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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through?      Home login  
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 starrymidnight
Joined: 11/1/2007
Msg: 1
No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through?Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Im just curious i hear alot of stories on how only married men/women go through midlife crisis. what about the single men and women who are older than 45 that have never been married? do they still go through a midlife crisis? If their single never married, never had kids, they don't really have a mini van to trade in for a motorcycle in the first place. what do these people go through? how does it feel? what are their symptoms?
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 2
No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through?
Posted: 3/9/2009 6:07:30 PM
Not all men have a mid-life crisis.

But from friends I know without kids, wife, or such in their forties...
they suddenly want em.
BAD!

The midlife thing is about assessing where we're at and where we're going.
4th quarter and the clock is ticking type of thinking.
What some guys think they've missed out on... they seek.
But if guys do hit their goals at 40-something they tend to avoid sudden changes.
 bicoastal49
Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 3
No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through?
Posted: 3/9/2009 7:14:37 PM
I recently heard midlife described as when you "hear the waterfall" of the river of life. As the story was told, you know there is a waterfall (death), but when you're younger, and on "the river," you know you'll die eventually (hit the waterfall), in an intellectual sense. But, it's an intellectual construct; it's not real. In midlife, whether one has married, or not, or had children, or not, mortality starts to become apparent. You hear the waterfall.

That's when you (well, me) start to think about what you did, you didn't do, what you want to do, what has meaning, etc. You hear the waterfall and decide how your life might need to change.
 DivineBovine
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 4
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No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through?
Posted: 3/9/2009 7:29:36 PM

For some a feeling of desperation in that life has passed them by.


this is me... but it's not desperation - more depression.

until last year, i never even owned my own home. and i've never learned how to drive nor owned a car, nor travelled much at all.

i'm just a loser all around...

 FriendlyFreeSpirit
Joined: 8/24/2008
Msg: 5
No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through?
Posted: 3/9/2009 8:56:05 PM
With my friends, I've noticed it's a kind of depression, rather than desparation.
Not having children OR a partner is like a double blow to many single middle-aged people. Honestly, the happiest seem to be long-term partners who decided many years ago not to have children. They travel and have plenty of money to enjoy their freedom.
But the ones without either - it's a lonely time and the realisation that it could get a lot lonelier can make them really miserable.
It doesn't help that most are set in their ways, so change is difficult.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 6
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No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through?
Posted: 3/9/2009 10:35:55 PM
Thank God, not all people have a midlife crisis. Sounds like something I am glad I missed.

When did enjoying life become such a problem?

Spend time in the third world or better yet the cancer ward, and mid life crisis will disappear............if it doesn't, you are in real trouble.
 NancyC123
Joined: 12/17/2006
Msg: 7
No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through?
Posted: 3/9/2009 10:48:57 PM
Well, I turn 45 this year and I've never been married and I don't have kids, but I'm certainly not going through a mid-life crisis, either! Presently, I'm going through an unemployed crisis, but that's another story.

Where, in society is it written in stone that people HAVE to get married and HAVE to have kids, anyway? Am I committing a crime by not following this "golden rule" of life? Should I now be banished from humanity because I chose a different path for myself? Well, as far as the not wanting kids - that's all me - but I didn't CHOOSE to be single this far in life. I WANT to share my life with a man. There just doesn't seem to be any single, sensational, intelligent, good-looking ones out there that want to share their life with ME! So, in a case like this, what is a person to do? Commit suicide or continue living life to the best of their ability? I choose the latter, brother!!
 WackMC
Joined: 4/23/2008
Msg: 8
No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through?
Posted: 3/10/2009 12:00:29 AM
The crisis comes when you still have the desire to achieve, but no longer the resources, time, or freedom to even make the attempt.

The crisis comes when SECURITY becomes your major issue over all others. That means health, finances, and shelter. If you are overly concerned about any of these = crisis.

Younger folk feel they have plenty to time to secure these matters, so quitting a dull job or running off somewhere on a whim is not an issue.

A crisis is a crisis, be it at mid-life or any other time.
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 9
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No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through?
Posted: 3/10/2009 8:37:10 AM
Men have been coming in for quite a lot of emotional bullying and abuse from women over this alleged midlife crisis thing for quite some time. The problem is that academic research for almost thirty years has shown there's nothing there but a fabricated and worn out cliche, that on the whole midlife for men is a time of achievement and satisfaction.

