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Joined: 3/18/2009
Msg: 1
Straddling the fencePage 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I apologize in advance for the long story. If it were short and easy, I would not be asking for opinions....I met someone two months ago. Big chemistry attraction from the get go. Big personality attraction from the get go. He is someone goodlooking enough to have a lot of female choices, so I was both cautious and skeptical as would be expected. He's about a decade younger than myself...but he has been married and divorced, has had a vasectomy, doesn't want kids....and has some serious (prison) skeletons in his closet that would make him a difficult person to marry. The flipside is he is gorgeous, extremely good in bed (which is what you get to be when yo uhave a LOT of practice....) intelligent, and manly as hell. He has been out of prison for almost 10 years...

We live 200 miles apart. He is in construction, and as such was just coming out of a long winter with no work. He also just got out of a dead end 5 year relationship about four months ago. He cheated on her. Repeatedly. Admitted that he had only lived with her for the free room and board - said he was unattracted to her but find that sort of hard to believe since he stayed with her for FIVE years.....and didn't leave til she started using coke - or so the story goes. Said he used coke and pot while with her. He drinks and does not always know when to stop. He's said one of the things he loved about me is that I can walk away from everything..(I dont do drugs, and I drink VERY little...)

He doesn't have anything - lives with his uncle, and drives a $700 beat up car. Like I said...what the man has is his looks, charisma, and skill in bed. He IS a member of the laborer's construction union though..and when he DOES work, he makes $28 an hour (I've seen the paychecks...he made sure I saw them). The season has changed and now he is working full time.

He stated he was looking for a relationship. We discussed the age thing, and the rationalizations were as stated above. The age thing was not an issue for him. His first wife was 20 years older than he was...his 5 year live in was 17 years older. He's 41.

Due to the fact that he lives 200 miles away, the only way we could see one another is to travel on weekends. He did most of the traveling these last two months. He quickly stated strong feelings, even using the word "love". He would arrive on Thursday, leave the following Tuesday. He came every other weekend in March...we had a good time..but it was difficult spending that much time together when we were basically strangers. Sex was great, the rest was better than average, but with a few problems. He is not as affectionate as I would like. He is not as communicative as I would like. But was workable. I understood his background.

He still pushed the "love" word. Did a lot of chatting, webconferencing in between. The weekends he was with me, he did not bring his cell into the house. It was off, and in his car. The weekends he was NOT with me, he was not reachable by cell from Thursday through Monday.

After two weekends of him making the drive, I said I'd do the honors. I came to Seattle to be with him, paid for my motel room....unfortunately, I was sick..AND I lost my wallet on the way there. Things were very stressed. Things didn't go well. It was definitely my fault.

The weekend after that he stood me up. Was supposed to come for Easter, and said he was sick (bcause of my visit) and couldn't get out of bed. Thursday through Monday thought, he still disappeared! We had words about it. Lots of words. He claimed he was at his brothers house the whole time. He had no response for why he would not take calls or texts.

Things were testy the following week. He was not attentive. He ignored calls. However, Thursday night came and BAM...he was over to my house. "I needed to spend the weekend with the woman that I loved"....we seemed to have good communication and things went well. He stayed the full time. He kept his phone in the house. He only got two calls....they WERE women, and he did not take them. I thought things were fine and improving when he left.

He got home this last week on Tuesday. Things were fine Tues and Wed. I went to spend 2.5 weeks in Ellensburg to house sit for my dad in BFE . I did this so I could be closer to my bf....he was planning on coming to spend weekends with me while I was there. Thursday night comes and he disappears. No calls, no texts. Doesn't answer the phone. Friday he's supposed to be here by 4 - he doesnt call. I finally call him, he says he can't afford to come and he has to spend the weekend working at his Uncles place to pay for rent. I say, "No problem, I'll drive over to see you in the evenings.." ....Long silence on his end of the phone. Then he says "Why would you want to do that?" I am nonplussed..."Well, because I came all the way over here for two weeks to see you? I dont have a problem driving the hour in to town to accomodate your schedule. I miss you!"....

