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Show ALL Forums  > Sex and Dating  > How to measure your D ick the correct way..      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 That_girl*
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 1
How to measure your D ick the correct way..Page 1 of 15    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
OK upfront no i did not personally write this but i saw it on another womans profile on another site her name will be left out,,anyhow thought it was too good to skip so i wanted to pass the info along..God knows some of yal need the extra pointers an help.
ENJOY!

an she starts out saying:

You've all seen it ,all these men claiming that their c ock is "long and thick" but their pictures certainly don't agree.

In my past, I had A FEW boyfriends who were truly hung, really well endowed. I'm talking about 9 to 10 inches. However, in truth, MOST MEN are simply AVERAGE -- that's the quintessential meaning of the word, and the measure of the word is 5, 6 or 7 inches.
You will not believe the way some men come up with some truly insane and inaccurate ways to measure their c ocks.
Here are some facts and guidelines for measuring.
Don't cheat guys.

First, LENGTH.

Men say things like "My c ock is long and thick" and that's just as true as "I can eat p ussy all night long." Give it a F UCKING REST!! The ONLY valid way to measure your d ick length is to take an old-fashioned wooden school ruler, place it flat on TOP of your d ick, and push it into your pelvis as far as you can, or until you draw blood. Looking down from above, where your d ick ends is how long your d ick is.

Read it and weep. It does not get any longer than that. If you know what "parallax error" is, then you know that this actually makes your d ick measure a quarter inch longer than it really is.

Now, you uncut unlucky sons of b itches, you're a special case. Your prepuce DOES NOT COUNT for your d ick length. If you're really ignorant, "prepuce" is your foreskin, the male anatomical part most commonly regarded as the most repugnant, rejectable, and disposable part of a man. Besides his personality.
Do NOT measure your prepuce as being part of your d ick length. When you have your d ick inside your f uck partner, your prepuce always slides back, so the only length they can feel is from your urethral opening and back. Your uncut d ick is a d ick and not a fin fish as defined in the Texas Parks and Wildlife Fishing and Hunting Regulations. Pinching a fin-fish's tail to make it long enough to keep is not the same as pinching your prepuce to make your d ick long enough to f uck. Remember fellas. You carry a d ick, you are not a game fish, so skin it before you measure it.

For length, use the school ruler method. If you are actually longer than a 12-inch ruler, you should either say "12 inches plus" or else get a God d amn yardstick from the sewing store. And don't forget to call me.

Using a carpenter's tape measure does NOT count. If it did, you would be hooking the end of the tape in your ass hole and measuring your d ick that way. For those trying this at home, YOUR SICK KINK DOES NOT COUNT!!

Next, GIRTH.

Girth is a technical term that means "How big around it is." I know I've been using a lot of technical terms here. Get over it. Get a dictionary. And NO, that is NOT a book that tells you how large your p enis is, except a few of you have your pictures next to words like "inflated" "exaggerated" "mendacity" and "fraud." And -- I left out "laughable" and "miniscule."

The only accurate way to measure the girth of your d ick is with a flexible tape measure, the kind you can get at the sewing or craft store or can borrow from your "gay-clothing-designer" best friend. You measure your girth by wrapping the tape measure around the AVERAGE-SIZED part of the shaft of your c ock. And you cannot measure the "width" of your c ock, because c ocks are oval-shaped in cross-section and not all proportionately equal in width by depth. Girth counts. Please don't say that your d ick girth is how WIDE it is, because if your d ick were that wide it would not be your penis, it would be the tail of a beaver.

And when you measure girth, wrap the tape just one time. Got that? One time. If you have one of those mushroom-headed c ocks, DO NOT say your d ick girth is the circumference of your mushroom head. That's a f ucking lie, and you know it. If there's an inch difference between your mushroom head and its supporting structure, and if you think it matters, report both numbers separately. I've been told that some d ick recipients like a big-ass d ick head and a slender shaft to push it in and out. In this case, accurate reporting will get you more asses that actually want YOUR individual d ick.

AVERAGE:

To give you an idea of what's "average," Six inches are considered "average." This is what we girls mostly get. Therefore, as long as the d ick owner has a clue of what he's doing, it usually works. If he does not know, then d ick length is totally irrelevant because he's a lousy f uck, no matter what. I don't know if women prefer larger, average, or smaller c ocks but I do know that p ussies can stretch a lot more than rectums, so at least in theory, a p ussy can fit a huge d ick better than a rectum can. Therefore your a ss-pounding mileage may vary.

