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 sanddallor
Joined: 8/30/2008
Msg: 11
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Sensitive issuesPage 1 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
You didn't allude to why you don't think it would be good for the two of you to continue seeing each other. Sex doesn't necessarily obligate you to this woman, but you should have a pretty compelling reason for breaking it off and be ready to make some sacrifice if you don't. Time spent with her now can make you a better man later and help her to find a better sense of normacy and worth.
 suzieinwv
Joined: 3/26/2008
Msg: 28
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Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 3:54:18 PM

I met a girl last night and ended up having sex with her and she revealed to me some past issues regarding molestation. I am very aware of that type of situation and was very understanding, but I don't think that I should see her anymore because it would not be healthy for her or I, but I don't want to hurt her. I have never been that guy that doesn't return calls or just stops talking to a girl but I don't want to represent something that isn't going to happen. I just want to be as gentle as possible with her because I know how much courage and vulnerability it takes to tell someone that, and even though I don't know her that well I don't want to be insensitive. I don't know how do I break this off without being an ***hole?


Now hang on just a dang minute, people. OP is not the only one who has done something wrong here. He just met this girl last night and had sex with her? Regardless of molestation issues, this girl should not have been having sex the first night she met him in the first place. And OP should not have allowed the sex to happen. The chances of the two of them having anything meaningful was pretty much ruined by not taking some time to get to know one another. Also, there is such a thing as revealing too much info on the first date. Revealing sensitive issues such as the trauma of molestation should be reserved for someone that you have really gotten to know and have gotten close to. So yes, OP, you were in the wrong. But then again, so was she.
 suzieinwv
Joined: 3/26/2008
Msg: 29
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Posted: 2/1/2009 4:02:02 PM

viking, i think the best way to handle it is to be very loving and spend time with her as a friend. when we allow an intimate encounter to become a one night stand it does something negative to our soul. go out for a drink or dinner and just hang out a few times this week.

tell her you usually don't have sex like that without getting to know someone then tell her the truth as you told us or just be a loving friend. she will figure out that it isn't evolving into a LTR. but you can end it with love and kindness and that is the difference between grown ups and children.


Sleeping Beauty, this is a great response.
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 30
Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 4:02:04 PM
mcviking, why dump her? Just take it easy with her. Those guys that don't return calls are all too common, especially when we don't put out.
 suzieinwv
Joined: 3/26/2008
Msg: 31
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Posted: 2/1/2009 4:06:43 PM

And you are? How can you possibly make this judgement call?


And I am what? I made this judgement based on an experience i had years ago. I agree with Sleeping Beauty. One night stands can literally hurt your soul. Sex on the first date and one night stands are just plain wrong. And just like everyone else on here......that is my opinion.
 suzieinwv
Joined: 3/26/2008
Msg: 34
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Posted: 2/1/2009 4:29:33 PM

Suzie, vietnamese budhism focuses heavily on sex within a loving relationship only and the repercussions of casual sex. their doctrine explains in detail what they consider damage done to the soul, emotions and the physical body by casual sex. i found it fascinating. i don't have a book title to recommend but i did order a few books through my local library system.

Yeah viking! Good plan![quote/]

Thanks for the info, Sleeping Beauty. I have been in that position once before, and yes, I do feel it is damaging to the soul. Maybe it is because I am a woman, but I will never do that again. It sure didn't help my self esteem or my feelings of self worth, and it will not be a mistake I will ever repeat. Thanks for your feed-back.
 catkin2007
Joined: 12/18/2007
Msg: 35
Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 4:33:35 PM
So, she was good enough to have sex with, but that's it.... yeah, that's really good OP. How do you think she is going to feel? Like you're an aXXhole!
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 39
Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 4:48:33 PM
OP, Let me ask you this - Did she do something wrong in your eyes? Do you think how you see her would have been different if she wouldn't have told you? I think if anything, her being able to be so frank about it, and being able to enjoy sex with you shows that she is not the one with the hang ups and has addressed the issues of her past very well. Just because someone had a traumatic childhood does not automatically mean they are a basket case. She probably has more insight on dealing with relationships than you have - especially if you had a happy childhood, you know nothing about dealing with life when the going gets rough.
 Zephyr2553
Joined: 12/28/2008
Msg: 41
Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 5:08:22 PM
Uhhh, you're dumping a girl you only met LAST NIGHT? and had sex with? You didn't bother to get to know her well enough first to learn of her molestation issues?

