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 La Gioconda
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 7
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...Page 1 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
I am not sure about it myself OP. I don't date very much, so I probably can't offer very good advice. However, from my own experience from 'chatting' with men from here is that very, very, very few are actually interested in being in a relationship. Sure, they may have missed human touch, flirting, but majority are not ready to date, not to mention to be in a relationship. Online dating has become some kind of distraction, social thing and way of life. It seems easy to connect, but how many are interested in making it into real time.

You have chatted with him for four months???!!! Goodness gracious, why sooo looong???
If man is truly interested he would want to make you soon, sooner, the soonest. He is enjoying your company and attention he is getting, but not truly interested to make it his reality. Only my guess. 2cents. La Gioconda
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 8
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You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/26/2009 9:22:59 PM

Men what is this yo yo treatment all about? I feel like he pulls me close, then runs away. We talked online for four months before we even had our first date, and have had six dates in seven weekends. Is this man full of it, or just scared?
I don't know. But I do know that I go through phases with a woman. Some times, I want to be with her constantly. Other times, I just want to concentrate on other stuff. The thing is, if I really like a woman, then I cannot concentrate on other stuff when she's there. So I need some space from her, to get my other stuff done.

How did you handle it?
Used to drive me insane when women did this to me. But a few times, I managed to get it to work for me. I found that if I booked the date, like a proper time and place, a week in advance, and I wouldn't have to call her or see her till then, then from then on, I could just focus on my work and my friends. I could really relax and get a lot more work done, because I wouldn't have to worry about her until the date, and I could feel confident that I had a date to look forwards to. If you could manage that kind of deal, to know when you are going to see each other again, and make sure that all the important stuff gets done in the time between dates, then life can get real good for the both of you.
Joined: 5/3/2008
Msg: 9
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You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/26/2009 9:25:15 PM
they all feel the need to fill us up with some kind of BS then back away...i just recently went thru the same thing myself...met this guy on another site...told me he had finally found what he was looking for after 34 years (he was 47) i was it for him...blah,blah, blah, i let him into my heart and my life, me met my kids and spent lots of time with all of us...we had sex once and then, he starts backing away slowly, and "poof" he's gone. not answering my calls, emails, etc...its like they are just there to climb mt everest, and once they reach the summit, the adrenaline rush caves...dont know about u all,but i for one am tired of all the lies and BS. if u cant walk the walk, dont do the talk!
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 11
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/26/2009 9:37:05 PM
I agree, Booked the Date many days in advance, so each party can plan the week. But I have to hear from him during the week, few short phone calls just to make sure we're still in the same page. OP, I'll say that he is a player. I hope you enjoyed the "plays". Wish you well.
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 12
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You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/26/2009 9:58:22 PM
Works for me, the calling everyday would get on my nerves and someone I only met siw weeks ago, way too much attention, I'd love the days off from it. But then I'm not normal.
Joined: 2/17/2009
Msg: 15
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/26/2009 10:16:10 PM
Iceman hit the nail right on the head. Oh and this...

the truth is they say what they think you want to hear to get in your pants. and they are always looking for something better.

Ya damn skippy. I've experienced something, very similar to this. I guess it's too bad, I have more intelligence than that.

Dude thought I was just gonna start chasing after him, like a little puppy dog. Naaah. No thanks. I'll pass. One of the last things I need, is to be strung along.
Joined: 7/9/2006
Msg: 17
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/26/2009 10:59:43 PM
ArtWolf: I MUST have you. I INSIST you call me immediately. With your computer skills, I'm sure you can track me down in a few nanoseconds. PREPARE yourself to climb mountains, swim seas, slay dragons and cross the desert like a nomad for the opportunity worship at my altar of smooth chocolatey goodness. As you bend a knee, be not dismayed if I am bit&chy, overly-talkative or seem plumper than my pictures.

Determinator shall be your new name....let the journey begin!

Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 19
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/26/2009 11:47:10 PM
OP, now that you reveal more about his background. That he is a single parent, divorced for 10 years and he did tell you that your dating is not casual. It seems like he is not a player. Unfortunately, I also did experience that yo yo treatments, ( by more than 1 guys). I did lose some sleeps when I was in that situation. Dating other guys might help but it may also complicate things. I don't like games like this, but I tried to just enjoy it and eventually I lost my interest in those guys and move on. And it did hurt me. I know that I may meet and get involve (again) with a guy who will do the yo yo things.('')
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 28
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You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/27/2009 5:32:01 AM
Ask him what his problem is, he is either trying to maneuver you into bed, is seriously ADHD, or he is married or in a relationship if you are just seeing him on the weekend. Have you been to his place? Do you have a landline or just a cell?

If you have been talking to this man for this long you ought to be able to talk to him about why he goes poof occasionally because it is just bizarre. If he is busy, it takes two seconds to shoot off an e-mail or make a call even while driving somewhere to tell you hey, I am really snowed under but wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.

And given the response to a thread over a year ago about whether a guy will call if he is really into the person, most men responded that they would. This type of communication sometimes wanes after a time in the relationship, like he won't take the five minutes between meetings to call you, but this too would happen slowly and not suddenly be like, where the hell is the guy? And he would also call at some point, just not as frequently.

Looking at some of your reposts and I confess, I didn't read all of it, a friend told me years ago that you should never call a man unless there is a purpose to the call. This I felt was stupid in her situation because she had been going with a guy for like 2-3 years but in the beginning stages of things, it makes sense. Now, he told you to call anytime so you should feel free to do so.

It sounds like you would like to be exclusive with this guy and you say all he has to do is ask but what if he is afraid you will shoot him down? Why don't you ask him if he wants to be exclusive because at this point you do. You will find out where he is and if it isn't going anywhere, focus your attention elsewhere.
Joined: 7/7/2005
Msg: 32
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You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/27/2009 6:55:13 AM
When you are dating others, it's hard for a guy to know when to call you. Who wants to call a woman in whom you are interested when she's on a date or getting ready for a date? Not fun.
Joined: 10/29/2007
Msg: 35
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/27/2009 7:38:55 AM
Of course only you are in a position to judge the depth of sincerity with which he declares his love for you - and even for you that might be impossible if he's a good actor or absolutely believes what he says so long as you're in front of him.

He might be commitment-phobic. He might be one of those who speaks from his immediate feelings but has a short intention span.

He might have low self-esteem and once he leaves your presence he runs out of the courage to contact you again.

Best swallow your pride and confront him with your confusion. The chances are, however, that he might read that as asking for more of a commitment than he is ready or able to give and he'd either give you a whole lot of psycho-babble or he'll disappear for good.
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 37
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/27/2009 7:50:22 AM

I feel like when someone else gets my attention and I feel drawn towards someone else, he steps up his game to pull me back towards him. Then when I show him attention, and we have a really good evening together then he backs off for a few days. It is very frustrating.

Think about it from HIS perspective.

He's trying to respect your boundaries and you are telling him he isn't important enough to really get to know. You're just busy playing the field...

.... of course, only men can be players, so I would NEVER suggest that YOU are playing HIM.

And, women wonder why guys are hesitant to 'commit'...

Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 38
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/27/2009 8:06:47 AM
I suppose there's a chance he might mean it.

But it sounds more like something that a guy practices saying when they're pushed into revealing their "true" feelings....

I think they say it over and over in the shower while soaping their rope.
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 39
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You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/27/2009 8:12:18 AM
Hello OP. You have been honest, telling him you are dating other guys. What man is going to walk into a trap like that? You obviously want more from him: time, effort or committment? Yet your out with other guys. I dont think this is the type of guy who is going to jump into the pool, only to find there is no water. I cant blame him for not being available till you are.
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 41
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/27/2009 9:43:06 AM

My only complaint is the "yoyo" phenonmenon I feel after an incredibly good date.

... but, but, but.... seriously, what the hell do you think HE'S thinking?

"Hmmm.... she says she likes me, but she tells me she's going out with other guys, playing the field, and I'M merely one of a dozen or so....

..... Why the hell is she playing this yo-yo game with me? Sheesh...."

Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 44
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/27/2009 10:45:43 AM
I don't understand the problem.
He told you how he feels, and you are secure enough in his behavior to trust him.
What's the problem?
He's a divorced parent with a teenage boy. He has, as you say, other activities in his life.
He tells you he wants to be with you, you're dating other men, he admits he's rusty at dating, he's assured you it isn't something you've done, he's comfortable around you....

Didn't you ever read that Mars & Venus stuff about men being rubber bands-- the stretch away then spring back. It says ..." that when a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer. So when they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come springing back. This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and them getting close again. So a women should allow a man to expand fully. She should NOT try to prevent this pulling away"

Since you're still dating other men, why is this such a problem? Or is it all about YOU and YOUR needs and YOUR feelings and YOUR thoughts and YOUR desires and what YOU want and how YOU want him to behave?

Oh how typical--

Right now I have decided to delete his number from my cell phone.
So it was all about YOU.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 45
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You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/27/2009 12:03:25 PM

I think he is afraid that if I stop dating the others my idea of relationship at this point is heavy duty commitment. It is not. It would be lets date each other exclusively and take it one day at a time and see where it goes. If that means baby steps so be it. I am already "screwed" in the sense that when another man kisses me I think of him. That tells me I need to stop juggling me.

First of all, the "strategy" for keeping yourself from doing something prematurely was not dumb, unless I am dumb right along with you. The last time I was dating and on my way to a relationship the guy I wound up seeing had the attitude that he could care less I was dating other guys. If something developed between us, the other guys would sort of just go away and that is what happened.

You are at this stage with him so do drop the other guys because it is making you uncomfortable. He has a piece of your heart and your heart isn't in dating the other guys even if you like them.

I think just dropping things on your end is not the way to handle it. Tell him how you feel first, pretty much exactly what I quoted from you, then give him the space. In a sense you are expecting him to read your mind and I think long before you figured out you could not keep dating these other guys, you were already leaning toward him but were afraid to crowd him and to also leave yourself potentially open to him hurting you.

You have exactly what most of us are looking for, why are you doubting it? If he is the right guy, there is pretty much nothing you could say to him to scare him away and if he is an adult whom you respect, how could you impose your will on him by letting him know where your feelings lie? I think that leans toward martyr a smidge. By dropping him like a hot potato, you may also put him in the position you intend to take, that he doesn't want to impose on you, blah, blah.

That type of thing starts to sound like a bad romance novel when you will run into him five years from now, but he is not single. Then you run into him 5 years from then, and you are not single, then 10 years later you finally reunite and ride off into the sunset realizing how ridiculous you acted 20 years ago when you were both too chicken to put yourselves out there and see what happened.

Now, doesn't it seem so much better to cut out all those steps there?
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 55
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/27/2009 2:57:36 PM
OP...Just reading your post I have to say that I see a lot of myself in you, when we love we truly love and we give it our best...but is it enough? Is it enough of a return in investment so to speak that we give all our energy to the one person who is inconsistent? I am sure you wouldn't be dating other men if this special guy was giving you what you wanted/deserved..I don't believe he's a bad guy, just a man that may not be ready at this point in time..Should you wait for him? off course you can, but enjoy life at the same time, date other men , the more you date the less likely you are to become attached...this isn't about being a player it's about taking control.

It's a strange phenomenon that as soon as you start dating others and you withdraw your energy from this man, something strange happens.....yep you guessed it..they come's almost as though they sense the lack of energy coming their way...and funny enough I don't believe you will personally have the same strong feelings for this man upon his return...why? Because the more you date, the less attachment you will have...again, it is about taking control. Good luck

Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 56
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You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/27/2009 2:59:30 PM

Women, have you seen this behavior in men you date?

Yep, I too have had first hand experience with such a behaviour. My answer was : time and tide wait for no man
And believe me OP, I have better sleep

'Broken Wings' by Mr. Mister comes to my mind
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 57
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/27/2009 3:11:39 PM

If he felt pressured, he wouldn't be encouraging you to call him whenever you want to talk. There is no reason evident in any of this for you to make this assumption.