There's no evidence for any increase in neuroticism, and those prone to such things were also prone to them in their 20's and 30's. There is no malady by the name in the DSM-IV-TR (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), so professional psychologists do not recognize the supposed pathology. People simply need to stop talking about the midlife crisis as if it really exists because it doesn't, lest they look like morons. It's a non-disease with a social origin.

If I run off with my 25 year-old secretary, exactly how's that a crisis without some old wife around to make it into one?
 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 10
No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through?
Posted: 3/10/2009 9:01:41 AM
I'm one of those who has never married nor had kids. My alleged "crisis" is that I have learned how to be happy, relax and enjoy life. In my 30's, people would wonder about what was "wrong" with me, now they respect me because I didn't compromise to live up to the "expectations" of society. I could have married but I chose not to because I knew in my heart that these men were not right for me. I was meant to be an "eccentric aunt" and I have a lot of great kids in my life and if I'm meant to fall in love, I will. If not, I have a nice life and am better off than a lot of people, and am living with gratitude. I have good family, friends, a job and a roof over my head.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 11
No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through?
Posted: 3/10/2009 9:51:52 AM
Hey, Divine--you're not dead yet! Go somewhere...
==================
Yeah, I think when you get to be a certain age, you look back and remember what you thought you'd be able to accomplish and never did--you hit the brick wall of reality and came to learn that you really couldn't change the world.

For me, I'm an old athlete, and I KNOW I will never be as good as I was back in my athletic heyday, and that saddens me (it's bittersweet).

I wouldn't say it's a "crisis", but I do see some people who appear to be *desperate* to hold onto their youth by whatever means they can--plastic surgery, taking up risky sports ('I'm still young enough, ouch, my back!'), and yes, even f*ucking anything that moves in order to prove they're still desirable. I'd say it's better than giving up and sitting your azs in front of the TV to die.
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 12
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No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through?
Posted: 3/10/2009 10:41:07 AM
I would assume any mid-life crisis without previous encumberments is only related to a fear of dying alone-! And not having acquired the social skills to date. Or not having enough dough to live on-!
 just sayin...
Joined: 2/9/2009
Msg: 13
No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through?
Posted: 3/10/2009 11:47:45 AM
*sigh* i will never know unless i read it here first i suppose....
 GreenwoodUnion
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 14
No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through?
Posted: 3/10/2009 12:08:22 PM
no kids, never married..........wow, what a concept. I can only say that i've been married twice and had 3 kids. i have often thought what it might feel like to only live for myself and not have to be responsible for anyone else. how could this possibly create a midlife crisis? if i could go back 30 years and do life over again, i would and it would be without marriage and children.
 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 15
No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through?
Posted: 3/10/2009 12:47:48 PM

if i could go back 30 years and do life over again, i would and it would be without marriage and children.

I've had a lot of people confide this to me.

i have often thought what it might feel like to only live for myself and not have to be responsible for anyone else.

Single does not always equate irresponsibility. I oversee the care of my elderly mother and in certain areas, (household chores for example) you are doing the work of 2 people. There are days where you do feel like a one legged person in an ass kicking contest.
 GreenwoodUnion
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 16
No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through?
Posted: 3/10/2009 2:01:11 PM
Miss W,

i don't equate no kids, never married as living life irresponsibly at all.

i see value to both types of lifestyles and lifestyles is what i think they are whether by choice or that's just how it turned out.

i'm glade you said that a lot of people have confiding to you that if they could do it again, they would do it without marriage and children.

there are a lot of people out there that if they hear you say something like that, they jump all over you for it.

believe me, i love my 3 kids more than anything but for reasons if i could do life over again, i would do it minus the marriage and kids.

in my life i've worked with many many elderly and did a lot of hospice work so i have taken care of the elderly, sick and dying.

i believe that when my parents died back in 1993 and 2003 i was spared and given a gift by god not to be in the picture at the times of their deaths.

i did not have to take care of them through that period of their lives as i think god gave me only what he knew i could bare and at those times, i was quite busy being mom and everything else to my kids.

only days before and within the same month of my fathers death, the father of my children died.

