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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Shallow? Or can you really tell in 20 mins?      Home login  
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 calgon_kid
Joined: 11/6/2008
Msg: 1
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Shallow? Or can you really tell in 20 mins?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I read a woman's profile today (yes, some of us men do read profiles, lol). She wrote that "usually you can tell whether there is chemistry within the first 20 minutes of the first date."

Having just broken off a relationship with a woman who probably wasn't my first choice in either looks or personality, I did to my surprise find that the more time I spend with this recent ex, the more I liked her.

I'm interested in others' opinions - particularly those in their late 30's and 40's. Is this woman's assessment a reflection of her own shallowness or is it possible to truly find love inside of 20 minutes?
 rockondon
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 2
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Shallow? Or can you really tell in 20 mins?
Posted: 5/2/2009 9:30:24 PM
I agree with her.
Keep in mind that even if there is chemistry it doesn't mean you're gonna hump like bunnies, get married and have babies all over the place.
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 3
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Shallow? Or can you really tell in 20 mins?
Posted: 5/2/2009 10:17:20 PM
I also think you are mixing metaphors...lol..

Not many find love in 20 minutes...very rare...a sexual connection, yes

However, like everyone else said, I know pretty quickly if there will NEVER be a possibility ( for sex) and it actually does encompass more than looks...once the answer is "yes, I'm attracted"...then like jdub said ( great post)..all the other factors come into play...

I know what you are saying about sometimes people grow on you...it happened to me once...but, it was an unusual situation..and it was never that I found him entirely unappealing...just not the "wow" thing...
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 4
Shallow? Or can you really tell in 20 mins?
Posted: 5/2/2009 10:29:38 PM
You can tell if there is a physical attraction immediately. Chemistry, on the other hand, can sometimes take longer to develop. To me, a man's personality, intelligence, sense of humor all play a large part in whether I feel chemistry for him, or not. I don't care if he is Sean Connery or Harrison Ford, if he is dumb as a stump or dull as dishwater, I am NOT going to feel it. On the other hand, he may not be my idea of gorgeous, but his sense of humor, the twinkle in his eye and the way he conducts himself could have me smitten by the end of the evening. I agree with you that sometimes it does take time to really become attracted to someone.

As to finding love inside of 20 minutes... no, that takes a good hour and a half.
 JenSaysHi
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 5
Shallow? Or can you really tell in 20 mins?
Posted: 5/2/2009 10:35:02 PM

30 seconds to know we AREN'T going to sleep with a guy? Really?

Did I not get that memo?


I don't think I did either.
 Randominternetguy
Joined: 12/25/2006
Msg: 6
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Shallow? Or can you really tell in 20 mins?
Posted: 5/2/2009 10:36:20 PM
I think the essence of the whole "she knows in n seconds" concept is really she can get to NO early. Getting to YES takes a lot longer, and any NO along the way kills it.

As others have noted, there is a difference between attraction and relationship. I can be attracted to someone quickly, but the things I really need to know relationship-wise I can't know till we have spent a lot of time together.

I don't know about everyone else, but when I see an attractive (to me) woman walking down the street, I'm not thinking "I wonder what kind of conflict resolution skills she has?", even though I feel that's extremely important in a relationship. But I can (and do) think, she is attractive, even if I know she is a complete b1tch.

Bob
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 7
Shallow? Or can you really tell in 20 mins?
Posted: 5/2/2009 11:08:34 PM
I'm interested in others' opinions - particularly those in their late 30's and 40's. Is this woman's assessment a reflection of her own shallowness or is it possible to truly find love inside of 20 minutes?

I can only speak for myself. I met my exhusband (blind date) and we were a couple from then on. All these years post-divorce, I still think he's hilarious and uncommonly handsome. The love of my life (not my exhusband) was instant as well. Blind date again ~ which lead to something magical. There was no sex with either man until the relationship was very solid. And yes, I knew with both of them that I was no longer single in a VERY short time period. Apparently they felt the same. I doubt I'll be that lucky again, but I still hold firm to my belief that I'll know it if/when it happens. JMO
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 8
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Shallow? Or can you really tell in 20 mins?
Posted: 5/2/2009 11:19:24 PM
I don't even know what I want to eat while reading a menu for 20 mins. how the heck could I know if I know much of anything about a man in 20 mins. Unless he does something really disgusting or rude, which then I'd leave, but other than that what would I know about him? Pretty much nothing.

