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 Sweet*Child
Joined: 6/11/2007
Msg: 1
Dunno What To DOPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Here is my dilemna.........chatted with this guy in IM for a year. Just friendly chat, clean conversation. We would type in the same words at the same time, had such fantastic connection. Finally in mid-December of 2008 we talked on the phone and met in person. Just a "meet & greet" over a drink. Well..........it was just a friendly meeting, no kissing, yet THE SPARKS FLEW!
He has been in an unhappy marriage (3 children) with affairs on both sides for 8 years.
He calls me and sexually teases me, sexually teases me in IM now that we have met and there is chemistry.
This past weekend, his wife moved out and filed for divorce. Not because of anything between he and I, it has just been a long time in coming. She says she doesn't love him, can't stand to be around him, etc.
I told him that, until it is all final, I can't have much to do with him.

The problem?
I feel SUCH STRONG connection to him. I have not felt such connection with a man who I never even kissed.......ever.
He is respectful of the fact that I won't do much with him until he is legally free.
We talk on the phone (mostly clean, mildly flirtatious).

Should I wait around for his divorce to be final? Will I just be his "rebound girl"?
He seems sincere. Has not tried to move it to physical.
 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 2
Dunno What To DO
Posted: 2/6/2009 6:24:45 AM
if the connection is really that strong, it will still be there when the divorce becomes final

stick to your beliefs, then there's no resentment or feelings of guilt on your part, later

you may be his 'rebound girl'... but it may really be love too.... time will reveal that - so waiting for the divorce is healthier in more than one way, imo
 navybloo
Joined: 1/23/2009
Msg: 3
Dunno What To DO
Posted: 2/6/2009 6:32:07 AM
Hey.

Well I can kind of relate to this because I've been separated for 8 months. Firstly there's no rule book about stuff like this, everyone is an individual and the recovery time from a divorce can vary wildy.

But saying that, the last thing you want to be is the rebound girl! I wasn't really ready to start dating for at least 4 months after my split, and even then I had it in the back of mind to NOT fall for the first girl I slept with. Because after a huge schism in your life like that, the first person you have a real connection with can feel like the best thing in the world, and it's easy to get blinded by that.

Good luck!
 Sweet*Child
Joined: 6/11/2007
Msg: 4
Dunno What To DO
Posted: 2/6/2009 6:38:56 AM
Maybe I should add that he knows I have been abstinant for 3 years.
Yes, that's right. I see it as being faithful to the next great love of my life. He and I have not even kissed, just parting hugs.
This is a RARE connection from both sides. We finish eachothers sentences, have the same background and a deep love for family.
 dysfunction_junction
Joined: 7/17/2008
Msg: 5
Dunno What To DO
Posted: 2/6/2009 6:48:52 AM
nobody here has a crystal ball, and there are always a ton of unknowns around new relationships, but one can pencil in future probabilities based on past actions. [i will refrain from making any presumptuous remarks about his marriage or his character. others will surely be more than happy to pick up the slack, heh heh.] so if you have the kind of connection with this person that you describe, then why assume the worst even before the dance really begins? especially when there is zero evidence to support it except in your own worst imaginings (i.e., "rebound girl" phenomenon). proceed with caution, but give it a chance! and congratulations on findings someone with "the connection"... and i wish you both the best.
 ~SparklingRose~
Joined: 10/20/2008
Msg: 6
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History
Dunno What To DO
Posted: 2/6/2009 6:54:17 AM
I'm with english lass on this one... if the connection is that strong it will endure the wait.


Three things about this situation that say wait it out:

1.) He cheated through their 8 yr. marriage. (irrelevant that she did also)

2.) His wife only having left just under 2 months ago has him (and, her) in 'transitional phase'.

3.) They still have the mess of divorce proceedings, etc, and all that that entails, to reach finalizing.

 _Poupette_
Joined: 12/21/2008
Msg: 7
Dunno What To DO
Posted: 2/6/2009 6:57:25 AM
Good luck... write again in 6 months time and update us
 collecting moments
Joined: 8/11/2008
Msg: 8
view profile
History
Dunno What To DO
Posted: 2/6/2009 6:59:11 AM
How old are you????????
"chatted with this guy in IM for a year"
"This past weekend, his wife moved out and filed for divorce."
 Sweet*Child
Joined: 6/11/2007
Msg: 9
Dunno What To DO
Posted: 2/6/2009 7:02:18 AM
Well, Lone Hawk, I can understand your POV.
However, it is just a friendship. Not an affair with me.
I was in his position 4 years ago. When your mate who you had children with, the one who vowed to "love, honor & cherish" becomes "hostile, disrespectful & hateful" .......it does something to your psyche.
It makes a person feel so lonely, isolated and fearful.
I understand what he is going through because I have gone through it.
The connection, even without the physical is so strong.
I am a smart woman, I know better than to get involved sexually with a man who is not really free to be with me.
However, when you find eachother in a world of such slim chances, if any, it is really a rare thing.
I just need input.
 Sweet*Child
Joined: 6/11/2007
Msg: 10
Dunno What To DO
Posted: 2/6/2009 7:08:06 AM
Collecting moments..........please don't throw an "ageist" pre-judging, prejudice on this.

