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 Landra
Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 2
He's in Iraq .. Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I don't know. How about lying?
Tell him you respect how he feels and have since realized that your man-mates weren't worth upsetting him so much. Tell him you want his love and trust and no other men are worth losing him over, especially when he's honorably serving in Iraq. Tell him you've decided man-mates probably aren't such a good idea, since, let's be honest, you might get lonely, and you'll only hang out with your family and girl friends.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 21
He's in Iraq ..
Posted: 3/1/2009 7:50:26 PM
You have to understand that it's a very difficult situation. Either he's coming back for good pretty soon, or it's pretty much doomed like most LD relationships. Basically, you're 19 -- don't take any of those situations very seriously. Sure, if you were 25, having dated for a couple years or so in a -great- relationship, and he had to go for 6 months or maybe even a year... that could be done without too much of a threat.

Just tell him that you'll begin to befriend and hang out with girls more than guys... you won't cut off your male friendships, but you'll heed hanging out "with the boys" too frequently, and re-assure him that you have no temptation to fight off or anything.

But... you are human, you're getting situated in the adult life, and you're in a very tough position. People's feelings change. Honestly, I'd keep a relationship casual at that age when it comes to something like that. If he's out there for a long time and has quick one-in-a-great-while visits -- it will fold. He has real reason to worry -- but he shouldn't put it all on you or anything. Just try to make the most of it at this point in your understanding years...
 Zephyr2553
Joined: 12/28/2008
Msg: 23
He's in Iraq ..
Posted: 3/1/2009 9:27:02 PM
This thread is just another example of human flotsum. The poor guy is in mortal danger and he can't trust his "girl" to be true to him until he returns? I say he needs a new "girl" who is mature and gives a sh!t enough to leave the male "friends" behind and reassure him each and every day that he has something to live for.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 24
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History
He's in Iraq ..
Posted: 3/1/2009 10:19:23 PM
Tell him he's being disrespectful, just what is he saying about you, that he thinks you are slutty? Seriously, there is no reason for a man to talk to you like you are some easy cheap piece of ass just waiting for him to leave so you can get with a bunch of guys. Do not let men talk to you like that, don't date men who treat women that way, it's wrong, you do not have to put up with it and you need to tell him so in no uncertain terms. If he continues,then why would you want to be his girlfriend? Being deployed is not an excuse for being an arsehole or treating you badly.
 phule
Joined: 4/8/2004
Msg: 33
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He's in Iraq ..
Posted: 3/2/2009 7:11:35 AM
OP.

This is actually very simple. He does not trust you. Moreover, he does not *want* to trust you. How can I say such a horrible, cruel thing? You said it first.

How can you make him into a different person, you ask... well, you think you only asked "how to get him to trust me" but that is really asking "How do I alter his personality to make him a different person?". Because you don't see it as such, you will continue to fail in this department.

Question. Why would you ever get involved with, or fall in love with, someone who does not trust you? How stupid is that?

The reason he does not trust you, is because he knows that he would do to you, what he thinks you are doing to him if the situation is reversed. You can deny that one if you want, but it is the truth.

So how does it feel knowing that nothing you say or do makes a difference? How does it feel knowing that he is not involved with you... he is only involved with an image of you in his head... and apparently an image that has little to do with reality.

Simple. Tell him to trust you and STFU, or it's over now before he ever gets back. Tell him his choices are limited. He can either trust you and stop making you feel guilty for doing things you have not done, or he can say goodbye to you before he gets back. This is your only chance to get him to back off. He will either stop making false accusations, or you will have to break it off with him... since he refuses to accept reality, and he refuses to actually love you. I mean, come on. How can he love YOU, when he doesn't even know you? If he knew you, he would trust you.
 BlahGrim
Joined: 1/29/2004
Msg: 35
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He's in Iraq ..
Posted: 3/2/2009 8:13:25 AM
He's an immature soldier in a hostile environment that alters his frame of mind. He is surrounded by guys who have been cheated on in the past or are currently being cheated on and know it. They will constantly be ****ing about it & remarking on it if they have any reasonable amount of downtime. If you have been having sex regularly the lack of it is something that is constantly on his mind. Even if you weren't friends and hanging out with guys he would be worried.

