, hmm?) that's great - for you. It's not universal. Many people don't approach it as you do.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 40
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Does wanting a relationship make you needy?
Posted: 1/19/2009 7:27:23 AM
I dont think wanting a close long term relationship = to co dependency , personally i am looking for a long term, one that meens the world to me, passion, love ,lust, companionship, and all the things that goes with that, there is nothing wrong with needing the person your in love with, and showing it,that my opinion
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 41
Does wanting a relationship make you needy?
Posted: 1/19/2009 7:56:08 AM

n response to BigDaddy

It is your type of response and the attitude that you display that led to this question in the first place. Wanting to be one half of a whole couple does not mean that I am not a whole person. People seem to assume that wanting a relationship means that you are willing to have one with anyone just to be in one.

In defense of what BidDaddy said, Femme, you have to realize that perception is reality. If you keep talking about what it is to be that half of a person, and how you may be then complete, that is the perception people are going to have of you. Even when you feel, that you are a whole person. If you think that you have to keep explaining yourself, it means that what you are saying needs to change, not them. They don't have to do anything but click you off and move on with their own lives, even when based on the wrong perception. So modify your message to clarify.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 42
Does wanting a relationship make you needy?
Posted: 1/19/2009 8:19:57 AM
If you feel you need someone to make you "whole" - yes it is "needy", but wanting a relationship? Ummm, Why are we all here?
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 43
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Does wanting a relationship make you needy?
Posted: 1/19/2009 9:05:16 AM
"Needy" is perhaps the wrong way to put it, as in Needing Someone.
Surely there is the need to want to give your time, affection, love, to someone? I think we all deep down want to 'share'...maybe not everything in life but at least a half-way house.
So in my case..YES I am needy, needy to want to give myself to another and all that applies. Sadly where is she ha! ha!
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 44
Does wanting a relationship make you needy?
Posted: 1/19/2009 9:29:17 AM

Somehow you and others seem to feel like I am attacking you. That was not my intention. I was trying to point out that the word needs or needy has been seriously confused with problem emotions like anxiety, inadaquacies and other feelings that create problems.

I am a literal person. If I thought you were attacking me, I would have said so. I just see this projection a lot from people. "Everyone hates to be alone", or "everyone wants someone to love" - those are statements of projection that, ironically match the wants of the person declaring them. I was just making it clear that what you want or need is YOUR thing, and doesn't necessarily agree with what others want or need.

I never said anything about the need for survival even though many of our basic needs come from this. I am talking about the more difficult to identify needs that we all have.

To me, a need is something I will die without. Period. You didn't have to make that connection. It's a given to me. Neither ice cream, vacations or new clothes is a need, period. We may justify it as one, but it ain't. It's a mindset, that's all.

Last but not least I would like to say that you bring up good points and I enjoy talking with you. I think that you somehow ( you are not alone, many on this thread are doing this) are seeing being needy or having needs versus wants as a weakness and should not be looked at realistically least you might lose some of your protective defenses against pain and heartache. I don't think that you will lose anything. Just be less confused by terminology.

Not a defense at all. Need=survive, want=luxury to me. That's all. I may want a man but I don't need one - you may want a woman, but you don't need one. If you haven't died without one so far, then that's my point.
Joined: 5/18/2005
Msg: 47
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Does wanting a relationship make you needy?
Posted: 1/19/2009 10:30:29 AM
Yes, I think wanting to be in a relationship makes you needy, by definition. I think a better question is weather it is wrong to be needy? No, I think it can be healthy to want to be in a quality relationship. I also think the desire to want to be in any relationship is unhealthy. If you feel justified in your actions, feelings no person should be able to make you feel otherwise. Good luck....
Joined: 10/20/2005
Msg: 48
Does wanting a relationship make you needy?
Posted: 1/19/2009 10:47:46 AM
I don't think wanting to be in a relationship is being needy if it is for the right reasons. I do fine on my own and have for quite some time now, but it would be nice to share my life with someone special. I am in no rush...I will take the time to get to know someone and determine if he is righ for me. I am, however, looking for a man who is looking for a long term relationship with one woman, not casual dating with multiple women at the same time or who would hang out on dating sites contacting other women while seeing me. I won't settle for less just to have someone in my life. That, in my opinion, would be considered being needy. If you try to change yourself to get approval from another person or fit in, then that is also what I would call needy. That does not include trying to improve yourself in a positive way when you see improvement is needed. It does mean trying to change yourself to fit in with what the other person wants you to be instead of being yourself. If the right person does not come along, then I will continue as I have been. If the right person comes along, then that will be great. I won't "settle" for just anyone. I think it is better to be alone than with the wrong person.
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 50
Does wanting a relationship make you needy?
Posted: 1/19/2009 11:32:43 AM

if you are perfectly okay alone, what is the point of being in a relationship

the point would be;

good relationship is GREATER than the sum of it's parts & therefore can contain two whole people who are both enriched by the union & are better for it.

Key phrase there is "good relationship". Knowing that you have been, and could be again, perfectly OK alone, will help you make good relationship choices,and also give you the strength to get out of one should it happen to go bad. There are few things sadder, to my mind, than a person staying in a relationship that has clearly turned sour, because they'd rather be miserable than alone. Some of the loneliest people I've ever known were those who stayed in a relationship where the love was gone,because of some kind of pride, social worries, or financial fear( OR A COMBINATION OF ALL 3)
Cindy O
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 52
Does wanting a relationship make you needy?
Posted: 1/19/2009 12:03:32 PM

they won't make enough effort to get into a relationship

Getting into A relationship doesn't require much effort at all. If I just wanted to be with somebody to "prove" to the rest of the world that I have a partner so I'm socially "OK", accomplishing that would be dirt easy. Let's see, should it be any one of several underemployed borderline alkies? The elderly men looking for a nurse or a purse? Or the guys that I just felt NO connection with, but he's breakin' his ass trying to get with me? If I'm gonna have sex with a guy on a regular basis, we are going to truly love one another. It will not be about solving some practical or financial problem( for either one of us) or to seem more "OK" because I've got a man walking beside me.
Look I know there are tons of women, and men, who can force themselves to be with someone based on that person being attracted to him or her, or base their decision of financial needs, practical matter, or a need to be socially "correct" by being in a relationship or marriage.
I don't happen to be one of them.
For me, it's all about a meeting of minds, souls and hearts. If refusing to accept less than that makes me "too picky", or "unrealistic", picky and unrealistic will be what I am.
Cindy O
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 54
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Does wanting a relationship make you needy?
Posted: 1/19/2009 12:44:29 PM
Mostly,or so it seems to me, it falls on a continuum. People who are overly independent have a NEED to maintain their autonomy, people who are overly dependent have a NEED to collapse themselves into another person. And the healthy state of independenceis an expression of a healthy NEED to be loved and to love.
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