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Joined: 7/25/2006
Msg: 2
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Cheating mother Page 1 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
Has she actually met with these guys or is she just IMing/texting with them?
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 6
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/21/2009 4:02:36 PM
First, you should NEVER have snooped in your mother's business. There have been forums about not snooping on SOs and offspring, and that stands for parents, as well.

What I find sad is that you are considering cutting your mother out of your life! Tell me, what could YOU possibly do that would make her cut you out?

YOU have NO idea if your parents' marriage is good or not. You don't know what has been said or done behind closed doors or when you are/were gone.

Leave it alone. If you need to talk to someone, see a counselor.
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 8
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/21/2009 4:04:50 PM
Shell225 is right. You have no idea what mother's life has been like. You are not in her shoes. She is human and humans make mistakes. We aren't perfect. No one likes to think that their parents would be unfaithful. It's heartbreaking just to contemplate the thought. You need to discuss the situation with your mom in a calm and rational manner. Don't come at her in an accusatory manner. Tell her that you have seen some of her emails and you are concerned about her relationship with your father. Ask if there is any way you can help the situation. Try not to judge her. Tell her that you love both her and your dad and that you would like to see them work this out. It is not your place to go to your father. You do not know if she has been unfaithful, in the physical sense.

Try not to take sides in this situation. You don't know the whole story. No one but your parents know what their marriage is really like and what has transpired over the years. If your mother refuses to discuss the matter with you, perhaps you can talk with one of her sisters to whom she is very close, and maybe she can get through to her.

I'm sorry you are in such pain. It wasn't your place to snoop into your mother's affairs... no pun intended.
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 11
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/21/2009 4:19:51 PM
~OP~ Did it EVER occur to you that your father may already know? If she's been doing this for as long as you suspect, and he doesn't have a clue ~ there is a LOT more wrong in the relationship than him being unemotional/grumpy/etc. Stay out of their marriage. You have NO clue what's gone on, what's going on nor is it up to you to play Town Crier to your father. There are many people who choose to ignore the realities they live with and what if you do tell him and he has NO clue? Are you prepared to help him through a divorce, loneliness, etc., should that occur? Some people (you are too young to understand this) prefer to be with someone than no one at all. I'm not saying her actions are acceptable, but I can say: it's not up to you to judge your mother. You don't know her and feel she's a stranger/fraud because you haven't chosen to see her as a woman. You only see her as something you possess: a mother. JMO
Joined: 1/28/2008
Msg: 14
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Show your father what you found!!!
Posted: 5/21/2009 4:38:55 PM
Despite the many posts that say you don't know what your mother has been through, and why she may be cheating, you should present your father a printout of what you've discovered. Let him decide his course of action. It doesn't matter what your dad has done, he deserves to know what is going on. If he does already, then he probably won't do anything. If he doesn't know, then there is a possibility he'll want a divorce. Be prepared for that. Nobody deserves to be cheated on.

If your mother states she's been suffering in any way, it doesn't take away from the fact that she could have asked for a divorce rather than to make a fool of your dad (that is if he doesn't know already).

When a person wants to get out of a relationship, they should tell their spouse of their intention of getting a divorce first, then file for the divorce. Once it's finalized, then that person would be free to see other people. Doing it in any other order is very disrespectful and just plain wrong. How many of those people who responded to this thread would like to have remained in the dark if THEIR significant other was cheating on THEM. I doubt any of them would.
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 15
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Here is what you should do....
Posted: 5/21/2009 4:40:11 PM
BINGO what shell said: ((((People cheat for any number of reasons. Unless you live your mothers life, walk in her shoes and have insight into her thoughts and emotions, then you have NO IDEA what her marriage is like, you have NO IDEA why she is doing what she is doing, and you have NO IDEA whether she has actually cheated or not.

Surprise ... your mother is human, and it may come as a shock but this actually isnt about YOU. Its about your mother, your father and their relationships. Not to mention its none of your business and I hope that you've learnt a lesson, dont read what isnt yours to read, dont play private investigator in other peoples lives, and dont ask questions that you dont want the answer to.

By delving into her private correspondance, without her knowledge or consent, by downloading programs intent on 'catching' her, you have exhibited the exact same untrustworthy and dishonest behaviour that you say she is exhibiting.))))
Joined: 1/28/2008
Msg: 18
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Cheating mother
Posted: 5/21/2009 5:13:06 PM
It almost seems funny to me that people are defending your mother.


It doesn't matter what she's been through, she is still guilty of cheating on your dad!

Why she is doing it is irrelevant!

You are NOT in the wrong at all. As I mentioned earlier, print out what you've discovered and let your dad read it. At that point, it'll be his informed decision as to what he wants to do. Respect that. You don't owe your mother any kind of apology at all. She should be the one apologizing to both you and your dad!