People are always talking about making snap decisions, like what you are wearing or how you stand or what you drive.....you don't know chit until you get to know someone. Sure if you hate something about someone, don't see them again but thinking you really know them or what kind of job they would do, what kind of partner they'd be, please, I'll bet the farm these people have been wrong at least as many times as they've been right.

And I sure as hell don't know within 20 mins if I'd sleep with a guy, I'm not even thinking about that so early on, I don't know him, how could I know if I was going to sleep with him at some point??? Please, this makes it sound like women have some sort of super powers, they don't, they just tend to pick up clich├ęs and blather on.
 Ed Bear
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 9
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Shallow? Or can you really tell in 20 mins?
Posted: 5/3/2009 3:34:56 AM
I've often heard, "I always know within 15 minutes if I'm going to sleep with someone."

Jeez, doesn't anyone wait to hear what the other person thinks? I mean, you may decide quickly if you want to sleep with someone, but to KNOW if you will - heck, that's more confidence than I can muster.

ED BEAR
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 10
Shallow? Or can you really tell in 20 mins?
Posted: 5/3/2009 11:23:00 AM

read a woman's profile today (yes, some of us men do read profiles, lol). She wrote that "usually you can tell whether there is chemistry within the first 20 minutes of the first date."

Having just broken off a relationship with a woman who probably wasn't my first choice in either looks or personality, I did to my surprise find that the more time I spend with this recent ex, the more I liked her.

I'm interested in others' opinions - particularly those in their late 30's and 40's. Is this woman's assessment a reflection of her own shallowness or is it possible to truly find love inside of 20 minutes


This is bullcrap; I dated someone who is now one of my best friends (we arent' dating anymore), but the first 2 years we knew eachother we didn't like eachother.

People that say that are about looks; thats what's attraction to them. For mature people of all ages, attraction is looks, how you carry yourself, how nice and kind you are, your personality and demeanor, sense of humor.

For the mindless sex crazed frat boys and sleazy girls gone wild crowd, attraction is one thing. looks.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 11
Shallow? Or can you really tell in 20 mins?
Posted: 5/3/2009 11:24:31 AM

true that we know within 30 secs if we will sleep with someone but have any of you ever seen the episode of Seinfeld where George kept leaving things behind after a first date when awry so that the woman could not get him out of her mind? He kept calling ect..doing tricks until she 'thought' she must have missed something the first time so went out again with him?..everywhere she looked she saw 'Castanza'
Sometimes and I mean sometimes only even if we decide no in that 30secs a guy can convince us to see him again and even more rarely if we 'like' his personality after that we 'might' give sex a go to see if it will work out.
There have been occasions where although we think there is no sexual attraction that a woman will start to fall for a guy and 'grow to see him as sexual' but I personally have not seen that happen often


Anyone getting their dating tips from an episode of that lame show Seinfeld; well? thats a cry for help.

And no I'm not an idiot; I dont know whether I'm sleeping with someone within 30 seconds. I'm not a pitbull and I have to get to know them first. how ridiculous.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 12
Shallow? Or can you really tell in 20 mins?
Posted: 5/3/2009 11:38:22 AM

I dont know whether I'm sleeping with someone within 30 seconds. I'm not a pitbull and I have to get to know them first. how ridiculous.

I don't know who I'm sleeping with in 30 seconds, either. But I do know who I'm NOT sleeping within that little amount of time. I think some people forget that some of us don't insta-meet (if we're talking online meetings only) therefor, for me, it's highly likely I've spent a reasonable amount of time in email/phone with that person before a first real-life encounter. It's not all that difficult to discern, once face to face, if it's going anywhere or not. I'd have to agree that insta-meets or chance encounters in the real world are less likely to produce enough "instant" knowledge for me to determine much at all ~ the other way? I know. JMO
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 13
Shallow? Or can you really tell in 20 mins?
Posted: 5/3/2009 2:25:33 PM
I think emotionally people can grow more dear to you and deeper in your heart.

But I think the chemistry, the mysterious "something" that must be there to make you interested in even dating this person - you can determine within 20 minutes. Sometimes less.

For me? I can generally tell within 5 minutes if a man is someone I am willing to spend an hour with or a lifetime with. Some don't even make the hour.

I'd be very surprised if I wrote someone off, and then five hours later went - "oh wow! I am so diggin this guy!"

