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 AUTHOR
 MegKelso
Joined: 4/21/2005
Msg: 1
The Fart to End all Farts!!!!!!Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
My dog just farted...

... Jeez, I hate that. I thought that all the nasty farting left with Vex. Oh well, at least I KNOW the dog doesn’t have enough sense to go into the restroom for such things. There has always been a farting man in my life. When I was a little girl, my grandfather, a very successful businessman, would read the paper in his recliner at night and literally lift his leg and fart with no shame or “Excuse Me.” Of course, when I got a little older, my brothers got a thrill out of farting. I left home and got married so I immediately had a farter of my own. Then, without missing a beat, I married again and had another farter. I swear to God, I had him convinced that woman just don’t fart. Next, I was single for a few years but I was working as a nurse so I saw a lot of stuff much worse than farts. Then, I met the fartmaster. (My spellchecker REALLY didn’t like that one.) When my oldest son attained a certain age, he developed a facsination with farting that he pretty much still has. He laughs so hard at his own farts, but you can truly annoy him by farting back at him.

When he and Vex where both living with me, it was one great big fart-a-rama. A few years ago, I was in New York and I had this great beef sandwich with peppers...three kinds. I went into the restroom and noticed what a hideous bouquet that sandwich had summoned. I smiled. I began developing my stratagem.

It was so marvelously brilliant and the timing couldn’t have been better. They were both in the living room watching television. I went back into the living room and sat down as though all was right with the world. Serenely secure in my evil scheme, I withheld the pressure that was my vengeance for the years of anguish to which I had been subjected by the fartmaster and his little partner in crime. I smiled cunningly as I remembered the silence that preceeded the appalling stench. I knew that there would be no forewarning for my victims. I waited until just the right moment and unleashed what was the most foul, repugnant, revolting “silent but deadly” that I had ever had the misfortune of suffering. And then I sat back and watched the consequences of my reprisal ensue. It was breathtaking...literally.

When the effects of my opus first touched their noses, they immediately glanced, accusedly at each other. Then, they inhaled again. Oh, it was magnificent. I laughed so hard that I instantaneously gave myself away. They both actually got up off of their chairs. The looks on their faces were identical and said the same thing, “How can I leave the presence of this gruesome entity?” Their eyes went back and forth as though they were looking for an exit. You would have thought that they were a couple of mice in the presence of a lion. Such a sense of contentment, I have never felt. I assure you, that one fart made up for the years of olfactory assaults that these two yahoos had released upon me.

I have tried, in vain, to duplicate it but haven’t found the proper combination of weapons with which to do so.OK, enough fart talk, the dog just farted again. I guess I asked for that one.
 The Best Catch
Joined: 8/19/2008
Msg: 2
The Fart to End all Farts!!!!!!
Posted: 5/12/2009 3:13:10 PM
http://www.xepisodes.com/episodes/1304/Eat-Pray-Queef.html
This pretty much sums it up!
 itsmillertime6227
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 3
The Fart to End all Farts!!!!!!
Posted: 6/13/2009 3:22:31 AM
Dog farts are the worst. Whenever my dog would fart we would have to actually leave the house it was so bad. But I sure do miss him.
 thorn~4~lyfe
Joined: 7/2/2009
Msg: 4
The Fart to End all Farts!!!!!!
Posted: 9/21/2009 11:52:51 AM
hun, i used to live in a house with 6 males: my dad, my older brother and 4 dogs. omg! u want to talk about nasty farts. it was sad. in the winter time, we would all sleep in the leaving room since my house didn't have actually heating (it was heated by a fireplace). the door to the kitchen would be covered to keep the cold air out. my dad would be on the couch, my brother on the love seat. the pitbull and miniture mutt would be sharing the chair. i would be asleep on the floor with the chowchow and the basset hound. I don't know how the hell they managed to do this but they would all fart at once. It was so bad that I got my blanket and pillow and slept in the cold ass kitchen. it seeped through the blanket. I have never been so sick in my life. males have no class at all
 thorn~4~lyfe
Joined: 7/2/2009
Msg: 5
The Fart to End all Farts!!!!!!
Posted: 9/21/2009 2:11:26 PM
it would have blown my house apart
 True Blue Wing
Joined: 12/27/2008
Msg: 6
The Fart to End all Farts!!!!!!
Posted: 9/21/2009 7:32:27 PM
I have been told on many occasions that women don't fart. I have come to a conclusion. Women don't fart they don't burp. That must be why they bi%ch otherwise they would explode.
 in tents
Joined: 7/12/2009
Msg: 7
The Fart to End all Farts!!!!!!
Posted: 9/22/2009 10:15:44 AM
hey honey try beer and pickled eggs
 Motherofthebride
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 8
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History
The Fart to End all Farts!!!!!!
Posted: 9/22/2009 10:15:41 PM
Yes women fart! In fact I do every morning, like clockwork, same thing every day, and it makes me laugh.I respond to my fart with, oh you're so sexy how could you possibly be single!

