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 bulls eye annie
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 1
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Boy CodePage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
As a mother of two boys, I'd appreciate feedback regarding the "Boy Code"

"...The Boy Code is a set of rules and expectations. The idea that boys need to keep their emotions in check; that violence is an acceptable response to emotional upset; that their self-esteem relies on power; and that they must reject any and all signs of ?feminine? qualities. Boys learn the Boy Code in sandboxes, playgrounds, schoolrooms, camps, churches, synagogues, temples, and hangouts, from peers, coaches, teachers, and just about everybody else. Even very young boys report that they feel they must "keep a stiff upper lip," "not show their feelings," "act real tough," "not act too nice," "be cool," "just laugh and brush it off when someone punches you." These boys are invoking strict rules they have absorbed about how they "must" behave -- rules that most of them genuinely fear breaking..."

Regardless of gender, don't you think it's important for us to embrace both the feminine and masculine qualities for wholeness and balance?

Annie
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 2
Boy Code
Posted: 5/9/2009 5:48:08 AM
I am a mom of 2 teenage boys and yes, I guess they know they "Boy Code". I'm kinda OK with it, as I would not want them too feminine.

My older one I worry goes a little overboard. He will speak of who he "took down", as like a jock twice his size. Thank the old man on that one.

Yes, fathers mostly teach sons the same "Boy Code" so sons don't become sissies.
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 3
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Boy Code
Posted: 5/9/2009 6:00:48 AM
Who told you the boy code? They let all men down, this is for men and men only. At least they did not tell you all of them, so we are still safe for now. Don't get me started on all I have been told about the "girl Code". To your question:

Q: Regardless of gender, don't you think it's important for us to embrace both the feminine and masculine qualities for wholeness and balance?

A: No, boys will be boys!!!! Girls will be girls!!!! At least most of them. We are not the same and we don't need to try and be the same.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 4
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Boy Code
Posted: 5/9/2009 7:31:38 AM
You teach your children what is important so if they know they can cry at home and that being kind and caring toward women is not a bad thing they will espouse the boy code but also have the emotional tools to deal with feelings, etc. albeit they will likely choose to do so in private.

Color me weird but because even when their dad lived with them he was pretty much a non-entity in their lives, my boys seem more like those raised among mom, grandmas, and a bevy of aunts instead of myself and my daughter. My boys can more than hold their own in a fight, will knock the hell out of you on the football field but they also feel comfortable helping me choose shoes on Sunday, telling their sister if an outfit looks good or not, and straightening her hair. Neither one of them has a problem letting it all out at home, waterworks and all, they just try not to 'cry like a girl' when in public.

I think boys ARE different than they were when I was coming up. There was a boy in my daughter's 4th grade class. Total little perv that they informed me they couldn't get out of the classroom until he actually assaulted a girl. I was really dumbfounded by the way the other boys in the class protected the girls and also the conversations I have listened to my kids having with opposite gender friends.

The boy code is only more powerful than being able to have and deal with emotions if no one bothers to teach them those things. I think the boy code is something we could all use sometimes in public. When I get angry enough, I cry, can't seem to help it, pisses me off but at home, hand me that box of kleenex. The boy code is only bad when it is the only thing they know and equate its tenets with character.
 bulls eye annie
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 5
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Boy Code
Posted: 5/9/2009 10:51:25 AM
RAYSE: Very brave fella you are to be the first male to step up to the plate, with honesty.

FREE: Boys will be boys and girls will be girls. Well, my boy naturally takes everything apart to fix it, could care less what he wears or how dirty he gets; whereas, my girl only wants to sing, dance, and look pretty. They are fraternal twins and both 10. So, I do have the rare opportunity to see each grow up side by side and gravitate towards their inherent nature in finding themself.

What concerns me is your answer? So, if a boy likes music or playing with with a stuffed animal, this would be inappropriate? If a girl wants to go out into a playing field, get's hurt, get's up, and walks without a note, this is inappropriate. Please clarify.

PACKAGE: You are not weird. "just try not to 'cry like a girl' when in public" Why not expand our family to include those who cross our paths daily? Not that we should all go out and get touchy feely. However, as adults who want a better future for the next generation, wouldn't it be nice... when we see another, regardless of age or gender, hurting (whether it be an emtionally overcharged expression of anger or acceptance and grief expressed in tears), to reach out and support rather than turn our heads--in shame or denial?

"When I get angry enough, I cry, can't seem to help it, pisses me off but at home, hand me that box of kleenex" haha...... that was funny. BTW: I keep a box in my vehicle to wipe tears and well, them porta potties and restrooms don't have 'em all the time...

Thanks folks, and keep 'em coming
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 6
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Boy Code
Posted: 5/9/2009 11:13:20 AM
"What concerns me is your answer? So, if a boy likes music or playing with with a stuffed animal, this would be inappropriate? If a girl wants to go out into a playing field, get's hurt, get's up, and walks without a note, this is inappropriate. Please clarify."

