Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > loneliness question? Single for too long is not good?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 shelly.d
Joined: 2/10/2009
Msg: 1
loneliness question? Single for too long is not good?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I was reading a thread about loneliness (how long is too long?/is there such a thing as being single for too long?) the other day, but i lost track of it. One guy was saying he thought so (there is such a thing as too long maybe) as one, it changes you as a person and two, he had gotten so that he no longer thought he no longer knew how (to start a relationship).
So does anybody think there is such a thing as being single for too long?
 Zephyr2553
Joined: 12/28/2008
Msg: 2
loneliness question? Single for too long is not good?
Posted: 5/11/2009 10:55:24 PM
NO. I don't think that at all. It is "better to be on the roof of a house alone than to be in a relationship with a dripping faucet."

I like being alone very much, then I also like being with a stimulating, fun and warm person who is my equal mentally and spiritually. I am constantly reminded of the fact that I'm a passionate lover and sexually responsive woman.

But I'm selective and proud.

I would really hate for someone to put salt on my tail and pen me down. I'm like the Gingerbread man.....loving my freedom.

But for the right person I would check all that in and hitch up with them for a time. And maybe that time would turn into a long time and I would relenquish my heart.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 3
loneliness question? Single for too long is not good?
Posted: 5/11/2009 11:26:18 PM

I was in a LTR for 6 years and have been single for a year and started dating again in January and am surprised how different the dating world is from 7 years ago. back then there was no texting, no MySpace booty calls, no Twittering for dates and online dating was limited to two or three sites.

Shocking, huh? And not in the warm-fuzzy-shocking way. I was stunned at how things had changed between about 2001 and 2005. It took me over 2 years to grasp the reality: not pretty!!

~OP~ The loneliest I've ever been in my entire life was during my last attempted relationship. I had no idea that I could literally feel dead from loneliness/emptiness. I'd never felt that feeling when I was truly alone. It was just wretched. And to think I was actually with someone. I'm now firmly convinced: I'd rather be alone than lonely with someone. JMO
 Stormwolf
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 4
view profile
History
loneliness question? Single for too long is not good?
Posted: 5/12/2009 3:26:34 AM

I'd rather be alone than lonely with someone.


Kind of like having a New Sports Car ...with an empty gas tank.
It goes nowhere!
 SingleGuy4912
Joined: 7/25/2006
Msg: 5
view profile
History
loneliness question? Single for too long is not good?
Posted: 5/12/2009 5:33:05 AM
You'll know it's not good when you wake up one morning surrounded by a hundred cats looking to be fed.



 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 6
loneliness question? Single for too long is not good?
Posted: 5/12/2009 7:33:06 AM
I would call it Newton's Law, which goes something like this, bodies that are in motion are more than likely going to remain in motion. Bodies that are static ARE going to remain static. And this applies to relationships, meeting people, being physically active, even to happiness. Let's say you feel like you are happy with your relationships and something bad happens. YOu are better prepare to brush it off, and get on with your life like is not big deal. Let's say you have been alone, it is harder to get out of your routines to do something new. You become a victim of your own habits. For instance, because of work I have been having a hard time going out cycling. It's either late, or it rains, so I had enough of that, so I created a new habit. I set up my trainer in the garage, and every morning now I do 30 minutes. Then in the evening I either do a ride of about 27 miles, or go to the gym. One or two days a week, I rest by then taking the kids on their bike ride, or taking my gf out to eat. Of course friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights don't count, those are family time unless I have a race, a century, or some long event that starts at 8 am.

So if you are not in motion, if you are not where you want to be, or too alone, you are more than likely going to remain there. Unless YOU do something about it NOW.
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 7
view profile
History
loneliness question? Single for too long is not good?
Posted: 5/12/2009 9:16:11 AM
brown_eyed_woman wrote:
There is nothing lonlier than actually being in a relationship that leaves you feeling unfullfilled. I stayed in my marriage long after I began to feel lonely...and I have been on my own since 1996...I can tell you, Yes, once in awhile I get lonely being on my own, but not near the deep lonley I felt in the last years of my marriage.


bew, thanks for that post; I knew I was not the only one that felt that way, but it is comforting that others can say it publicly. I don't think there is anything worse than being/feeling alone in a "relationship." The pressure/desire to do something about it has the potential to lead a person down a road I care not to travel.