I get so tired of the out dated notions of what anyone of any certain age is supposed to conform to just because it was the norm for so long.
Teenagers can start their own businesses, now. Women of 50+ can have healthy babies, people of all ages are both tech-savvy and tech-challenged, so don't throw the judgemental ageist spin on this.
I apologize if that sounds rude.
I just get tired of the notion that age has very much to do with anything in the modern world of 2009.
 Heptone
Joined: 6/28/2007
Msg: 11
Dunno What To DO
Posted: 2/6/2009 7:08:35 AM
I would worry a lot more about the rebound issue than anything else, but face it, someone has to be this guy's rebound gal, which is to say someone has to be the first relationship he tries out after his divorce. Do you want to give someone else your place in line so they can be the rebound gal -- and maybe risk losing the guy to her or fate?

Why it's a worry is that, well, it took me some 15 years or so to find a wife, so the odds were my first relationship after my divorce was not apt to be the second love of my life. So, whether this is going to last (based on his recent molting) is a long shot, I would say. But, then again, do you want to step back or worry about that or get into the mix?

I do have a good friend who is deathly afraid his wife will find out if he so much as touches another woman until his divorce is final. That seems to keep him pretty focused on the divorce, because he's as human as the next guy. So, it may be your dude has solid reasons for not jumping too fast at this point. Hope some of that is helpful. Good luck.
 PassTheMuster
Joined: 5/12/2008
Msg: 12
Dunno What To DO
Posted: 2/6/2009 7:08:42 AM
Well, OP, after reading your other thread where you admit to being 15 years older than what your profile indicates, simply so you can attract younger men...I'd say stick with this guy.

He cheats on his wife, you lie to get what you want.

No wonder your connection is so strong; you two are like peas in a pod.


I just get tired of the notion that age has very much to do with anything in the modern world of 2009.


If age has nothing to do with anything, why lie about it?!
 MyLifeAsMe
Joined: 1/26/2009
Msg: 13
Well how about that....
Posted: 2/6/2009 7:09:39 AM
...a liar and a cheater feel a "strong connection"...with justifications for their respective behaviors at the ready.

I was thinking "narcissist" in the other thread...now its confirmed....
 MyLifeAsMe
Joined: 1/26/2009
Msg: 14
She is....
Posted: 2/6/2009 7:12:17 AM
How old are you????????


...33...going on 48. Or is it the other way around?

It is a wonderful thing when drama filled people wear a sign right on their forehead...it makes life so much easier....you can avoid them, while making it easier for them to find each other!! It works out for everybody...
 Sweet*Child
Joined: 6/11/2007
Msg: 15
She is....
Posted: 2/6/2009 7:16:39 AM
Wow............glad I am not as judgemental and closed minded as you, mylifeasme.
I have had so many wonderful life experiences (i.e. met people I would not have met, travelled the world, experienced great friendships).
All because I am willing to think outside the box, color outside the lines and keep an open mind.
Even the Da'lai lama said,
"It is important to know the rules in order to know how to properly break them."
 navybloo
Joined: 1/23/2009
Msg: 16
Dunno What To DO
Posted: 2/6/2009 7:24:00 AM
"She's 48, and lying about her age so she can prowl for younger guys? "

Wow, if that's true that's pretty pathetic.
 MyLifeAsMe
Joined: 1/26/2009
Msg: 17
And I...
Posted: 2/6/2009 7:27:00 AM
Wow............glad I am not as judgmental and closed minded as you, mylifeasme.


...am glad I am not as uncomfortable in my skin, or so desperately in need of attention.

When you are RIGHT - you don't' FEAR being judged, because you know your actions are above board.

When you are WRONG...but you know it, and have made peace with it (when you decide you are just gonna do some dirt, and that is just that), you don't CARE about being judged (in other words, you wouldn't have come looking for validation regarding your decision to lie about your age, or carry on an emotional affair with a married man).

But....when you CRY about being judged...it is because your CONSCIOUS is crying out, but your dark intentions seek to override it.

There is a term for people who behave unethically for their benefit, and then justify and defend that same behavior....

This is just a guess...I bet your "beau" has TONS of justifications for his infidelities, doesn't he?

You two deserve each other...like I said, I am just glad you are wearing your sign for all to see....

