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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Dating single women with children.      Home login  
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 langenoir
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 1
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Dating single women with children.Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I’m single, almost 30, and I really don’t see myself as wanting children. I try to make every effort to contact only women who say they either don’t want children or are undecided. Even if I met someone who was absolutely perfect in every other way I’d still say I’m 70/30 against it. I don’t want someone perfect, I want to meet someone real.

My mother was married before she met my dad. She had a daughter and divorced the man because he was an abusive alcoholic and I don’t blame her. So it’s not like I don’t understand certain circumstances.

So why am I mean or selfish because I don’t want to date a woman with children?
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 2
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Dating single women with children.
Posted: 5/19/2009 10:07:34 AM

So why am I mean or selfish because I don’t want to date a woman with children?

Ever heard of psychological warfare?

Or projection? (A good offense is the best defense.)
Dating single women with children.
Posted: 5/19/2009 11:35:39 AM
doesn't make you selfish, just reduces your fishing pond to a small puddle. but if your cool with that, rock on.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 4
Dating single women with children.
Posted: 5/19/2009 11:47:08 AM
It does reduce your possibilities quite a bit, but never apologize for wanting to make wise choices for your life and what's best for you. People who have kids for selfish reasons are doing much more damage than those who make the unpopular choices for their life. Children are a burden and huge responsibility even as a step-parent. I want all of a man's attention - not just what's left over after he deals with ex's and carpools.
 Commonsens
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 5
Dating single women with children.
Posted: 5/19/2009 3:45:26 PM
Just like anyone, you have a preference and have been very clear and open about it.

point.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 6
Dating single women with children.
Posted: 5/19/2009 3:51:27 PM

.In my opinion, single mothers tend to be far more responsible and make the best partners...

I hate to say it but it is glaringly obvious that they were not responsible in choosing a suitable partner to have children with in the first place - that is how they get to be single mothers unless they are widowed.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 7
Dating single women with children.
Posted: 5/19/2009 5:09:31 PM

Not necessarily, you see there are never any guarantees in any relationship; no one would have children with their partners if they knew for a minute they would be divorced. People change, people grow apart...

Much of the time women choose to ignore huge red flags and go ahead and get pregnant hoping it will "fix" the relationship. I grew up without a father - to a child the "reason" why the parents split up makes no difference. They still are being denied the loving parents they should have and can't understand how 2 adults can't get along.

So OP - the octamom is single
 ççç™
Joined: 4/21/2009
Msg: 8
Dating single women with children.
Posted: 5/19/2009 5:31:57 PM

Just be aware the pool of available women in your age group without children and who will never want children eliminates about 96% of the potential candidates.



Ohw I see, you pulled that out of your ass right there....
There are gazzilllion of women out there who don't have kids/ or want kids...at and around 30 .....
Usually, educated and career minded babes. Not the white trash types, ya know. Poping out babies like animals do!
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 9
Dating single women with children.
Posted: 5/19/2009 7:42:25 PM
OP...

I'm right there with ya brother. I don't want kids, won't date a woman with kids.

I have literally been chatted up for weeks by women who said the sun rose and set with my eyes, and then as soon as I told them I was not interested in a girl with kids,

I was a dirtyrottensonofa****.

Same with me too. My dad married my mom when she had a child. My mom and dad both told me I should stay away from dating women with children.

Being a parent is just a lifestyle I don't want, so I often wonder why it's ok in some women's minds to wish a cruel death on me just because I would not date them since jr. came along as part of the package.
 Lily0923
Joined: 5/28/2008
Msg: 10
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Dating single women with children.
Posted: 5/19/2009 7:57:15 PM
MacArthur: Common law marriage no longer exsists in most US states....

OP: As long as you are upfront with your views, I don't see a thing wrong with it, and I am a single mother. I'd rather have a man tell me that upfront and be friends, then to him and haw and beat around the bush about it until I am emotionally attached to him... but that's just me.

Personally I'm not a fan of single fathers, and I'm a single mother. I dated a man who had two children, his wife passed away, he was a wonderful man, but couldn't control his children... I ended it because things got serious and we talked of moving in together and my thought were that my daugher (who I'm strict with, and is almost a perfect child) would feel like Cinderella by her own mother. It wasn't fair to put her in a situation where his children walked all over him, and mine was expected to tow the line.
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 11
Dating single women with children.
Posted: 5/19/2009 11:21:41 PM
MILF does not stand for mother I'd like to date.
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 12
Dating single women with children.
Posted: 5/20/2009 1:10:06 AM
Uh oh 007... better go easy with truth like that or they'll eat you alive around here.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 13
Dating single women with children.
Posted: 5/20/2009 7:00:50 AM
So MissMewsic, I wonder if your mom knows just how irresponsibly you viewed her?

Things happen in marriages and sometimes it's the MOST responsible thing to end it as opposed to trying and stick with it "for the children's sake". It's what the parents do afterwards as far as getting along and sharing that makes a difference in the children's lives.


