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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 3
Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?Page 1 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
NIck,

I am old fashioned in the way that I love to go out to dinner, so I had a lot of dates that were drinks and dinner. But I didn't make it a habit of ME paying. Even mention in a funny note that well, "she can pick up the drinks." What happens when women take what you do for granted, is that they learn to use you, instead of appreciate. I made it very clear when we talked. I even said it in a funny way that I was not buying them dinner to get them in the sack but because I loved that restaurant and wanted to share the experience. Then they offered to pay for something, of even felt obliged to do something themselves, like cooking for me, or picking the next place. And don't be afraid of ASKING a woman this "So are you going to buy me a drink?"

The thing is dude. YOU set the tone for these interactions. If you set the tone where the are expecting this things and don't even thank you, YOU DID THAT.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 4
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Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 6:45:35 AM
Wealth and social standing have nothing to do w/ manners unfortunately. It has more to do w/ how a person was raised I think. Manners say a great deal about one's character too.

"Please", "thank you", and "you're welcome" were required parts of most of my upbringing, and I didn't have a wealthy one. Personally I consider this right up there w/ good table manners.

It shouldn't matter who pays for the date, "thank you" is appropriate for both parties involved. "Thank you" for the date, "thank you" for spending time w/ me.

Good luck w/ you , but maybe be a bit pickier about your dates and try to observe if they have good manners before going out w/ them.
 Rushâ„¢
Joined: 2/17/2009
Msg: 5
Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 6:57:35 AM
Saying thank you is common courtesy. Clearly these women have no manners. I could never find myself not thanking my date for treating me. Even if I wasn't enjoying myself.

OP, I would suggest going dutch.
 Cogie36
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 6
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Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 7:07:21 AM
I believe you should expect a Thank you......... its funny to me because if you have children you get on them about always saying please and thank you or they get in trouble and then you turn around and go on a date and have someone buy you a meal or even just meet for coffee and dont have the common courtesy to thank them for atleast meeting you......I guess the ones that dont say it did you a favor......Good Luck!
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 7
Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 7:26:03 AM
I always say "thank you" for dinner or anything else that ANYONE does for me.

However, if I thought the thank you was expected, I probably wouldn't say it.

And what kind of dates make it "unavoidable" to buy things for women? I don't get it.
 Tigress
Joined: 4/11/2004
Msg: 8
Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 7:58:54 AM
It's all about manners and appreciation. Whether somebody totally paid your way or not, I believe you should always say something nice. For instance," I had a great time!", or "Thank you for taking me. It was so much fun!"
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 9
Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 9:46:38 AM
Of course they "should" say thank you for dinner and/or drinks, to be polite. I, personally, always do so. However, I notice guys are often taken aback (why am I writing in thsi style?) when I pay, so forget to say thanks. Also, personally, it doesn't bother me in the slightest.

I am not one of those people who thinks an occasional drop o' the ball on the subject of manners is a "red flag" or "dealbreaker". To me, really, manners and being polite are like an "extra". I have to say, when I went to visit my friend in Philly and he held the car door for me EVERY time, I liked it. (Ho got a kiss and a thanks every time) It made me feel special.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 11
Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 10:37:01 AM
I always say "thank you" for dinner or anything else that ANYONE does for me.

However, if I thought the thank you was expected, I probably wouldn't say it.

I'm with Gwen on this one. Entitlement attitudes are a real nasty turn off for me.

Really??? Good manners are optional in your world? Good manners define you. The expectations of others should not define your behavior.

Actually they do - and I'd take it further then Gwen on this; I'd either pay my half of the bill or politely decline the offer altogether if I detected this sort of attitude.

When I do nice things for people I do not do them because I expect to be thanked for my efforts. However, I do have the expectation that I am thanked for my efforts. The appreciation is not the impetus of the behavior..... But, it is a desired response.