The phone goes dead.
He does not call back.
I call. Text...he does not respond. The phone goes off.

He disappears from Friday through Tuesday morning. No texts, no calls, no nothing. I'm PISSED. I send NASTY emails.

Monday, I get an instant message from him., "Soooooooooooooo, here I am". He wants to talk. He gives me this big long lecture (on IM no less) that he is feeling suffocated. That I am not affectionate enough to HIM! Then says he is not ready for a relationship. Says he likes me, (LIKES, not LOVES) but he just doesn't know how he feels. I say Hm, ok...sounds like the end of things to me. He says "No.,.I'm just confused. We'll talk more tomorrow".

Tuesday, no contact. I send a nice email and a couple texts. It goes unanswered. Tuesday night I IM him. He responds, but just to say that he feels we are both people with issues, and that he thinks he can't see how it will work. He says he feels that maybe we connect on a sexual level only. (This coming from a man who took the Karl Jung personality test with me and we both came out ESTJ's with almost exact same exactly the same time. We like the same food, we like the same music, we like the same movies, we enjoy the same activites, we both like very clean homes, we both have strong work ethics. We came from similar backgrounds, had similar difficult childhoods...Inotherwords, this is bullshit. We have TONS in common - which, in the beginning, he referred to as "magic")....He says I make him feel insecure (because I offered to pay for too many things) and made it impossible for him to be a man. He says maybe he is not cut out for a relationship. He says he thinks he needs a less intelligent person. He said he thinks I am sexy, sensual, attractive, smart, caring, giving, a good woman...blah blah blah, but he just doesn't know what he wants right now.

I asked again "Well, this is important for me, I don't want to misunderstand here. Are you basically saying that we are done? "

His answer was "No, thats not what I'm saying. I'm saying I don't know". This is about all I can offer right now. Maybe just a little bit more"

I asked.."Just be honest with there someone else? Cuz if there is, it makes the decision easy".
"No. There is nobody."

Today I tried to call. He of course did not take the call. I sent an email. It was unanswered. He still will not agree to meet in person even though he is only an hour away. (He's being very controlling?). He's been online, has read my emails (its on my space. Hes VERY active on myspace. Has a lot of women he talks to there. )

Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 2
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Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/29/2009 8:34:22 PM
I wouldn't let this winner go!!! Don't let logic and common sense interfere with what you want.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 3
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Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/29/2009 8:38:56 PM
Beth, read only half of wrote and do you really need to ask anything? This man outside of flattering your ego because he is gorgeous and a good lover has absolutely nothing to offer you, even from the standpoint of being an equal partner and quite frankly the man you describe is an ass.

Would you recommend to anyone that they allow themselves to be treated to the bullshit this man is shoveling?

You are a smart woman, walk away.

Being alone is better, particularly when you are supposed to be "with" someone and you are still alone the vast majority of the time.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 4
Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/29/2009 8:43:06 PM
Some men are no more than sporadic boytoy material. I'd have gone with the sex and good looks and left it at that...if I bothered at all, and based on some of the other things you mentioned, I think I'd pass on the sex too.

Too long of a list of dealbreakers that would make a guy like that not serious consideration for me and might make me leary...the jail time and drugs alone would make me decide against it, honestly. The bad seriously outweighs the good IMO.

I find it hard to believe that some of the things he did would be surprising based on what his history is...but maybe it's just me.
Joined: 1/9/2009
Msg: 5
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Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/29/2009 8:59:41 PM
You deserve better than what he is giving you. The question you need to ask yourself is are you willing to put up with years of his behavior? That should scare you. Get rid of him.
Joined: 7/18/2007
Msg: 6
Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/29/2009 9:03:33 PM
You could be a court reporter.

I think you're acting pretty silly. But hey, I could be jealous that you've got a hot young stallion in your stable.

This guy is not on the same page, book or library.

You are pressuring and expecting him to be more than he is clearly comfortable with. He's told you that and been very honest about it too. You are compatable sexually is all. I don't care what tests you took on the internet.

