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 Foxfifty8
Joined: 4/7/2009
Msg: 1
Often misunderstood, I thinkPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Feedback desired here:

I go out on first dates with the idea that it is a sociable getting-to know-you time. I am naturally very relaxed and confident by nature. I tend to appear glamourous.......guess you could say a paradox of sorts; meaning look sexy and classy even though there is the age factor of 50 with an earthy interior that apparently is not easily detected....until the man really gets to know me.

I need a little time like a couple, few dates before I am open to my date putting his hands on me. This is just how I was raised (even though like many, I've taken the walk on the wild side to explore....but wasn't comfortable with rapid come ons, really deep down). I don't think I am uptight, just really like people and getting a feel for the "real" person I am sitting in front of.

I tend to attract kind of obsessive types, try to tell them to chill a little (and trust me when I say I don't think I am the bomb......but want the guy to see me behind my exterior. Keep in mind, I was raised by a glamourous Mom, but got my father's two time Marine, hockey player guts in me; a paradox of sorts.

I don't think anyone is more special than another, but am often misinterpreted. If the guy would just relax, I think I could get comfortable.

My question: How do I express in a nice way that I am not a prissy type but want a friend before a lover or LTR (which is what I am really looking for) without frustrating the man? I want him to relax and get to know THE me that I am.

Just so tired of being misinterpreted while I don't want to change my appearance. Again, I am not "the bomb", I don't think at all. I just seem to exude the wrong message because I am on the glamourous side, but really very down to earth on the inside.

Kindly, I repeat KINDLY suggestions welcome. Constructive criticism welcome, but please no insults. I am as sensitive as you.
 TruthinessIncorporate
Joined: 12/27/2008
Msg: 2
Often misunderstood, I think
Posted: 4/22/2009 9:04:56 PM
"How do I express in a nice way that I am not a prissy type but want a friend before a lover or LTR (which is what I am really looking for) without frustrating the man? I want him to relax and get to know THE me that I am"

I would cut and paste this an enter it into your profile? *dusts off hands*

THAT WAS EASY!! I thought you were going to ask something hard!



Truth, you're the sperm that got though?-TruthinessInc
 Foxfifty8
Joined: 4/7/2009
Msg: 3
Often misunderstood, I think
Posted: 4/22/2009 10:10:08 PM
Done, and thanks for this suggestion!

foxyfifty8
 Foxfifty8
Joined: 4/7/2009
Msg: 4
Often misunderstood, I think
Posted: 4/22/2009 10:17:50 PM
I thought I did just what you said: REPEATEDLY said I am into an LTR. My last date...I told him that I want a little time to get comfortable, not out for a fling. I am sexy, but not a prude. The problem is (I think, perhaps), many men don't get beyond a few pics and the first few sentences of a profile/self-description.....to no fault of their basic instincts, I think.

However, maybe I need to be more direct.....in that the first date for me is for the friendship factor first!

I appreciate your advice!
 TruthinessIncorporate
Joined: 12/27/2008
Msg: 5
Often misunderstood, I think
Posted: 4/22/2009 10:22:36 PM
"many men don't get beyond a few pics and the first few sentences of a profile/self-description.....to no fault of their BASIC INSTINCTS, I think. "

WOW...
that hurt..



Truth, evolving at the speed of stupid-TruthinessInc
 Foxfifty8
Joined: 4/7/2009
Msg: 6
Often misunderstood, I think
Posted: 4/22/2009 11:12:29 PM
This doesn't mean YOU!

I simply have had the repeated experience of things in reality, like: I don't want men with children at home, those married, etc. But then I get out with the guy and he has weekend obligations to his kid/s when I state clearly in my profile I am beyond young children family life. I prefer to langour and spoil my man....but don't want a hard push in the beginning as originally stated, in that there is no reason to be phsyical quickly.

I find out that he doesn't want to dine, but wants to catch a cheap, greasy buffet somewhere. I am one who would rather cook for him, a nice healthy home-cooked meal than eat grease. I am not getting younger phsysically, but have to pay attention to health, albeit with all due repspect to those moments after shopping at Costco, "I just have to have to eat that hot Hebrew National hotdog at Costco! In other words, I am not some neurotic to a fault, I truly believe.
 Foxfifty8
Joined: 4/7/2009
Msg: 7
Often misunderstood, I think
Posted: 4/22/2009 11:15:49 PM
Oh, as for your statement, perhaps you are one of the few who do.