(btw...this is the part where you again whine about being judged...)
 Sweet*Child
Joined: 6/11/2007
Msg: 18
Dunno What To DO
Posted: 2/6/2009 7:27:59 AM
no, navybloo, I am not "prowling" at all.
I have not even been on this site in over a year.
I just needed some advice.
I fit in with a younger crowd, I just have more in common with men AND women (straight) in a younger age bracket.
Plus........I NEVER go after younger men, they always come after me.
 collecting moments
Joined: 8/11/2008
Msg: 19
view profile
History
She is....
Posted: 2/6/2009 7:28:40 AM
If you end up with him, you might want to keep your crayons so you can "color outside the lines" while he's "chatting" with other women.
 heartseekertrue
Joined: 6/24/2008
Msg: 20
She is....
Posted: 2/6/2009 7:30:36 AM
your post, profile....and other threads...show remarkable disclosure, but that can actually be a hindrance. The other....sees what you write on the screen only;
suddenly their projective identification is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Hence the apparent compelling connection of "finishing each others thoughts".
Probably a tenuous basis for longtitudinal relational satisfaction, jumping into each others box....

I concur that the odds mayhaps are against you....considering the history as given.
Are there confounding unknowns? You bet.
As betting man, could go either way, but experience tends cast a scrutinizing eye.
...think outside of the box, throw a few curves, be a little less transparent. how does the other react then?

"Box" thinking is "this is IT" (yet, he's hardly out of HIS OWN box yet. WILL THAT TAKE TIME? absitively, posolutely.) just a bit 'o' musings....outloud, as requested.
best wishes!
 Sweet*Child
Joined: 6/11/2007
Msg: 21
And I...
Posted: 2/6/2009 7:31:52 AM
Mylife as me..........this is coming from a man who, by your profile........is still legally married, yet is looking to DATE?
Ha Ha Ha Ha............I consider the source in your case.
My guy friend is just that..........a friend.
I am completely single.......you should get yourself totally free before you go out looking, on a dating site, for someone who "enjoys kissing" as much as you.
 navybloo
Joined: 1/23/2009
Msg: 22
Dunno What To DO
Posted: 2/6/2009 7:32:46 AM
Yep, well good luck to you, sincerely.

But I must admit that if anyone lies on their profile then they can forget it. There really is nothing worse than dishonesty, it's a shame people have to resort to that.

Imagine if a guy did the same thing, a 48 year old dude saying he's 33 looking for a 25+ girl ...he'd be quite rightly branded a perv.

Anyway, whatever, time to move on.
 ~SparklingRose~
Joined: 10/20/2008
Msg: 23
view profile
History
She is....
Posted: 2/6/2009 7:33:09 AM
Right... I caught the other thread also OP.

The: I'm 48, lie about it stating I'm 33, so I can hook younger fishes - even though I've been here since '07 and had no clue I could set mail settings to any specific age range, never mind I could have stated my true age and specified what I seek in my profile.

Why?... wait for it...

Because the Da'lai Lama speaks, and you twist it to "Cheating, and lieing is fine as long as you do it properly"

WOW...

** Yep, you 2 deserve each other... yikes. **
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 24
Dunno What To DO
Posted: 2/6/2009 7:37:14 AM


He has been in an unhappy marriage (3 children) with affairs on both sides for 8 years.

This past weekend, his wife moved out and filed for divorce. Not because of anything between he and I, it has just been a long time in coming. She says she doesn't love him, can't stand to be around him, etc.


SweetChild - you KNOW this is all fact -- because he TOLD you? Or because you actually live with these people and KNOW this for fact? If you don't live with them, then you only have a lying cheater's words to go on. Hmm.

Do you have any idea how many married men lie about their "unhappy marriages," their upcoming "divorces," their "no-good cheating wives" and their "sexless, passionless marriages" to women they troll for on the internet? This is so cliche!

I'd be willing to bet the farm that his wife is very much STILL in the house, STILL married to him, and has NO CLUE whatsoever that their marriage is "heading for divorce" and that she's supposedly moved out and filed for divorce. You can't swing a dead cat around the internet without hitting one (or ten) of these lying scam artists.

Seriously - stay grounded. The chances that this c*ck-and-bull story is actually true are extremely LOW.
 pinciperro
Joined: 4/5/2008
Msg: 25
Dunno What To DO
Posted: 2/6/2009 7:39:54 AM
Ok, regardless of how old you are, you are NOT a child as your username implies.
With this being said, I would suggest to you that you should remove yourself from this situation. If you are looking for a healthy, loving relationship then this is not the one to pursue.

No matter how strong your feelings are it is wise for you to take a step back and breathe.
Collect your thoughts and remember that he HAS cheated on his wife, he is STILL married.
You WILL be the rebound woman. Don't you deserve better than this?
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