From the outside, it seems clear that the only person feeling pressured in this is you; you are both pulling away and pushing him away.

He's told you how he feels. You know he wants you to reciprocate. Yet you leave it up to him some more. What you say you want,

Helen, although I do understand where you're coming from, I am somehow still a firm believer that when a man wants to be with a woman his fears, confusion etc all disappear...And distance from the OP is truly the only way this man is going to wake up! when we're scared enough of losing someone, our confusion disappears in thin air....The only way this man is going to snap out of what he's going through, is a total shock when he feels the umbilical cord is cut….Energy although not seen is felt.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 58
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You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/27/2009 3:25:44 PM

(Msg 23) He is a single parent, has been divorced for ten years, and during the time since his divorce claims he has not had any relationships, just some casual dates. Now that his son is older (15)…… He knows I am dating other people. He has never mentioned dating another woman.

That means his son was around 5 when he divorced. If he was interested in a gal his son would have never known about his dating so I feel we can reasonably conclude his son was not the reason for abstaining from dating 10 years ago. So, why has he abstained from dating for the last 10 years?

When a man distances himself from a woman after working very hard to draw close, her natural instinct is to either think he is full of sh1t, or scared sh1tless.

Reasonable deduction. The question is, “Scared of what?”

(Msg 32) Again I said, "What do you want me to do? If you are feeling pressured , I will keep dating others. If you want me to stop dating , I will stop. " He said, just let me think about it and gave me no answer.

If, after 7 weeks, he isn’t concerned about you dating other men…………..there is a definite problem.

Going back to msg 23 you wrote,
He replied, "You have not done anything wrong. You do everything right. You are everything that I have ever wanted in a woman."

So, you are everything he ever wanted in a woman but doesn’t mind if you date other guys.

You told him,
In our conversations I have made it clear that if I want to cross that line with someone then I have to know that sexual intimacy is not to be taken casually by him, and at the time it would be appropraite for me to stop dating other people. If I wanted to take things to the next level then it would not be an issue to stop dating others. All he would have to do is ask.
but he hasn’t asked.

My hypothesis? He has a sexual problem. If you are everything he ever wanted in a woman he would not be so tolerant about you dating other guys unless he’s hoping he wins out by the process of elimination.

Rather than
(Msg 68) Well, I deleted his number, after giving it to my best friend…………………… I might compose an email to him and tell him about deleting the phone numbers of the other men from my phone……
I suggest you ascertain if that’s the case by whatever means you find appropriate. You may be left holding the bag. (No pun intended.)
Joined: 1/22/2009
Msg: 75
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/27/2009 8:59:38 PM
I'm not sure if it's been addressed yet, but it could just be as simple as him not wanting to smother you. I've been guilty of that myself, and he may just be cautious of not wanting to do the same...
 La Gioconda
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 77
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/27/2009 10:46:00 PM
I agree with you OP, you need to learn to relax and get in touch with yourself. Truly, it sounds like he has a control over you in some intangible way, since you are dating others, but HE is the one you truly want to get to know and go from there. The question is -do you want to date others? or is it only a mere distraction, as you put it earlier, so you can save yourself from yourself. I suggest to spend more time with yourself, and stop focusing on all those men at the same time. Find peace withing, stop dating for a while, until you are comfortable to pick up a pace again. Allow time to pass, write a journal, what are you getting out of a current relationship with a man you care for, are you patient enough to give more time to it? What is your intuition telling you? Are you happy with the way things are. I don't believe in the books that are written, that once we understand the nature of the opposite sex we will be able to navigate more successfully. The point is that those books maybe great in helping us to understand that we (men and women) are not the same and we think differently, but then there is more to the person that just their psychological make up based on gender.
I suggest to let all those men go, and focus on work on yourself. You won't be receiving instant answers from posters, you need to find them yourself. La Gioconda
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 78
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/27/2009 11:05:35 PM

Well, I have learned one thing from all this. That is that all the modern day psycho babble they shove down peoples throats these days, about women should not do this, and men are that, does not apply to 100% of the population. We are each unique unto ourselves.

