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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Over 50 and not sure of dating etiquette      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Molly Maude
Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 6
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Over 50 and not sure of dating etiquettePage 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
WOW! EVERYTHING YOU SAID ... exactly! everything! I couldn't have said it better ...

what's WRONG with men that they're too chicken-shit scared that they can't just pick up the phone and say, "hey! it's been fun ... but ... " WHATEVER! I mean ... they all brag about the size of their ... hmmmm ... (fill in the blank) ... but they sure can't follow up ... step up like a MAN and tell me it's over ...

I'm 5'2" ... a soft, sweet little grandma-type person ... fluffy, in fact ... NICE ... I'm not at ALL like a green monster! if you found something scarey in yur closet ... it would look nothing like me! so ... how scarey could I BE that they are too ... what? scared ? ... whatever ... to just call me and say, "it's over." I mean ... how hard is THAT?!

it's not that I WANT to be WITH these men ... (especially now that I know what chicken-shits they are) ... in fact, they could call and BEG and I wouldn't go out with one of them again ...

unless, of course, he was hit by a bus and spent the last several weeks in a coma in the hospital ... or maybe he fell off a turnip truck and landed in a ditch and only woke up after California got water and it woke him up flowin down the ditch ... (like THAT's gonna happen ... California getting water, I mean ... hope you folks aren't overly fond of tomatoes or other California produce that requires water to grow) ... I mean ... he'd have to PROVE that he'd been disabled ... I'm not THAT gullible ... he'd have to show me hospital bills or something ...

sigh ... ok ... I'm unwinding now ...

it's funny but I read your comments about TEN SECONDS after I was thinking that very thing ... I mean ... the most recent man encouraged me to spend $200 to buy us tickets on a trip he's apparently not interested in taking with me but doesn't have the (whatever ... fill in the blank) to call me and tell me that I'm screwed cuz I already bot those tickets and he's gone ...

grrrr ...

ok ... it's over ... I'm done ... sigh.



Molly
 Malley
Joined: 5/12/2007
Msg: 7
Over 50 and not sure of dating etiquette
Posted: 2/4/2009 6:13:32 PM
OP, I've learned that being mature has nothing to do with your birthdate.

If this man felt you were pressuring him I'd say he's got problems. I'd have messaged him back and told him the dress was non-refundable.
What a way to attempt to lay the blame at your feet.

Listen to the advice from pinciperro. What she said is true. There are many wonderful people on here. It can take time to sort out who is who. Don't rush, try not to take it personally or seriously and enjoy yourself. It is about the journey too.
 kbodley
Joined: 11/26/2008
Msg: 9
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Over 50 and not sure of dating etiquette
Posted: 2/4/2009 6:51:31 PM
OP, please don't waste a lot of time trying to figure people like this out! (I'm fairly certain that this is a gender non-specific issue, so note I did not say "men" like this!)

Once you have been in the internet dating scene for awhile you will get used to the folks that are just playing games! I met a guy not too long ago who exchanged emails for a week or so, then phone calls for a few days. Then we met for coffee - everything was wonderful! The we met for lunch - again wonderful! Then we met for a breakfast and spent the morning together! Again - absolutely had a great time! I was on my way home and got this phone call from him saying, "Thank you for this morning! I had a great time! I will give you a call and we'll get together next weekend for a real date!" We then said goodbye and agreed to talk on Tuesday evening! That was the last time I heard from him! No phone calls! No emails! No text messages! Nothing! Did a little research and found out that the wife he claimed to have died four year previously was alive and well and a local business owner! I can only assume that he was just playing games! (Because of who I am, I did send him an email letting him know that if I saw his profile posted again as a "widower" I would happily forward it to his wife in a registered letter - so suggested he should adopt a position of honesty in his infidelity!)
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 11
Over 50 and not sure of dating etiquette
Posted: 2/4/2009 8:44:54 PM
Op, it is a case of the grass is greener...they met you online and they get into you..then after the newness wears off or if god forbid they actually start to like you..then they get scared....so they back off...they dont want to let go of you...(if they call and say hey I need some time to think etc then you will react and things will end) but if they just drift out of connection then they think they have left that connection open to happen again...so when whatever NEW thing that caught their attention wears off then they might come back or they might move on to someone else and come back at a later date.

You will probably hear from him again.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 16
Over 50 and not sure of dating etiquette
Posted: 2/5/2009 6:49:49 PM
Ya. I'm with Sunny on this one. Besides, if you did get what you think you want, it's mostly lies: i.e., trying not to hurt your feelings. . . . Only takes about a week of your time over/against getting it in words. Use the time to work on getting over it.


 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 17
Over 50 and not sure of dating etiquette
Posted: 2/5/2009 8:37:40 PM

I find it really helps to have a sense of humour about the goings-on in the world of the internet, especially on dating sites. You can be the life of the party regaling your friends with stories. In time, you will no doubt find it to be hilarious - as I have


...Oh yes..like sister, I too have stories....the beginnings of a novel actually. But like the real world, there are good and bad mannered peeps...be patient, there's a whole lot of good guys on this site too.

