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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Can you keep her happy without spending money?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 debug555
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 1
Can you keep her happy without spending money?Page 1 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
Young relationships. How does one keep his girl feeling loved when he is temporally low on cash. I need help.

It's winter, I found my self in a relationship with a fragile woman. After 6 weeks I ran out of money for extras, I will explain later. After less then a week she was upset because we never went out, so we found things to do that are free or cheep. Unfortunately that did not leave her feeling satisfy. What can I do in the future?
Ok back to the money thing. I was temporally out of cash for the heating season. I divorced two years ago, found my self with a new mortgage no way to sell it without getting a loan to pay the 6% realtor fee. In stead of letting it go I bucked up spending no money on my self. Somehow I made it work but I'm still spending 75% of my income on the mortgage. I want to keep my home and find a healthy relationship.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 2
Can you keep her happy without spending money?
Posted: 2/7/2009 8:26:40 AM
yikes @ apainlessend! Wouldn't it be nice if a man had that same option where you both had each other's back instead of the archaic notion that it's somehow the man's obligation somehow to let his woman "play" at working for a living instead of being an equal contributor. Not to worry, the guys who won't even get a job aren't in the same running as you - they're found out to be useless bums at some point.
 CEO of Hoagie Inc.
Joined: 7/30/2007
Msg: 3
Can you keep her happy without spending money?
Posted: 2/7/2009 8:44:48 AM
RUN
as fast and far as you can. If she can't deal with your tight financial situation trust me you don't need her.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 4
Can you keep her happy without spending money?
Posted: 2/7/2009 9:03:23 AM

I agree. I think OP, that you have more things to worry about than dating at the moment. A lot of people have been hit by these hard times. In this day and age, dating is a luxury. The thing that leaves me gobsmacked is people are looking for dates when they should be looking for jobs. Priorities need to change. Imagine dating and being homeless....doesn't quite sound ideal, does it?

Exactly....I second this.
 jm0405
Joined: 7/7/2008
Msg: 5
Can you keep her happy without spending money?
Posted: 2/7/2009 9:27:07 AM
If she has so much money and she wants to do something bad enough, why can't she pick up the tab?
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 6
Can you keep her happy without spending money?
Posted: 2/7/2009 9:45:46 AM
"Can you keep her happy without spending money? "

OP - you are joking right?

In the very unlikely case that you are not joking ........

NO ... NEWP ..... NADA .........

At the end of the day - EVERYTHING IS ABOUT MONEY.

Got it ?
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 7
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Can you keep her happy without spending money?
Posted: 2/7/2009 10:27:39 AM
I found my self in a relationship with a fragile woman.


I divorced two years ago, found my self with a new mortgage no way to sell it without getting a loan to pay the 6% realtor fee.


finding yourself… ....suggests these things happened unwittingly….


I want to keep my home and find a healthy relationship.


Great. I'd own that statement. It's positive, direct and achievable as long as you're open to doing it in stages. First: deal with house issues. Second: find a healthy relationship.

Shelter is primary. If you're constantly worrying about paying your mortgage, you’ll be a contributor to a very stressful relationship. This I believe is where we find you right now, correct??

By taking the time to continue to 'buck up' as you put it and to address your financial squeeze issues (other posters suggested ideas); you will eventually come back to dating with increased cash flow and confidence. I think that's when you'll find the relationship that you're looking for. I tend to think that you attract what you project. Give yourself some time. JMO---
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 9
Can you keep her happy without spending money?
Posted: 2/7/2009 12:29:31 PM
1. Get the loan to pay the realtor fee and sell.
2. Downsize - you obviously can't afford to keep yourself in the same condition to which you've been accustomed. It's called keeping up pretences at your own expense on many fronts. Drop the pretence or it'll eventually eat you alive.
3. The downsizing will provide you with the money to pay the realtor fee and then start you on the way to savings and a bit of "fun money" that you can throw at whatever other female pickpocket who comes your way.
4. There really are women out there who don't expect it to be a free ride when it comes to dating. Apparently, from the sound of it, they're far and and few between, but we do exist. In this day and age a lot of women earn more than some men and yet there's still this idea that the man should constantly pony up. No wonder so many men wind up feeling used. Disgusting!

As far as one poster's comment about paying for nice conversation and sex...all I can say is OMFG...if you both go into it with that kind of attitude, you certainly deserve each other - what a twisted way of viewing interpersonal relationships.
 Bob_49
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 10
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Can you keep her happy without spending money?
Posted: 2/7/2009 3:34:56 PM
This question should be two parts. Can you start a relationship without money? Can you keep a relationship without money. The question should be do you want a woman who only sees you for what you have? You need to honest and live within your means to do so. Life has its ups and downs from being able to spend large amounts on a single date to seeing what can be done when your tank is on empty and you have to decide on whether to have that next date knowing you will eat mac and cheese or ramon noodles again.

