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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > How do you get an ex to leave you alone???      Home login  
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 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 1
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How do you get an ex to leave you alone???Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I have a friend and I don't know what to tell her - she has an ex that she was going with for a long time, a very serious relationship. However, they had issues (which precluded her from moving in together, etc.), and eventually she found out that he was cheating. Since that breakup, intermittently, he has popped back up into her life. He tried the "let's be friends" route - which reluctantly she gave a go (more because he wore her down with his persistance). That didn't work. He came back around with flowers, writing her songs and books, trying things she wanted to try - and sounding very much a "reformed man". That didn't work out either. Every time he shows back up, whether he's just "friends" or wanting more - it ends up with him getting angry at her for calling him on his crappy behavior, and having a hissy fit. That is usually followed for the next month or two by random texts/IMs/emails calling her foul names, etc.

He does these things, and knows what to say and do to push her emotional buttons. Every time he doesn't give up until she talks to him. I keep saying ignore him! If he shows up at your house and bangs on the door - call the police (she says she doesn't want to do that because he's the type to "retaliate"). Now he's coming on line and contacting her through all kinds of sites.

Any ideas? I told her to ignore him, and told her if he shows up to not answer the door...she says the more she does that, the more he intensifies...
 cfb62
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 2
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How do you get an ex to leave you alone???
Posted: 2/12/2009 7:17:32 AM
She needs to avoid him, ignore him, not take his calls, don't respond to emails...
It's not fair but she's going to have to go out of her way to get this to stop.
If he shows up at her door, she needs to tell him to leave or she's going to call the police. She has to follow through on that.
Are you sure she doesn't kind of like the drama?
It sounds like she might like it a little.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 3
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How do you get an ex to leave you alone???
Posted: 2/12/2009 7:46:11 AM
She needs to document, save and keep every time and way he contacts her then go to the police to file a report and/or charges against him. If he retaliates, she can press more charges. She also needs to look into her best options to protect herself. His behavior is not normal or sane, and if she doesn't do something it could escalate. It sounds as if he is emotionally/psychologically abusive and manipulative.

At the very least he is harrassing her, though it sounds like he is crossing the line into stalking.

She needs to be proactive in protecting herself. If he is escalating things already it will only get worse w/out police intervention.

Good luck to you and her.
 Wombat59
Joined: 9/3/2008
Msg: 4
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How do you get an ex to leave you alone???
Posted: 2/12/2009 7:54:23 AM
yeah - this could possibly escalate into violence - she needs to stop him now before its too late!
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 5
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How do you get an ex to leave you alone???
Posted: 2/12/2009 11:46:38 AM

he wore her down with his persistance


He came back around with .........sounding very much a "reformed man".


it ends up with him getting angry at her for calling him on his crappy behavior, and having a hissy fit.


he's the type to "retaliate"


she says the more she does that, the more he intensifies...


OP these are some classic signs of an abuser in a relationship. Abusive relationships rarely start off w/ physical violence. First they like to soften up their "prey" by ruining their self-esteem, and their mindsets. Sounds like he may have been emotionally and mentally abusive before this( why he thought it was ok to cheat also). He knows how to manipulate her from your statements. The brief periods of time when they first get back together and things are good are called "honey moon periods". Most abusers go thru them. If he has been mentally and emotionally abusing her it may appear she likes the attention. He has brainwashed her into thinking this behavior is normal and acceptable.

Your friends best bet is to seek police intervention to keep him away from her. Then she may want to seek counseling to help her overcome what she has been thru.
 ~rain~
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 6
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How do you get an ex to leave you alone???
Posted: 2/12/2009 11:49:37 AM
a new HUGE boyfriend will probably work!

He can answer the door when the ex comes over!
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 7
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How do you get an ex to leave you alone???
Posted: 2/13/2009 1:23:46 AM
Oh my God. Another one of those. It took me over 2 years to get a guy to leave me alone. Lying, cheating, abusing thief that he was. SEnding me things in the mail, emailing me, I blocked him, he just changed his email address and sent to me again. Dropping in, unannounced under the ruse of wanting to make sure I was alright, and wanting to be my friend. Even sending people over to tell me how much he loved me, or having strangers call me. He was just looking for FWB. Total Narcissist. Dont respond to someone like this. Dont answer anything, or even read it. I finally called him and said I was going to file harrassment charges if he didnt quit. I think after 2 years he realized I wasnt going to forgive him and take him back.
If she is fearful of a retaliation, she needs to speak with an attorney. Sometimes, all an attorney has to do is call the guy, and he will quit, other times a police car parked in front of her house will to the trick. But whatever, she needs to stop all contact with him.
 FastReb
Joined: 1/3/2009
Msg: 8
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How do you get an ex to leave you alone???
Posted: 2/14/2009 12:09:22 PM
First, every state has gotten real serious about domestic violence. Each state also has their own definitions concerning what DV is. In my state, if you've ever been married, related by blood or marriage, or have kids together, you and the other person will always be considered to be in a DV situation. Now, if you live together as a married couple would or have had sex with the other person within the last six months, then you would also fall into the DV catagory. This classification would definitely enhance whatever punishment the other person would get, if convicted of a crime against your friend. However, as you can see by the above definitions in my state, if your friend doesn't call the police and report this behavior, your friend might lose some of the protections of the law because of the time factor from when they were in a relationship to now.