If your c ock is shorter than average, you may have to work on having a nice personality and good sexual techniques. Whatever you do, just don't lie. We are not blind. We can see you have a tiny d ick. Be a nice person and a good lover, or get used to j acking off. J acking off ALL THE TIME.

As far as girth, do note that "average" girth is proportional to length. Work out the numbers yourself. I am not in the business of measuring thousands of d icks to determine "average" girth, or "average" girth vs. length.
But here are a couple of numbers to make you shut your mouth.

A standard 12 oz beer can (Miller, Bud, NOT Coors) is approximately 8 inches in girth. So if you claim to have a "beer can d ick" you better be close to this. Also remember that a standard 12 oz beer can is only 4 3/4 inches tall / long. That means that your "beer can" d ick is nearly 20% shorter than average, and too fat to use. Don't believe me? In the privacy of your own home, try wrapping your lips around a beer can.

Next measure, a toilet paper roll. The toilet paper roll is just shy of 5 1/2 inches in girth. Again, in the privacy of your own home, maybe the next time you're sitting on the toilet j acking off (that may be right now for some of you), see if you can put your d ick inside the toilet paper roll. If you can, then your d ick girth is LESS than 5 1/2 inches.
I won't offer any smaller standards for d ick girth comparison, because some of you might get your feelings hurt.

I will finish with this -- DO NOT use a p enis pump when you measure, unless you use the same p enis pump every time you show your erection to another person. That should be a much greater embarrassment to you than knowing your d ick isn't as big around as a beer can and you don't need a yardstick to see how long it is.

Now guys, you really need to QUIT LYING and MEASURE UP to the truth. Whether you have a big c ock or a pencil d ick, there are enough people in the world who want different sizes of d icks that you will have NO trouble getting a ss. For those who have lied to me about how big your c ock is, you are nothing but a d ick with a small d ick.
 aeroman444
Joined: 1/20/2009
Msg: 2
How to measure your D ick the correct way..
Posted: 4/17/2009 12:46:17 PM
Long and thick now that's a****br>
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 3
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History
How to measure your D ick the correct way..
Posted: 4/17/2009 12:57:46 PM
What is "average"? Well, here are the medically validated statistics (a dash - means no measurement for flaccid length):

Penis Size Around The World

Country, Flaccid Length (inches), Erect Length (inches)

United States 3.4 5.0
Germany - 5.6
Spain - 5.3
France 4.7 6.2 (vive la France! lol)
Japan 3.1 5.1
Brazil - 4.8
Italy 3.9 5.9
Venezuela 3.7 5.0
Mexico - 5.9
Greece - 4.8
India - 4.0
Saudi Arabia - 4.9
Chile - 5.5
Colombia 3.5 5.4
Korea (1) 2.7 3.7
Korea (2*) - 6.1

* from a study conducted on a college campus by The Korean Consumer Protection Board
 luvs2laugh78
Joined: 3/3/2008
Msg: 4
How to measure your D ick the correct way..
Posted: 4/17/2009 1:09:18 PM
LOL! This gave me a chuckle thanks for posting!
 That_girl*
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 5
How to measure your D ick the correct way..
Posted: 4/17/2009 1:30:35 PM
o come on this thread is already up for being deleted i guess all the below average guys an men who do an have lied about thier d ick size are getting angry...ive seen way more pointless threads on here that are like 13 pages long,, some titles included do humans get stuck when they have sex, or "can anybody tell me how many women will swallow who does an who doesnt, an the famous why dont women like to swallow,or just today does a woman's nipples always get hard when turned on? i mean come on really its already 2 pages long, etc etc the list goes on an on.. atleast this is helpful info to some hopefully
 kantc
Joined: 4/14/2009
Msg: 6
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History
How to measure your D ick the correct way..
Posted: 4/17/2009 2:54:55 PM
A real man never has to bragg!
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 7
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How to measure your D ick the correct way..
Posted: 4/17/2009 2:56:17 PM
Thanks Girl, I laughed so damn hard the neighbor came to my door to see what was the matter....

No worries, as one of Jack Nicoles famous movie scene shouting " YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!!"

 ramrodguy
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 8
How to measure your D ick the correct way..
Posted: 4/17/2009 3:20:58 PM
Thanks for the tips on measuring. Okay then...I'm 7.25 inches, and in case you were wondering and thought it was impossible, my jaws are muscular and my tongue is wild! I can actually eat **** all night long so there!
 carelesswhisper00
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 9
How to measure your D ick the correct way..
Posted: 4/17/2009 4:13:04 PM
What a great post!!! I could never measure a man by his enormous penis, or lack thereof, but I can say I don't like em small.
 ~rain~
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 10
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How to measure your D ick the correct way..
Posted: 4/17/2009 4:36:10 PM
oh my goodness!! that was brilliant!

thank you so m uch for sharing!!!
 HarDayKnight
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 11
How to measure your D ick the correct way..
Posted: 4/17/2009 5:44:27 PM
That's great! I love it. We can't have enough man bashing threads around here. Woo-Hoo!