Were did I say a boy can't like music or stuffed animals or a girl can't play in the field? Boys will be boys and girls will be girls does not mean that at all. How is what I said inappropriate? Your question "don't you think it's important for us to embrace both the feminine and masculine qualities for wholeness and balance?" Sounds more like pushing something on the kids to me and that would seem inappropriate. Your thead subject "Boy Code" seems to say that you think there is something wrong or bad about a boy being a boy and there is not, that is normal. This is from a single dad with only girls. My girls both love sports and the like, but I don't push it on them. They all so like it when I take them fishing, but they make me put the bait on the hooks, not because I want to, but girls will be girls! I don't think I need to make them embrace anything.
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 7
Boy Code
Posted: 5/9/2009 11:35:25 AM
I would like to see my boys show their true emotions, but, yes they are afraid of that stigma. I know my younger one was close to his Grandma. When she passed away, he looked down, but gosh he would not cry.

I know the Dads alot of times raise boys to be tough. I see it right in front of me.
 bulls eye annie
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 8
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Boy Code
Posted: 5/9/2009 12:05:21 PM
FREE: My inference to "inappropriate" was a question (not an accusation) which is why I asked you to clarify.

As for "pushing" certain beliefs onto my children, are you kidding?

Raising them has been a learning experience. Children, in thier wide-eyed wonderment with their innocent, yet, poignant questions, emphatically expressed, has been enriching.

The "boy code" (and 'girl code') has been around the net for a long time and warrants revisiting from time to time. You've been baited.......

As for the worms, well, yeah, I kinda detest that too while fishing which is ironic cuz I do love fishing! (pouts)...I've HAD to put the worms on the line if I was gonna catch any fish, I'll admit, it's yuuuuuuuuuukkkkkky. I Wear dirty old tee-shirts now...
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 9
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Boy Code
Posted: 5/9/2009 12:14:38 PM

Why not expand our family to include those who cross our paths daily? Not that we should all go out and get touchy feely. However, as adults who want a better future for the next generation, wouldn't it be nice... when we see another, regardless of age or gender, hurting (whether it be an emtionally overcharged expression of anger or acceptance and grief expressed in tears), to reach out and support rather than turn our heads--in shame or denial?

I have taught all three of my kids both by talking about it and example, to reach out to the odd man out, the new one in a group, and to notice when someone is upset. The tough part to me is learning to gauge whether approaching the person is going to help or if they prefer to be left alone. Sometimes a little bit of kindness can break that last thread of control and you want to make sure you are helping and not making it worse for the person, and I am not just talking about kids.

I hope my boys don't ridicule other people and with their teams, their coaches have taught them to support each other, tears or not, if someone makes a mistake, takes a hard hit, gets hit by a wild pitch, strikes out, all the kids encourage rather than turning on a teammate. On the other hand, one of the guys on the baseball team apparently a couple of years ago was probably what we would all, whether a girl or boy, have labeled a crybaby (waterworks for any and every reason) and coach helped break him of that a couple of years ago by benching him every time he cried. He seems a well adjusted kid and I think in that instance, encouraging him not to cry was the right thing to do.

Interestingly enough, in public, of my three kids, my daughter would be the last one to cry because she prefers to keep her private issues to herself.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 10
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Boy Code
Posted: 5/10/2009 5:52:04 PM
I think it is appopriate being Mother's Day to express my appreciation to my male friends and other men who whether fathers, friends, uncles, are a positive example of being male and not being a cave man. I have three friends who are very male from the standpoint that they work with their hands and do "men" things but they are also not afraid to show their compassion around others, including my boys. I think knowing them has been invaluable in teaching them that they can choose who they are.
 TheVoiceWithin
Joined: 6/29/2008
Msg: 11
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Boy Code
Posted: 7/4/2009 6:53:35 AM
As a single mother, I teach my boy no differently than I do my girls. To have self-respect, integrity, honesty, respect and so on. Single mothers have a wonderful opportunity to raise men of depth, substance and moral fortitude. These boys will someday grow into men who will be husbands and fathers, so I believe that it is important to raise them with these qualities. My son is not feminine at all, but he does respect women, he is affectionate and is not afraid to show it to the women in his life. He has been taught that his feelings matter, because he needs to understand and respect the feelings of others.
I believe the expectation we place on our children is unattainable. For me, there is a lot to be said about not genderizing how we raise our children, but to raise them with a basic human morality and respect for our fellow human beings, with the ability to show compassion and understanding...perhaps if more people did this, the world would be a better place.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 12
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Boy Code
Posted: 7/6/2009 2:42:37 PM

You know, I've witnessed a few fracases in my lifetime, and not even once a woman jumped to defend another woman. Most of time they shout, cry or ask for men to intervene.

Maybe you should get out more.

Occasionally because many women tend to just keep heaping on themselves with work, kids, life, giving and not knowing when to say no, that sometimes something totally unrelate like your hair looking like shit when you really want to look good, can be the conduit for the release of pent-up stress.

Now, bad hair would probably not do me in but there have been numerous times over the years when I found myself crying over something so totally retarded I wondered if I was going insane. Sometimes I am emotional, most of the time I am logical and probably at least a little bit of both all the time.
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