How can you "dump" a girl you only met last night and then had sexual intercourse with??@!! She needs to dump YOU.
 suzieinwv
Joined: 3/26/2008
Msg: 42
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Posted: 2/1/2009 5:10:46 PM

Here's my decision, I am going to take her out for a drink and explain why I think we shouldn't see each other anymore. I hope you have all enjoyed the sideshow of my personal life.


I think that is a wise decision, Op. The fact that you have enough of a conscience to care whether you hurt her in my opinion says alot about your character. So you had a one night stand. Do I think one night stands are wrong? Yep. But regardless of her past issues, the responsibilty of wrongdoing here belongs to you both. You live and learn, Op. And trust me. You will.

Good luck.
 kbodley
Joined: 11/26/2008
Msg: 45
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Posted: 2/1/2009 6:20:47 PM
Okay, I'm probably going to get nailed for this, but here goes! If you met someone and the first time you met her, she ended up sleeping with you, chances are she is trying to mask her feelings with promiscuity - fairly common for someone who has been abused! Interesting that both of you are victims of abuse. Interesting that neither one of you had the forethought to say, "Gee, I met this person today. Maybe I better get to know them before I expose my vulnerable underbelly!"

There's a pretty good chance that she was using you, just as much as you were using her! And - yes - sorry there's no way that you can dump her without being perceived by many (and possibly her) as an a...s hole! By the same token, she is not exactly lilly white either - having decided to have sex with and trust her past with someone she knew for less than 48 hours!

So - you want to be less of a jerk? Pick up the phone and call her! Have a conversation that goes something like, "I think that you and I moved much faster last night than was a good idea for either of us! Given what you shared with me, I think that what we had was not so much a connection as a diversion. It was nice while it lasted, but I think I'm not the guy for you. Good luck!"

At least, you will not leave her sitting by the phone wondering whether or not you are going to call. It's kind of like ripping off bandages after a surgery - the sooner you get it over with, and the faster those bandages come off, the sooner you get over it! Give her that courtesy and then learn from this!

Next time spend enough time with someone that you find out whether or not there is anything there more sustaining of a relationship than a quick role in the sack! You had sex too soon bozo! It happens!
 mrcyrus
Joined: 1/26/2009
Msg: 50
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Posted: 2/2/2009 12:06:21 AM
Hey OP, if you were a **stard predator, you wouldn't be here. Anyone who can think with their head can see that. It's hard to blame anybody who ran to jump down your throat, but I don't think they really tried to see things from your perspective.

The way I see it, you hooked up with a cute chick and then you guys talked, but you don't want to date her and feel like a jerk for it because you shared something very personal with one another. Is it out of the question for you to remain acquaintances or even friends? With extreme optimism I say: maybe you misjudged her personality. But even if you didn't, the fact is that you know if you date her you're going to hurt her. It's good that you see it.

What you have to do, though, if you want to be a decent guy, is grab your balls and pick up the phone. You've gotta talk it out if your interest really is to minimize her hurt. If you're a decent guy, you won't have any reason to feel bad about being honest.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 61
Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/2/2009 7:01:39 AM
You want vindication for dumping your one night stand. Live up to it.

I find it sad that a woman opens up about an issue like this and you use that to dump her. Perhaps she should dump you.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 62
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Posted: 2/2/2009 7:03:57 AM
just because she has been molested, does not make her damaged goods, i think you are very shallow , and she would be better off with someone that will love her just the way she is
 catkin2007
Joined: 12/18/2007
Msg: 64
Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/2/2009 7:42:59 AM
If it is truly as you claim now, then pick up the phone and tell her you made a mistake, that things went to fast, that you don't think you are a good match and move on.
 sweet_n_heart
Joined: 1/31/2007
Msg: 68
Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/2/2009 9:19:01 AM
I agree with everyone here. YOUR the one with issues NOT her. Dumping her because of the awful thing that happened to her in the past, will make you an @@@hole. It will not help her, would make things worse. For something like that it does take alot to tell someone that wether known for a long time or short time, it's not easy.. She felt she could tell you this and this is how you repay her? Maybe you don't know how to handle it but no excuse to dump her... just explain to her that you don't know how to handle it but certainly would try, that want to take things slowly.. don't have sex together again til you really know where things are going or not going. But, if you can't do that, then she deserves better.. What happened to her is not her fault, she didn't ask for it, so she shouldn't basically get punished for it.

