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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?      Home login  
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 DharmaF
Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 4
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why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?Page 1 of 19    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19)
I cannot speak for everyone but I 'stay' on here simply because I have made a lot of friends. Mostly female. Yeah, we could chat over the phone, in person or via regular email but chatting here is like became our regular hangout.

Also, I quite enjoy the forums here.

I do know that if I found THE right guy & we talked about it & I found out that he had a problem with me being on here still & we were heading somewhere awesome together, I'd leave here in a heartbeat.

I'm not sure it has anything to do about 'trust'. I surely don't believe in the 'what else is out there' theory either. I've never been one of those kind of people nor have I ever been a rebound person. I'm loyal to a fault. When I love a man, no other man exists.

Sigh.

Good subject though. I bet there are a lot of different reasons that none of us even thought of yet. I hope more people respond.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 6
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why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 4:22:56 PM
I've made friends from all over the world, plus I love the forums.
 Alabamamam
Joined: 4/8/2008
Msg: 7
why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 4:28:14 PM
Unless you are exlusive it is o.k to fish around. Very small percentage is here for forums but it is a possibility.
 jasmina
Joined: 10/20/2005
Msg: 8
why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 4:40:08 PM
Good question. If I met someone, and we decided we wanted to be together and develop a deeper relationship, I would not have any desire or reason to stay on dating sites and would expect the same of the person I was dating. No forum could keep me on a dating site...I would rather spend it with someone special in person. If he still wanted to stay on dating sites, then it would be obvious to me that he didn't feel the same about me that I felt about him.

As far as posters talking about being exclusive or not, I assume that he is only seeing me as I am only seeing him unless I am told otherwise. I never assume someone is dating others, and if I find out he is, I end it.

In the beginning, both would probably still be on the site just because it was a habit and neither would know if things would work out. I used to get off dating sites when I met someone, but had to rejoin when things did not work out. I do think it is a matter of trust. If I was dating someone, I would not be looking for anyone else whether I got on a dating site or not. I know how I am, but I have had experiences in the past where the guy was hanging out on dating sites and contacting other women at the same time he was seeing me. It makes you questions whether you can really trust someone or not. I think that will take getting to know someone well enough to be able to trust them. Trust is earned.
 Meowza
Joined: 1/2/2009
Msg: 11
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why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 4:55:04 PM
I'm just looking for friends, so I enjoy chatting with people. I also love the forums. That's one of the neatest things about POF. The forums are great!
 SandraB56
Joined: 10/16/2008
Msg: 16
why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 6:13:55 PM
I have just re-met up with a sweetheart of a guy and the day after we first met back in July 2008 he took his profile off POF and has not put it back on. We broke up a month later and only just got back in touch with each other at Xmas time. We have since talked and met up again and are now dating each other exclusively. He ticks all my boxes and I , his . Thank Goodness. I too had met people before and deleted my account only to be back on here 6 months later. This one is a real keeper and I can't believe we got back together again. It was all my fault and I fully admit I was a bit of a princess but in the end I found my Prince Charming.
I like to read the Forums and get advice too.
Wish everybody else on here good luck and happiness too. Sally.
 Ideoform
Joined: 9/23/2007
Msg: 21
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why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 6:57:02 PM
Its the Forums for me.

I know most people on PoF don't read the Forums, but it is still one of the largest, most active Forums and its a lot of fun to read.

I put a lot of time into my profile on and off, (I change it a lot, too) so sometimes I feel like its just like having a F a c e b o o k account. Why delete it if you can just change your status to "not single not looking?" And really, anyone can delete and re-sign up any time they want to unless they are being banned by the moderators. I could change my profile every hour...depending on who I think is reading it, couldn't I?

I have dated a lot in the year and a half since I've been on here, one person for 9 months, another for 3 months and a few in-between. But mainly I like meeting people from all over the world for casual conversation. Its VERY cold here (was as low as -14 last week) and who wants to go out to a smoky bar or some other public place and try to start a casual conversation just to socialize?