The answer is a good woman will make it easy if you try and substitute creativeness and a true interest for money. Its going to be a battle as they will hear from most how they should walk away to a person with more. If the spark is there the flame will grow. It just takes more work. Then when the times get better treat her like a princess, because you have a special woman.

A woman who you have been seeing for a while may push and encourage you to make more but if she insists on spending your money you don't have, run and run fast. If you don't it will take a greater toll when the marriage breaks or even if it doesn't.

Live, laugh, love. Life is good.
 debug555
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 11
Can you keep her happy without spending money?
Posted: 2/7/2009 3:39:59 PM
Thanks for the wide rang is perspectives, this is the only way to tell what could realistically be going on inside any women's head. It is only a matter how much it effects ones opinion or respect for were I am today. This would effect any relationship hat is why I need help analyzing and adjusting my situation. This is not a subject I talk or complain about if I can help it. I will eventually come up. I must say when I had been spending more extreme amounts of money on dates, the party life put me around more troubled characters, bar flies. Quite frankly I tend to be more picky with whom I associate with. I bought this home to entertain friends. When property values go back up I would be more likely sell if not before. That was the plan. Room mates, been there done that, will do again but not always easy to deal with. $300 for three rooms goes a long ways.

To clarify not defend this situation:
Well, after very patiently listening to her seemingly endless non constructive criticisms, the level of her anger spilled out into a rage. The conversations would usually end up about her problems and my understanding comforting actions. So I told her to leave my home. That was that.
She was a good Christian to fellowship with, 35 year old virgin, great morals unfortunately self absorbed with depression anxiety and Seasonal affective disorder said to be fine in the summer. Mental illness is a terrible this to witness. I was hoping praying for a better proactive medical treatment plan.

OK I misspoke about my income, the mortgage is 75% of my take home after insurance 401K, flexible spending etc. My taxes will soon be going down by $75 a month. Refinancing will drop it by $200 a month. I do not have a car payment or credit cards. I know coworkers who pay $500 per car. I have all the tools and ability to repair any car troubles for next to nothing. $3000 take return on the way. Credit score of 750 ish.

I have many fun things to do at home, often I play in a band, run sound or DJ weddings, life for me is not boring. I am not a couch potato and usually cant sit still long enough to watch a movie.

OK I need to stop venting. LOL
Thanks for all of the diverse honest opinions. I am sure to be the wiser for it.
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 12
Can you keep her happy without spending money?
Posted: 2/7/2009 4:46:38 PM
If free or cheap doesn't satisfy her, she's a gold digger. Your mortgage should come first. If you lose your house she'll definitely be gone.
 cncgandolf
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 13
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Can you keep her happy without spending money?
Posted: 2/7/2009 11:57:36 PM
"I want to keep my home and find a healthy relationship."

Change the kind of woman you are looking for. There are plenty of financially self-sufficient women who like to go to free concerts in the park and picnics and walks and free museums and ... plenty more free things. They aren't looking for a man as a pocketbook. However, they are also not looking for men who expect them to pay either. If she cooks dinner one night, you get to reciprocate by cooking dinner. Equity. Financial balance.

I'm fine paying my way ... if he does. No toy boys.
 Zephyr2553
Joined: 12/28/2008
Msg: 14
Can you keep her happy without spending money?
Posted: 2/8/2009 7:38:49 AM

Nope.


My uncle told me this at the tender age of 25:

"B, you aint a man if if you can't take care of a woman. If I ever find out you got a girl taking care of you, I'm going to personally beat your ass."

It is very simple: We are supposed to be men. now a days the roles have reversed, not because of womens liberation, but because men are broke, lazy spineless trolls who would rather talk than do. If you are finding finances hard, then FIX IT. If it takes time then it takes time.

Put your "search" on hold and fix your shi*t then come back to it.
The quality of girl you find will upgrade.


FINALLY! a real man and too young for me.......darn it! This young man has been raised right and it shows. You are the finest treasure on this website and I wish more men would follow your example. I would follow you anywhere and go out and make a million on my own and give it all to you. If I were your age, I would give you the world, be loyal to you, dote on you, adore you and take such good care of our home and children that people at work and on the street would stop you and say, "Hey, man, I want your secret."
 Zephyr2553
Joined: 12/28/2008
Msg: 15
Can you keep her happy without spending money?
Posted: 2/8/2009 8:25:25 AM

If free or cheap doesn't satisfy her, she's a gold digger. Your mortgage should come first. If you lose your house she'll definitely be gone


Barbee, I'm sorry, I don't agree with you. Its true, there are many free or cheap things to do and those things are enjoyable and most are memory making experiences to be cherished.

