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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > She went into Menopause and never returned..is it too late?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 ~rain~
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 5
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She went into Menopause and never returned..is it too late?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
wow! I have never heard of this ever! My mom was just more of a bi tch then she usually was and I really dont know of too many other women who have went through menopause. I hope it will be awhile for me yet!
I certainly didnt think it would change someones sexual orientation!

If you are still in love with her perhaps suggesting counsilling?
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 12
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She went into Menopause and never returned..is it too late?
Posted: 1/28/2009 1:05:22 PM
While I know it's easier on your ego to blame it all on menopause..
In essence you can blame it on her fluctuating hormones which led her to be unable to put up with sh*t that she may have been putting up with prior to the hot flashes.

I'd think If two people are really happy in thier union prior to menopause, then they will weather the "tropical storms" until calmer winds prevail.. Only you know her mindset and whether she'll come back or not.. but, I don't think MENoPAUSE really means that you pause on men for awhile and turn to women...

Apparently, she took the phrase "change of life" literally! ..
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 13
She went into Menopause and never returned..is it too late?
Posted: 1/28/2009 1:08:24 PM
Are you and my ex husband twins separated at birth? I didn't "go" lesbian, but the circumstances of the demise of your marriage and my marriage are very similar.


she's has always been ****y..but That never bothered me and I take it with a grain of salt.


So, you never stopped to consider WHY she was a ****; you just figured that was her natural self and it never bothered you. Perhaps she was ****y because she was unhappy; perhaps below the surface, way down deep inside, she knew all along that she was gay, but she was afraid to admit it. When a woman or a man suppresses emotions and feelings, it makes them ****y.


Then came the biggy, "I NEED SOME SPACE "and again I began to wonder..Hmmm space, what could she mean by that?


It meant that she was coming to terms with herself and issues were coming to the forefront that she didn't know how to deal with. It meant she was having inner turmoil that was beginning to manifest itself on the outside. It meant she was faced with huge decisions in her life, and it meant she needed to think them out and decide which path to [quotetake.


I want to lose some weight and I in turn said Hey, I think you look great but if that is what you want, how can I help you. she lost 25-30lbs. Then she said, I want to dye my hair so I wont have grey in it and again I remember saying, you look beautiful, but if that is what you want, go for it.


The changes on the outside reflected the changes taking place on the inside.


and having a man worship you for more than thirty years


She is a woman, not a goddess; she didn't someone to worship her, but someone who could understand her and talk to her.


and cause a perfect marriage that had no arguements and no sexual problems to to sprial out of control.


Ah, but it was NOT a perfect marriage. In your mind, maybe it was, but in hers, it obviously wasn't. After I left, my son related a phone conversation he overheard between his father and grandmother; my ex said he didn't understand because he thought he had done "everything right." Was he deaf for 25 years? Did he not remember the many times I tried talking with him about problems? Did he not hear me when for two years I told him I was going to leave someday?

I have heard both men and women give the same sob story that you are presenting: the perfect marriage that somehow ended, and the blame is always on the person who ended it. They are all delusional.

My ex blamed menopause, and menopause did have something to do with me leaving: I woke up one morning and took stock of my life and realized I COULD continue for another 25 years in a stagnant, emotionally void marriage, but that I didn't want to. I had zero tolerance for BS and for circumstances that I had tolerated but not enjoyed. Menopause made me realize my mortality, and life became too short to spend in a marriage that just didn't make me happy.

A friend of mine says that we only make big changes when the prospect of things staying the same are more frightening than the possibility of changing and failing. He is right.

Don't waste your time waiting for her to come back--she has "condemned" you to nothing. She left, deal with it; you can't change her mind, but you can change how you react to the situation.

Take charge of yourself and move forward.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 14
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She went into Menopause and never returned..is it too late?
Posted: 1/28/2009 1:18:51 PM
It's really sad but it happens more often than you might think. She may or may not have always had an attraction to other women and she may or may not have acted on them before now. Maybe she was happily married and then she wasn't happy about it anymore or maybe she did what was societys idea of the the right thing and married a man, had children and tried to make it all work, but when her responsibilities to all this faded, she wanted out and wanted to be herself, finally. Or maybe she never thought of this at all until she fell in love with her lesbian boss. Nobody knows the answers but her and she's made her choice. Hormones can really mess you up, but I don't know if they can change your sexual orientation, could be a factor, but I've never heard of it.

She's gone, as much as it hurts and messes up what you've worked for all your life, she's made her choice. At some point, unless you wallow in it and feed it, you will get past this and find someone else. You can't change her, but you don't have to hate her either and you don't have to let it poison the rest of your life.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 17
She went into Menopause and never returned..is it too late?
Posted: 1/28/2009 1:55:50 PM
fishing4u266 wrote:
You have no idea if any of this crap you just spewed forth is true!


Let's see, you have a marriage of 30 years that SUDDENLY goes belly up. Not only that, it was a PERFECT marriage. The fact that he says it was perfect shows how little he knew what was going on. Marriages are not perfect because a couple never fights; perfect marriages are where the husband and wife understand each other and can discuss things openly. In fact, what the hell is a perfect marriage?

The marriage didn't end suddenly, and his wife didn't suddenly realize that she was gay. It was a long time in coming and it was a painful, hard realization for her. I don't have to know her to know that.