When I meet someone from outside of PoF, I give them my screen name on here just so they can to get to know me better, if they want to, by reading my postings or reading my profile. If I am dating someone exclusively, I hide the profile from searches, and put on it that I am seeing someone. If this isn't enough for the guy I would delete it altogether, but so far they haven't seen that as necessary. I try to choose people that aren't fanatically jealous, anyway (but a little jealous is actually a good sign, I think.)

You can't stop someone from ever meeting people, in real life or on the internet. You can't be there 24/7 to monitor them, and if you had to, then what kind of trust do you have going for you? I think it is only fair, though, to show that you are not actively looking by saying so on your profile if you are dating someone exclusively. Its also not fair to the still-looking single people to be on here representing yourself as a single person if you are really dating someone exclusively.

You have to have that talk though. Each person needs to say what their comfort level is about this, and the other needs to respect that or discuss any differences openly or you are going to have some confusion.

If I were to get engaged or to re-marry, then I would really make sure that we have this conversation and make it clear what we each expected of the other.

If you are trying to check up on each other by using PoF to do this, then that is kind of counter-productive, don't you think? When by just signing in, you are going where there are many single people. You can't delete your account to get the other person to delete theirs. It doesn't work that way. If they delete theirs because you ask them to, then its only fair of you to delete yours for the same reason.

So then, would it be like, you'd each have to go; "One, two, three---DELETE!"?
 Ideoform
Joined: 9/23/2007
Msg: 22
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why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 7:11:00 PM
Edit: ^^^^ what BigDaddy said!


"by the way - we are not still dating. kind of ruined it for me to know that he was still on POF. Reason I was still on was basically to see if he was. really stupid i know and very self-defeating."


By the way, being overly-concerned about what he is doing when you are apart, is going to make you look insecure.

There might be other reasons you don't feel confident in the relationship, and so you are using this as an example of what is making you feel that he is not that into you.

If this was the only reason you two aren't still dating, I would think again about it. He might still be a good person to get to know better. But if this is part of a pattern of behavior he has that shows a lack of respect or a lack of interest, then certainly, its time to move on.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 23
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why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 7:25:39 PM
I'm an observer of people and relationships - and I have both male and female friends here. That's why I hang around... even though I am in a relationship (with the coolest fellow I met right here in river city). He doesn't mind one little bit It IS all about trust; if you have it, it is fine.

Anyone who reads my profile can see there is no point in contacting me unless you want to talk about a forum topic.
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 24
why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 7:49:19 PM
I think they stay on for forums. It's nice to share experiences and advice about relatonships.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 30
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why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 9:54:24 PM
I couldn't tell you why others are here but I'm not looking for a date really, and I rarely check out profiles other than wondering about someone who posted to a forum, I mostly am here for the forums. If I was addicted I'd seek therapy, mostly I'm curious and nosy and I like message board forums. I date once in a while when I find someone interesting but I don't come to this site looking for a date, so I can't imagine why I should leave it if I don't want to just because I start dating someone. I'm perfectly capable of controlling myself on a dating site LOL I'm not going to be seeking an affair just because I hang out for the forums.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 36
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why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/19/2009 11:28:33 PM
i was only briefly on pof as a "single", when i met my last significant other. i never dated anyone else while i was with him, even during a six month hiatus in our relationship when we were "just friends". he also wasn't dating and he always knew about pof. it just didn't interest him and he knew i wasn't a screw around.

during that period and through to now (alas, no longer together), i made forum friends from all over the world--all ages, both sexes. i speak to many on the phone more regularly than i do with my old nyc friends from before i moved here.

part of the reason is that i no longer work outside the home. i get a message on pof, it downloads to my outlook, i hear a bell ring and it's almost like answering the phone. if i was working my 80 hour week or in a relationship as i was until recently, i'd probably be on less, because i would be out more. however, there are a few people on pof, who i could call in the middle of the night, if so inclined (and vice versa). haven't had that sort of an emergency yet, but it's comforting to know that when in transition, some people out there really care. it's especially comforting when my neighbors are travelling or my kids are busy.