You are searching for signs that just aren't there hon. You're grasping at measley emotional signs and tid bits he reluctantly tosses your way. Stop that! Chin up, forward ho...get a grip.

I mean people do change and evolve as human beings, and maybe you want to be the woman he will do that for, but really do you think that's realistic?

Enjoy the sex, there's no harm in that, as long as you're careful. But anything long term doesn't appear to be on the horizon with Magic boy. Poof...he's gone...

Look after yourself. Be careful, have fun, and don't give this guy credit where none is due.

Good luck.
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 7
Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/29/2009 9:07:52 PM
This guy is a self-admitted cheater. If he cheated on his previous partner, he will cheat on you. The only difference is in the next story he tells, you'll be the one he used and to whom he wasn't attracted. Wow! That says a lot for his integrity, don't you think? Yeah, he sure would be a man I'd want to have as a partner. I mean, what woman in her right mind wouldn't love to be with a guy who uses her to live off, and all the while cheats on her too? Boy, it sure doesn't get much better than that! Maybe, with any luck, he'll become physically abusive towards you also. Then you'll have the trifecta of romance... being used, cheated on AND abused! What a lucky woman you'd be!

Wake up, get off the damn fence, and dump this jerk. Are you really that hard up for a good lay? Do you really have so little self-respect that you would tolerate this situation? Smack yourself in the face and yell, "Snap out of it!".
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 8
Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/29/2009 9:28:04 PM
If you are looking for Mr. Right, why are you wasting your time with
Mr. Some-of-the-time? If it's for the sex, then be honest with yourself. If you think that he is in love with you, be honest with yourself.

Let's pretend that you are not the OP. Pretend that you just read the opening post of this thread, and you are going to respond to the woman who wrote it.

What would you tell her?
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 9
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Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/29/2009 10:03:24 PM

we both like very clean homes, we both have strong work ethics.

OK, I admit, my eyes glazed over and I did not fully read the OP but within a paragraph highlighted anoter posted, there was this. This guy is essentially unemployed and parking his butt at his uncle's or whatever woman he stays with when he is not answering the phone over the weekends you are not with him, so whoohoo, he probably has another chick or two he is treating exactly the same way as you, I digress.

Seriously, you have convinced yourself in many, many ways that this man is a much better person than he is. He doesn't have a home to clean and no job to exhibit a work ethic at, and I suspect the latter doesn't bother him too much as long as he is in a warm home with food in his belly, and he has (probably from what you said) at least two women that are willing to keep him in a warm bed.

Good deal for him.

I'm curious, when you wrote the OP, did it occur to you that you would potentially be ripped the shreds? Were you embarassed at all when you wrote it? I'm not implying that I would not be daft enough to find myself in your situation should an extended period of hormonal insanity strike me but I certainly would not want too many people knowing just how retarded the situation was. And seriously, you have enough time away from this man that you should not have him under your skin to this degree. If neither of these thoughts occurred to you, then I suggest you cut all communication with this man (actually I recommend that perod) immediately until you realize just how many excuses you were willing to make to yourself to keep this man in your life.

By the tone of the paragraph I culled the above quote from, obviously you "clicked," and while it is disappointing when you initially seem on the same page in so many areas, you have known on some level for a long time that he was not who you thought he was. As another person wrote I believe he is not even in the same book let alone page. At what point do you decide he is too much of a pain in the ass to even be a good boy toy let alone have feelings for the man?
Joined: 3/18/2009
Msg: 10
Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/29/2009 10:15:55 PM
Damned good advice and opinions, all.

You know...
The thing is, I'm usually a hardass. I have a heart like stone. I NEVER fall for this crap. I swear to god I dont know why I fell for it this time...