so, i feel i have done what i could in life which wasn't an easy life but nonetheless i did it well and am happy that my time of raising little ones is over.

i am also to the point in life where because i've had my fill of children, i will not be taking part in grandparenting past the point of looking at the child.

the grandchildren will have to come and go to my home with their parents and i will not watch them for any amount of time be it long or short.

i do not consider myself to be grandmother material nor do i ever want to be and that's just the way it is.
 DivineBovine
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 17
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No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through?
Posted: 3/10/2009 5:24:04 PM

You were merely joshing? You appear............ a winner


well... no, actually...

by my family's standards, i'm a major disappointment. i have all these cousins who have dutifully married and produced offspring and have successful careers and they've owned their homes for years, etc. etc.

my mother wasn't even happy for me when i bought my house last year - and i was just thrilled that i was able to finally do that on my own.

and i still pinch myself sometimes when i walk up the stairs from the basement and look around my bright, open-plan, comfy little bungalow and realize that it's all mine!!!

 Christoph61
Joined: 3/6/2009
Msg: 18
No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through?
Posted: 3/10/2009 5:32:47 PM
Wow...well we've heard from many married people with kids speak to what they feel their
single friends must go through.....how about I give my perspective as a attractive single 47 year old man (no kids) who has chosen his life circumstance willingly.

Parents can never "imagine" their kids not being around ever again. This is a part of the human condition, a positive part. Now when you ask a parent to imagine how a single non-parent their age must feel, they can not separate that question from their internal question "what would my life be without my child / children."

They will then inadvertantly project those feelings associated with their child not being there (loss, emptiness, loneliness a sense of failure) onto those who choose to be single.
This is a filter than cannot be removed anymore than the memories of a child's love can be removed from a parents mind.

I can't tell you the amount of times that I have had well intentioned (married) people apologize to me for asking, after discovering the shameful truth that I hadn't married.
Like it's some dark secret or source of shame! Enough empirical condemnation I say!

I'm quite happy with my life. We all make choices with upsides and downsides. I know
many miserable people who are in marriages that should have ended long ago..because they are afraid of a worse fate....."being single"

I also know many singles who want to be married because they feel they would be happier. Life is what you make it kids. There are no universal correct answers.
Your circumstance does not predict your level of happiness or satisfaction with life!
(At least, that what life has taught me...so far)
So married folks, next time you meet a decidedly single person...don't treat them like
they have a deficit, treat them like people who have made a choice that is as valid and correct to them as marriage is for you.

Cheers,

Christoph.
 Leia7
Joined: 5/27/2008
Msg: 19
No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through?
Posted: 3/10/2009 7:20:07 PM
Well, the 'midlife crisis' I am going through right now consists of what I call 'career trap'. I have a job and a career path which pays me excellent money, and I hate it. It does not nourish my soul at all. I am bored. However, since I am now single, I am the only one responsible for my expenses, mortgage, etc. So, it's not like I have the option to go back to school and work part time to do something different. I could, I suppose, dump my worldly possessions and find something else to do, but I LIKE my stuff. I was poor through years of college and early in my career and I hated it. I like having money to spend on things I want to do. So there is the conundrum. I am a victim of my own desires.
Additionally, now that I am alone, I worry about what happens as I get older. The dating pool is small enough, and it shrinks faster for older women than men. I don't want to grow old without a companion, but then again, I don't want to end up with another schmuck. I have a fine group of friends for activities, but that's not the same as waking up with someone or snuggling in the evenings or discussing the movie you just saw with someone who appreciates sarcasm.
So here I am in my gilded cage, I guess.....
 Nightwing66
Joined: 8/1/2006
Msg: 20
No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through?
Posted: 3/10/2009 7:32:38 PM
None, ....so far!

I did have a career re-adjustment about 5-6 years ago, for the same reasons as mentioned above. That's about it.

I've always ridden motorcycles, traveled, had long term relationships (some longer than most folks are married) w/ gorgeous, fantastic women. Always been able to persue any dream that I conjure up.

Actually, I've seriously thought about getting married a couple of times (never wanted biological children of my own, tho I helped raise an amazing young man for 11+ years), but in the end I realized that we did not love in a compatible fashion.