Thank you for sharing your funny story...makes me miss my son and my dog.
 lucky1809
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 9
The Fart to End all Farts!!!!!!
Posted: 9/22/2009 10:55:39 PM
Let me tell you. I have a chow/pitt mix named Kitty. She's a medium sized dog that would clear a room in less than 10 seconds. My ex-husband and her would get under the blanket at night and have fart wars. I kid you not. It sometimes got so bad, it would bring tears to your eyes. There were plenty of nights I didn't get much sleep because of them. lol.
 jeepwmn
Joined: 8/14/2009
Msg: 10
The Fart to End all Farts!!!!!!
Posted: 11/28/2009 5:36:33 PM
How about when you're at the bathroom at work, and you hear someone run in, slam the stall door next to yours, let a big, long loud BRRAAAPPPP!!, and she says, "Man, that was some BAD coffee!", and then sigh with relief. I have to say that was one of the funniest things I've ever heard. That and the time two co-workers came in while I was there. . one of them said, (who was in her stall) "Did you hear so and so got a promotion?", and then BRRAAAPPPP!! You could hear her co-worker saying "Uh huh." and trying to hold her laughter in. .
 Polar777
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 11
The Fart to End all Farts!!!!!!
Posted: 11/28/2009 11:51:10 PM
Love your story, hon.
Femme farts are peobably worst of all because the pubic region tends to be perfumy, and the smell just doesn't mix well with fart stench. It's like someone shit potpurri or something.