My behavior in this relationship has definitely been tainted by all the negative people out there that tell you things like don't call a man, if he doesn't call he is not that "in" to you. Listening to this kind of bull is what gets me in trouble in the first place. I really feel this man is a gentle soul. While he has not openly discussed the things that led to his divorce, obviously he has avoided trying to have a meaningful relationship since then. One thing I do know is his son was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 18 months. For two years he was involved in cancer treatment and frequent trips to Children's hospital while his son was being treated. When the marriage ended he ended up with custody of the son, so obviously to me he was the more nurturing parent. The current visitation situation is almost non existent. His son might see his mother one day every month or two an they live in the same city.

I can not imagine what it is like to face a terminal illness in a young child. He and his son are extremely close. His son plays baseball, and every day after work he throws a ball with his son as part of his son's training. He is a devoted father. Any man that can be this nurturing with a child is fully capable of sustaining a relationship with a woman.
The problem is not knowing what he harbors from that failed marriage ten years before. For whatever reason, he has allowed himself to be emotionally vulnerable to me. The times he has made obvious dating faux pax he has been very apologetic, and admits he is not used to dating, and is clueless what is expected of him. I view this man as a diamond in the rough and well worth the time and patience to reveal the precious gem within his soul.

I think all the time he took talking to me all those months before our first date showed his genuine interest in getting to know me. We come from very different backgrounds, I had a positive, loving marriage, he of course came from a failed marriage. We both however have face major health care crises with someone we love.

I do think the times we have not talked can be explained by two obvious things. Before he met me, he had a busy life. He filled his life with work, his son, some hobbies, and responsiblities like maintaining the house, laundry, cooking, yard, and trying to work out at the gym. By his own admission he needs about 30 hours a day to get things done.
The second issue pertains to being gun shy. Not having real experience with a woman in a decade. There is no way this man is a player.

Now if I did what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it, and ignored all the psycho bull being shoved down our throats, I could have avoided all the angst I have felt these past few weeks. If I deliberately avoid calling I get anxious as time passes waiting for him to call. If I call once, his pattern seems to be to call multiple times for several days in a row. When someone on this thread said (and I am telling you how I heard it not the exact words) "Don't be an idiot call him!" that is exactly what I did. I called around five o'clock. We talked about an hour. He was watching the basketball game tonight, and has called me three times, during the breaks between games just so we have a few minutes here and there together. He obviously responds to the encouragement he feels when I demonstrate interest. From here on out I am going to throw out all the
garbage that might work for other couples and go with what seems to work for us.

The one thing I did today that made this entire thread worthwhile, was to delete all the phone numbers in my cell phone of the other men I have spent time with. I want to spend my time with him. The other men are great guys. They deserve more than my second best attention. I need to take away my safety net and take a risk . I have not told him yet that I did this. I feel a new sense of freedom, and no longer feel the urge to call another man when I really should be calling him.

The nay sayers who think he is a player have just managed to piss me off. The supportive posts have just reinforced my feeling that this is a genuinely nice man worth being patient with during his awkward indocrination into the world of relationship. I know I am one hell of a woman, and have a lot to offer a man. I should never have doubted that he was sincere when he said I was everything he ever wanted in a woman. I am going to go with the optimistic posts. The glass is half full

Widowedmom.. . .So good to hear that you finally have clarity within yourself. Life after a divorce, or death of a loved one is one huge roller coaster...You will meet all types and many of them will be nothing more than stepping stones, some will leave imprints on our hearts, whilst others will be mirrors there to reflect on our weakness and strength…

Wishing you all the best
Joined: 12/24/2008
Msg: 79
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You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/27/2009 11:22:58 PM
Since you're still dating other people, he is afraid of getting hurt. That is all there is to it! Contrary to what some women think, guys really do have feelings. Tell him that you really don't want to see other people anymore, because he is the one for you. By you not pressuring him, he is taking it as a sign of you not caring . He really does care for you, it's obvious. Tell him, he is everything you want in a man. He needs you to take the lead. When he draws you in, and leaves, chase after him.
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