My life has been & continues to be, wonderful and exciting.......what's there to have a crisis about?
 Notdesper8atall
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 21
No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through?
Posted: 3/10/2009 9:04:13 PM
OP I know I have never bought into the idea of a mid life crisis and not sure I ever will. I did get married and have kids but, I have a number of friends and family who are near my age ( 46) who feel exactly the same way and have never been married or had children. Your life is what you chose to make of it and all the "what if's" or "if I had done this or that" doesn't really mean diddly. If you chose to turn past life decisions into a crisis perhaps you need to re-think the way you make the decisions in the first place. Usually this doesn't happen until you made mistakes..lol. Daydreaming about what your life would be like if you had done this or that differently is silly IMHO.
Dreams are for your future and as long as your still breathing you still have a future. Put your energy there. Just my take on it. Good luck to you.
 Dancing_4_You
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 22
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No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through?
Posted: 3/10/2009 10:07:45 PM
judith vorst wrote a book on "necessary losses" that occur to everyone over time. if not one, it's another. when i read the book in my 30's (if i remember correctly or maybe early 40's), it didn't sink in. i was too busy. but later on, during one of my many "transitions" when i took the time to face my own demons, i read it again. it was another "aha moment".

i think the term "midlife crisis" is a marketing term that is geared to sell consumer oriented solutions: hair transplants, cars, botox, plastic boobs, extenze! there is an expression in the medical field: less is often more.

the other paradigm shift is that closing one door, leads to another one to open. some people chose to stay inside the dark room of a closed mind and bang their heads on the wall to "get out". others chose to open the door and walk into the sunlight. use sunscreen of course! this is not my visual, but it stuck with me when i heard it. the other one, i say over and over (compliments of an old friend named "roger") is that in order to give something away, first you must own it! it was in some book about "dysfunctional" behaviour i think. or maybe someone said it during a discussion.

some things are physiological, such as cognitive or mood disorders or hormonal depletion. we were not designed to live this long and some things need "replacing" for some people. some things come from external toxins, be they bacterial or emotional toxicity. first, we have to make decisions as to whether we want to change. some people's "bottoms" are lower than others. i know when i need help, i ask for it. i also give help to those in my life who ask it from me. i recognize that my boundaries are becoming less tolerant, due to my own declining resources. but, i've passed on my good stuff to others, as was done for me. i will not "do life" for another human being, but i sure as heck will be there to affirm her/her and do what/when i am able to help out.

if you feel bad about not having kids, adopt them or mentor them or advocate for them. i was always available for some form of mentoring, even at the height of a very busy career. i became a mom at 50. let me tell you, kids will turn you grey and they will (at the same time), keep you young. they also will pass on what you teach them and you will live on, even after you die. they also will call you on your own bullshit!

now, there's a real crisis: dying. go figure! it's all relative and it all happens when you think that you are just "getting it". don't wait, live life. that is what i tell myself when i get "farty" or "fear based". the fears may never quite leave, but the decision to do it "anyways" is the one that gets me out of my own way. i could not do this, without the support of others, including my pof e-buddies and friends.

so, thanks all. you know who you are!

ps read wiki's definition of crisis!
 40Chev
Joined: 11/7/2005
Msg: 23
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No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through?
Posted: 3/11/2009 2:49:43 PM
Don't know if it qualifies as a crisis situation and I didn't see it as a "do or die" point in my life either - but -
Somewhere in my mid 40s I decided to finish the degree program I had started on back in 1966. Quit a job of 19 years and did it.
I do know that part of the decision involved me telling myself that I didn't have a spouse or children to be concerned about providing with food and housing, only myself to take care of.
Never regretted it, in fact I wish I had done it sooner.
PS -
Already had the motorcycle and traded the mini van for an older one so I wouldn't have any more payments to make.
 tallyover
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 24
No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through?
Posted: 3/12/2009 4:12:40 AM
I had dated a guy that was in that situation..............never married, no kids. When his health started failing he realized how alone he was. ....he seemed rather desperate. I know that's not true of all singles, but this guy's crisis was that suddenly he wanted someone to be there for him.
 TedJMill
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 25
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No kids,never married, what kinda midlife crisis they go through?
Posted: 4/25/2009 8:28:54 AM
I'm 50, never married, no kids. My midlife crisis involved buying a house and planning marriage and stepfatherhood with my girlfriend and her daughter. But a couple of months of living together cured that.
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