The ex and I ate at a chinese restaurant and then went to the mall, where I had explosive farts, she was crying when we left.
Guess that's why she is my ex now. So I plan to find someone on POF who does like farts.
 Listen2hear
Joined: 5/29/2008
Msg: 12
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History
The Fart to End all Farts!!!!!!
Posted: 12/2/2009 8:49:32 AM
I once dated a girl whose farts could end a marriage. I am sure glad I didn't marry her.
 carpetman
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 13
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History
The Fart to End all Farts!!!!!!
Posted: 12/2/2009 9:50:21 AM
One time back in the early 90s, I was at my doctors office for gas pains. And there was just two of us sitting in the waiting room, Me and another lady. She was two chairs down from me, And all of a sudden I got a bad cramp and let a long silent fart and within seconds it fumigated the room, The lady looked over at me with the dirtiest look that I have ever seen and moved to the other side of the room. Meanwhile Im sitting there with a magazine to my face laughing and crying at the sametime. When it was my turn for my visit the doc said that the lady ****ed about my farting and he was laughing his ass off telling me about it!!!
 Profile-Writer
Joined: 11/13/2009
Msg: 14
The Fart to End all Farts!!!!!!
Posted: 3/6/2010 9:13:47 AM
My friend says his farts are so bad that he can smell them .... when he's going 50 mph.... on is motorcycle.
 12 Volt Man
Joined: 1/1/2010
Msg: 15
The Fart to End all Farts!!!!!!
Posted: 3/6/2010 3:32:38 PM
in my area you can lose demerit points for that!
 theseus82
Joined: 2/10/2009
Msg: 16
The Fart to End all Farts!!!!!!
Posted: 3/6/2010 9:35:48 PM
Farts smell so that deaf people can enjoy them, too.
 Profile-Writer
Joined: 11/13/2009
Msg: 17
The Fart to End all Farts!!!!!!
Posted: 3/7/2010 5:16:36 PM
A fart can occur
In a number of places
And leave everyone
With strange looks on their faces
 pearlj
Joined: 3/1/2007
Msg: 18
The Fart to End all Farts!!!!!!
Posted: 3/8/2010 11:54:38 PM
Stop lying, you know it was you lmao!
Charity
 lawrence1959
Joined: 3/6/2010
Msg: 19
The Fart to End all Farts!!!!!!
Posted: 3/16/2010 9:54:07 PM
thats toooooo funny and true lmao
 jpwrnglrwmn
Joined: 10/21/2013
Msg: 20
The Fart to End all Farts!!!!!!
Posted: 2/9/2014 8:54:11 PM
Msg 9 said it best. . farts also make me laugh, even if I do it! And yep, I'm also like clockwork, too. It must be all those raw and steamed veggies and garlic. :D Probably too much info. . oh well.
 SILLYGIRL111
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 21
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History
The Fart to End all Farts!!!!!!
Posted: 2/13/2014 4:37:33 PM
I had the loudest farts so bad every few seconds one came out to beat the band. Thank the good lord my ex boyfriend was fast asleep he would of needed a gas mask or plugs in his ears LOL. I was letting it rip while he was asleep LOL. It smelled worse then rotten eggs LOL. And the dog was farting all so. because of the food that I was eating that I had given him LOL. I was laughing so hard I was crying I had to put the pillow over my face to not wake up my ex boyfriend. I just love this post keep it coming. LOL.
 jpwrnglrwmn
Joined: 10/21/2013
Msg: 22
The Fart to End all Farts!!!!!!
Posted: 2/22/2014 10:14:35 PM
I had to revisit this thread. .needed a laugh today, thanks! :D Even in all the relationships I've been in, I've never been comfortable enough to fart in front of them. . I think I just held it till I got to the bathroom, and tried to let it slowly out, so there wouldn't be a sound. And I sprayed air freshener liberally afterwards!! I worked with someone in the military awhile back who would fart at work, and then spray air freshener afterwards. Well, at least he was considerate enough to do that. :D I think I found it even funnier because he was a really attractive guy, so hilarious, too. Not saying attractive people don't fart, it just made it funnier, though.
 Archiver
Joined: 3/10/2013
Msg: 23
The Fart to End all Farts!!!!!!
Posted: 2/24/2014 6:13:24 PM
The worst part of getting old is the farting in the morning. Between getting out of bed and reaching the loo, I poot half a dozen times. Oh, the shame!
 dwmitch
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 24
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The Fart to End all Farts!!!!!!
Posted: 3/21/2014 10:38:08 AM
Around my house flatulence was, and still is, perfectly acceptable. I was always taught not to do it when we had company over but otherwise it was just as natural as breathing. Preference was given to the bathroom but with five people (though cut down to four when I was pretty young) living in a house with one bathroom we abandoned that notion pretty fast, though the company rule remained in place unless the company in question was one of my brothers without their wife and daughter along.

I remember once when I was about 11 or 12 I excused myself from the dinner table, went to my room, and sat down to play with my Ninja Turtles. I figured since I was on carpet it would act as a silencer, so I let one go. The floor actually amplified it, and I must have been on a floor joist because it caused the entire floor to vibrate. They were able to feel it in their feet on the other side of the house.

I could hear them in the kitchen. My brother just started laughing. My mom said "Gah! It sounded like he was still at the table." My dad just said "Did the New Madrid go off?"
 jpwrnglrwmn
Joined: 10/21/2013
Msg: 25
The Fart to End all Farts!!!!!!
Posted: 3/22/2014 4:04:15 PM
[I figured since I was on carpet it would act as a silencer, so I let one go. The floor actually amplified it, and I must have been on a floor joist because it caused the entire floor to vibrate. They were able to feel it in their feet on the other side of the house.]
Almost spit out the almonds I was eating now, that was pretty hilarious! :D It so reminded me of the times growing up,when my Dad would be watching tv and let 'em rip and echo through the floor. Even though, he was 49 or early 50's at the time, he'd have this look on his face like he knew he shouldn't laugh, and was trying not to. So true about the carpet amplifying sound! :D
Also, usually, brothers are the ones who would say something like "I have something to tell you. . ." and then fart. Well, that was me. I was about 13 or 14 at the time, and would walk in my younger brother's room, say, "I have to tell you something. .", fart, and laugh. He'd be the one rolling his eyes and telling me to grow up. :D
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