Do you know how insecure a lot of men are about this issue? There are even guys with larger than average equipment who think they are too small. Making fun of them is very insensitive, and frankly, quite ugly. If this were a fat girl thread, and had the same undertones of ridicule, it would be deleted and tickets to banned camp handed out.



Back to our regularly scheduled programming... Enjoy.



BTW... I thought we were supposed to measure from the ground. I just gained a few inches.
 867love
Joined: 3/16/2006
Msg: 12
How to measure your D ick the correct way..
Posted: 4/17/2009 6:14:07 PM
wow, sounds like the o/p has an axe to grind...
doesn't matter how big your dump truck is -your never gonna fill in the grand canyon.
gee -i wonder how many guys are going to end up in the emergency room tonight with paper cuts...
 ForeverLong
Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 13
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How to measure your D ick the correct way..
Posted: 4/17/2009 7:26:34 PM
I've been measuring it the right way all these years. No shrinkage detected and happy with what I have!
 HarDayKnight
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 14
How to measure your D ick the correct way..
Posted: 4/17/2009 9:51:55 PM

Seriously though... most people found this post good for a laugh... a couple took it as a hardcore bash... hmmmmm....I wonder why??? LOL


Ummm. Because it is? (And most of the people that found it funny were women.) I've been here long enough to see the double standard of what's acceptable posting. The implication that you made would have been enough to bring down the ax if this were a joke at the expense of women. Anywhere else, I would have just laughed and made a wisecrack back in the same vein toward women. Here, that would end in me being banned for a while, while you "ladies" continue to laugh it up.

I'm sure I could create a thread that would crack-up 90% of the men here, while infuriating 90% of the women. Not that this is infuriating to me, just sad. Women have so many issues they are sensitive about. The one issue that really bothers a lot of men, is the one that some "women" find the most glee in exploiting. And for the record, I don't like it because cruelty is the most unattractive trait a person can exhibit. It's just plain ugly.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 15
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How to measure your D ick the correct way..
Posted: 4/17/2009 11:25:21 PM
ChinaBull, there are a LOT of tongue and cheek stuff both men and women write...

THIS IS tongue and cheek, and the OP didn't write it, just thought it was funny.

Apparently you have a sensitivity issue about it, and that is fine... Women with small boobies haven't had a lot of fun in their life with the itty bitty titty jokes.. Blonds (raises hand) have had to hear beyond endless insults against their hair color...

Another guy posted about a dump truck not filling the grand canyon...

It was a joke... and as jokes go, there can be casualties, because it strikes to close to home......

Remember men are just as good as exploiting womens weakness and call it in the name of fun...

If this post was meant DIRECTLY at someone person, then absolutely ban away....

To me it is probably as tasteless as the one where men can say they understand why OJ did what he did...
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 16
How to measure your D ick the correct way..
Posted: 4/17/2009 11:29:07 PM

place it flat on TOP of your d ick, and push it into your pelvis as far as you can, or until you draw blood. Looking down from above, where your d ick ends is how long your d ick is.

I didn't realize I was supposed to push the ruler back. That's great. Now I need to get a yardstick.
 boinkboinkboink
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 17
How to measure your D ick the correct way..
Posted: 4/18/2009 7:12:08 AM
I once had a woman call me a big D ick. I don't think she intended it as a compliment.
 HarDayKnight
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 18
How to measure your D ick the correct way..
Posted: 4/18/2009 8:24:22 AM

ChinaBull, there are a LOT of tongue and cheek stuff both men and women write...

THIS IS tongue and cheek, and the OP didn't write it, just thought it was funny.

Apparently you have a sensitivity issue about it, and that is fine... Women with small boobies haven't had a lot of fun in their life with the itty bitty titty jokes.. Blonds (raises hand) have had to hear beyond endless insults against their hair color...

Another guy posted about a dump truck not filling the grand canyon...

It was a joke... and as jokes go, there can be casualties, because it strikes to close to home......

Remember men are just as good as exploiting womens weakness and call it in the name of fun...

If this post was meant DIRECTLY at someone person, then absolutely ban away....

To me it is probably as tasteless as the one where men can say they understand why OJ did what he did...