With this, there's no way you can break it off without being an @@@hole, sorry to burst your little bubble here.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 71
Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/2/2009 9:24:04 AM
OP
Simply a statement of fact...there's no way that you can tell this gal you don't want to see her again without being the "bad guy" to some extent. I'm certainly NOT suggesting that you continue seeing her out of guilt.
As far as hurting her, on the contrary I think she will learn a couple of valuable lessons with regards to Adventures in Modern Dating;
1. The first sexual encounter, be it the first date or the fourteenth, is a critical passage. This is where a gal learns whether the involvement is truly about 2 people with a dating future, or whether it was just about the conquest/sex. Yes, generally speaking, making a guy "wait to get into your pants" will screen out the casual horndog looking for a hole to stick his d*ck into,but it may not screen the guy who sees seduction as the goal. Nor does subscribing to some set of "rules"or a timeline, about sexual intimacy speak to the possiblity of incompatibility or just plain bad sex (and yes,this is the 21st century women can, and do, dump men who are not that good in bed.)
2. She will learn to keep her sexual history to herself,at least until there's a sense of comfort and trust flowing between her and her partner. That zone isn't achieved on a first date.
So, OP, speak your piece to her , accept the boos and hisses hurled at you, and get on with your life. And she should do the same.
Cindy O
 forum_froggie
Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 73
Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/2/2009 9:33:55 AM
I'm not even bothering to read further, just the OP.

Unless you have a past with this girl i.e. chat/email, all you had, bub, was a one-night stand, exactly the same thing she had with you.

If this is the case? I commend you on being sensitive to her plight, but c'mon, it was a one night stand.

Now I'm going to go read the rest of the posts in your thread, and see how wide I should open my mouth for my foot.

Yup, it's gonna be one of those Mondays......sigh.
 suzieinwv
Joined: 3/26/2008
Msg: 76
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Posted: 2/2/2009 10:24:07 AM

You are still a douche because you used her for sex. Regardless of what she went through and you went through in the past. As for your statement "But things happen when two adults hang out sometimes." It's highly wrong. I have and still do hang out with males (most of my friends are guys) and have yet to go oh it's sex time let's jump into bed. It seems like you still have a lot of growing up to do.


I am just wondering why there is no mention of any wrong doing on the girl's part in this post? Does she not share equal responsibilty in this? If a girl does not wish to be used for sex - then she needs to keep her legs closed until she truly gets to know someone that she can trust. Cmon. We all know this. And if he does not wish to be in this predicament again - he needs to keep it in his pants. And that is what growing up is about. He is not a bad person; he had a one night stand, for crying out loud.
 bellazingara
Joined: 7/4/2007
Msg: 78
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Posted: 2/2/2009 10:34:36 AM
Hi OP,

I think you did the right thing by telling her sooner than later and more importantly being honest with her. No matter how much you try to sugar coat bad news, someone is still likely to get hurt. Kudos to you for not taking the easy way out and pulling the disappearing act.

Best Wishes,

 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 79
Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/2/2009 10:37:31 AM
You people seem to be caught up in the personal morality of having sex on the first date. If you think that is wrong then that's your bussiness,

I'm caught up in nothing. I don't particularly think sex on the first date is wrong. I do think it's usually a bad idea,unless both people are clearly on the same page. How often does THAT happen on a first date?
But the fact remains, had you kept this first date clothed and conversational, you might have picked up on some of the other "disconnects" ( her racism and whatever else) that you claim are more significant than her molestation issues.
If you don't want to be "attacked", seen as "stupid", a "male stereotype that f*cks and runs" accused of "thinking with your d*ck", having no regard for the feelings of others,yadda yadda;
DON'T have sex on a first date and then post a topic on a dating site forum about how to dump the gal without looking like a rat b*stard. Better yet, learn to curb your urges and get to know someone a little bit before the 2 of you get nekkid together. If you can't then learn to man up and deal with the aftermath of f*cking someone on the first date,then not wanting to see them again,for WHATEVER reason.
Hit and run sex is a touchy topic,especially for women. It seems like we are damned if we do and damned if we don't. If we have sex on a first date, probably 80% of the time the guy's going to discover an "issue",because the woman was "too easy". If the sex was pretty good, he'll contact her again when he wants a little no strings stuff. But if the woman doesn't allow first date sex, well then, maybe she's "frigid", or "dislikes sex", or worse, she's using sex to "control" the outcome of the interaction.
Now, OP, do you understand that first date sex is a touchy subject for a lot of women who start feeling like 80% of the male population sees them as just warm holes to stick thier d*cks in? I don't PERSONALLY care, I've come to understand that I have to accept the consequences of my sexual decisions in dating. But a lot of women have been screwed over just about one too many times and this sort of thing just pisses them off to no end.

Cindy O
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 86
Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/2/2009 2:16:10 PM

The deal breaker wasn't the fact that she was molested, its because we weren't compatible on a multitude of levels.