I have often found when I meet up, the man doesn't seem to really know one thing about me......including past careers, what my activities are in general, etc. But, I can refer to many things in HIS profile.....sometimes he just looks blank as if her never wrote it himself.

Capeshe (Italian for "get it"...."understand")
 Foxfifty8
Joined: 4/7/2009
Msg: 8
Often misunderstood, I think
Posted: 4/22/2009 11:28:33 PM
Eeewww, not nice at all as for: Truth, evolving at the speed of stupid-TruthinessInc. You are axed.

Do not reply again to me MYSOGINIST!

What did I say? Kindly (emphasis on kindly suggestions only please.......Resentful , ey)? Go figure out your issues on your own. We all have them. Either we join in respect or go it alone.

DO NOT RESPOND AGAIN or there will be consequences that shed a poor light on you while I have said nothing inappropriate at all OR UNKIND TO YOU!
 TruthinessIncorporate
Joined: 12/27/2008
Msg: 9
Often misunderstood, I think
Posted: 4/23/2009 12:20:39 AM
"Eeewww, not nice at all as for: Truth, evolving at the speed of stupid-TruthinessInc. You are axed. "

That’s directed at myself...as in, I'm evolving at the speed of stupid...it's a way of balancing out what i say in any one post, or sometimes is a direct irony of something I've just said...but you can still axe me, according to the commercials, women love Axe...

"Do not reply again to me MYSOGINIST!"

I think I'm more of a masochist at best, since I did take the time to answer even after your explicit request for me not to.

"What did I say? Kindly (emphasis on kindly suggestions only please.......Resentful , ey)? Go figure out your issues on your own. We all have them. Either we join in respect or go it alone. "

Ummm...you're a silly head..That’s the meanest thing I can say about you right now :-p

"DO NOT RESPOND AGAIN or there will be consequences"

Indeed, do tell...will I have to do yard work while you peep at me through your window?

“I have said nothing inappropriate at all OR UNKIND TO YOU!"

I haven't given up hope...but I stand by my original statement...you’re e silly



Truth, misunderstood since at least 9 O'clock this evening-TruthinessInc
 Helen1967
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 10
Often misunderstood, I think
Posted: 4/23/2009 12:45:35 AM
If you don't want dates to get handsy right off, best thing I've found is, no cleavage until you're sure you want to get physical.

You don't have to dress like you're Amish, but it's okay to tone it down and still be sexy and glamorous. Suggestion, lightweight silk sweaters that cover the breasts. They're there, but they don't have to dominate. Men will look, but they'll look more at you.

You seem pretty great; smart, fun, lots of interests, good sense of self, pretty much a good catch for anyone. I think your fashion choices could maybe use some work in sending the messages you want to send in representing yourself. Maybe work with a personal shopper on this. What's sexy and appealing, but not so sexy that that's all that's seen? It can be hard to decide this successfully on one's own, especially when also considering what's age-appropriate.

I'm not twenty anymore, either, and clothing is a constant dilemma for me. But I know that it sends important messages upon which people act.
 Foxfifty8
Joined: 4/7/2009
Msg: 11
Often misunderstood, I think
Posted: 5/2/2009 8:09:57 PM
If this: "Truth, evolving at the speed of stupid", then just what is it? You give me paradoxical, evasive replies....what, to be clever? Just who is evolving at the speed of IGNORANCE. Guess we are all into the sport of finding ourselves. Either one chooses a kind path of doing so in communication with others, or else one remains ignorant.
 TruthinessIncorporate
Joined: 12/27/2008
Msg: 12
Often misunderstood, I think
Posted: 5/2/2009 8:20:31 PM
*sigh*

no paradox..
nothing to do with communication..

Simply a quote at the end of my post, which, AGAIN, is a jab at MYSELF, I thought I explained this already, but, I can do it again, if for, whatever reason, you're still having trouble grasping this most simple of post endings?

I think, if it's alright with you anyway, I will adopt your subject field statement as my own, it just seems, I don't know, fitting?



Truth, I come form a land down under-TruthinessInc
 jbking2
Joined: 1/22/2009
Msg: 13
Often misunderstood, I think
Posted: 5/2/2009 8:34:26 PM
My suggestion would be that near the end of that initial date to remind the man that you aren't comfortable with any physical contact yet. In conversation you may want to mention what it is that you want so that hopefully it has been communicated what you want.