You're saying that tho you don't expect a thank you, it's expected that someone will thank you? Sounds the same to me. Expect/desire...if you do anything for the outcome or the outcome is a problem for you - don't do stuff for people.

I'm also with the poster that pays her own way to avoid this type situation altogether. In a dating scenario, it's just better to cover your a$$. If I can't afford my end of the date, I'd really rather cancel it so there's no misunderstanding.
 celts123
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 12
Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 10:51:17 AM
It's not a mandatory requirement. However it is good manners and common courtesy to say thanks whenever another person does something positive for you. Whether it's buying a meal or just simply holding the door open.
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 15
Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 11:11:15 AM
I always say thank you when someone does a good deed for me. Some people do not seem to appreciate things as much, or they figure you owe it to them.
 Yankee_Girl
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 16
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Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 11:30:58 AM
Isn't is common courtesy? I would be annoyed too.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 17
Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 12:26:30 PM
I said:

However, if I thought the thank you was expected, I probably wouldn't say it.


Optimistically Cynical replied:

/Really??? Good manners are optional in your world? Good manners define you.


If someone expects something in return for a kind act or dinner, then the return of the kindness IS the thank you. If I am unaware that the dinner was his treat because he expects sex, then he doesn't deserve a "thanks." If he doesn't get the sex, then will he be happy with my polite, "Thank you"?

If I am a thankless person in some scenarios, I can easily live with that.

DJ Chickie wrote:
I'd either pay my half of the bill or politely decline the offer altogether if I detected this sort of attitude.


Exactly!
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 18
Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 12:33:42 PM
Sepia777 wrote:
Simply put: some women are arrogant twats with an air of" entitlement" .. in which "paying" is something that you are expected to do for the "pleasure" of their company ....and therefore you should be grateful for the privilege..


Let's put the shoe on the other foot:

Simply put: some men are arrogant twats with an air of "entitlement" in which a return of sex or other physical contact is something they expect for their "thoughtfulness" and "money" they put into buying dinner or a gift . . . and women should be grateful for what they are given.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 19
Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 1:07:56 PM

People who feel they are "entitled" to things merely because they exist are self centered individuals. That being said, why would you date them?


In this world of internet dating, one cannot detect all the qualities, quirks or faults of a person until meeting.

Again, I am quite liberal with my "thank yous," but also again, I had a date with a man who tried to paw me in the restaurant and when I refused to let him do so, he divided the check. Had I allowed him to feel me up, I guarantee that he would have picked up the tab. Had he paid, I further guarantee that he would have expected a payment for his payment.

And had he paid, he would NOT have been deserving of sex or a "thanks"--or maybe I could have said, "Thanks for a horrible evening."

Eh?

But no, if a man was so self centered as to be out of balance, there wouldn't be a second date.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 22
Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 4:22:34 PM
pirateheaven wrote:

I never said that you should thank a groping jerk.


Actually, your earlier post said:
Saying thank you is not only good manners, it is a measure of a person.


This indicates that if I, or anyone, doesn't say "thanks," it makes us less of a civilized person--it gives no leeway for the jerks of the world.

The only reason I am "harping" on this is because people give blanket answers for every condition, but there are caveats to every scenario.

And if MOST of the women the OP has dated never said "thank you," he obviously dates the wrong type of woman. He says that:

I've mainly dated girls from a wealthier background
Why does he date them? He must be getting some return for the money he spends. Maybe he should date a poor but thankful woman!
 fastdogphotog
Joined: 5/27/2008
Msg: 23
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Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 4:59:22 PM

Good manners are optional in your world?


Good manners are optional, period!


I must respectfully disagree. IMHO, a consistent lack of good manners shows a general disregard and lack of consideration for fellow humans. And that is something I find to be sad, disheartening and unacceptable.