when i am in relationship again, i would simply click on not single/not looking. i do realize that there is a transition period to register that status. but, i am a one man woman and if/when i find him, he will know about pof and understand that despite it's virtuality, it is one of my "communities". i am very grateful to those who have found partners and who do remain on the forums. it gives me hope, it makes me happy and i feel that their involvement is not out of just their neediness, but out of their humanity and with respect and love for those of us who have cheered them on!

if you or a mate, are not forum participants and just browsing around, well then that is another story! occasionally i hear from people who read the forums, but still are not participating, except via private email. i would hope that they would eventually let their voices be heard, instead of the passive lurking about! many of them do have something to say, but for whatever reason, seem unable to become public. i guess, introverted, shy or just not used to this virtual world. never though i would be either and here i am! i will say however, that i miss the political, current events and spirituality forums. however, they are now safe elsewhere in cyberspace and probably just used up too much of the single site ram. if i had come on afterwards, i am not sure if i would have met as many quality people. but somehow they still manage to be heard. and of course, there are the times, we just need to "connect".

ps i do agree with above that there is a lot of negativity here as well. some are in great pain and i make exception for them. however, if you know how to speed read, even if it's one out of a hundred, there are some really amazing people here.
 Ideoform
Joined: 9/23/2007
Msg: 43
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why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/20/2009 7:30:58 AM

"...i miss the political, current events and spirituality forums. however, they are now safe elsewhere in cyberspace ..."


They are still here, they just don't show up on the main Forums page anymore. The reason is that people were getting too crazy on them and there wasn't enough moderator time to deal with all of the infractions. If you go to these threads you can still post, but be good.

Politics:
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingForum98.aspx
Current Events:
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingForum7.aspx
Religion:
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingForum12.aspx

Discussion of why the change:
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/10900313datingPostpage5.aspx
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts10924161.aspx

If you do a search on the word Religion, you can find some good threads in here on the Science/Philosophy Forum, Off Topic, and some others. Same with the word "Politics."

There is another site that a lot of the posters went to, and if you post on the old Forum topics perhaps they will contact you.
 Mesnafugal
Joined: 7/12/2005
Msg: 45
why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/20/2009 10:14:01 AM
I'm absolutely here because of the wonderful friends I've met and the new ones I hear from off and on. I have not been on the forums in awhile but I used to really enjoy them too. Even though POF is supposed to be a singles site I think alot of us have found like minded friendships on here. This is just a great site to interact with other people from all over. It doesnt' have to be to "hook up"... I wouldn't ever get off here I don't think unless the BIG FISH made me.
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 48
why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/20/2009 4:29:56 PM
Maybe they like reading the forums or hearing the opinions of adults.
 cantik_indo
Joined: 1/19/2009
Msg: 53
why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/23/2009 12:13:41 AM
take the reason if someone said he or she is still on POF because of the forums, but if he or she is there because of trying to fish someone else to replace you then it is a matter. If he/she is here just because of forums, he/she could hide the profile then just get involved in forums only. If the reason for adding more friends (dating) , then what are you for? You can recognize the reason for him/her staying here by checking whether he/she added more pictures. For me, this means he/she wants to attract other with his/her pics.
 forum_froggie
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 55
why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/23/2009 6:14:44 AM
I met my guy on here six months ago and yup, I'm still here. But take a look at my profile and you'll see why.

I enjoy the forums and the possibility of meeting new friends. However the few people who have shown interest in me (via emails) have obviously not read my profile. I set them straight and send them on their way, wishing them luck, if they're not in to finding new friends.

As for trust? We have that. In spades.

He's a fish that won't be thrown back
 drummer_guy_01
Joined: 6/12/2008
Msg: 56
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why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/23/2009 8:59:42 AM
Interesting thread here (and my first post)

I met a woman back in August on another site (a eff eff), things got serious in short order and we agreed to hide our profiles out of mutual respect, and we did.