...maeflowers
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 18
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Over 50 and not sure of dating etiquette
Posted: 2/5/2009 11:08:59 PM
Good and bad mannered peeps????......Who is peeping at you, when, where, and how.....

OT.....It does not matter if you are under 50 or over 50.......manners were learned at a much much younger stage in your life......think about it.....

Just my opinion......
 Landra
Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 19
Over 50 and not sure of dating etiquette
Posted: 2/6/2009 12:09:36 AM
I think they feel it's easier to disappear than to
1-cause you upset by spelling out why they aren't interested and/or
2- risk having (or being on the receiving end of) a giant emotional confrontation

I suspect it's more the latter (saving their own skin) rather than the former (hurting someone else) that causes people to evaporate. In this case, it's much easier to say nothing than to truly communicate.

That said, I don't know what info was exchanged when you emailed, phoned and dated so it's going to be up to you to ask yourself if you're coming on too strongly, or what. If you feel you're not being too aggressive, then you might just refer to 1 or 2
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 20
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Over 50 and not sure of dating etiquette
Posted: 2/6/2009 12:34:03 AM
Assertive....fine.....aggressive......not so fine......

The only way to be sure of anything, is to ask.......

Just my opinion.....
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 22
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Over 50 and not sure of dating etiquette
Posted: 2/6/2009 5:12:55 AM

I just can't figure out why men can't be truthful instead of acting like they are teenagers with not one ounce of manners.

Yep, better to quietly vanish on the wind before the inevitable and probably undeserved scolding by "Mom".
(What Landra said.)
 Gaddflye
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 23
Over 50 and not sure of dating etiquette
Posted: 2/6/2009 7:07:20 AM
The men you describe were just not into you, OP. It is as simple as that. Usually a man will need to see a woman he just met but did not know for a while before he decides one way or the other. At other times a man will simply lose interest at some point, even if things have been going well. I do not understand what is going on with us when this happens, but it happens to me. My initial interest in a woman just fades away. When I first meet a woman I may just have a slight interest in her, I may be swept off my feet or anything in between. We see each other once or a few times. Then wham! Her voice starts to bother me, it turns out she's a motormouth or some personal habit drives me crazy, or something about her background comes up; it can be anything. At that point, very early on when we do not yet have a relationship established and I want to bail I do not want to face all the verbal abuse she will likely heap on me so I just stop calling her or in effect disappear. It is frequently the least hassle and the best way to deal with it from a man's perspective.

Too, early on in a relationship any seemingly insignificant misstep by the other party can turn a person off, male or female. The situations you describe, OP, appear to have happened early in the getting to know one another stage. Something happened that was a turnoff. They happen to me at times. Sometimes I screw up; sometimes the woman screws up. That is life.

Now if a woman and I have been dating a while I always try to sit down with her in a public place and go through a "closure". They can still get a little crazy but we are out in public, so usually they bite their lip and deal with it. I always do this, no matter how short our relationship, if we have friends in common or I see her around in my social group. It is not easy for a man to go through this and I have worked hard to develop a good closure technique.
 watersnake
Joined: 1/26/2009
Msg: 25
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Over 50 and not sure of dating etiquette
Posted: 2/6/2009 9:10:37 PM
OP - There's nothing worse than going about your normal business, then suddenly - some IM window pops up with a" Hi How Are You?" from someone who is after you, asking how you're doing [Christ - I've done it myself when I was besotten - often enough - mea culpa!].

It Feels like you are being stalked sometimes! Gets creepy doesn't it?

I'm sure that women feel the same way as men when this happens to them!

They [females] usually deal with it much better [having been hit on repeatedly since the age of sixteen - by anyone wit half an ounce of testosterone ] by the time honoured method of "deleted unread" or just ignoring the message.

OP - the best thing to do is just to be thankful that you haven't wasted any more of your precious time on this C**t who doesn't have the b***s to say "thanks but goodbye".

Jim

"Before we can generate compassion and love, it is important to have a clear
understanding of what we understand compassion and love to be. In simple terms, compassion and love can be defined as positive thoughts and feelings that give rise to such essential things in life as hope, courage, determination, and inner strength. In the Buddhist tradition, compassion and love are seen as two aspects of the same thing: Compassion is the wish for another being to be free from suffering; love is wanting them to have happiness."-- His Holiness the Dalai Lama, from "The Compassionate Life",
 horses44
Joined: 9/10/2006
Msg: 26
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Over 50 and not sure of dating etiquette
Posted: 2/7/2009 7:24:34 AM
OP - This may sound harsh, but who cares?

I think SunnyTexas post #21 and Gadfly hit the nail on the head. I have never understood this whole "closure thing" that some people need, especially if you have been dating less than say, three months. I have had it done to me, where in "my mind" things were going smooth as silk, and then the phone stops ringing or e-mails stop. What usually goes through my mind is hmmmmm:

1. He's dead
2. He is not interested anymore.

End of story.