Can you honestly say to yourself that you wouldn't be worried and insecure in the same situation?

For those of you bashing him...we only have what she has said...and you people have no bloody clue how many soldiers get cheated on while they are deployed. He isn't treating her like a slut, he is looking at her as one of the statistical majority.
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 38
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He's in Iraq ..
Posted: 3/2/2009 9:53:25 AM
Browny, this isnt about you, this is about him. Unless you have done something in the past to warrant this type of treatment, he is acting extremely childish and treating you terribly. My husband is military and has been in war zones all over the world and he never once called home and demanded that I change anything because one of his buddies got a letter from home. If he is feeling insecure then that is his issue to deal with not you. So dont go dropping your male friends just to make him happy, whats next, he gets to decide what clothes you get to wear when he away? Then is he going to start telling you when you have to be at home in bed or he is going to start accusing you of something else?

This whole crap about him serving his country gets him some special treatment is ridiculous. Unless you are not telling the truth and I think you are being honest, his being in Iraq is no excuse for his jealous, possessive and controlling behaviour. Dont feel that because he is over there, you cant cut this moron loose.
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 48
He's in Iraq ..
Posted: 3/2/2009 10:22:03 AM
edited:


I don't know. How about lying?


I can't imagine lying will improve the trust in their relationship in any way. When he gets back, it's bound to slip somehow, sometime that she's spent time with her guy friends, and then how is her partner going to think and feel. Absolutely, not acceptable.


...So what's that all about??? Have you not already found this man who is fighting for your country?
WHO in their right mind would tell a guy who is homesick, missing her etc that she has made a lot of male friendships since he has been away? OR The fact that she has maintained friendships with guys whilst he is away.?


Are you people out of your minds? His being in the military does NOT mean that he's the right person for the OP, there are a lot of factors in love and compatibility that are not defined by either person's career but their personalities and values. In fact, it doesn't even mean that he is a good person--there are good and bad people operating in EVERY career from military, police, emergency services to nurses, waitresses, couriers, etc.

People's lives do not stop because their partner has gone overseas. We are still all required to go to work, look after children and pets, be a friend to our friends regardless of their gender. There's a big difference between going for a drink with a male friend (or group of friends, some of whom are male) and having an affair. It's not the OP's fault that other people's partners are cheating--it's the cheaters' fault only. It's ridiculous that the OP is getting the advice to end friendships because her partner is feeling insecure.

I feel a better option is to inform him that nothing has changed. These people are your friends, he is your lover and you can't wait for him to come home. Indicate that it hurts you that he's comparing you and your relationship with him to the women who aren't behaving very nicely. Be loving and supportive but firm.

Nutt
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 51
He's in Iraq ..
Posted: 3/2/2009 10:35:33 AM
ohio are you saying that all the men friends you have now, you would discontinue being friends with? What kind of friend does that make you? If you can't be loyal to all the people who are important to you, why would your potential partner expect you to be loyal to him? As I said, it's one thing to pick up men and/or invite men to your home for private visits and quite reasonable to be out in public with a male friend you've known the whole time.

Very strange ideals.

Nutt
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 57
He's in Iraq ..
Posted: 3/2/2009 10:51:23 AM
good choice bronwyn. At the end of the day, allowing your partner's insecurities to manipulate both of you will not do him any favours. He's just going to have to work through them, come home and be validated that you are trustworthy.

Nutt
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 66
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He's in Iraq ..
Posted: 3/2/2009 11:43:21 AM

What I would suggest is that you introduce him to your friends so that he can start to get to know them as well. If they are good friends of yours, then they would surely be willing to and want to get to know him too. Then gradually, as you grow closer and learn to trust eachother more, he will feel more secure in your relationship.