I don't think I ever felt as alone on my own as I did when I was alone with another.

TK
{ }
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 8
view profile
History
loneliness question? Single for too long is not good?
Posted: 5/12/2009 9:29:20 AM

things are what they are. i have been on my own 12 going on 13 years and it is not necessarily by choice. it is due to the initial choice of raising my children, building a business etc and working like a demon. it has just been in the past couple of years that i have felt the true desire to be in a committed relationship. i have met some great guys but either the timing wasn't right for them or there were other factors. i truly believe that when our hearts become fully open to wanting to be in a committed relationship that the eyes in our hearts become fully open, and then a dynamic shift occurs, and we attract people and see people we did not attract and see before. that is what i am experiencing. JMO

One is not really anything too long. If someone is single for a long period of time and does not feel like making adjustments in his/her life s worth the benefits of a relationship, that then becomes a choice because certainly as the above quote notes, if you are open to it, you will eventually have the timing and the person gel. Sometimes we are single because whether we know it or not, we need to be.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 9
loneliness question? Single for too long is not good?
Posted: 5/12/2009 9:29:21 AM
I was (more or less) never without a female in my life until ........

Six years now ..... all by myself.

In my case, yes it has changed me. I don't really think about it but - I don't know if the change is good or not good.

The "change" was/is (sadly I think) I don't seem to care all that much (that I am alone in the world).

Never really being "single" since about 15 years old (until this time) sort of made me a couples guy. Now I guess I am a single minded guy.

I never did "casual" date and these days casual dating just seems to be casual sex - ack.

I had two long-ish marriages (16/17 years) - I suppose I got pretty use to being married. It seems I got use to being not married now.

Since I am not interested in this modern day - casual sex ...... I don't even date.

--------------

This topic did make me stop and think. Maybe I should stop being satisfied with no female in my life.

Getting use to being single is kind of weird really.
 cw35
Joined: 4/8/2005
Msg: 10
view profile
History
loneliness question? Single for too long is not good?
Posted: 5/12/2009 10:00:36 AM
Being single too long isn't a great thing in my opinion. I can cope with being utterly alone if I have to but in all honesty I don't see life meaning a whole lot without a better half to share it with and care for. I think it's probably a lot easier for people that have a lot of friends and a good social life but for people without these options, it can be a very bad feeling.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 11
view profile
History
loneliness question? Single for too long is not good?
Posted: 5/12/2009 10:42:31 AM

There is nothing lonlier than actually being in a relationship that leaves you feeling unfullfilled. I stayed in my marriage long after I began to feel lonely...and I have been on my own since 1996...I can tell you, Yes, once in awhile I get lonely being on my own, but not near the deep lonley I felt in the last years of my marriage.

Also a very good point, being with someone doesn't mean you aren't alone.
 DomG79
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 12
loneliness question? Single for too long is not good?
Posted: 9/2/2013 6:01:27 AM
Many people on here read my responses and tell me I need "professional help". This is a result of being single for too long. I'm 34, and the longest relationship I've ever been in was 4 months. Basically, I've been single my entire life. Even if there were instances where it was the woman's fault, there still must be something wrong with me.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 13
loneliness question? Single for too long is not good?
Posted: 9/2/2013 6:55:52 AM
The issue sometimes hits home when I get together with friends, who are all married, and I'm the only single person among them. I don't get the people who keep saying it's better to be alone and single that alone in a marriage/relationship. If you're in that situation, who is at fault for making you feel lonely while married? Why was it different before marriage, where you couldn't enough of the love of your life and couldn't imagine life without him/her? What made you go full circle in the opposite direction after walking down the aisle? Did you feel it was up to your spouse to keep you entertained your whole life, and he/she started to falter in that area? I think in a lot of cases, a mirror will tell you why or who is making you feel lonely in a marriage/relationship. But it's always easier to blame the other person for your unhappiness. A lot of people refuse to admit that they are responsible for their own happiness.
 lostnfoundluv
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 14
loneliness question? Single for too long is not good?
Posted: 9/2/2013 9:36:04 AM
the only way to judge if single for too long is good or not is to check if your are healthy in mind and body . if good yes then you can handle singleness for how long you want it to be !
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 15
loneliness question? Single for too long is not good?
Posted: 9/2/2013 2:58:22 PM
There is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely . Some people have no problems being alone for long periods of time , others get lonely and need another person to be with . Some of us walk alone while others must have a companion .
 DomG79
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 16
loneliness question? Single for too long is not good?
Posted: 9/3/2013 12:18:15 AM
I'm not really alone by choice, unless my only choice is someone that I don't wish to be with.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 17
loneliness question? Single for too long is not good?
Posted: 9/3/2013 4:48:17 AM
If you grew up in a big family, being alone may seem bad. Or it may be great to finally not have siblings who tell you you're dumb, ugly, etc but can't enter a room without looking to see if you're there. :)