I fell for the hard luck story of the childhood abuse (yes, I've left heavy details out) and molestation. I fell for the "I ended up in jail for something I really should not have" story. I fell for the "my life was so screwed up I didn't know up from down" story. I fell for the "I'm aware that my life up until this point has been dysfunctional and I really really want to find a way out of it and am working hard to find way out of it" story. I fell for the "I know what I did to my previous live in person was wrong, and I am not going to be that way again" story. I fell for the "I've not felt this way about a woman in a long, long, long time like I feel for you" story. I fell for his "I did the drugs while I was with her because it was free and it was easier to be high than to face who I was and what I was doing, but I'm not doing drugs anymore, and I get drug tested by the union all the time" story. I fell for a lot of stories out of pity for him because of his childhood parallelling mine.

But in all honesty...although I did pay for food when he drove to Spokane to be with me, he paid for his gas....he put in the 8 hour round trip driving time...there WERE some signs at least in the beginning that he was sincere. Either that, or I am hella good in bed. HAHAHAHAHHAHA And I didn't offer to support him or buy him gifts. That didn't happen. I just felt that if a guy who had lmited income was driving 8 hours round trip to see me, the least I could do was feed him.

So yes.
I'm aware it reads like a train wreck. But I DID try to mention the good parts of it as well...and I DID want to see if some of you felt that I was "suffocating" him too early in a very new relationship by wanting to know where he was when he was not with me.

And I appreciate your tough love. God bless the forums for that.

I have the same conclusion.
And I am done. As you can see, my profile is up and running. And the applicants are flooding in. I think I might meet the aerospace guy....:P As soon as I get a clean bill of health.

And to the guy who mentioned the "Uncle" thing? THAT SOUNDED WAY THE HELL TOO CLOSE TO HOME. This "uncle" guy looks nothing like him, does not have the same last name, and every time this guy comes home my bf would say "oh, so and so is home, I have to serve him dinner". AND the excuse my bf used was "have to spend the weekend hanging out with my Uncle cuz I didnt have the money to pay the rent. " I can only imagine what that could mean in gay terms. Jesus. was never acceptable to go to their house to stay. Thats why I had to get a hotel room.

And I had a friend tell me she saw him in a gay bar dancing with and kissing another guy. .....I think I'm gonna go wash my mouth and insides out with a brillo pad..and yes definately get tested.

AND he has transvestites on his myspace as friends.

The things we do for pretty faces. JESUS. SOMEBODY JUST SHOOT ME ...

Ok. So it was only two months of insanity. Forgive me.

*puts self into quarantine*
Joined: 3/18/2009
Msg: 11
Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/29/2009 10:21:43 PM

I'm curious, when you wrote the OP, did it occur to you that you would potentially be ripped the shreds? Were you embarassed at all when you wrote it? I'm not implying that I would not be daft enough to find myself in your situation should an extended period of hormonal insanity strike me but I certainly would not want too many people knowing just how retarded the situation was. And seriously, you have enough time away from this man that you should not have him under your skin to this degree. If neither of these thoughts occurred to you, then I suggest you cut all communication with this man (actually I recommend that perod) immediately until you realize just how many excuses you were willing to make to yourself to keep this man in your life.

I'm well familiar with the forums, and have shredded my share of people. Yes, I was well aware. Yes, I was embarrassed. But do you know what I think these forums are good for? They are good for getting brutal honesty amid some BS. Most of the posters on the forum are pretty good eggs. And I value their opinions or I would not have posted that pathetic story. LOL. Yes, even as I read it I see the pathos...but do understand that it was not that I was was that he struck a chord...a pity chord.,..and Im SUCH a hardass that rejects men alllllllllll the time for things like eating like a pig...or not answering an instant message fast enough...or having a dirty car.. know, the really MEANINGFUL stuff....hahahha, that this time when I got these plethora of sob stories, along with the gorgeous face and the huge amount of attention at first.....I just folded.

It was the childhood abuse story that did it.

he became a predator.

I just had a moment of self doubt.

Its over now.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 12
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Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/29/2009 10:29:20 PM
I haven't read all of the responses but those I did, didn't rip you a new one because most of the people posting to this thread were like wtf? Who is this woman?