But, money is one of the major issues that either makes or breaks a relationship right there next to communication. This guy needs to sell his house and find a cheaper one or like he said above, he's done some creative financing to make it more affordable.

However, raw poverty isn't fun. Counting daisies gets extremely boring after a while and too much sex gets old, after you're had your fiftieth discourse in political platforms and the economy, it would be nice to go on a cruise or out to dinner at a nice restaurant, to a concert or an art museum.

If a man can't afford these things once in a while, he shouldn't be dating. Its his attitude that I look for first. If his attitude is that he would offer me the world, then I would rope the moon and stars for him. IF he expects me to carry my half or treat him because he has made unwise financial choices and can't even take care of himself, then I'd rather save my money and take myself out for a more stimulating evening with a winner.

Sorry, a bottle of Ripple and a mountainside will get you ulcers, ticks, a bad hangover and possibly Lyme disease....just my opinion
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 16
Can you keep her happy without spending money?
Posted: 2/8/2009 8:53:19 AM
^^^Not exactly - it's just odd that someone who's having trouble with finances would even be concerned with dating. It's not a priority. Or at least that's how I see it - male OR female.

First, would you agree (and I hope you do) with this statement in a reverse gender role? In other words, should women "stay by themsleves" until they are financially stable enough to search for a man?

Yes, men AND women should stay single until they resolve major issues in their lives, period. Divorce, death, financial trouble, anything that IMO is more important than whether or not they get laid consistently, or whether or not they sit home on a Saturday night. Are the weekend police going to come and write you a ticket if they catch you home? lol

Second (and this one really bites my a$$), I would never, never, never consider a "woman/relationship/marriage" a "luxury!!!!!" To me, that implies she would be a purchase, above and beyond a normal expense.

If it's not needed to survive in this economy especially, dating/relationships ARE a luxury. Those of us who are dealing with major chages need to get our $hit together before we go out looking for dates. It's not totally unimportant, but it IS less important than surviving.

That has nothing to do with spending money on dates or on someone else, it has everything to do with being in the right mindset to date someone else. When you are financially secure (for yourself) you are just a happier more healthy person.
 Bob_49
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 17
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Can you keep her happy without spending money?
Posted: 2/8/2009 8:57:08 AM
Ok to all the woman who says they need a guy with money. If the guy was nice, knows himself and is confident he didn't leave his x stranded. He probably walked away from everything know it will come again. I did it two times already. If the woman waited until my row boat turned into a yacht then they could only see it from the shore.

Guess what the first mate on that yacht was the one that set it assail. Its with the support of a woman (first mate) that men do best not the ignorance of the gold digging bombshell sunbathing on the deck. If you can't handle the ride I don't want you on my ship. Stay ashore and we will write postcards from the islands. You may still be on POF asking where all the good guys are.

No man or woman has to wait for his life. Its not all about money, its about living, laughing, and hopefully loving. Discover the guy and you might be surprised.

One more thing. I had a friend in Pennsylvania through a singles group. He dressed down and stated he was a tug boat captain. He would be very frugal on his first few dates. He wanted to get to know the woman first. One of the nicest guys I ever met. He was looking for a wife. Most of the woman dumped him after about 3 to 4 inexpensive dates. Some lasted but did not take him seriously. He would never lie but never talk about his true wealth. He had a plan. After 3 months he would let a woman know his wealth by flying her on a plane, his jet to Paris. He was a tugboat captain because that was his first good job. He also owned a fleet of large cargo ships. It was interesting the comments I overheard at the singles dances how he was cheap, refused to spend money. After the singles dance if he did not meet someone he might go to Michaels and buy drinks for all the his friends, always very generous. He just wanted to meet a true woman.

Open your eyes. A guy that has money will never let you know he does have it unless he's looking to buy a play toy.

Live, laugh, love. Life is good.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 18
Can you keep her happy without spending money?
Posted: 2/8/2009 9:36:32 AM

djchickie, I'm not saying if someone is about to get thrown out on the street and barely making it shouldn't get things worked out first before he looks for dates. My problem was with the way the direction this was going and turning into "Unless your able to buy me expensive things" then you don't deserve to have anyone in your life because women are somehow entitled to it.

