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 Mountain Geek
Joined: 2/5/2009
Msg: 3
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What motivates you to look for a relationship?Page 1 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

the question is what is the motivation is that is strong enough to actually invest the considerable time and effort involved, in meeting and dating in the real world?


OK -- legit question.

Everyone will have their own answer to this question but if you take it a bit farther you might find out that the effort is well spent if you are not trying to get laid and are trying to meet a woman for a relationship -- which starts out as friends and progresses from there.

Here's the formula:

Dating to get laid = Nada.
Dating for relationship = somewhere.

Pretty simple huh?
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 6
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What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 3/31/2009 7:34:17 PM
I'm really not that motivated!

I mainly just hang out in the forums.....
if by chance.....an interesting man should intrigue me enough.....I will go out on a date!
If the date goes well......then I'll go out with him again!

I really don't try to overthink it!
 BrownEyedLeo
Joined: 1/5/2006
Msg: 8
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What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 3/31/2009 7:46:02 PM
Because I am sure some poor man out there in this pond of fishies really needs me in his life ! I owe it to him to find him and convince him I am the one he has been looking for!
And I won't bother to say that much about my Co-Dependency issues !!
Ok... I will be the honest woman I am and admit it..... I am addicted to the forums !
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 9
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What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 3/31/2009 7:46:31 PM
So you want to know if we date so we can have sex?
Nope!
I date so I can hopefully find someone to share my life with.
 matchlight
Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 12
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What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 3/31/2009 8:37:04 PM

As for the equation, no "sex" is not part of the love equation. Intimacy, making love, closeness, friendship are all a part of love.


You lost me there. Sex is not part of love, but "making love" is? I know it's pretty common to make that distinction, but it seems to me the difference is imaginary. If I feel affection, intimacy, love for a lady, I'm going to want to have sex with her. I don't think of that as a distant, emotionless exercise, but erotic love.
 charliegirl65
Joined: 6/29/2008
Msg: 14
What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 3/31/2009 9:01:42 PM
I'm not here out of desperation. I don't need a man to define who I am.I'm under 50 and am looking for companionship. I'm take this POF with a grain of salt. I'm looking to find someone that I'm compatable with. I don't have a problem meeting men or talking to men. It's just the quality of men that I meet are not what I'm looking for...I usually let them know upfront, not bein mean or malitious.

I may meet him here or out there. The computer is just a tool I use to broaden my horizons.
So, what drives me to be here. I''m looking for my opposite sex to play with, dosent' mean I'm a player, it just means that I like to have fun.
 WanderingRain
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 16
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What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 3/31/2009 9:16:12 PM
simple.
To have someone to care about and dote on again.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 18
What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/1/2009 6:54:30 AM

A lot of people seem to believe that great sex evolves out of intimacy and loyalty and affection, but I think it can go both ways -- it's very possible to have intimacy and loyalty and affection evolve out of great sex.

Tuezday, my feelings exactly.
 *buzz*
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 20
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What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/1/2009 12:38:13 PM
Chemistry between two people ... and to share similar interests ... get excited about the same sorts of things ... and be there for each other through thick and thin
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 23
What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/1/2009 5:19:58 PM

It would seem, at least from the POF fora, that different people have very different motivations in dating. While everyone would like to "have it all”, the question is what is the motivation is that is strong enough to actually invest the considerable time and effort involved, in meeting and dating in the real world?

My life would have to be at peace. No problems, no worries, content, nothing is amiss, bills are paid, I have a decent amount of free time - and then someone actually walks past me that makes me really want to go after it. Either of those are missing, and I can take it or leave it.

For me, it's fairly simple. My “instinctual need” to date rises from sex drive. No, that doesn't mean “just sex”, because when I'm “into” someone, I want to spend a lot of time together, and inevitably that leads to “doing stuff together. However, the concept of dating for some extended period of time as “friends without benefits” would leave me disinterested, and content to spend time with friends and alone.

That would be a reason to pursue it too, if it wasn't so easy to conventiently arrange without all the extra hassle of dating.

For others, it would seem, that “companionship” is what motivates them, with sex as secondary, or perhaps, unimportant.

Yeah it's the opposite for me, but I suppose some would seek someone to hang out with (besides friends, family, co-workers, aquaintances, and the 100 other people you could do that with as well) as a priority.

There seems to be another whole group of people “online”, who seem perfectly content to have “virtual relationships” and never meet at all.

Yeah, this could be me as well. Mostly cause I have a pretty busy social life and enough to do, and talking to people here is only something to do while I am either killing time between other things, or while working on the computer.

So, the question is, what motivates you to be here, on a dating site, and what “drives” you to date in the real world, or are you interested in dating at all?