I'm guessing the people that are trying to defend her actions are people that have rationalized their own cheating ways in the past. There is no reason on earth why it would be okay to cheat on one's own spouse.
Joined: 3/3/2009
Msg: 19
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Cheating mother
Posted: 5/21/2009 5:14:37 PM
OP, I understand that you have lost respect for your mother. I went through something similar but it was my father doing the cheating not my mother. One thing you need to understand though is that she is not cheating on you. Her relationship with you is separate from her relationship to your father. As long as she was a decent mother to you then she is still deserving of your love and respect. I know that it is very hard not to take sides. I know that I felt very badly for my mother and I felt that I should stop loving my father as a way to punish him for cheating on her. What it took me a long time to understand is that it wasn't my place to judge him on what kind of husband he was. Just as it isn't your place to judge what kind of wife your mother is.

Now, as for what you should do with the knowledge you have...the reason no one likes to be the bearer of bad news is because many times "the messenger gets shot." Think long and hard before going to your father with this knowledge. It is very possible that he knows that something is going on but is choosing to ignore it. He may resent you for forcing him to see the truth. There are so many possible scenarios as to what could be going on that you would not be privy to. Unfortunately for you it seems that ignoring it is not a possibility so in your shoes before I even considered speaking with my father I would confront my mother with the evidence gathered. Give her a chance to come clean with your father. Be prepared for the backlash of your snooping. I understand that it was your computer but you did take the steps of installing a key logger.
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 21
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Cheating mother
Posted: 5/21/2009 5:24:51 PM
Many of us have known about our parents indiscretions over the years, especially those that have been married multiple times. None of us really understand what goes on between two people that may or may not let you or anyone know what they have gone through or why.

Maybe it is time for you to take care of yourself, and not be so judgmental about your mother without knowing what she is really thinking, doing and why. You father may have done some things to her long ago, and now she might feel it is her turn. She may have stayed because of the children when she wanted to leave long ago, or many many other reasons.

I suggest counseling and some serious discussions about your anger, and finger pointing without understanding it all. Sure it hurts to find out that one of your parents cheated on another, and seemed to be doing just what they taught you not to do. No one is right here, and by you harboring such disgust makes me feel that there is much more to this, than being shared.

Time to stop snooping, and stop being so judgmental, and work on your life, and if that means that you need to move out and start fresh for yourself, so be it. Come back in about 20 years, and let us know how pure you still are, and how your marriage never suffered in any way.

I am not condoning affairs, but as someone that has endured much of what you are going through, I now understand it better as I have gone through some of it myself. When someone cheats on us, it changes us and our relationship, and many times we change enough to do things we would never have considered before, right or wrong.

Good counseling, self examination, and maybe some empathy might help you, and then when right, you just might want to have a long loving conversation with your mother about it all.

Just my opinion........
Joined: 1/28/2008
Msg: 22
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Cheating mother
Posted: 5/21/2009 5:32:40 PM
Saying he's meddling and spying IS defending his mother. The mother chose to use HIS computer. He had every right to see what his computer was being used for.

There is NO evidence to suggest his dad is cheating. However, even he was, that doesn't change the fact that SHE is cheating. She is still wrong.

It is the son's business. He loves both of his parents. He should let them know what is going on precisely because he loves them. If he does nothing, he is condoning what she's doing. That's wrong (unless they have an open marriage). He has to get involved because his dad is getting hurt and being made a fool of.....that is if he doesn't know already.

The fact that the son is living with his parents is irrelevant at this point.
Joined: 1/28/2008
Msg: 26
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Cheating mother
Posted: 5/21/2009 6:02:36 PM
The reason I feel you should present your father with a printout of what you found, is so he sees exactly what you found---nothing more, nothing less. That way you don't get any of the facts wrong. You don't want to make it seem anything more than what it is, and you don't want to minimize what it is either.

The show "Cheaters" has it right. The person being cheated on has a right to make an informed decision about the future of any relationship.

One other thing.....despite her actions, your mother is still your mother. It may be better for you to resist the temptation to call her names.
Joined: 1/28/2008
Msg: 28
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Cheating mother
Posted: 5/21/2009 6:12:52 PM
"If I decide to come forward with it, it's gunna be either through her or my brother."

Don't get your brother to come forward with it. You do it. Or at the very least, tell your mother to come forward immediately, otherwise you will.

It's a drag that you let your mother cheat again today. You should have notified your dad right away.
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 30
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/21/2009 6:16:18 PM

My mom wanted me here

OP ~ seriously now. This is beginning to make less and less sense the more you McCain (explain, explain, explain.) I think it's drama you crave, and not because of post #1, but the subsequent posts:

If I decide to come forward with it, it's gunna be either through her or my brother

Now you're going to involve other family members? That's certainly a wise decision. Let's just get everyone all up in arms. If you simply can't remain quiet, go straight to the source. You stated that your Mother wanted you in her home, sounds to me like she is open to what you might have to say (I mean, she did want you there after all......) Tell her what you know, pack your stuff, move out, and let her deal with this. If you aren't satisfied with how she chooses to deal with her own life? I dunno, poke your own eyes out with a blunt object or something. You deem what's "punishment enough" for the woman who wanted you enough to raise you then allowed you to return to her home and get on with it. Enough explaining already. Good grief. (Oh, don't forget to take 1/2 the "shiit" in the house, it's your's remember.) JMO
Joined: 1/28/2008
Msg: 32
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Cheating mother
Posted: 5/21/2009 6:23:40 PM
"You are not an innocent victim. You didn't just happen to find this stuff. You went searching for it." bbw2love

She's right. You aren't an innocent victim. You're a witness. Your dad is the victim (if he doesn't know already).