Wouldn't happen I don't believe.
 ImAHotMess
Joined: 7/11/2008
Msg: 14
Shallow? Or can you really tell in 20 mins?
Posted: 5/3/2009 3:07:09 PM
2 minutes here. It is not that hard to figure out if you want your ankles wrapped around a certain man or not. If there is no chemistry, it is a no go. I do not care how nice someone is. No it is not all about sex, but attraction on all levels has a llot to do with it. I am not sure why you call it shallow, I call it being flat out honest. Something a lot of people do not like to hear. :)
 jrbickers123
Joined: 6/9/2008
Msg: 15
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Shallow? Or can you really tell in 20 mins?
Posted: 5/4/2009 1:06:48 AM
within 20 minutes you haven't begun to chip away at the surface of who a person really is, their personality type or all of that jazz. there's no way for anyone to gather enough information within that first 20 minutes to determine emotional and peronality compatibility.

what can they figure out within 20 minutes? if they'd wanna **** you or not. so in this case i'd venture to guess her definition of chemistry is good**** not the kinda person you'd want to attempt a long term relationship with. granted we all think this way to a certain extent, its just the shallow ones who voice it in the way she has.
 bcsofnc57
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 16
Shallow? Or can you really tell in 20 mins?
Posted: 5/4/2009 2:04:34 AM

You have to get to know someone to love them. Lust can happen right away, but not love.

That is where I am different than a lot of people. I can tell within 10 minutes or less if I will ever love the person or not. I have to get to the point I am confortable with that person before I ever remotely start thinking about sex with them.

I don't have an issue with people putting their children on their profile. It seems like they are more honest. What you see is what you get.
 English-Lady
Joined: 4/25/2009
Msg: 17
Shallow? Or can you really tell in 20 mins?
Posted: 5/6/2009 4:23:44 AM
One cannot assess Chemistry in 20 mins. If they say they can, then it is obvious they do not know what REAL/TRUE Chemistry is. I find most are clueless on Chemistry. True Chemistry has nothing to do with any physical attraction, that is nothing more than mere attraction.
 celts123
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 18
Shallow? Or can you really tell in 20 mins?
Posted: 5/6/2009 9:47:53 AM
I can usually determine 2 things within 20 minutes. Physical attraction and any obvious dealbreakers. But I often can't determine if there is chemistry that quickly. Sometimes there isn't instant chemistry because you don't know the other person well enough yet. Or one or both people may be a little bit nervous or shy at the beginning of a first date. I know some couples in successful relationships that would not be together if they had made a decision about each other within 20 minutes.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 19
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Shallow? Or can you really tell in 20 mins?
Posted: 5/17/2009 5:31:07 PM

You've changed the statement here and made it something much more than it ever was. There is a HUGE difference between "chemistry" and "love".

But beyond that, I disagree with the original quote. I don't think you can tell if there is chemistry within 20 minutes. I DO however, think you can tell if there ISN'T chemistry within 20 minutes.

She doesn't say she is falling in love but she can figure out if she is attracted. Occasionally someone will grow on you but you can tell pretty quickly if you are attracted or not, I don't know about the 30 seconds, but pretty quickly.
 hurricane hanna
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 20
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Can you really tell in 20 mins?
Posted: 5/17/2009 5:32:59 PM
I get a very strong feeling about a person on first meeting, and usually, my first impression is correct. Sometimes I get fooled, but usually, the impression is pretty similar to what friends, relatives or acquaintances tell me later. I usually get a sense of how honest and open a person is, how intelligent and how compassionate. A shy person's kindness might not be obvious immediately, but there is a sort of interest, warmth, curiosity that even the shyest man has.

I get a feeling about whether I am intrigued with someone right away. I don't divide 'intrigued' into 'physical' and 'other'. Intrigued, for me, is just intrigued. I can't imagine being physically attracted to someone who isn't also intellectually and spiritually intriguing, anyway.
 cw35
Joined: 4/8/2005
Msg: 21
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Shallow? Or can you really tell in 20 mins?
Posted: 5/17/2009 7:24:15 PM
Ah, the whole "chemistry" farce rears it's ugly head once again. Not feeling "chemistry" is a fickle person's way of having an excuse for their lack of committment and ADD style of life. People who set a time limit in seconds or minutes for a new relationship to take hold are a complete joke and make me run screaming in the opposite direction. Trust me, any person who has this belief is a COMPLETE waste of time on a date because I can guarantee you will not be good enough no matter what you say or what you do in this fictional "30 second" window that you have to grovel and prove yourself in. I'm surprised that anybody gets together at all. Personally, I don't like the arrogant attitude a lot of women have where the guy has to play games and jump through hoops just to get a chance at a second date as if they're perfect and they're somehow lowering themselves to talk to you at all. Imagine living with a person like this and then think long and hard if you actually want a relationship with someone like that.
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