Entertainment motivates me here, I'd rather date in the real world than online, but only when I see someone who I find interesting/attractive enough will it even dawn on me that I'd actually want to, and then only if it continued to be worth the effort.
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 34
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What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/4/2009 10:23:04 AM
When I found myself talking out loud to my cat about all the things running through my head...lol...and he would just sit there and look at me with his big green eyes...

To love and be loved...to share my life. Most really cool things, in my eyes, are sooo much better when shared...

I don't think I separate companionship and sex as motivators...they both motivate me, and I am not looking to necessarily find one and then move to the other...more like I'm hoping they develop quite synchronously if that makes any sense..more like a natural flow..neither one alone is anything I am looking for at the moment, because I have lots of options for both already.

Maybe it is just me, but , I find I can deal with the sexual urges, when not involved, by just keeping them in the background until I meet someone I am compelled to bring them to the forefront for..which includes turn ons on all levels, not just the physical ones...
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 35
What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/4/2009 10:27:33 AM
Companionship and sex.
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 37
What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/4/2009 12:38:57 PM

What motivates you to look for a relationship?


I don't think I'm all that motivated at all. It's not disinterest or even laziness. I think I just figure that the more I look, the less likely I am to find it.


A lot of people seem to believe that great sex evolves out of intimacy and loyalty and affection, but I think it can go both ways -- it's very possible to have intimacy and loyalty and affection evolve out of great sex.


It certainly happens a lot. To me anyway.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 45
What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/7/2009 7:27:43 PM


Companionship motivates the over 50s

I would not be so absolute certain sure of that m'dear. . . .

 elsbethlette
Joined: 3/18/2009
Msg: 47
What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/8/2009 7:31:03 PM
I always get the urge to get to know a man right around income tax time. Have no idea why.

I don't really look for a relationship. More a friendship. Someone I can LIKE. Someone who might LIKE me.

Tough to find in a single male.
 White_Scorpion
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 49
What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/9/2009 5:36:20 PM
I might have a slightly different response. Still analyzing my thoughts to be sure though.

Intellectual pursuits and the desire to learn seem to be an overarching driving force for me in life. The desire to learn about and to understand relationships provides the stimulus needed for me to get off my rear and date.

My last girlfriend told me that I showed her two primary emotions: passion and drive (hey, it was a short relationship). Before I was 25, I did not seek out dating or a relationship. I wanted sex for sure, but was too lazy to go out and take it. My roommate summed it up perfectly when he stated that I just didn't care. Apathy was the word of the day. From an external perspective, I could see firsthand all the issues that came up in relationships and it seemed like it just wasn't worth it just to have sex.

The primal urge for sexual intimacy is likely the first thing that I noticed, but I think of it as an urge that is closely tied to emotions. It is something I felt and feel, but for years didn't act on directly. Intimately, I am a giver and my preference is to do what I can to make a woman happy. I noticed at an early age that doing so in my imagination is nowhere near as rewarding as doing so with a woman in real life. So the desire to make a woman happy on an intimate and intellectual level is quite strong for me.

In addition, I have been fortunate or foolhardy enough to take the time to fidlde around with my hormones enough to learn a thing or two. I found that when I lowered my normally high sex drive, I had far less interest in dating. An expected outcome. I chose to do it in such a way that I also moved most negative emotions out of the way temporarily (lowered estrogen levels). When I did so, I realized I was quite happy alone and that pure companionship was not a strong driver for me. I want and need companionship, but a little goes a long way. I don't need to be physically close to someone or even to talk to my closest friends at all. The bond is strong enough without need for reassurance.

Anyhow, that is my perspective and I am sure it will evolve over time as I learn more about myself.
 jaqi
Joined: 2/2/2008
Msg: 50
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What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/19/2009 8:25:47 AM
I have to be honest and say that I have no idea what I want now.... I have been single about 4 years and have to say I really enjoy it...I have put on my profile that I think I am ready for something long term but if it doesn't happen along in the next 4 years I am not going to be bitterly disappointed. I never feel lonely even though I live alone.

It feels really good to be enjoying my own company after all these years of 'needing' a man in my life and couldn't contemplate jumping in to a relationship just for the sake of having that man there and certainly not because I want physical intimacy ~ I am long past the point where I worry about what people think of me so having a good sex session out of a relationship is fine with me.

I suppose what motivates me to keep looking is that there are some things that are nicer to do with someone else rather than on your own so I have stated that I am looking for an activity partner . I love meeting face to face and do that fairly regularly but as yet haven't met anyone that really floats my boat or that I could envisage spending copious amounts of time with. I will continue to meet and make friends and maybe that 'special' smiley active guy will happen along.

Also I am such a firm believer in not mixing business with pleasure so although I work in a largely male environment I won't date any of the men... I rarely meet men I want to date on the dancing scene... I am treated as one of the lads in my gym (which is just how I like it) and I am not in to night clubs so for me the net has opened such an avenue to meet some really genuine people that I wouldn't ordinarily meet.... and YES there are some very nice genuine guys out there!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 56
What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/26/2009 8:18:57 AM
I'm not motivated to look, or search, or hunt or any of that - but will be motivated to consider it only when someone crosses my path that trips my hormones AND my brain at the same time, and intrigues me to want to know more.

