Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Toilet seats and toothpaste      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 1
Toilet seats and toothpastePage 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Being the matriach I find that family members not only seek my support, but they seek my advice as well....that holds true at the workplace as well where I find myself in the position of being *the old wise one* ...must come with the territory, being *the boss* and all.....I know, I know....with age comes glory haha...

My little 8 x 10 cubicle I call an office has seen them come and go like a revolving door......"So, what should I do?"...has to be the most used phrase since "austa la vista baby"....and believe me, more than not...it's relationship related. HELLO......has anyone noticed I am single and have been for a very long time...I am the last person anyone should be seeking advice from. But does that stop them? NO...so just this past Monday, I sat through yet another tearful confession of good times gone bad.

Being in a jovial mood Tuesay morning...I relayed to my friend and co-worker how my life has taken on a rather *Godfather* aspect...especially with regards to solving people's relationship woes...He, btw has enjoyed a very successful and long term relationship with his wife. With that in mind, I asked him..."So tell me, how do you do it... I mean, keep the relationship so harmonious between you and you're wife after nearly 25 years?"

According to him he has adopted an idea he read from a magazine many years ago... stop fighting over the small stuff and saved the really bigs fights for things like money and kids.....

Then I thought about it....and I tried to recall what were some of the things I fought about with my significant other...toothpaste caps, toilet seat, empty milk cartons left in the fridge and oh yeah, sure to spur on a good argument... who wasthe last one to walk the dog.....

Maybe my tolerance levels have changed over the years or maybe I have become more proficient at dealing with conflict resolution, but whatever it is, it makes perfect sense to me, and I know I have read that somewhere as well...pick you're battles. I know I practise that method with my children...and it works, saves so much grief.

With that being said...what have you learned from past relationships....what will you take or not take into the next relationship......for me, I know having a cat will save a lot future arguments.

...maeflowers

 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 2
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 1/28/2009 7:54:26 PM
And I don't blame you abby...honesty in a relationship is a must...on a lighter note, a friend of mine said she with her next relationship she would not tolerate someone who was into golf....her ex was obssessed with the game I guess....lots of ill feelings over the game.


...maeflowers
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 3
view profile
History
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 1/28/2009 7:59:05 PM
An injury whether started from a grenade, or a splinter, can have the same effect. It's usually only a difference in timing as to how long it takes the infection to set in.






~ds~
 professora
Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 4
view profile
History
what will you take or not take into the next...
Posted: 1/28/2009 8:32:33 PM
what i have learned is:

what ever occurs in the first 6 months of a relationship, pretty much defines what the relationship will be like for the next many years....or however long the relationship endures.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 5
view profile
History
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 1/28/2009 8:46:43 PM
I and my late husband didn't find it necessary to be bothered about toilet seats, tooth paste or anything like that. I didn't clean up after him, and he didn't clean up after me. We cleaned up our own mess and all was good. It didn't both us in the least what the other did.

I wouldn't want to be around people who get upset over little things like that.
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 6
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 1/28/2009 9:07:33 PM
Now as time went on, SOME things got added to the list but he made a point of keeping the lists short and it worked! We both could be ourselves and be accepted and it was easy to respect the things we couldn't compromise.



...I think that's great that you and Wayne were able to do that...to establish *ground rules* right off the bat seems like an easy solution to the small stuff people tend to bicker about. I'll have to keep that "list" in mind and maybe have them plastized and posted on the fridge as a friendly reminder...

...maeflowers
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 7
view profile
History
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 1/29/2009 1:52:54 AM
I guess me lesson is: Stop yourself if you encounter an annoying habit and find yourself thinking "Oh, maybe that will change after we're married." It won't. If anything, it will annoy you even more. So decide right now: Can you live with that?

I also vow to walk slower into the next relationship. I've too often leapt from a date to a deep relationship w/no time or space inbetween, and I just don't want to do that again. What's the rush? Let's walk a little slower next time.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 8
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 1/29/2009 6:10:06 AM
My ex and I didn't really fight about those little things. He did have a couple of habits that bugged me (we all have annoying habits). I remember getting annoyed after the hundredth-or-so time I cleaned up his beard trimmings in the sink, and then thinking ... one of these days he's probably not going to be around to leave this mess -- this is evidence of him, here, now.

Those small things always represent something larger --- it's not the toothpaste cap, it's that you've asked him repeatedly and he doesn't respect you enough to honor a simple request ... it's not the clothes on the floor, it's that she cares more about order than she does about me. The toothpaste cap is just a symptom.

My ex is no longer leaving beard trimmings in my sink, but for different reasons than I thought at the time. I don't think either one of us would look back on our arguments and say they were about petty things. But to someone who feels like they're not being heard or respected by their partner, nothing is petty, is it?