And of course you had no idea these incompatibilities existed until you had sex with her.
No, I think probably the sex wasn't good but you feel like about a half inch high for dumping her because of that. I wonder if her spilling her guts about the abuse/molestation was because she sensed you weren't impressed. It certainly seems to me to be a rather odd subject to launch into with someone you just had first date sex with, unless you felt a need to explain a lackluster performance.

I didn't see her whole personality until after we slept together

You can't see someone's whole personality in one date, unless you've known the person in real time for awhile. Even when you are with someone for a long long time, "personality" evolves.
Look, you came here hoping that someone could give you a magic way to tell this woman you don't want to see her again. I will give you brownie points for at least letting her know that,instead of just "falling off the face of the earth" .
It's my thinking that had you been impressed with the sex, it wouldn't have mattered if she'd been molested by the entire 7th Cavalry and was a member of the Ku Klux Klan . You'd be interested in continuing to see her. Rejecting someone because the sex wasn't good is not all that reprehensible. It's almost impossible to come out and SAY that to the other person, regardless of the medium of communication.
My recommendation? Be truthful with YOURSELF. If you are seriously looking for a meaningful longterm relationship, get to know the person a little bit first. Don't call sexual incompatibility,based on first date sex, "incompatible on a multitude of levels" . How the hell many levels can you explore on a first date when part of it's spent drinking alcohol and doing the horizontal mambo?
Cindy O
 suzieinwv
Joined: 3/26/2008
Msg: 89
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Posted: 2/2/2009 3:47:03 PM

Did I make a mistake by sleeping with her on the first date? Perhaps. But that's for me to live with and not for you to judge me.


So Op, are you going to come into a forum again and ask for any advice? Just a little humor there. But that's what these things are for - to gain a wider perspective on the subject at hand. Although I know you have spent alot of time defending yourself, just keep in mind that there aren't any right or wrong answers here. Because ultimately, the decision is yours, and you will be the one living with your decision. So I send my best wishes to you and good luck.




 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 90
Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/2/2009 3:59:02 PM




Did I make a mistake by sleeping with her on the first date? Perhaps. But that's for me to live with and not for you to judge me.

Who's judging? I SAID that rejecting someone because the sex wasn't good IS NOT ALL THAT REPREHENSIBLE. But it is awfully difficult to come out and say that to a person. I'm not sure letting someone think you weren't going to see them again because they revealed a history of being molested is any kinder.
And I for one do not think you are 'deviant' for having sex on the first date. I commend you for worrying that she would think her history of molestation was the reason you rejected her. But what's done is done...either you don't see her again(with or without an explanation), or you keep seeing her because you feel bad for her. Which of course really isn't a workable solution.
Will SHE think you dumped her because of the molestation issue? Who knows? There isn't much of anything you, or I or anybody else can do about it if she does.


But the fact that she can't sleep with someone next to her is kind of a big deal if you are going to have a ltr in my opinion

No it isn't. Twin beds or even separate rooms. Yes I know it's not the usual situation in a marriage or ltr, but these concessions do get made for partners with health issues, restless/thrashing around sleepers, people with chronic pain conditions...
I don't think you are a deviant for having sex on the first date, but refraining from it could help prevent the very scenario we are now hashing over.


I liked her, but then I saw something I didn't want to be with. A girl who doesn't match up with me. And no that doesn't mean I am too good for her, it means that we would not make a good couple

A lot of times these disconnects will come to light if one has a few dates WITHOUT having sex, then one need not feel guilty about not continuing to date the person if incompatibilities in character, values, personality come to light. So it's not a matter of deviancy, it's a matter of common sense.
Did you make sure to explain to her that her molestation had nothing to do with your decision to not continue dating her? Of course, more than likely, no matter what you say, she's going to believe that it WAS in fact the molestation. But there's not much you can do about that.
At the end of the day,OP, if you had no qualms about your decision to not see her anymore, why did you author this thread and specifically reference the molestation history first and foremost, only bringing up the racism and other incompatibilities in later posts?
Do you suspect YOUR OWN reaction? Is the molestation actually a factor, one that you don't want to face up to, because you know how much it hurts to be rejected on that account? Is this whole thread about you trying to prove to yourself that something you know is true isn't true? What is it you want from us?
Cindy O
 mrcyrus
Joined: 1/26/2009
Msg: 99
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Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/2/2009 7:02:32 PM

Yes I would still be hard on him. I could careless about the girl. He used her for sex and that was that. If he doesn't want to hurt anyone he needs to learn to keep his little man in his pants.


Hey there. In what universe was he using her for sex and she wasn't using him right back?
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