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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? o      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Rushâ„¢
Joined: 2/17/2009
Msg: 3
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?Page 1 of 14    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
I agree with the above poster. Men don't always take the initiative. I'm sure there are plenty of women out there, who don't mind stepping up to the plate, ever so often.

It seems to me, that is just yet another, bitter, nice guy thread.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 6
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 10:06:43 AM
To be truthful, usually it's the person who's more invested (who wants it more) who does most of the initiating. If women aren't contacting you, they must not be THAT interested. Although, if you contact them, they may say, "OK, what the heck, I'll give him a shot."

Your choices are to sit back and whine because no one contacts you or to proactively try to get something you want. So far, I see you've chosen unwisely.
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 10
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 10:20:45 AM
I don't buy into generalizations about "why is it always" yada yada.

OP - I think much of what you're presenting to the females is how you see yourself.

I don't think I'd look twice at a man who had a profile name with "innocent" in it. That's just me, and I'm not telling you it's "wrong"

I'm simply saying how women are "seeing you" may have something to do with how you see yourself...and that's not attractive to the women you want to be attracting.
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 14
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 10:38:09 AM
oh okay now I get it....this is throw something on the wall and see what sticks day!

Wonder if I missed the memo?
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 15
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 11:12:19 AM
It's how we have evolved. It's part of our biology. Men have during his lifetime the capacity to procreate a million times. Our sperm indicates to spread and procreate. That is why we are the hunters. Women in the other hand, has a very finite number of eggs that she makes during her whole life, and while a man can impregnate a woman and disappear, the woman cannot. She has a huge vested interest in not only the quality of the seed the may be getting, but the quality of the man that gave her that seed.

What all this means is that a woman is not interested in having sex, she is interested in having sex with the better man, with the better genes. So women are programmed to veto, to be selective. While men are programmed spread his seed, and since he is going to be vetoed, he is programed to pursue and continue to pursue. This also explains why women are not very good at handling rejection, while men , the ones that are successful are good at handling rejection.

So as a man, if you want things to happen, you have to take control and make them happen. Now because men and women, even though are hard wired no different than a primitive man, the needs to survive have changed. We no longer have to hunt, we go out and make a living, pursue sports, surround ourselves with the things that say you are a better provider, a more suitable animal.
And while men pursue, women try to attract males. That is why they sell Victoria's Secret and all that sexy stuff, yet the same does not exist for men.

So dude, get used to pursuing, get exited about pursuing, if not, well, you will get nothing.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 20
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 11:30:31 AM

yeah but it's gets frustrating after you have been rejected many times, and every girl that I have been interested in has a boyfriend already. I am not very outgoing, it seems my only options for meeting and socializing with girls are on the Internet, Bars, Clubs, and at school, I go to community college.


Frustrating?


Have you ever heard the term, every NO will get you closer to a Yes. So if you realize that every rejection will teach you something, every rejection is indeed a victory that will take you closer to a YES.

Also realize that most women you will ever meet is either getting out of a relationship or starting one. So even when you meet a girl that has a boyfriend. Just be nice to her. YOu don't have to pursue her, but she may be available down the road. And what you need to do is to get in a mode of pursuit with everybody. So you meet a grandma, and you are nice to her, you even flirt in a polite way. You keep doing this to the point that it doesn't matter, to the point that you don't even then work really hard at that chic that you actually like, but just treated her nice, then ignored her, then talked to her again. So you remove the pressure of rejection and suddenly you are going to find that there are girls that are "secretly attracted to you".

Anyway, it's an attitude. Nurture it.
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 27
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 11:57:40 AM
ok this isn't really a discussion, this is a "why not me?" thread. It's about complaining and bemoaning your own personal situation - which really should have been deleted much earlier in the day....but the reality of what your intent was...wasn't clear to most of the posters until too late.

If only we could NOW vote to delete. But alas, we cannot.

OP - you need to examine some of the things you're writing and doing here on your own.

You aren't listening to what others are saying.

You're wanting to complain about how it's NEVER you. Well, that won't work. And it will still NEVER be you if that's all you do. Men aren't playing games you don't know the rules to. Women aren't either. This is life. Live it. Move on. Do your thing. Stop obsessing on how you aren't ever good enough and maybe you will be.