To me, good manners are not optional. They are required. Both on my part and on the part of the people I associate with.
 Lusciuos
Joined: 2/24/2009
Msg: 26
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Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/3/2009 11:40:23 PM
Maybe I'm weird but I always say Thanks. It's just polite, my kids do the same and we have been told before that it was surprising to get appreciation. On the comment of people from money.... You can have money and No Class!!!!!
 ShrpndTrvlr
Joined: 2/9/2007
Msg: 27
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Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/4/2009 12:05:50 AM
If they don't have the heart and warmth to say thank you for buying dinner "kick em to the curb". as the saying goes. Not literally of course but do you really want to spend your life with someone who does not appreciate you? As a therapist said to me " to feed someone is to love them". First dates notwithstanding, We only owe are dependent children food and care without consideration. No even first dates don't count - women are liberated and equal. All adults should show appreciation for gifts.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 28
Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/4/2009 4:50:45 AM
If you read the OP's comments, he does not feel like he is owed nothing more then common courtesy, as in a "thank you". Git of yer high horse if you read anything else into it!

Um, she read it just fine. If the OP felt he wasn't owed anything more than a thank you, then he felt he was owed something. What it was or the size of it isn't the issue.

I grew up in a house of entitlement, so in particular it irks me.

Yes, I appreciate most things done for me and thank people for doing them, but by and large I try and keep myself from situations where I have to consider thanking someone. I learned over the years that few people REALLY do something cause they felt it should be done. Most are looking for a pat on the back, approval they are good people, recognition.

There's a big difference between someone doing something because they want to and someone secretly hoping for admiration/appreciation for what they do. Seems subtle in everyday life, but they are eons apart.

Someone who TRULY wants to do things for someone either won't notice the lack of thank you (if it happens that way) or won't care; they'll just shrug at it and say it's that person's problem - but they won't think they should stop doing for others.

Someone who secretly wants to be appreciated for what they do will not only notice the lack of thanks, but will ask others about it and question doing what they do based on it.

I agree with the poster above me. Manners/politeness, although nice when encountered and appreciated when given are optional. You can't expect it from others, you can only try and follow it yourself. Millions and millions of people are out there with all kinds of backgrounds and upbringing and general personality traits. You can't expect them all to react to kindness the way you would. You can only react to what others do in a way that keeps you from pissing yourself off...bluntly put.
 Amma63
Joined: 8/18/2008
Msg: 29
Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/4/2009 5:41:52 AM

manners cost nothing ...


My Nana always said that..........as did my Mom.................as do I....................as do my two Daughters.....................

Four generations CAN'T be wrong - can they??

It's a sad, sad day - when saying "Thank You" becomes the exception and not the rule.................

B.
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 30
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Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/4/2009 6:19:49 AM
^^^^ That's what I was gonna say...


I don't expect worship or sex; just two simple words.

Perhaps you should expand your list of things not to expect by adding those two simple words. Generally, the less you expect the better. Human beings are unreliable things.


Is there some aspect of dating/female psychology that I'm missing that would explain this as not being impolite?

Yea, but you'd have to buy me dinner or something to prove that the info had some value to you.

Besides, it's what men are supposed to do. You want to be thanked for doing your chores?
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 31
Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/4/2009 7:00:44 AM
In response to a poster who condemned women, I changed "women" to "men" and wrote:


Simply put: some men are arrogant twats with an air of "entitlement" in which a return of sex or other physical contact is something they expect for their "thoughtfulness" and "money" they put into buying dinner or a gift . . . and women should be grateful for what they are given.


Optimistically Cynical wrote:
Gwen you are sadly confused.......


Cynical, I suggest that you wade through all the posts before you inform me of how confused I am. If you read all the posts, then I must assume that it is ok for a poster to call a woman an "arrogant twat," for not saying thank you, but men who expect something for buying dinner are within their rights? "Arrogant twat" is sexist and the poster was a bit vehement in her judgment of women.


FFS are good manners that far out of style???? Surely someone of your age was raised in the era of good manners. I know I was raised to say thank you when someone does something nice for me.