I think in most of us there is a component that is nurturing and has difficulty looking past the hurt little bird to the chicken hawk he grew into. You got a good dose of hormones, started believing his story which in the beginning was reasonable information about a troubled past. But instead of peeling away layers in a good way it was like he was adding layers in such a way that you failed to notice the pile of compost accumulating. His onion is a huge pile of rotten layers with no prize inside. Perhaps you allowed yourself to only see the single situations and pieces of information without seeing the whole picture.
Joined: 1/5/2006
Msg: 13
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Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/29/2009 10:31:26 PM
I can't believe I actually read all of your post. To put it to you bluntly and honestly. He is a Con Man. If you can not see through him, you really need therapy!
I would bet this man has a woman he lives with when you are not available.Why shouldn't he? You believe everything he tells you...well, except when he tells you the truth.
Joined: 7/18/2007
Msg: 14
Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/29/2009 10:34:23 PM
Your total honesty is to be commended. Not many of us can be that open to a bunch of stangers. It shows great courage and strength of character.
Everything happens for a reason, and everyone teaches us something if we're open to recieve the lessons.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us.
Joined: 1/5/2006
Msg: 15
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Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/29/2009 10:37:26 PM
I just realized something. You are really a "wannabe" romance fiction writer and you tested your first story with us fellow fishies.I read more posts here and I agree with a fellow poster. You must really be bored tonight.
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 16
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Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/30/2009 6:04:45 AM
OP - he has a history of going for older women to "take care of him". By his own admission! He disappears every other weekend (I think that's the timeframe) - NO contact at all? Not even a text? Hello - there's another "you" out there wondering where he is every other weekend (you know, the calls and texts he doesn't answer when he's with YOU). He thinks he can get by on looks, and sex.

What would you call him, if he were a woman?
Joined: 3/18/2009
Msg: 17
Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/30/2009 6:29:10 AM
Hey now. DREAMS, lolol., STop. Its under control. LOL...

Dang you are BAD.

And Kaylie, thanks. Yes, I'm one of those that knows that if you get bucked off, the quicker you get back up on the horse the better.

So I'm meeting this really hunky Italian guy with big muscles and a great brain, who works in aerospace, in Seattle this weekend.

Now if only he didn't have 56 favorites on his list. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA gAWD.
Joined: 3/18/2009
Msg: 18
Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/30/2009 6:50:19 AM
I know, Rosebud. But even the hardest of us can have that one tiny little chink in our achilles heel that the arrow can get through. Horrid lesson for me to have learned, but I'm sooo grateful it was only two months.

Can you imagine if he'd drug it on for five years?

Hell. They'd have to put ME in jail for how I'd probably react. DAYUM.

If you read my other posts on here, it will explain. And no, it is not a story. I WISH it were a story. Jeesh.
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 19
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Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/30/2009 7:21:12 AM
Beth, I too recall you from before....that person...strident...confident---no shortage of advice for the wayward! You're still that same woman. There's no 'straddling the fence' on this situation in my opinion---take no more calls/make no more calls---consider yourself very lucky that it's over and done with in only 2 months. Look forward to your date~
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 20
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Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/30/2009 8:03:31 AM

So I'm meeting this really hunky Italian guy with big muscles and a great brain, who works in aerospace, in Seattle this weekend.

No, no, no, please pay attention to the really hunky Italian guy part, go for the ugly boring man who has no skeletons in his closet. Here's hoping that not too many monkeys fall from the Aerospace trees should you two click.

When I met the man no one in their right mind would have seen me with, I was 26, but I married him and now have my children so all of the misery essentially I would not trade for all the tea in China because I could not imagine life without these kids.

Anywho, I like to think I am smarter than that now but I think while you can look at the litany of stuff and shake your head, "what was I thinking," the important part is that it was JUST two months and you are walking away.

I did have a bit of a moment like yours three years ago when I went mental for just a bit, overlooked a lot, etc. but in my case, when you were with someone that appeared to hate everything about you and you find someone that seems to like you just the way you are, seems on the same page with life goals, etc. it is pretty easy to want to hold onto that fairy tale feeling a little bit longer, which is why you ignored or explained away the flags your subconscious was picking up on.