Of course the circumstances of my marriage are different from his, but there are some common elements. Whenever I hear someone say that a longterm marriage ends and he/she never saw it coming, I can't buy into it. When two people live together for decades, if one can't sense something is amiss, then that person is in denial or the other partner is a very good actor.

And if a person is that good at acting, he/she is good enough to suppress and not show unhappiness and dissatisfaction.

By the way, I did the same thing she did--lost weight, etc. I was subconsciously and then consciously preparing myself for a new life. It took me two years to get the courage to put the new life into action, but the desire had been there for a long, long time.
 haywiresue
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 20
She went into Menopause and never returned..is it too late?
Posted: 1/28/2009 2:25:45 PM
OP I dont think its menopause, I think she wanted out of the marriage. Anyone can call it menopause or something else, but many times when a person makes drastic changes in their life or image, its because there is something else going on.

I know from personal experience and 2 train wrecks called marriages, that just before I had enough, I went through personal change and that was the fork in the road that determined the marriage was doomed.

OP not to be critical but 2 people can be in a marriage and both be having different experiences, expecations and amounts of pain/pleasure in it. It sounds to me like she might of had problems in the relationship and either tried to talk about them or decided not to talk about them, till it became too much for her to endure, thus ending the marriage.

Personally, I dont think she will "snap out of it", as she has snapped and the marriage is broken. You might suggest councilling, but it could be too late in her mind. Sorry to hear of your position, and I hope you all get to a happy place and the effects of your break up does not harm either of your relationships with your kids.
 readyornot57
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 21
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She went into Menopause and never returned..is it too late?
Posted: 1/28/2009 3:54:35 PM
Don't focus on the lesbian part.....truth is that emotionally she was going to search for someone else. Menopause could be behind that. It turned out to be a woman, but she was looking elsewhere, wanting to feel younger, wanting to look younger.
OP, you don't have to be alone. But you need time to accept what has happened.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 28
She went into Menopause and never returned..is it too late?
Posted: 1/28/2009 7:40:58 PM

and for the record...I ended the marriage...not because of her going through menopause....Because of her new lover....I didnt like the mullet


I have to agree with wild heart on this one--what is your issue?

In your original post, you made it sound as if she had left you because she had found a lesbian lover.

Now I doubt everything you say. If you weren't honest in how you presented the story at first, what else weren't you honest about?

And if YOU ended it, then what's this about waiting 30 years to see if she will come back.

I don't get it.
 sydneyleigh
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 32
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She went into Menopause and never returned..is it too late?
Posted: 1/30/2009 1:06:40 PM

However, I do believe that if she is in an open relationship with another woman at this stage of her life and after having kids, it is very selfish on her part.


I don't know how you made the leap from lesbian to "open relationship" - but ok... and I suppose it would be much better for her mental health to continue to live in the closet for the sake of the egos of her children and spouse, than to finally take control of her own life and live the way she wants to live (ie. with a woman)

I'm thinking that your viewpoint is exactly how this woman ended up in a 30 year marriage and raising 3 children when all along she was a lesbian (or possibly bi, but it seems that never came up in the marriage, so I'm suspecting that it isn't the case)

And to the OP - you just have to accept it for what it is, and remember that there will be someone out there to share your life with... but getting yourself together first is the most important step you could take

And for what its worth... it wasn't menopause, mental illness or anything else that made her decide she'd prefer to have a woman for a partner... its the fact that she finds women sexually appealing. It wasn't a change, she's just finally getting around to admitting it.
She might "bat for both teams" - but I wouldn't stake my future on that.

sydney
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 33
She went into Menopause and never returned..is it too late?
Posted: 1/30/2009 2:47:44 PM

or maybe she did what was societys idea of the the right thing and married a man, had children and tried to make it all work, but when her responsibilities to all this faded, she wanted out and wanted to be herself, finally.

I think this happens WAY more than men want to realize...women who are now entering the menopause became adults at a time when the social pressure for a woman was to get married and have a family. I suspect that many women were responding to that social pressure, their friends were all getting married, probably more than we'll ever know basically married in order to get out from under parental rule.
And they stick it out until the kids are grown and gone, until they've established some sort of financial stability in their own right, and then they are done pretending to be happily married. Of course menopause issues might factor in, but all too often I think that the woman is just done with trying to stay married to a man she just doesn't feel much of anything for anymore.
I am not saying that the husbands are at fault in any way, if you want to blame anything, blame the social pressure on women to marry,that existed back in the late sixties and the seventies.
OP, did your wife actually claim menopausal issues as the reason for her behavior, or is this something YOU'VE dreamed up as a defense because someone or something must be BLAMED for the collapse of your marriage?
Cindy O
 sydneyleigh
Joined: 3/21/2008
Msg: 35
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She went into Menopause and never returned..is it too late?
Posted: 2/2/2009 1:01:38 PM

As their are only, I believe, two states that recognize gay marriages, what do you call them?


um... its a relationship. The concept of "open relationship" usually applies to a non-monogamous marriage or committed relationship.


And, yes, I'm thinking at this point in her life, she was in a 30 year marriage, and has raised 3 children, that if she wants to have a relationship with a woman, then yes, she should "stay in the closet" with it.


Her children are adults. They will, in fact, adjust.
Marriages end for all sorts of reasons. The crux of it is that no reason is better than any other, but when one wants out, the marriage needs to end.

Maybe the OP should look at it from the perspective of "thanks! i don't want to be with someone who very obviously doesn't want to be with me".
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