Then around Halloween I went on the site to check an email from the administrator and noticed she re-activated her profile, not only that but there was a new guy added to her network, then two more guys a week or so later...I'm like WTF?

The seeds of doubt had been planted, I had serious trust issues anyways from a previous relationship with a pathological liar, and was just beginning to overcome that
when this happened.

I knew deep down the relationship was doomed and by the beginning of December it was over. :(
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 57
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why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/23/2009 9:23:20 AM

by the way - we are not still dating. kind of ruined it for me to know that he was still on POF. Reason I was still on was basically to see if he was. really stupid i know and very self-defeating.

For all you know, he was doing the same thing. If this is a problem for you, I would try a different venue for finding men although people don't have to be online to cheat. You either trust someone or you don't. They will either look for greener grass or they won't. Only way to avoid risk is to become a hermit.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 61
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why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/26/2009 8:34:17 PM
I feel like I still have some relationship wisdom to bestow, hahaha. And I enjoy the "relationships" section of the forums more now that I'm in one. When I was looking, I enjoyed the dating sections, and the broken hearts ones. If my guy asked me to delete my profile, I would in a flash though. We just trust each other, and he is not the insecure type. I have my insecure moments in general, but with the right guy, I am fine. I tend to trust my intuition though. If a guy I was dating was still on here, and we had a discussion about it, and he refused to delete or hide the profile, I would find that odd. I would not, however, just jump to any conclusions because a guy was still checking on here, because both of you could just be on checking to see what the other is doing, and ruining for the both of you. That would be tragic.
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 67
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why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/27/2009 9:30:01 AM
submissanj...you sound EXTREMELY possessive (and obsessive) LOL...

I dunno why people keep their posts up...maybe "just in case"...to keep our options open...? Personally, I think one woman is just as good as another at this point, no woman is better or worse, just different...the old adage "the grass is greener", it may not be greener, just DIFFERENT...
 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 68
why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 1/27/2009 10:37:13 AM
For those who say they are here for friends. What ever happened having friends in real life??!!

I have a lot of real life friends (many from childhood), but have found that the internet creates opportunity to meet people who you would never ordinarily cross paths with. I also have been posting on a cooking site for several years and there is a group of us from all around the US and a couple of Canadians who meet once a year in a different city. If it weren't for the site where we can express our passion for cooking, we would have never met.

To answer the OP's question, I've made a lot of friends of both genders on this site and enjoy the forums...if I meet someone, great, if not, I do not feel any deprivation. If I should ever meet someone, I would be "not single/not looking" and would hope that he would be secure with himself and understand that I have fun on here. As for this site, I find some of the non-single posters to be quite wise and make valuable contributions to the forums.
 jm0405
Joined: 7/7/2008
Msg: 78
why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 2/4/2009 2:17:12 PM
If I were with someone, I would probably leave my profile up but change the status and the words to taken - not dating - not available - but stay on to read the soap opera on the forums.

Would it destroy a relationship for me? I don't think so because anybody that knows me knows I give 100% to my significant other, no games, no lies, no deception and Hades would freeze over before he read about himself in a negative light on these threads/forums.

It's not that people are looking for something better. You simply cannot be with a person 24 hours a day so why not catch up and read the forums/threads. No harm in that. Harm only comes if you keep looking for a "back-up plan" in case the current one isn't working out for you. If you keep it open, honest and communicate your intentions with your partner, I don't see a problem with staying on a site.
 jm0405
Joined: 7/7/2008
Msg: 79
why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 2/4/2009 2:18:15 PM
Also, you don't have to be on a site with the idea that you want to date someone....nothing wrong with chatting on the forums. To do so, you have to have a profile. So you need to change it to reflect your intentions.
 sweet_n_heart
Joined: 1/31/2007
Msg: 81
why do people stay on POF after meeting someone?
Posted: 2/4/2009 2:24:48 PM
If you truely trust each other, then there's nothing wrong with making friends on here, i mean doesn't have to go beyond the computer screen and nothing wrong also to go on the forums.
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