I guess you don't read posts because my first one said I do say "thank you," BUT if it were expected, then I probably wouldn't. The pivotal word there is "probably," but I find that most people can't understand nuance.

My subsequent posts were to explain why I wouldn't say "thank you" to some men.


The more I read on here the more I see why so many people are single.


Do you always resort to ad hominem (personal attacks) when you are discussing issues? You have no idea why I am single, and the reasons are certainly not my willingness or lack of willingness to say "thank you."

Stick to the issues: it cheapens you to attack the person rather than the argument.
 fastdogphotog
Joined: 5/27/2008
Msg: 32
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Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/4/2009 9:33:13 AM
To banana anna - in as much as your point is that no one is required by law to be polite, I certainly would agree. So in that respect maybe I did misunderstand what you were saying, for which I apologize. However, I remain convinced that each of us, as free adults, have an ethical or moral obligation to treat each other with a measure of respect, including good manners, whether such behavior is required by law or not. And while I agree you can't force rude people to be polite, you can choose to associate with and spend time with people who are not rude.

As for expecting people to be polite, well, it really isn't about the expectation. Rather, as Frasier Crane once said while giving an "etiquette lesson" - ". . . it's about the erosion of common decency. . . when you treat me this way you encourage me to be discourteous to another, and so on, and so on . . . "
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 33
Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/4/2009 1:31:13 PM
four pages of whether or not someone should expect a thank you after you pay for a meal....
sheeesh.
Short of thanking a robber or someone who was trying to do me bodily harm...I can't imagine why I wouldn't say thank you for a common courtesy. Someone invites me out...I thank them... Someone pays for my dinner...I thank them. Someone holds the door for me...I thank them. I don't bother considering whether or not they EXPECT it...it's just something I do. When did being courteous in your own way become a bad thing?
A lot of this seems like one upmanship to me...having the upper hand or whatever you want to call it. I neither have the attention span or the inclination to get into a battle over whether or not either I or someone else is "owed" a thank you. I don't think you spontaneously implode should thank you slip out of your lips when its not deserved.

Thank you. Thank you very much.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 35
Should I expect a thank you after paying for the meal, etc.?
Posted: 3/4/2009 4:16:39 PM

Gwyn..... you continue to be confused.....

The OP was about SAYING thank you, not about expecting sex or something else in return for buying dinner etc.


It's "Gwen" with an "e."

If you had followed the trail of posts, you would have seen that I was saying there are incidences where a "thank you" is not warranted. I KNOW what the OP was saying, but as forums often do, they meander from one aspect to another, to another, to another.


So you don't so things that are expected of you?


In the case of someone EXPECTING a "thank you," the action was not done in the spirit of gift giving. Why would someone perform a "kind" act with the intention of receiving something in return? It defeats the intent of altruism. The people who began answering the OP did so blanketly, not examining reasons why someone wouldn't say "thank you."

I don't see bathing in the same category as expressing thanks--you are throwing in a red herring and are comparing apples with oranges.


My statement about seeing why so many people are single was not directed solely at you.


But it was directed at me--you singled me out for a post and ended it with your coup de grace of why SOME people remain single. But then, I am used to rude people who resort to name calling instead of sticking to the issue. Your ad hominem was far more off the forum topic than me discussing why "thank you" simply isn't in order sometimes.


And for the record i am not attacking you as a person, I am simply attacking your statements which to me are errant.


Ah, but you were attacking me as a person; in fact, every post in which you have addressed me has been a personal attack on some level. When I made the comment about not doing what was expected of me, it wasn't aimed toward you--it was a general comment, but you jumped on it like a duck on a june bug and seemingly, couldn't wait to tell me what a horrible person I am!


If that exists in your world then i would not want to live in the word of bitterness and cynicism that you live in.


I didn't ask you to live with me--and more ad hominem.

The most I will say about you is that you are extremely touchy and very judgmental.
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