Being assertive in terms of what you want and don't want would be another way to take my suggestion. Something like, "I'm sorry, I'm not comfortable with you touching me yet," should be an acceptable way to initially reject the physical contact that a guy may want.
 prurire
Joined: 5/3/2008
Msg: 14
Often misunderstood, I think
Posted: 5/2/2009 8:39:43 PM
You really, really like the word paradox eh?

I think some classes on communication and comprehension would serve you well. Which would resolve your issue of misunderstanding and being misunderstood.

Another option would be to take sex off the table from the get go. Be clear about your intentions and expectations. Don't give mixed signals. If you have to assure a guy constantly that you enjoy sex then that is all he is wanting. If he is there to get to know you, then that is what he will do. Eventually you meet people that are on the same wave length, looking for the same thing. Why fret over those that don't?
 MysticalM
Joined: 1/19/2009
Msg: 15
Often misunderstood, I think
Posted: 5/2/2009 8:40:31 PM

I'm not twenty anymore, either, and clothing is a constant dilemma for me. But I know that it sends important messages upon which people act.


Yes. Very true. Law of attraction... you get back that which you put forth into the world. Wearing revealing clothing and a profile name with "fox" in it can give some the wrong impression. Admittedly I too have "cleavage shots" but this is not about me and I've never had an issue with misunderstandings.

Like another poster said, clear, concise communication is what is in order... be absolutely direct in a nice way... the ones who are truly interested in getting to know the *you* on the inside will understand and respect this.

Oh... and if I have to read the word "paradox" in any way, shape or form again... I think my eyes will pop out.


 pam282
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 16
Often misunderstood, I think
Posted: 5/2/2009 8:40:39 PM
I also am frequently misunderstood as well. I am over 50 but by no means act nor feel 50. I am a gentle spirit, I enjoy the simpler things in life. If a man were to take the time to know me, they would understand. You can be or not be anything on a profile, but i am much more wholesome than a pile of words. Age, so what's the big deal. Age is but a number. I was raised with respect and I am every inch a lady. Some men think much dirrerently. I am serious in my quest for my soulmate. Now what kindda lady would i be if i gave in to easily. The Greatest Thing a Woman can ever give is her HEART. Ya get what i'm saying
 Foxfifty8
Joined: 4/7/2009
Msg: 17
Often misunderstood, I think
Posted: 5/2/2009 8:45:24 PM
Helen1967,

I appreciate your contribution and commentary. I am sexy by nature, and looks, in general, but rival no playboy bunny.

In the southwest, attire is relaxed because it so temperately hot (meaning weather) . Plus, I live in an area where bathing suits, cleavage, legs & such are common to be seen. There is an abundance of plastic surgeons in the area, although I've used none.

Regardless, I liked you statement about "getting them to focus on you"/me, rather than body parts.

I have taken your advice. On the past couple of dates locally, I have had better results with a couple of what appears to be genuine admirers of my true person. It has indeed brought better results even though there are still suggestive comments on first date towards the bed. I am no prude, nor professional of sorts, but a woman who wants a man to feel comfortable, proud to be with me, and enchanted with the possibility of an enduring relationship, moreover sexually aroused for a few dates only.

BTY, even though sometimes I am genuiuenly sexually aroused by the man I meet, I really don't want to invite a mere fling.

In any case, your suggestion in so many words to play the body down but plaly up the the "person" in so many words has brought better results with re: to getting the man's focus on me as a person moreover a play toy. No insult to any man of their preferences at all!

Thank you!
foxyfifty
 stacyshrop
Joined: 4/25/2009
Msg: 18
view profile
History
Often misunderstood, I think
Posted: 5/2/2009 8:46:22 PM
Honestly, I think it's difficult at times for people to get the whole picture of who a person is from the on-line thing. I know what I'm thinking when I say or write something and Iknow my personality and I'm quirky so I don't think people will truly get me unless the meet me and know the whole package. There's just too much that can be missed from going on this type of communication. I've had one guy literally go off on me when I was trying to be supportive. I just said I thought in a nice way not to be so jaded when he was talking about how many dates he's been on and nothing's worked. I went on to say basically to keep trying. He totally freaked out and told me not to tell him what to do. Weird! Also, just had a guy e-mail me for the first time without a picture to his profile asking me if I had a hot passionate date this weekend. It put me off. A lot of the guys on here are in too big a hurry. The first one I was talking about lives 1000 miles away from me and wanted me to visit him right off the bat. What?? Slow your roll ok. It's a strange world out there. People need to build trust and get to somewhat know each other first. I won't even invite you to my house unless I've gotten to know you first. I get what you're saying Foxfifty8. I think men and women speak different languages sometimes.
 Foxfifty8
Joined: 4/7/2009
Msg: 19
Often misunderstood, I think
Posted: 5/2/2009 8:49:20 PM
jbking2,

I have become less inhibited and more direct, thanks to your input.