Whether you've been single or coupled, you can still be self-centered and unhealthy. Or you can be full of self respect and will treat others in a way that is healthy.

the only time i've met people who "spent too much time alone" was when their initial convo was TMI and full of navel-gazing.
 pamioakley
Joined: 5/26/2013
Msg: 18
view profile
History
loneliness question? Single for too long is not good?
Posted: 9/3/2013 7:19:19 PM
I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to your question. I was involved in one relationship or another until 2003 (more than one marriage). Since that time, I've dated many men and thought at one point I might marry again. It didn't work out. I don't think it didn't work out because he or I had been single too long - it didn't work out because we had problems that the two of us could not or would not reconcile together. I'm not unhappy being single MOST of the time. I have a great job, great long-term friends and a wonderful relationship with my kids and family. There are times, of course, that loneliness creeps in. To be honest, until you asked the question, I hadn't asked it of myself. Truth be told, I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. I hope I'm not so set in my ways that it prevents a relationship from developing!
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 19
view profile
History
loneliness question? Single for too long is not good?
Posted: 9/3/2013 8:26:07 PM
It would depend on the situation and the individuals, I mean some people are single a long time because no one wants to date them while others are alone for no real reason other than not finding the right person and others just don't like to date a lot of people so they have long dry spells. What's the alternative? Dating everyone who comes along and being a serial dater? Would a person look better if they have dated 200 other people or if they've only dated 2 in their life? It's always going to depend on the person. I don't pay any attention to stuff like that, either I like the person and want to get to know them better or I don't, I'm not making a list of their pros & cons according to some one selling books or articles.
 elmuchoburrito
Joined: 8/27/2013
Msg: 20
loneliness question? Single for too long is not good?
Posted: 9/3/2013 9:29:40 PM
It is entirely liberating - come and go as you please, do what ever the hell you want - when ever you want.
Ask your married friends - ask how many of them wish they were single again.....
never look the gift of freedom and independence as a curse.
it beats settling, and certainly settling DOWN.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 21
loneliness question? Single for too long is not good?
Posted: 9/4/2013 7:34:14 PM

It is entirely liberating - come and go as you please, do what ever the hell you want - when ever you want.
Ask your married friends - ask how many of them wish they were single again.....


I was with most of my friends, who are all married, this past weekend at a barbecue at one of the friend's house. My one friend invited all of the guy's to go up to his cottage soon for a weekend of fishing. None of the wives objected. The women will probably get together to go shopping. All of the guys are sports fans and the wives aren't, so one of the guys will often invite the other guys to his place (man cave) to watch a sporting event-an all guys gathering. Beer is often mixed in the fray of things. The guys will often take their wives places and do social activities with them, but there is no ball and chain preventing the guys from doing whatever they want-as long as it's legal and not immoral (lol). From what I've seen, none of them wished they were single again.

Mentioning to a spouse that you want to get together with your same gender friends for a specific activity to make sure you're getting their approval is not quite the same as come and go as you please, but not far from it. It's just taking another person into consideration when making plans, which may or may not include the spouse. I guess the problem is finding someone who feels the same way.
 RR Man
Joined: 6/24/2006
Msg: 22
view profile
History
loneliness question? Single for too long is not good?
Posted: 9/4/2013 7:59:11 PM
It is entirely liberating - come and go as you please, do what ever the hell you want - when ever you want.
Ask your married friends - ask how many of them wish they were single again.....
=============================================================================
Last week, I decided I wanted to take a short road trip so I got in the car and drove. Nobody even knew where I was. I spent four nights in cheap hotels across West Virginia and Ohio, then came back home. Did some hiking, sightseeing and driving scenic roads.

When I was married, I sometimes went to meetings of a 12 step group. Every time I told my wife I was going to go, I got three questions:
1) What time is your meeting?
2) What time do you have to leave?
3) What time is it now?