Ick. Bad taste in my mouth now.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 34
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 12:21:41 PM

He smiled, he was nice to his kid, he was very open,


Not to change the subject since the OP is beginning to bore me with his pity party. But I have to say this KayleyCat. I have an awesome girlfriend. Her 4 and 5 year old children have become pretty much my children. So I take them to the park, or the grocery store, or I love to take them to the Farmer's market. And I just can't believe how much I get hit on by women. It's unbelievable. I couldn't believe it how much women get turned on by a man with his children.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 38
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 12:28:33 PM

Thats the reason why I don't like doing the pursuing, because I am still single,


Do you realize how ridiculous this sounds?

So if you were with someone, then you would do the pursuing?

Wouldn't that then be considered cheating?
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 44
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 1:57:15 PM

All the Women that have made first contact with me, took the initiative, chased after me, were not my type.


Okay, your problem according to you is that you do not have good social skills. You do not know how to approach women. Yet here is an awesome chance to learn and you discard it. You are indeed the victim of your own actions. If instead you use this opportunity to learn what women are all about it would be much better for you.

When I first came to this country, I realize that women here liked to be approached completely differently than women in South America, where men tend to be more of a gentleman and women expect men to do all type of things for them. It landed me Zero women. So what did I do? First of all, I had my guy friends, but began to develop a friendship with a lot of women. So I would be at a party and all these women would come to me kiss me, say hello, we tease and then go. They were not my girlfriends, they were friends. But something odd began to happen, new girls began to say that I was a player. They even dared that to my face. And I would tell them, no, they are just my friends. So one thing lead to another and after a while not only did I had female friends, but many of them slept with me.

So start with what you got. Also remember it doesn't matter who you like, in the end, it has to be a reciprocal thing, they have to want you as well. You got the tools right in front of you, start there.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 46
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 2:04:11 PM

did it never take these guys practice?


Good grief, man get a hold of yourself!!

It takes practice. It means you fall down on your face, you get up, you fall on your face again, you get up and one say not only do you stick the landing, but you begin to soar.
 celts123
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 48
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 3:27:29 PM
Some women will initiate things. But I think men are generally more likely to due to various reasons. Some women are shy / passive. Some women are afraid of rejection. Some women think a man wouldn't like a woman initiating things.
 matchlight
Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 66
view profile
History
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 4/1/2009 12:05:09 AM
Did you women who ridiculed or lectured this guy here need to kick him when he's down? I hope you haven't been taking lesson from the inconsiderate guys many of you love to complain about, but what I see's not a very pretty picture. He sounds like he's got a serious problem--whether this was the right place to air it or not, he's asking for help. Watch out you never have a serious problem yourself--you may find people ridiculing you, too.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 71
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 4/1/2009 10:52:31 AM

Yeah well it's frustrating when you don't know how to get a girlfriend and don't know how to take the initiative. I don't know what I am doing wrong when it comes to talking to women.


Dude, your constant pity party is not going to help you get you a girlfriend. You take this attitude to any girl and you are going to turn her off immediately. If you want to know what to do read the post on the forums about how to pick up women. How to generate Attraction. This are things that you are not born with it. You learn them. They are no different that turning a whimp into a MARINE. It's doable. It's done all the time. Second, stop being so negative. Negative begets negative. Wallow in your pity party and before you know it you are 40 and you have not gotten laid. Think of something positive, like yeah, you had some women ACTUALLY approach you. Not your type, but that is something positive. And last, turn off your computer and go out there. Take a risk. Accept rejection as part of reality.
 matchlight
Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 73
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History
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 4/1/2009 11:29:20 AM
I read an interesting article recently about some studies of dating that have been done. The results of one group of studies supported the conclusion that whoever takes the initiative (this was assumed to be the man) has an advantage. A man can choose to approach any of the available women. The ones he finds most desirable may reject him, but he can still choose his most desirable woman from those who don't.

A woman, though, doesn't have the same freedom of choice. She can't directly try her luck with her most desired men. She has to wait and choose the most desirable man from the ones who've approached her. She can only hope this group includes her most desired men--but it may not.