I've been single a long time, so not only am I used to it - I appreciate it. I don't see what being single a long time has to do with needing companionship. Sex is nice within a relationship, but can be handled separately if necessary. Wanting to share things with someone is only relevant to whoever I meet and end up involved with. Without a person in mind, wanting to share my life/dreams/whatever with "someone" is a silly concept.

*shrug*
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 58
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What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/26/2009 11:37:08 AM


What motivates you to look for a relationship?


One thing: the right man.


Well, I would answer, "the right woman." seem appropriate, but there is more. For me, coming from a fundamental Christian world view I was struck by the following:


I am also motivated out of loneliness .. and motivated out of a need for sex as well!


I have never shied away from stating that I want and need a lover. I can get all the companionship I want, albeit transient and in the scheme of things somewhat temporary; but through church and para-church activities, social gatherings, I have close friends and companions, some with whom I do feel safe enough to expose and discuss inner thoughts. Some, to a greater extent than I ever did with MOMS (mother of my son).

But, and this is the crux of the issue, I am uncomfortable with the idea of sex outside of marriage. So for me I want and need a woman who shares a similar foundation, is looking also for a lover, but recognizes that before we were to get that far those fundamental elements would also have to be present.

What scares the hell out of me ( and that's a good thing, isn't it?) is a woman who's primary focus is that of companionship. I want that too, but if that is the woman's primary focus, I am fearful that she and I are not motivated by the same passions. Been there, done that, burned the t-shirt.

TK
{recognizing that an empty nest can be very empty}
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 67
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What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 5/5/2009 1:57:20 AM
i'm a romantic and a realist. both motivate me. i'm also an extrovert, an only child, and still have lots of passion and sensuality in me. plus, i like to talk to my man at nite while we are gently falling off to sleep and also to snuggle and giggle with my partner and share our secrets and dreams, as well as confide our pain. screwing around just doesn't do it for me. i guess i'm a complicated woman who seeks simplicity and intelligent life on this planet, before i float to the above! in my mind, negative experiences and perspectives motivate people to "not" seek a relationship. some give up too soon and don't have faith. the positive in me seeks to relate. i do believe i will be well matched. just don't know with whom, where or when. well, that's just me. i believed in my business. at age 34, i achieved what was supposed to be impossible. same with adopting my kids at age 50 and finding my lymes when i was misdiagnosed and using a wheelchair back then at times when i could barely stand. so, now over ten years later, why not this too? i'm just not a quitter.

ren, you said way back in this thread you thought sexuality and friendship equals love. i have learned this is not true, from my past three year relationship. for many, love is too risky--they fear to project and really are not confident in their own decison making or self esteem. my ex "relationship" cried when i left him, after all the time i gave him slack to "evolve". i know he misses me even now. but, how can he love me, when he doesn't even love himself? we were great sexual partners and the best of friends. i've never had such great physical chemistry dashed by such negativity as time went on. to him, love is a feeling. he wasn't feeling so good, in general. it had nothing to do with me, i now know for sure.

to me, at a certain point beyond the initial bonding, love forms "attachment". this is chemically documented as well. he was amiss in the neurotransmitters department. chalk it to experience and add willingness and the chutzpah (!) to grow both individually and apart-- and to have the capability for teamwork!
 TOMic bomb
Joined: 10/5/2008
Msg: 68
What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 5/8/2009 4:19:47 PM
what motivates me is that i feel that with the right woman i can help make their life AND MINE happier.
 sunseeker
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 69
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What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 5/8/2009 5:52:59 PM
Everyone is looking for different reasons. Some probably are here just for companionship. It is work to do this and maybe they're scared or tired or have no self esteem. Some people have been battered in previous relationships and need to take things slow at first to learn to trust. Sex can complicate matters. It's great but once you cross into that plain- there are different expectations.

Some are here to feed their mid life crisis and see how many people they can sleep with soo they feel macho or desirable or whatever.

Some lost their one true love and feel they won't find that again- but they're lonely and miss the companionship or conversation of the opposite sex.

There are lots of reasons people are here.
 sunseeker
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 70
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What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 5/8/2009 5:56:31 PM
It's not always that way. With some women they would rather have some other quality time spent with them also to build that emotional connection- otherwise it's like having sex with your brother or dorm mate or something more impersonal. Call it foreplay or just communication.
 MyFunIsAnArtForm
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 71
What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 5/8/2009 10:46:45 PM
I don't hate to say it but most seem like there internet dating junkies more than looking for friends or dating.
 rockondon
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 80
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What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 5/17/2009 6:35:59 PM
carpal tunnel syndrome
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