I myself have been banned for a lot less than this, in the name of fun. (I was banned for using too many emoticons once. ) My objection is the double standard, more than the subject matter. Besides, the last time I checked, this isn't the humor forum. And I like the way people make assumptions about me, based on my objection to the thread. That's the way it usually goes, and based on the subject matter, I can see why mean spirited women would go there. Any man that doesn't agree with something must be shamed and insulted until he goes away. And that is usually just fine, too.




If this post was meant DIRECTLY at someone person, then absolutely ban away....


Apparently you have a sensitivity issue about it, and that is fine... Women with small boobies haven't had a lot of fun in their life with the itty bitty titty jokes.. Blonds (raises hand) have had to hear beyond endless insults against their hair color...




That seems to be a personal attack to me. Don't worry though, you're well protected around here. I doubt you'll have to worry about a ban. I suppose this the point where I defend my penis size, but on the internet, we can all have 10 inches. That would be pointless.
 tallshyman
Joined: 1/1/2008
Msg: 19
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How to measure your D ick the correct way..
Posted: 4/18/2009 9:14:05 AM
How can I find out how big it gets when I am single?
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 20
How to measure your D ick the correct way..
Posted: 4/18/2009 9:52:40 AM
Once you all get this measuring thing down.. send the results to me.

 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 21
How to measure your D ick the correct way..
Posted: 4/18/2009 1:20:12 PM

what if it is longer and thicker after taking ViaGra???


Well.. after a certain amount of time, you have to call 911.
 dwayne88
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 22
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How to measure your D ick the correct way..
Posted: 4/18/2009 1:44:28 PM
Did someone in this thread say the needed atleast 8 inches? WTF?

I'm not bashing. but you need to do some exercises.

There is no reason for someone to need someone that large to give them pleasure.
 TampaRays
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 23
How to measure ....
Posted: 4/18/2009 2:36:28 PM
Go find yourself one or more
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 24
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How to measure your D ick the correct way..
Posted: 4/18/2009 3:09:10 PM
All I know is that I can start the microwave without leaving the couch. I make bulls blush in shame. The Mayor puts me on a float every July 4th so that the Women can salute it. Every time I take a train trip it arrives a half-hour before me. A guy in a bathroom thought I'd tattooed the name Wendy on my mighty tiger. I played with tiger a moment and then he saw that the tattoo actually said, "Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day." I clean the windows of my car without leaving the driver's seat - and I mean the back windows. You wouldn't believe how many times I've been mistaken for a cannon. One time I punched a guy in the face without taking my hands out of my pockets..........

Okay, I'm average. But I could dream there for a minute, couldn't I?
 That_girl*
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 25
How to measure your D ick the correct way..
Posted: 4/18/2009 4:09:34 PM
i couldnt resist especially concerning the matter of the thread lol i wonder how many egos got bruised back in the day when this song came out wonder how many egos got bruised when this thread was posted.. deflated like a hot air ballon huney,)

Short D ick Man Lyrics (Gillette)

Ah, ah
Ah, ah
Ah, ah, Ah, ah

Ah, ah
Ah, ah
Ah, ah, Ah, ah

Don't want no short d ick man
Don't want no short d ick man
Don't want no short d ick man
Don't want no short d ick man

Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't
Don't, don't, don't, don't (4x)

Don't want, don't want, don't want, don't want

Don't want no short d ick man

What in the world is that thing?
Do you need some tweezers to put that thing away
That has got to be the smallest d ick
I've ever seen in my whole life
Get the f uck outta here

Iny weeny teeny weeny
Shriveled little short d ick man

Don't want,Don't want,Don't want,
Don't want,Don't want,Don't want,
Don't want,Don't want,Don't want,

Don't want no short d ick man
Don't want no short d ick man
Don't want no short d ick man
Don't want no short d ick man (2x)

Iny weeny teeny weeny
Shriveled little short d ick man
Don't want
Don't want
Don't want
Don't want
Don't want
Don't want,Don't want,
Don't want,Don't want, (4x)

Uh! Uh! Uh!
Uh! Uh! Uh!

Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!
Uh! Uh! Uh!

Isn't that cute an extra belly button
You need to put your pants back on honey

Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't
Don't, don't, don't, don't

Don't want,Don't want,
Don't want,Don't want,
Don't want no short d ick man
Don't want no short d ick man

Iny wee(x15)

Iny weeny teeny weeny
Shriveled little short d ick man

Do you need some tweezers to put that thing away
That has got to be the smallest d ick
I've ever seen in my whole life
I have ever seen in my whole life
Get the f uck outta here
Don't want no short d ick man (4x)
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