As for the OP's question about what I've learned and what I'll take or not take into the next relationship, I don't know yet. Right now my life has music, laughter, roadtrips, occasional houseguests, and a measure of goofiness. Any future relationship that detracts from that will be short ... the man who adds to that is a keeper.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 9
view profile
History
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 1/29/2009 7:26:57 AM
"It's how I gauge if I'm in love."

Yes, I think if we choose a mate for the right reasons we don't even see anything that requires compromise.

I found that the more we loved, the more loving we became and nothing else mattered.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 10
view profile
History
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 1/29/2009 10:08:51 AM
And here I am, allergic to cats........

I once read an article, or some book that stated, "the best way to save a marriage, or relationship, was to have either two sinks and toilets, or separate bathrooms"......

I relate the small things this way........If you have a severe back injury, you deal with it, and fix it the best way possible immediately. If you have a small pain in your back, you let it go, and it gradually builds up to something that becomes a major pain in the back, or ass, which should have been dealt with long long ago.

People say, "don't sweat the small stuff", but in reality, the small stuff will be their pain in the back that will, over time, become major, if not dealt with. When catastrophe's happen, most will deal with it because they have no choice, but with small things, people will have the tendency to let it go, and it builds up sooner or later to a catastrophe.

I say deal with all of what bothers you from large to small, and communicate what your problems are, in order to deal with them. The large ones get handled immediately, and the smaller ones put on the list of "to do", and not just forgotten.

I like the idea of setting a specific time either once a week, or once a month even, to open a bottle of wine, sit down together, and talk about it all........large and small, and see where each of you stand with your "to do" list, while you save your relationship.

By the way Mae.........I always use toothpaste on my toilet seats in order to force the issue of raising them........

Just my opinion.......
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 11
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 1/29/2009 10:38:51 AM
The guy's advice is good, in theory, and it works for him, but it doesn't work for everyone.

I, too, was married for 25 years in what seemed (to everyone but me) a great marriage. I tried not sweating the small stuff, but much of the small stuff was symbolic of big stuff.

For example, my ex had a horrific problem with his feet sweating. When he pulled off his socks each night, he threw them on the floor in wads that were very not only foul smelling, but soon coalesced into stinky, stiff balls of fabric. For literally years, I asked him to at least not wad them up and to place them in a hamper. He didn't.

I took his refusal to do so as a basic disregard for my wishes--but my wishes weren't out of line. On washday, after unwadding seven pairs of socks, my hands smelled like feet for hours; I couldn't even wash the odor off. What would have been a simple task for him became a symbol of his not caring about my wants or needs.

Multiply this by other little things, and over 25 years, it adds up. After 23 years, I stopped washing his whites for him. Problem solved for me, but he resented it.

And when people asked him how we had managed to stay married for all those years, he always answered, "I do what she tells me to do."

No, he didn't.

I once saw a TV show dealing with "little" issues such as the socks; the man often sees it as a small inconsequential thing, but the woman often sees it as I did--he just flatass didn't care. The small issue is often representative of big issues that are wrong in the marriage.

And yes, the stinky sock could easily be worn on the other foot and women can do the same type of thing to men.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 12
view profile
History
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 1/29/2009 10:58:42 AM
The problem was not the socks alone, but that you somehow had defined roles, and you wanted to change the rules.

Would it not have been better to take turns doing the wash, and then maybe he could have seen what his sweat was doing firsthand? If this had been discussed and worked on right from the start, somehow I think it would not have evolved into what is ended up being.

My "ex" wanted to share some household chores, which was only fair, since we both worked, and thus, we should both take on other duties as well. One of the chores was cleaning one of the bathrooms, while she had the chore of cleaning the other one. All seems fair, right? Wrong!!!

The chore was mine to do, but, it had to be done her way, on her time, and to her satisfaction........ So, if she wanted it done on a Saturday, then that was what had to be done, and if I chose to wait until Sunday, it bothered her, and that meant she was not happy, thus I would be denied attention because she was not in the mood, since I did not do as she wanted and needed.

This was just a small symptom of what was happening in our marriage, and after long and hard thinking, I sought a solution. Instead of fighting and being on her schedule, I hired a person to clean the entire house while we were both at work. Sounds good, does it not?

Wrong again, we ended up having a major fight, and total distance from each other and our relationship, because she took it that I hired someone because she was not doing a good enough job, instead of thanking me for trying to solve a problem.

As I think back to all of this, there is no wonder why she is an "ex", and I wonder how I stayed as long as I did.......