I give men alot of "wiggle room" when we first start dating, I am keeping a checklist of "we share this in common, we don't share this in common, we agree on this, don't agree on that" and I am hoping he is doing the same. For example, if I start dating someone and he says he has a passion for collecting teddy bears and beanie babies - that is gonna strike me as a little (Ohhhh, I see, making a mental note that I will avoid phone calls and e-mail, yes I will disappear). Just as if I said to some guy that I make my living raising earthworms, my bet is that he will disappear. (BTW, I gave up the earthworm thing years ago )

Yes, these examples are extremes, but people have the option of opting out, and if my phone stops ringing, guess what "He just wasn't that into you"
 horses44
Joined: 9/10/2006
Msg: 27
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Over 50 and not sure of dating etiquette
Posted: 2/7/2009 7:55:56 AM
^^^^^^

You are right, she asked a simple question and I turned it into a therapy session.

And I am with you on the aloof tact as well
 ankkka
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 29
Over 50 and not sure of dating etiquette
Posted: 2/7/2009 9:40:36 AM
I don't know what kind of men you met...

I met few men from here...and all of them were nice...just from the start I knew they are not for me...and they were knowing my opinion before we met.
I just gave them opportunity to meet me...because of their curiosity(I think).


It is no dating etiquette...it is who you are.
 alwaysthere51
Joined: 5/10/2008
Msg: 30
Over 50 and not sure of dating etiquette
Posted: 2/9/2009 5:48:49 PM
Know what I feel the same about women, I just don't understand at least write back and say not interested instead of hanging or waiting. I'm sure there are men that do the same NO RESPECT. I think its the way I was raised old style I was taught treat people like I want to be treated
 justonefriend
Joined: 1/30/2009
Msg: 32
Over 50 and not sure of dating etiquette
Posted: 2/9/2009 8:43:25 PM
I wish I could defend my gender but I can't. My only thought on this issue comes back to a question of due diligence. Was the gentleman involved being truthful from the start? He may have gotten in over his head and used the first excuse he could justify to himself. There is also the elephant in the room that men are reticent to discuss. Men our age often have performance issues and "stage fright". He may have felt that should the relationship go further that he would'nt live up to expectations. Men in general, are much more insecure then we generally let on. Just a thought. On a slightly different tack . there are questions I have about common courtesy. If a message from me is received and read, is it too much trouble to simply reply with a simple "no thank you" ? I feel that the very least I can do if an advance is made that I should let the woman know my thoughts one way or the other. Am I wrong? Afterall, we are all on here because of lonliness. I think it's dreadful to ignore a person that is reaching out when we KNOW they are lonely and hurting.
 Brownlady1953
Joined: 12/12/2008
Msg: 33
Over 50 and not sure of dating etiquette
Posted: 2/10/2009 3:00:51 PM
Sher, there are a lot of people online who have mental health issues, and you're better off not dealing with them.......
 mscloverct
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 35
you got that right
Posted: 2/10/2009 8:53:10 PM
I think that you are on the right track, I think you have met some of the men I've met to have learned that. I ditto you.
 mscloverct
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 39
you got that right
Posted: 2/11/2009 5:50:25 PM
Yes! sorry to say it but I did, but I'm a few years past that. I take it ,if it's good and, If I start to see that crazy stuff happening I head south.
 mscloverct
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 40
You TOO!
Posted: 2/11/2009 5:56:56 PM
Hey you must also met the Poofs I've met they are something else. But you know you must be alot like me you still think there are some real winners out there. And men you don't have to poof me off. I don't want nothing that don't want me so relax. I read someplace that dating is fun even if it's not mr. right/ms. right.
 lovecynic
Joined: 6/9/2008
Msg: 45
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Over 50 and not sure of dating etiquette
Posted: 4/7/2009 2:41:42 PM
I am in a situation where I have been dating/living with my partner for a year (after being divorced for 3 years after a 30 year marriage). We are extremely compatible and very happy. I would prefer to be married as I am old school and really hate being referred to as a 'girlfriend'. Most of our time is spent at his house (because of location) and I feel my own home is being neglected because of the amount of time I spend at his place.

I would prefer to get married and buy a different house together. But he is reluctant to take that step. He says he is comfortable with his house and is happy to have me live with him. (Finances are not a problem for either of us and we share expenses when we are together) I am tired of living in two houses and supporting my empty one. He has not mentioned marriage in any conversation. How can I handle this?

Do I go back to a dating situation where we go to our separate homes at the end of the day? Do I just enjoy the situation and wait? Do I sell my house and move in totally with him with a cohabitation agreement?

any advice from all the more experienced POF's out there.
 stevelfun
Joined: 10/23/2005
Msg: 46
Over 50 and not sure of dating etiquette
Posted: 4/7/2009 4:37:27 PM
I can sum up the new dating etiquette/rules very simply.

"There are NO rules!"

Anything goes - is acceptable, people will do.

Yes, you will be bewildered, shocked, dismayed and horrified.

True.
 kriscat9
Joined: 2/28/2013
Msg: 50
Over 50 and not sure of dating etiquette
Posted: 3/11/2013 7:20:38 PM
I must say I do like your answers. :-)
 Deepseaceecee
Joined: 1/29/2013
Msg: 52
Over 50 and not sure of dating etiquette
Posted: 3/11/2013 11:57:45 PM
Molly, you may be nice but you are gullible if you bought tickets for some guy for a trip. Why would you do that?
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