I do believe that the Op has already stated that these males are also his friends, not random strangers that she has met since he left and that they were part of THEIR social circle before he left. I dont see where she is doing anything wrong here. Is she supposed to change her entire life because this man is getting jealous of a scenario that he had no problem with before he left?
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 73
He's in Iraq ..
Posted: 3/2/2009 2:00:49 PM
revilors, you need some counselling. And so does Ohio and Sunshine.

I have respect for the bravery that people (newsflash: women go to war these days as well). But imagining these people are angels because they've chosen that career is a joke. Did you know that military men and police officers have the highest rate of abusing their spouses? Are you one of those sickos that think those women must deserve it?

And don't think every man who goes off to another country is behaving like a gentleman there. Check out the birthrate in European countries after the world wars of women who got pregnant by men who were at war, only to have the men go home and never see them again.

I dated a man who went overseas on peacekeeping missions before we met. He told me he slept around like there was no tomorrow while there and opportunity was endless because he was a "hero."

I'm not saying that the OP's boyfriend is anything but a great guy, but there's no call for you to abuse her when you've never even met him!

Nutt
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 81
He's in Iraq ..
Posted: 3/2/2009 6:22:01 PM

Are you mental or did you just forget to take you antidepressants???


Why? Because I tell the truth and don't jump to the conclusion that someone's an angel because of his/her career choice?


You have like 5 or 6 new posts in your last comment off subject- why dont you start creating a new thread in "I am a Sour Manhater" because no one cares if your date f***ed around on you before you met- how is that even relevant???


No intelligent person could possibly call me a manhater for pointing out that you should judge every person as an individual. It's ludicrous to decide that a man you've never met and know nothing about is a hero because he's on a mission in the military--some men are great and some are not and that's not dependent on their career.

Also my comments were not at all offtopic. You and others like you are stating that the OP is in the wrong because she doesn't choose to let one person run her life--if this weren't a man in the military, people would be calling him controlling and saying he's on the course to be an abuser. In fact it's been said many times in many other threads on this forum.

Secondly, my ex couldn't F*** around on me because we hadn't even met yet. The point to THAT was that this "angel" you are raving about could be over there skanking around at the same time he's telling his OP at home that she's not allowed to talk to men. The point was that men who are in other countries are not necessarily living the lives of angels. I have a female cousin who went to Afghanistan and came home talking about the bedhopping going on--and that was just in fellow military people never mind consorting with the locals.

My posts are pointing out that you cannot generalize about a group of people, but take each person as an individual, and that the rules of society apply not according to geographical location but to all relationships. E.g. it is wrong to cheat on your partner whether they are at home while you`re out or in another country working; it is wrong to try to control your partner`s friendships whether you are at home or in another country. Have I typed that often enough for it to sink in, yet, or do you want me to do a whole post with just the same comment?

Nutt
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 90
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He's in Iraq ..
Posted: 3/3/2009 5:54:49 AM

These Men and Women stepped up and did their call to duty by choice...Do they not deserve a certain amount of respect...Even if we are just discussing an issue of a POF Forum???


They deserve the same amount of respect as anyone else. My husband is military and has been all over the world in hot zones, so dont try to play that card with me. What Nutt is accurate in saying is that just because you wear a uniform, it doesnt mean that you are a hero. There are plenty of military members that are good and decent people and there are pleanty that are criminals, dirt bags and terrible people. The uniform doesnt mean you have ethics, morals and good character, it means you wear a uniform.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 91
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He's in Iraq ..
Posted: 3/3/2009 6:30:51 AM
having served in the military, in the navy, it all really comes down to the one who is serving's confidence , i was never jealous,i guess its just not in my personality, but i did see many men loose there wives or girlfriends over there jealousy ,most often, over nothing but
there silly insecurities
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 93
He's in Iraq ..
Posted: 3/3/2009 8:53:51 AM

Nutt.Nutt.Nutt. You turned so angry and bitter so quickly. Really sounds like you had a control freak in your life, once upon a time....no?