So Gwen, somehow I think the roles were set in your marriage, and he thought he was doing nothing wrong, and never sat down to find solutions with you, and eventually you changed the rules, and he could not understand your feelings, and adjust accordingly.

Takes two to make a marriage, and it takes two to break one.....

Just my opinion.......
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 13
view profile
History
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 1/29/2009 11:06:21 AM
When I go away, and come back, my housesitters/best friends have done many things differently and to different standards. Over the ten years they have been looking after my home a couple or more times a year no once have they or myself complainted about anything. We have been long term close friends for decades and never once had a disagreement. They let me be me, and I let them be them.

If people are fighting over unimportant things, it would seem to me that the root of the problems have to do with the relationship themselves and not the unimportant things.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 14
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 1/29/2009 11:50:35 AM

Would it not have been better to take turns doing the wash, and then maybe he could have seen what his sweat was doing firsthand?


Take turns doing the wash? LOL!!! For years, I didn't work, and EVERYTHING in the house was my responsibility; I changed doorknobs, mowed the lawn, etc., in addition to the housework. I learned early on that if I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done.

Likewise, for years he said when I went to work, he would assume half of the responsibilities. When I did go to work part-time, he assumed none.

When I finally said, "I won't do your laundry anymore" and he had no clothes to wear, he took on that task--resentfully, but he did it.


So Gwen, somehow I think the roles were set in your marriage, and he thought he was doing nothing wrong, and never sat down to find solutions with you, and eventually you changed the rules, and he could not understand your feelings, and adjust accordingly.


The roles were set in my marriage, but if he didn't know that he was doing nothing wrong, he didn't LISTEN to me. If someone says to you, "Please don't do this or please do that" and the behavior continues, it shows a lack of concern. If the requests were outlandish, I could understand no action being taken, but to ignore a simple request to not wad your socks up is that type of unconcern for the other person's feelings, wants, or needs.

It takes two to talk; I tried on numerous occasions to explain how I felt, but it never "took."

Perversely enough, during the last two years of my 25 year marriage, I gave up. At first, when I stopped asking him to do things (and not just chores, but to go on walks, etc.), he was relieved--the pressure was off. Then, it began to bother him. When he finally wanted to take an active part in my life, it was too late.


Takes two to make a marriage, and it takes two to break one.....


You are absolutely right, but I do wonder though, how many marriages break up because the wife says, "I can't take this anymore"? My marriage would have continued to this day had I not been the one to leave; he was perfectly satisfied with the way our lives went for 25 years; he told me so when I was walking out the door.

Was I the perfect wife? By no means, but for 25 years, I was perfect enough.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 15
view profile
History
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 1/29/2009 12:41:27 PM
"I could just leave it "....................I have found that that is the most time effective way to change a behaviour.

I got tired off all the towel not drying because they were in a wet lump on the bathroom floor. I bought the ugliest standing clothes drier I could find. It took up most of the floor space in the bathroom. I hung all the soggy towels on it. A few hours later I heard my late husband go into the bathroom. I overheard "What the...............Oh I get it...............that it the ugliest..............ha ha ha". From that day on the towels went back on the bathroom towel racks to dry.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 16
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 1/29/2009 1:12:03 PM
First ten years of my second marriage I didn't do too much wrong. That changed after his mother came to live with us: she'd tell him what I was doing wrong, and he'd tell me. The krezzy thing was that at first I really tried to comply. At some point the requirements were too much and I just couldn't. At which point he started the affair that ended the marriage, and during which the requirements were upped, exponentially, pretty much ending with the fight where I was told that if I loved him, I would read his mind. At that point, I quit, and started looking for an apartment. He told me about the affair about two weeks later. . . . Some you're just gonna lose through no fault of your own, lol!

Funny thing though: he misses me. I don't miss him.


 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 17
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 1/29/2009 5:22:57 PM

...Wow... lots of *dialogue*.... sorry I haven't been around but it's been one of those days when all hell breaks loose...anyhow, thanks to everyone who took the time to voice their views and opinions....some very interesting and thought provoking responses.





As for the OP's question about what I've learned and what I'll take or not take into the next relationship, I don't know yet. Right now my life has music, laughter, roadtrips, occasional houseguests, and a measure of goofiness. Any future relationship that detracts from that will be short ... the man who adds to that is a keeper


Hey, I like that...In all honesty I can't really complain about my *singleness*..... for the most part I've got things pretty good. But that doesn't mean I don't miss having a significant other, I do.. and I miss the intimacy that comes with being part of a couple....I want that again....but I also want to be better prepared in my next relationship...if there is one.