I don't know the details of the probability math the experimenters used, and I wouldn't try to explain it if I did. I just thought it was interesting. for the reasons I tried to sketch out. On average, it seems that the person who gets to choose from everyone available comes closer to ending up with just what they want than someone who only gets to choose from the people who have already chosen them.
 fancynanci
Joined: 8/21/2007
Msg: 74
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Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 4/1/2009 11:33:41 AM
I prefer it that way. I want to be the one pursued, not the one pursuing.
 *buzz*
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 75
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Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 4/1/2009 12:22:24 PM
Hmmm ... I think that the guys do enjoy a bit of stretching and enticing. As far as I can remember pursuing brings tingles to both parties
 *buzz*
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 83
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Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 4/2/2009 12:36:20 PM

However when women get approached or asked out by men, it's usually by men who they like and desire.

I suppose there is a good element of truth in the above statement because for a man taking that further step as to ask and pursue ... some hints ~ vibes ... hmmm ... scent of a woman prompt him into action.

Therefore the pursuing is a very fragile confirmation that both parties are on the same page.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 85
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 8/17/2009 4:06:45 PM
Bong Guy.

Would it hurt you to just sit back and take in what people have to say? There are 4 pages of posts now and you have taken up roughly 2 pages saying the same thing Over and Over and Over again.

I'm sure more people would have offered suggestions had you shown some openess to listen to what they have to say. I know I'm not going to bother. (anymoe than I just did)

Anyone have any advil?
 letus256
Joined: 7/20/2009
Msg: 87
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Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 8/18/2009 9:11:16 AM

Whatever, I still think Women have it easier.


Good on em! I say!

Farout mate sounds like you want to have a little crying time!
 heartseekertrue
Joined: 6/24/2008
Msg: 89
The guy who HAS to pursue but doesnt want to...doesnt get it
Posted: 8/26/2009 6:33:32 AM

fancynanci on 4/1/2009 241 PM
I prefer it that way. I want to be the one pursued, not the one pursuing.


Confirming you are desirable, and proving if the pursuer is capable...

Thats why (most) women purtify so much...
and most roosters-ERRR-men- crow so loud and strut their physique...
all in one way or another.
 heartseekertrue
Joined: 6/24/2008
Msg: 94
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 8/26/2009 10:11:23 AM

how it is in the animal world

Very true in the natural world. Plants, insects, reptiles, birds, mammals....
One swings, and bats, one catches.
Male penetrates.
Female accepts. or not...

In the human realm...he can fail to pursue (desensitized vomeronasal glands? hypogonadal? Social castration? Family of origin failure? Male imprinting failure?
myriad of plausible/probable/potential causes)
..He can pursue, and be rebuffed/fail to copulate
...He can pursue, and potentially procreate...
OR
she can fail to be aroused, (hes not "worthy" or "capable" in her discernment? Biological failure? Hypotestosteronism? Societal or peer pressures? headache?..? )
she can be aroused, but deny ( her right, for her own reasons, she doesn't have to tell you)
she can be aroused and permit...potentially fulfilling the biological procreative drive.
 Luciana9
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 95
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 8/26/2009 11:32:37 AM
Because these are "old rules" which women don't want to change. Also, who wouldn't say "no" to a free dinner?
 PirateJohn09
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 100
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Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 4/2/2010 6:16:31 PM
My last gf not only did the pursuing but spent a month chasing me. At first I wasn't interested, though I did consider her a good friend, but eventually she won out. I jumped in with both feet and never regretted it.
 canoga77
Joined: 5/25/2008
Msg: 101
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 4/2/2010 8:50:42 PM
The answer is simple: women hate rejection. Most of the responses you read in this thread telling you to "man up" and "find your balls" confirm it. The problem is always you, never women. You will always be a whiner and a malcontent for complaining about it.

The same women who harp about equal pay and equal rights will never address leveling the playing field when it comes to dating and relationships, because the status quo serves them so well.

Deep down guys hate rejection, too. It's not foreign to us, though; it's something we've been conditioned to just deal with.
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