No I haven't had a control freak in my life. And I'm not angry or bitter--you are because you cannot accept that people are individuals and some are good and some are not based on personality. I'm not sure how many times I have to say the same thing--I guess you are just not capable of understanding straight typing. I'm sorry for you that you are such a manipulative person you have to twist every reasonable comment into an insult against the poster and that you're incapable of understanding basic comments.

The point I've made again and again is that some people are good and some people are not and all of us have some of both in us. It's that simple. There is no underlying issue, there is no judgmentalism (you should try that).


Do they not deserve a certain amount of respect.


No more than anyone else--not every one goes into the army to serve: some go for excitement, for money, for the early retirement. Ever heard of every day heroes? The people who live a normal life and have normal jobs but do extraordinary actions (like pulling people out of a burning home or car wreck). According to you that person doesn't deserve respect until he actually does that extraordinary thing just because he doesn't wear a uniform. You are also saying that putting on a uniform automatically makes that person a hero. That's completely absurd. AGAIN: some people are good and some people are not.

Do you get it yet? Some people are good and some are not. This does not depend on the career, religion or colour. It depends on the individual person's personality, values and life choices. Don't judge the character of people you don't know whether that judgement is positive or negative.

I won't bother with any further response to you sunshine to try to clarify. If you can't get the same point repeated over and over and over, you never will and that's not my problem.

Nutt
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 96
He's in Iraq ..
Posted: 3/3/2009 3:37:07 PM

We should not consider respect as some kind of bianry equasion. That a person needs to be respected on all levels...or not at all.


I'm sorry, I don't agree with this revilors. I think we can have friends whom we love dearly but don't agree with or respect all their values and personal choices. There are many degrees of respect: I have a girlfriend of 30 years who is smart, interesting, fun, financially responsible, provides a good home and balanced diet for her family but who drinks heavily. I appreciate all of her except her drinking--one trait out of all that I don't respect doesn't mean that I should toss this woman out of my life. Being able to tolerate differences and accept negatives along with positives is part of being a compassionate person and a friend in my opinion.

In your second paragraph you contradict yourself by noting that you respect a serving soldier in that capacity but may not respect him as an individual if he were cheating on his wife.

You've underlined my whole point that people are individuals and have good or bad characteristics and cannot be judged by one aspect of their lives. That being a good soldier doesn't necessarily mean that person is a good husband or father or friend. That's the whole point I was trying to make!!

Nutt
 silverghosts
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 97
He's in Iraq ..
Posted: 3/3/2009 3:47:39 PM
It is nice of you to ask for advice on your dillema, that being said if you have a strong trusting relationship, questions like this shouldn't be an issue. When I was deployed the relationships that failed were the ones that were not strong to begin with. Yes communication is a very aspect of a relationship but a strong relationship is primarily based on mutual trust. What I also observed was some relationships failed because one of the two fell in love with someone they met online. So as long as you are honest and not cheating on him you have nothing to worry about. If he doesn't trust you despite your fidelity it is his loss not yours.
 seekndestroy
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 101
He's in Iraq ..
Posted: 4/14/2009 3:36:50 AM
im with Vet29.... tell him that not only are you gonna continue hanging out with dudes (and even that you are gonna do it more often), if he's gonna be so worked up when you are remaining faithful, then you might as well give him a real reason to get jealous.... reverse psychology....maybe then he'll get the point that he is making a mountain out of a mole hill... and if he doesnt then, clearly he is the insecure and jealous type and that wont change when his back for good...

yes he has a job and yes he needs to think about that...when the bullets start flying... you'll be the last thought to go through his brain... as much as we all like to think that they are in combat 24/7, the reality is that boredom and down time is much more of a daily occurrence... he needs to find an outlet so he's not spending that time thinking about home, you and what you may be doing (or he'll go nuts)... reassure him when you talk to him but dont glorify his lack of confidence....

not being callous, just realistic ... i have all the respect in the world for the guys down there.... i hope for their soon and safe return
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