To be honest my mother's life was a mess. I was last of 5 kids and she took her anger out on me, and had regrets every day of her life. She hated kids and acted as if she had no choices in life - that we were simply forced upon her, yet when there other people around or listening she would tell people her kids were the best thing that ever happened to her. I was walking on eggshells most of my childhood hoping not to be beaten or screamed at. She despised my dad so much one of her fav things to say was "You're just like your dad." I got so tired of hearing her talk about how hard raising kids is and threating to turn over my sister and I to the court. My father actually left because he was afraid of my mother - she was violent, controlling and abusive. Sometimes there is mental illness on the part of the mother or father. People seem to go "blind" when they are in love and don't think things through. Divorce and single parenthood is stressful on the kids and the parent - financially and emotionally it's harder and that kind of stress brings out the worst in people - like mental illness. I have seen the worst - my mother. I am not repeating her misery. We have control of our fertility now and I value children too much to just have one by "mistake". You can go ahead and repeat the "single mother power" mantra all you want but I believe that it is only because they are choosing to make lemons out of lemonade by necessity, yet there are so many that are hateful and abusive behind closed doors. I am not bitter because I learned a valuable lesson from my mother - not to be like her and take responsibility for my own life and choices. She taught me that if a woman is going to have a kid with someone she better make damn sure he is going to stick around first.

My point is - if two parents split up because one of them is mentally ill, why would someone else be willing to invite that into their life? I fear dating single fathers if the ex is unbalanced. My life is happy, peaceful and focused and I don't ever want to revisit the dysfunction of divorce and the stress it creates. The person that ends up dating a single parent can eventually end becoming the whipping post for an angry single parent or ex. I have tried dating a few single parents and all they did was talk about how crazy, frigid and controlling their children's mother was. Too much drama.
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 14
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Dating single women with children.
Posted: 5/20/2009 8:48:05 AM
I told this lady I am currently dating that I am nowhere near wanting to be in a relationship...

The thing is... since they are fickle and their stand on things can blow around like a leaf in the wind, they often think you are the same way, and that they can "change" you -- once you realize just how stupendously great they are, of course.

Or if they hang around long enough they may catch you in a weak moment when you say something they can then hold you to in perpetuity (or else you're a liar).
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 15
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Dating single women with children.
Posted: 5/20/2009 9:13:52 AM

Rather than being surprised that people will hold you to things you say, try only saying things you actually mean.

Your every command is my deepest and only wish.
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 16
Dating single women with children.
Posted: 5/20/2009 10:12:20 AM

I don't think that's always true.

Lots of women in their 30s who are either unmarried and without children and have stayed that way because

1) No man wants them
2) The men who want those women aren't men those women want ( i.e. those women are unrealistic about what they have to offer and what they can really get)
3) Career women

I don't think that's all women in their 30s, I do think it's a whole lot of them.

Career women tend to have decent earning power and very very very very very very very very very very very very very few women will actually date and marry a man who makes much less than she does unless he is far better looking than her. The more you make as a woman and the more you hold to that tenet of earning power, the smaller pool of men there are that you will probably find available and desirable.

I think, IMHO, from my observations and experience that plenty of women will forego having children if you simply bring a lot to the table to offer in exchange. If the Prince is impotent or unwilling, he's still a Prince.

Most men will date to their best options. For attractive and successful men, they will have a large range of choices and, IMHO, single mothers will probably not be at the top of that list. For men who are moderately attractive and moderately successful, they will have some choices, single mothers might be at the top of that list given the range of opportunity. The reality is a single guy in his 30s with a house and a good career and is stable and won't beat a woman or cheat on her has a chance with a single mom who is far better looking than he would normally get if she didn't have a kid. Unfortunately lots of guys don't date single mothers because very very very few women survive the rigors and strain of age and child birth to appear physically attractive enough to those men enough to get an actual commitment.

To most single and childless men, dating a single mother is usually not the top of their list of ideal and desirable long term mates. Ladies, argue this as you wish, the evidence doesn't lie. There is an entire section of this forum devoted to single parents. There are lots of dating sites catering to single parents. There are support groups and articles discussing how single parents can get more dates and appeal to more dating candidates. The term "single parent" would not be so prevalent if they were getting swept up from the dating market and lots of desirable suitors came calling all the time.

Women, in 99.9 percent of cases, esp in the western world, have complete and absolute power in who they have sex with, who they marry and who they have children with and if they have children at all. If a woman picks poorly in a mate and picks poorly in a husband and/or father, then she will have to live with the fallout of those choices, including having probable limited dating options down the road.

For single and childless men in their 30s, the less money you make and the less you have to offer, the more likely that single mothers will be at the top of your list for desirable dating options given the full range of options you have. For single and childless men in their 30s, the more money you make and the more you have to offer, the less likely single mothers will be at the top of your list for desirable dating options.

My opinion? If you are single childless man in your 30s and you don't wish marriage and you don't wish children, then don't do pursue those things and don't ever do those things. Even if it costs you every single date you could have had for the rest of your life. There is no social stigma for men to be unmarried and not have children, the same is not true for never been married women as they get older. As long as you have your health, strong earning power and be a good person, you can live a solid and fulfilling life without a relationship and without wives and without children.