For #1, the meetings were always 830 pm, never any other time. Evidently that was too much detail for her.
For #3, she never would wear a watch.

No wonder I was depressed back then.

And can anyone relate about how friggin' TEDIOUS it is to have to explain some simple, innocent little action? Such as (when I was in the attic):

Her: What are you doing up there?
Me: Looking for something.
Her: What?
Me: A map
Her: What kind of map?

Enough said.
 NCnavetG8r
Joined: 9/7/2012
Msg: 23
view profile
History
loneliness question? Single for too long is not good?
Posted: 9/6/2013 9:42:01 AM
Loneliness and single don't have to necessarily be the same thing. Many have already pointed this out, and that you can be just as lonely, or even more so, while in a relationship. A lot also depends on the individual and that individual's life history and personality and how they fit together. I've been single for 8 years. Was married twice for 7 years (give or take a few months) each.

I'm less lonely now than I was in both those relationships. At least toward the end of the relationships anyway. I often find myself wishing I had someone with similar interests to hang out with and do things with (that's why I'm here on POF with my profile set as looking for friends). And of course I miss the sex. But overall, I'm pretty content with life as it is. I also know I'm in a unique situation and that some day that situation will change. What happens after my situation changes is a huge unknown. It's weird not having a romantic partner. Yet at the same time, it's liberating to come and go as you please. To dance only to your own tune, and whatever damn tune you feel like dancing to at any given moment.

Sometimes I catch myself wondering if I will ever really want to try to find love again. Love is so fickle. It's great when it's great (kinda goes without saying, huh?). Yet it's also about as low as you can go when it goes wrong. Twice in my life I've been in that "low as it can go" place. It's not fun and I'm not all together sure I want to put myself in the scenario that could lead to that pain again. I'm not saying if the right person came around I would push them away. I'm also kind of old fashioned and believe love can hit you when you least expect it and only fools turn it away when it comes. Right now I'm just not interested in actively seeking it. I'd rather just find a friend to hang out with and do fun stuff with. No muss, no fuss, no jealousy or expectations. If, and that's a big IF, I ever find a friend that things just seem to click with and that romantic spark reveals itself, I'll handle that if and when it comes. For now I'm content to just keep going along as things are and take life as it comes. I'm only 49. I have 2 children I am very proud of and love very much. If I ever find love again, it'll be strickly for love's sake. I won't allow myself to settle into a relationship because of loneliness and lack of sex. Those are the wrong reasons that can only lead to disappointment IMO.
 ICtheLite
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 24
view profile
History
loneliness question? Single for too long is not good?
Posted: 9/7/2013 9:32:47 PM
OP:
So does anybody think there is such a thing as being single for too long?


Yes, IMO and observation some people do get used to being alone by filling their lives with other things ( more work, time consuming hobbies, even church) to the point that there is no room or time for a relationship. Over time they become content with the full life they've created and are hard put to risk that contentment.

D.Priest:
This type of social stigma is why some folks get into relationships they shouldn't be in at all. Society has told them a bad relationship is better than none at all.


Uhhh, this is 2013, lol. No one has to be with anyone if they don't want to be, JMO. Maybe if someone had extremely low self esteem they might subscribe to this theory. There's a social stigma about being without a partner/being single? Welllll, now I'm traumatically Stigmatized, lol.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 25
view profile
History
loneliness question? Single for too long is not good?
Posted: 9/8/2013 11:57:06 AM
While RR man's resurrection of the litany of inane babble that passes for day-to-day discourse in some marriages is hilarious and could seriously swear most off from any more of 'that', I do think unrelenting singleness is not something to aim for either.

I have a friend who I've known since 2005. I have never once heard of her going on a date or having a relationship in the time I've known her. Her life is lived at work, with a close friend and her family, and increasingly with a group of single women, who like her have been out of it for what seems like easily a decade. When one is divorced since 1999 and the years roll without a break, and easily a decade passes, I think that's a sad thing.

Some who have been through a divorce rationalize being alone and not putting up with the someone's foibles, as the better option. I like to think that we don't tend to have the same problem in each relationship, so therefore it's worth it now and again to put your toe out and test the water...regardless or not if it's colder than you thought or if you've got an irrational fear of ankle biting sharks.

None of us are the complete package; therefore be reasonable and somewhat optimistic about what you're looking for.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > loneliness question? Single for too long is not good?