When the guy calls and texts in any way after your friend tells him she wants no further contact will usually fall into the catagory of harrassment, at the very least. Some states might even classify it as stalking. No matter what the classification would be, your friend should always call the police and have a report taken when it occurs. She should check what the law is about recording phone conversations, and if it's legal for her to do so, she should record his calls. Have her print out any e-mails or text he sends, if she can. Your friend should keep a journal listing all contacts he sends her, be they by phone, e-mail or text. In it, she should list the date, time and what was said. This is extremely useful to prosecutors in showing stalking.

Your friend should simultaneously seek to get a "restraining order," "order of protection" or "no contact" order. It is called different things in different jurisdictions. Most of these will, at the very least, order the man to have no contact of any type, even through third parties, with your friend. A conviction for violating one of these can, in most cases, get the man jailed.

Lastly, since you say that your friend has stated that this guy is the type to retaliate, your friend should take some precautions. She should vary the times and routes she leaves/returns to the house, especially for work. If it is legal where you live, she should get the strongest pepper spray she can find and keep it with her at all times. I recommend a brand called Fox 5.3. It is the strongest offered on the market, by far. Even most police departments won't issue it because of their worry over liability, should it blister a suspect's face. She should stay alert to what is going on around her when she is out of the house (i.e., out shopping, at work, out with friends). Again, if it's legal in your state, AND your friend considers all the ramifications, AND your friend doesn't have a knee-jerk reaction to them, she should check into obtaining the training and acquiring a firearm for even better protection.

It goes without saying, I think, that your friend needs to be willing to prosecute this man to the fullest extent of the law. It has been my experience that most of these types of men continue to do these things only when they have intimidated the women into not calling the police or prosecuting them. Most have ceased their actions when they found out the woman would prosecute each and every time he pulled one of his stunts.

Hope this helps.
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 9
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How do you get an ex to leave you alone???
Posted: 2/17/2009 9:57:45 PM
Man, just because some guy keeps coming back, doesnt mean the girl likes the drama. I got an email today from an ex (boyfriend, harasser,) . it took me over 2 years to get that jerk out of my life, and here he is again. Another email, which I will not answer or acknowlege in any way. Will he do it again, even after 2 years? Yes!!!! Because my only solution to the problem is to hire that attorney, press charges, go to court and deal with it publicly. Who has a couple thousand bucks for an attorney laying around? All I can do is keep track of everything, and try not to dwell on it. And continue to keep him out of my life.
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 10
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How do you get an ex to leave you alone???
Posted: 2/17/2009 10:00:24 PM
Oh, just a question. When you block someone, how long does it last?. Cause I blocked the above jerk, at his current address, on Feb 15, 2008. He changed his email address from his previous, which I also had blocked.
 originalNw
Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 11
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How do you get an ex to leave you alone???
Posted: 2/17/2009 11:29:19 PM
tHESE ACTIONS FROM YOUR FRIEND'S EX IS NOTHING SHORT OF CRIMINAL BEHAVIOR. HAVE HER GO TO THE POLICE AND MAKE OUT A RESTRAINING ORDER.THAT WILL GIVE THE POLICE THE KNOWLEDGE THAT SOMETHING IS "VERY WRONG" WITH THIS ADBUSIVE RELATIONSHIP! MOST RESTRAINING ORDERS HAVE A " NO CONTACT ORDER". THIS ALSO MEANS SHE CAN NOT TAKE/RECEIVE ANY PHONE CALLS /TEX MESSAGES,EVEN THRU A SECOND PERSON OR THIRD. PLUS SHE MUST STAY AWAY FROM HIM TOTALLY. IF SHE REALLY WANTS TO END THIS ADBUSE ,SHE MUST STAND UP AND TAKE NOTICE. ANY ACTION ON HIS PART WILL PLACE HIM IN FRONT OF A JUDGE THAT ISN'T GOING TO BE SWAYED BY BULL---T OR BY HIS FRIENDS STEPPING UP FOR HIM IN COURT. THE LEGAL SYSTEM IS SLOW,BUT IT DOES WORK,TAKING THE PROPER STEPS TO PROTECT YOUR FRIEND. ANY OFFICER IN ANY STATE IM A POLICE STATION CAN HELP YOUR FRIEND FILL OUT THE PAPERS CORRECTLY. TELL HER TO "GO AND DO IT", IT WILL BETTER FOR THE BOTH OF YOU.
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