I also think that for most women at least, when the sex is uber incredible even when we know differently intellectually, our minds think that there is some extraordinary connection and it is harder to walk away when the cracks in the facade become more obvious.
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 21
Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/30/2009 8:28:01 AM
From what I know of you, OP you're smarter than this. But I can understand the attraction. I think you know quite well that he is not as he appears to be trying to be. Shut the relationship down and find someone else. You'll be happier and more content. Maybe less sexually satisfied but happier and less confused.
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 22
Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/30/2009 9:50:39 AM
He also just got out of a dead end 5 year relationship about four months ago. He cheated on her. Repeatedly. Admitted that he had only lived with her for the free room and board

Bethlet, I know that perhaps you hate my guts or something like that. So I am going to be as nice as possible telling you this.
What this guy did to the previous one, he will do it again. Part of it is his brutal honesty about it. If you didn't tell him to go to hell right away, he knows that you will put up with even more.

The other problem is this. His pathology is almost exactly the same that one happened to a person I know. The guy said he loved her repeatedly, the guy would appear and disappear, they guy was extremely good looking and very good at convincing women to do everything for him, he would also disappear, but when they moved together (and actually married), became a control freak, not allowing her to have friends, yet he could not get a job.

The control evolved into abuse, mental and later on physical abuse. Finally when she decided to leave him, he stabbed her.

You are dealing here with a person who uses women. Who is abusive. Abuses drugs and alcohol. Does not have a job. This person not only will use you, he will destroy the essence of you and to do that will use the appear and disappear act, the I love you today, but not tomorrow, but then again.

The only thing you can do with this individual is to stay way from him. Every pretense to be even friends will lead to use and manipulation. So good luck.

We pretend to think that horrors only happen in movies, but they are all too real and frequent in real life. This is your chance to get way and enjoy the good memories and move on.
Joined: 7/18/2007
Msg: 23
Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/30/2009 10:15:00 AM

Don't date convicts...ex or otherwise. If they're on paper, run like the wind!

Ex-convicts deserve love, don't they? I have had and have friends who've spent time in the slammer. Depends on the crimes...they aren't serial killers, rapists or child molesters. My feeling is they've paid their debt to society.
I'm not going to judge someone and avoid them like the plague for being punished for a possession rap of a single joint when they were young and stupid.
Joined: 3/18/2009
Msg: 24
Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/30/2009 3:52:57 PM
LOL! You guys rock. I know many of you recognize me from before, and yes you are shaking your heads in disbelief. Of all the people, I'm the least likely, right?

Well hell.

I need to delete this thread HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.

Nah, this is good info for others to read. Its also good to know that even Hard Hearted Hannah's like myself and others on here can actually be as stupid as anyone else. And for those of you telling me to run? He already did. HE did the running ladies and gentlemen. He dumped ME. There are no calls to return. Now, as to WHY he dumped me, we'll never know. Maybe its for all the reasons weve discussed...or maybe it was just because he really feels that he does not have to communicate with someone on any level in any way. Maybe years in jail made him very protective of his freedom. Or...maybe he's all the things that have been mentioned. I think the part that is bothering me the most is that I'll NEVER KNOW....

So that is why I was confused and asked for opinions. Because if he was trying to get something, he sure gave up early.

So maybe he saw that I was going to be more trouble than I was worth. Or maybe he just didn't like me. It IS possible, you know. And maybe he just did a really crummy classless job of ending things...

Either way, I hate secrets.

Especially when I'm the target.
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 25
Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/30/2009 3:54:49 PM
Re: Msg 58

When I have proof that they aren't still doing stupid things that could get them in trouble, maybe I'll change my mind.

How do you prove a negative???

Every former imate I've ever met (and there are tons) have yet to change their stripes.

So you don't date them, you just meet them??? What's up with that?

Beth, glad you have come to your senses and realized that this man has much more wrong with him than just a police record. Quit being so concerned over a man's appearance (this one and the hunky Italian) and be more concerned with who he is inside. Give me a man who is gorgeous on the inside. That's where it really matters.

Good to have you back again, Beth!
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