I completely concur and this is a very thoughtful, well written post.

I have personally had guy friends tell me that they only date single moms because, "they don't mind kids, and single moms have to try harder" They stated the hottest girls they've all dated were single moms.... because they could date "up" in looks in a girl had a child.

I say if a guy and girl get together and one of them or both of them have kids, awesome! And children need stability. It's good for everyone all around.

My problem is with women (and men) who say anyone who will not date someone who has a child is "shallow", or "scum." I've literally been cussed at and angrily stalked because I told a woman (very politely) that I am not interested in dating a single mother. That's not cool.
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 17
Dating single women with children.
Posted: 5/20/2009 10:23:51 AM

You are trying to make a point of saying you are actually mean and selfish.
And someone having kids still makes them real and unperfect. They just have more priorities and responsibilities when they have kids. Which will make you second.
Sometimes its better for guys like you never to have kids.


What a logical and empathic person you are! /sarcasm

Every guy wants to date a girl where he will automatically not be first in her life and not have her full attention. /sarcasm.

Obviously a man who does not want to date a woman with children will be a bad father too! /sarcasm
 trcaccount
Joined: 5/14/2009
Msg: 18
Dating single women with children.
Posted: 5/20/2009 12:35:52 PM
You're not mean or selfish.

I felt the same way when I was in my 20's and over a period of time things changed. My son didn't come along until I was in my 30's.

Just be clear and honest.
 lancewallach
Joined: 4/27/2009
Msg: 19
Dating single women with children.
Posted: 5/20/2009 12:38:01 PM
Great stuff. Kids are fine if they know how to play sports. A joke.
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 20
Dating single women with children.
Posted: 5/20/2009 3:05:18 PM

Soldier...I can only speak for myself and the single mothers that I know...I can assure you that your friend is dead wrong...If anything single mothers tend to be far more picky as to who they'll date..We have children that rely on us to make the right decisions, and trust me there is no way on God's earth I will ever introduce a man into my children's life if I knew for a minute that he didn't have ALL the qualities that I want in a man..


That makes a lot of sense Arabian.... but you've demonstrated time and again that you are a lot more intelligent and logical than the average woman. I would not consider your opinion or standards to be the norm.
 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 21
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Dating single women with children.
Posted: 5/20/2009 4:59:13 PM
OP - there's nothing selfish or being mean if you don't want to date women with kids. I'm preaching to the choir here, but it will reduce the eligibility pool. First and foremost, you've got to be honest with yourself, and then to others. If children't aren't your "want/desire", that's ok. It takes a hell of a lot of courage to stand above the masses, and stick to your guns.
I've never wanted kids and have never had any. I'm happy with my decision. Oooh, in the 1980's when I was married, I was looked at as some freak because I didn't want kids.
Even at the tender young age of 53, it has considerably narrowed my dating pool because a good many men over the age of 45 have kids under the age of 18. Go figure.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 22
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Dating single women with children.
Posted: 5/20/2009 7:56:55 PM
Some people aren't kid people, doesn't make you a bad person but you could also change your mind at some point. Apparently men have a biological clock too, however, if your views do not change, if you will not be happy if children are the mix, it is unselfish to be honest and find someone with whom you are compatible.
 elmuchoburrito
Joined: 8/27/2013
Msg: 23
Dating single women with children.
Posted: 9/26/2013 8:24:09 PM
Children are wholly preventable
Single moms are easily avoidable

Its your life - live it they way you want
(and yes, do a search for has kids / vs no kids / undecided - for the same location and age parameters - watch the numbers plummet - pick a zip code - any zip code at all )
 DomG79
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 24
Dating single women with children.
Posted: 9/28/2013 5:54:11 PM

I’m single, almost 30, and I really don’t see myself as wanting children. I try to make every effort to contact only women who say they either don’t want children or are undecided. Even if I met someone who was absolutely perfect in every other way I’d still say I’m 70/30 against it. I don’t want someone perfect, I want to meet someone real.

My mother was married before she met my dad. She had a daughter and divorced the man because he was an abusive alcoholic and I don’t blame her. So it’s not like I don’t understand certain circumstances.

So why am I mean or selfish because I don’t want to date a woman with children?


If you lived where I live, you wouldn't have the luxury of dating women without children. They are few and far in between. Women here are born pregnant.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 25
Dating single women with children.
Posted: 9/28/2013 8:51:49 PM
geez, all the hatin' on single moms...so OK, you've narrowed down your list of potentials, due to what you want in a woman, and its somehow their fault you have fewer chances now?

I feel for the single moms just b/c I spent five years taking care of elderly parents--I know what its like to be responsible for someone else and have less time for yourself as a result.

Its good to have a clear idea of what you want in a partner--but unless you live in a densely populated area or are willing to travel, you reduce your choices as a result. Consider joining a hobby that those with time on their hands can engage in--it may divert your mind from your reduction in choices, while in the same time expose you to only those people who have more time on their hands...b/c they aren't caretaking for someone else.
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