...maeflowers
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 18
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 1/29/2009 5:55:51 PM

But, you need to take all of these things and think about them on a daily basis, for twenty years. To me it denotes a lack of consideration on one spouse's part.
When they are being done all the time, and the other spouse is left to feel like a mere maid in their own home, well then it adds to the disgruntlement.

I equate these 'little" infractions with a complete disregard for another's feelings.
It wears away at the fabric of your marriage, and no amount of conversation is going to head off the eventual outcome when one partner has a sense of entitlement


...I agree, it's not about the toothpaste cap or cupboard doors or not taking the garbage out...these are symptoms of the underlying issue...disregard for another's feelings.

When a person feels affection or love for another, regardless of the relationship...it is about feelings.... And actions speak louder than words. I was trying to explain this to my teenage daughter the importance of doing something for another human being without it being about reward or obligation. To do something simply because you know it will make that person happy. That's the foundation I think, for a solid relationship. Honesty and respect.

...maeflowers
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 19
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 1/29/2009 9:48:00 PM
And here I am, allergic to cats


What about a nice cheery canary ?


I like the idea of setting a specific time either once a week, or once a month even, to open a bottle of wine, sit down together, and talk about it all........large and small, and see where each of you stand with your "to do" list, while you save your relationship.



Anyhow, I know setting aside some time to sit and discuss the *little annoyances* with my ex would never have worked. Soon as I would mention wanting to talk his eyes would glaze over, probably thinking...."Oh no, she wants to talk about *feelings* again."

By the way guys....nothing is quite as shocking as sitting you`re bare bum on cold porcelain in the middle of the night...and no, we don`t always turn the light on.

...maeflowers
 Gaddflye
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 20
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 1/30/2009 6:36:39 AM
One thing is certain, I have learned what will not work for me. Dating, short term and some long term relationships and so forth comprise a process of 'elimination' whether the toilet seat is down or up. Ready...flush.

Another thing I have discovered is good oral hygiene is essential to maintaining a relationship; now where did I leave the toothpaste?
 jm0405
Joined: 7/7/2008
Msg: 21
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 2/3/2009 11:40:29 AM
My advice...don't fight over small stuff. My ex-husband was so funky about his toothpaste, he put a sardine can opener on the end of it. Make sure you squeeze down to the last drop! Me? I bought the pump to avoid his deal. Nothing wrong with his and hers toothpaste. Toilet seat? Get a 2-bedroom apartment - his/her bathroom apt if need be. Any small problem can be solved if they choose too. It's easier to knock down the small issues as you go along so they don't compound and multiply into big issues.

One of the best tools in a relationship is maintaining a sense of humor! You have to be able to laugh at each other and with each other as well.
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 22
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 2/4/2009 11:05:46 PM

And to answer your last question directly, Ms. Maeflowers, I’ve learned from my past relationships that if I have to spend my time arguing over silly little insignificances involving opinion and personality differences, that the relationship will not be lasting very long.


...I quite agree don.... I'm well into my 50's now...it's too damn bad it took me so long to "get smart"...the next guy will reap the rewards haha

...maeflowers
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 23
view profile
History
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 2/4/2009 11:29:11 PM
I hear that there is a show with that title, or is that a movie???? Either way, after the fact only counts in evaluation.......

OT......No matter what age you are well into, being smart is just a case of knowing what you should have known all along.......and that is much more a function of life experiences, and much less that of age itself......

Just my opinion......
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 24
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 2/5/2009 7:40:33 AM
I hear that there is a show with that title, or is that a movie???? Either way, after the fact only counts in evaluation.......


There is? I looked it up on the net, didn't see anything.


OT......No matter what age you are well into, being smart is just a case of knowing what you should have known all along.......and that is much more a function of life experiences, and much less that of age itself


Absolutely...as I stated earlier, I have learned...especially with kids, to pick my battles.


Toilet seats and toothpaste..........I guess we all need something to whine about.... msg 55



This is an opinion, and valid in itself, ma'am. But I think, as has been shown in this thread, there are other ways to deal with these problems other than whining or arguing about them – which is, if I am not mistaken, Ms. Maeflowers’ point to starting the thread.

Exactly my point Don..and that is why I chose not to comment to msg 55...I choose my battles, some things are best left ignored.

...maeflowers
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 25
Toilet seats and toothpaste
Posted: 2/5/2009 4:56:19 PM
Of course there is a lot of confusion over the toilet seat, Its correct position is up i think because a lot of people dont understand that is where the arguments come from


...Well thank heaven you cleared that up for me... hopefully I will remember to put it back up as soon as I'm done when I have male company.
Now ...how to avoid any future arguments about whether or not the roll should be placed under or over...(even though I like it under)

...maeflowers
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Toilet seats and toothpaste