Interestingly, this has increased my self-confidence with the notion that I really don't want a man who doesn't have the patience moreover jump bones.

Of course, I can jump bones, like many women, but when looking for a sticker, I think you are spot on with just putting it out there assertively.

My gratitude. I don't need to waste time at my age.

foxyfifty
 Foxfifty8
Joined: 4/7/2009
Msg: 20
Often misunderstood, I think
Posted: 5/2/2009 8:58:34 PM
turuthiness,.....Ah, from down under, ey? Now perhaps I understand you better.
Sorry, but there truly are cultural differences in communications. I thought you were blasting me (insulting me) as in "just what do you expect, dummy?! I no longer feel insulted by you....I think. I understand to the best of my ability that you were trying to convey something what I would normally consider insult, but probably only offering up a bit of spicey candor?
 Foxfifty8
Joined: 4/7/2009
Msg: 21
Often misunderstood, I think
Posted: 5/2/2009 9:04:58 PM
Stacyshrop......YES!!! Why don't the men get that can get what they want if they would only slow down with a bit of self-imposed sexual discipline? I just turn into a Houdini at get-aways if they come on too strong! I try to see it like this: It is flattering in cases when they are so attracted they want to just jump into you. But.....I have found that some just don't get it that I need some warm up time. It's like excercise; stretch first, then when the musces are ready, go for the run, but don't just try to sprint before warm up!

Thanks for your input!!!

foxy
 NotInnocent
Joined: 9/7/2007
Msg: 22
Often misunderstood, I think
Posted: 5/2/2009 9:06:56 PM
Awwww honey... the right man won't put his hands on you until you are comfortable with it!!

All men will try. If not on the first date, then surely the second or at least third. It's in thier nature to do so! You can't hold that against them. You are a beautiful woman, men are physical beings, they want to touch.

What I do suggest is making sure you let them kn0w that you take things very slowly, don't kiss on the first meet or whatever. A man worth your time will respect that and will wait and keep seeing you.

Good luck!
 Helen1967
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 23
Often misunderstood, I think
Posted: 5/2/2009 9:27:40 PM
Really I can't tell you how glad I am to have been useful. Thank you for letting me know that. I hope all continues well for you. Feel free to write me!
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 24
Often misunderstood, I think
Posted: 5/2/2009 11:04:55 PM
I think you're attributing yoiur difficulty to the wrong thing. Your appearance is not the problem. Your ability to put someone at ease is the problem. Perhaps you don't make enough effort to keep a conversation going. Perhaps the guys didn't like the look you strive for. Your ``I am on the glamorous side,'' comments tends to suggest that `you attach a lot of imortance to that image, in which case, you might come across as having an attitude.

Also, your ``friends first'' approach is off putting to me. It may be to others as well. It may be what others want. You just have to accept the fact that regardless of what you do, not everyone will find you to be his type. In any case, expect a lot of first meetings to be duds. That is just the way it is.


Edit: After reading your posts, I don't think that I'd really enjoy your company. You seem rather self-absorbed. Oerhaps that's what you are seeing in your dates' behaviour.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 25
Often misunderstood, I think
Posted: 5/3/2009 11:59:58 AM
Why is it all these guys fault? looking at your profile to be honest I get an air of pretentiousness. Thats how you come off; like you are this glamour girl.

Maybe it's not the guy that should relax it's you. Maybe you over dress and do the make up thing too much; sounds like it's more you than the guy.

You don't seem glamourous to me; you seem like you are trying to be glamourous and you make a point of letting people know you are, but that you are different inside.

You should lighten up and dress down a little; If i'm dressed casual and someone comes to me like a Liz Taylor wannabe, then thats a turn off. If you dont want to be seen as prissy, then dont be. You try way to hard I think to portray this heir about you that you are dressing so glamourous and guys are turned off by it.

Class has nothing to do with what you wear and how glamourous you try to be; it's how you carry yourself.

it's sad because you are probably a very nice person; lighten up and so will the guys; good luck.
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