Then we agree. Fair enough.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 19
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Can you keep her happy without spending money?
Posted: 2/8/2009 9:48:37 AM
You have to find a woman, who will be happy with you not with the money you spend for her. Having a relationship with a "fragile woman" is expensive emotionally and financially,as you said she is not satisfied with you with out going out and doing things free and cheap.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 20
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Can you keep her happy without spending money?
Posted: 2/8/2009 10:12:42 AM
,,,,,,Only women that want a man that's broke all the time are the ones that can't get anyone else ?????? Really ??? As a woman when I paid all my bills I am broke I have very little money to spend *for treating others big time* so I understand the situation of a man and his obligations. There are inexpensive dates like picnic in the park, etc.. And I don't care if the man can't take me to concerts,shows,can't buy me jewelries,roses,chocolate as long as he is very kind and has dignity in him. Once I heard from a nieghbor that the guy in our alley has no job, I gave him some vegetables from my garden and some cook food and in returned he gave me a bunch of wild flowers put in a jar. I was very touched.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 21
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Can you keep her happy without spending money?
Posted: 2/8/2009 11:32:00 AM
OP, it sounds like you got caught up in the crunch but do have a plan and will come out on top. Seems your real problem was picking a freakshow and not moving her out soon enough. Relationships are about two people with a common goal working together, not one provider and one needy/fragile/taker, better luck next girlfriend.
 LovelyLady1315
Joined: 12/8/2008
Msg: 22
Can you keep her happy without spending money?
Posted: 2/8/2009 2:44:11 PM
She isn't fragile. She is taking advantage of you. There is nothing wrong with taking walks, going to the park, playing board games and cards, and talking to keep a good woman happy.
 Zephyr2553
Joined: 12/28/2008
Msg: 23
Can you keep her happy without spending money?
Posted: 2/8/2009 10:18:21 PM
Nobody "gets" it. For a woman to join forces with a man so many things have to be considered.

Many of you seem to be seeing it in black and white. What I'm saying is, if a man is raised right, he knows it is HIS responsibility to provide for his family. That's just the way it is.

Having said that, it doesn't mean that the wife or sig stays home popping bonbons and watching soaps all day while he slaves away. What that means is that she respects him SO much because of his attitude toward her and his respect of the "plan", that she contributes all that she is and TRUST ME, most women add a lot.

She take all that she is and all the talents she has been bestowed with and pools them with that wonderful male who is the alpha male of the pride. She respects him, she is his 1st mate, she is the love of his life and together they form a formidable team that works together for the betterment of their lives.

So, you want to be an independent female? You want to be an island unto yourself? Go ahead, let me know how that works for you...........

And YOU KNOW exactly what I'm talking about......who needs a woos??
 Okietokie88
Joined: 12/8/2008
Msg: 24
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After reading I think I have my thoughts together
Posted: 2/8/2009 11:50:53 PM
I think that to woo a woman one must have an appropriate amount of funds to do said wooing and to also take care of himself and his contractual,personal,and financial obligations.I understand that it can seem "possible" at times but in retrospect it isn't.Striving to get out of the hole can be taxing both physically and emotionally but it is a journey one must do alone before you can think about being with anyone else....In a relationship fashion that is;now the other hand.It is PLAUSIBLE to have someone in which you kinda do the dating thing with but those types of people are few and far between,especially at your age.It's a harsh reality but true none the less;then you have to destroy the equation when it comes to virgins.I know this sounds one sided but I've never really met a virgin who wasn't self absorbed (myself included)...blanket statement and there are always exceptions to the rule but in this case it's pretty accurate.

Good luck man,I know it's hard but it looks like your going to have to hunker down and settle on a woman to be your mate and keep it at that for the time being.I wish you the best and I hope you take allot of these response with a grain of salt...it's funny, you can see how allot of men are saying what they think'll get their profiles read that much more by attacking your character and "Manhood".Hmm sad state of affairs and at the end of the day most of us are here to find someone so.....

Cheers and good night and good luck

OkieTokie88
 Zephyr2553
Joined: 12/28/2008
Msg: 25
Can you keep her happy without spending money?
Posted: 2/9/2009 7:51:53 AM
Didn't say I wasn't independent and successful. I own my own home, have a great job with great benefits, own outright my own car, have property in FL near the beach, have money in the bank and have successfully raised a family. I'm blessed.

I don't NEED a man for his money, or his car or his ego......

I'm simply stating that a man should assume the position and take the reigns. It may be my opinion and some of you guys obviously take exception to it, but , OH WELL...

My companion will be a generous man with a generous heart, not a selfish SOB with a "what's in it for me" attitude. I'm so glad I'm getting the opportunity to see some of you as you really are. It narrows the field.

I'm still going to school, still learning, still improving my viability, still accepting challenges and moving foward. The last thing I need is a frickin ball and chain who is so self absorbed that he makes a golddigger look like Mother Teresa!
 arcticdude
Joined: 10/4/2008
Msg: 26
Can you keep her happy without spending money?
Posted: 2/10/2009 6:14:35 AM
Money, health, whatever...if they are not 'into' you enough to weather the rough patches then that just means there isn't enough 'chemistry' to hold the 'relationship' together. Look upon 'hard times' as good times to find a mate...If they still like you at your lows, think how nice and solid things will be at your highs!
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