All you should do is show your dad what you found on the computer. You don't have to say much at all.
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 34
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/21/2009 6:26:42 PM
Do you know where I could go that doesn't cost me too much dough? I agree, I need to talk to someone but can't really afford professional help as of now and I am way too embarrassed and utterly ashamed to talk to friends about it.

I take this as a reflection on myself in a way. It's like my whole life was a farce. The person that I was using as a model for what a wife should be ended up being the exact opposite. She's out with a guy right now, shes gunna come home with a smirk on her face thinking how clever and decietful she is. It pisses me off.

I decided when I found the stuff that I'm not going to tell my dad. If I decide to come forward with it, it's gunna be either through her or my brother. I had to vent about it though cause it's been killing me and I was looking for advice, not personal attacks because I found some blatantly obvious and adulterous comments on my computer.

I didn't go searching for it, there was a message sitting right on my monitor. When I searched I was hoping to find something that suggested that I misunderstood the message. I was searching for her innocence which wasn't there.

And to the guy that keeps making jokes, there's a reason why you're single one likes a sarcastic fat guy. Hit the treadmill.

And yeah my mom wanted me here, I guess you don't like your kids or something, but my mom went through a severe depression while I was gone to school and she wanted me back for a while.

First--I think you're a Troll.
Second--grow up and get a life that belongs to you, not your mother. (if this is, in fact, the truth)
Third--'severe depression'...could that be a clue to your mother's actions?
Fourth--no one is going to want you around after you surprise your parents with your little undercover discovery.
Fifth--did I mention that I think you're a Troll?
I noticed my mother constantly secretly texting people.
If she was 'secretly' texting, how did you happen to notice it? Over and over and over...
Seventh--I still think you're a Troll.
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 37
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/21/2009 6:44:05 PM

I had to pick something in those spaces or they wouldn't let me make a profile and post on here. If you read the rest of my profile it quite clearly states that I'm not looking for women but just for advice.

Why do I smell a rat or something rotten in Denmark? Who makes a profile on a DATING site merely to seek advice?

I fully understand that things might be different behind closed doors, but you never cheat, you leave if it's that band, but I guess she can't go without the coin he brings in or something cause she's a money grubbin bit*h

I am not Christian, but let he/she who is without sin cast the first stone. It must be great to be 22 years old and know everything in the world and to be so perfect.

You are a hurt child.

Go ahead, cut your mother out of your life, and in a year, two years, five years, you will look back and wonder why you did so. If you don't wonder why you did it, you will be so hardened and bitter that it will eat away at your insides for the rest of your life and affect every relationship that you have.

I have done things in my life that I know abhorred my two sons, and when I left their father, they were both younger than you. They stuck with me, though, because they knew the unconditional love I had for both of them--and they returned it.

Amazing how two teenagers could be more mature than you--a 22 year old college graduate.
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 43
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/21/2009 7:36:36 PM
HEY!!! that's my popcorn! You where supposed to bring the nachos and cheese!
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 52
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Cheating mother
Posted: 5/21/2009 11:38:03 PM
[ qoute] I can't bring myself to tell anyone about it, not even my girlfriend. I feel alone with this terrible secret. [/qoute]

That is very kind of you as son not to tell to any one especially your girlfriend,what's going on with her, She is your mom so treat her with decency, don't aire dirty linen in public so to speak, perhaps it is something like hormones/ or medicine? that is affecting the mind of your mom.Or sometimes an older woman goes in to those phazes. If I were you I 'll talk to her privately ... I bid you Peace.
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 53
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/22/2009 7:11:42 AM

I can't bring myself to tell anyone about it, not even my girlfriend. I feel alone with this terrible secret.

Then later states that he has talked to his brother about this! He goes to his older brother for advice.

That's one reason--another is that he said he created a profile on POF JUST to seek advice. that is sublimely ridiculous.

He says nothing about her having sex in the first post, then she is:

Okay, well she's with a guy now, and yeah I know they were having sex cause she typed it.

Sounds like an afterthought to make the scenario worse.

Also, in the first post, he says that this was the last thing he would expect of his mom, then in subsequent posts, says she is a money-grubbing b*tch! As he progresses, she goes from a seemingly well intentioned, loving mother who is having an online flirtation with a man, then several men, then actually having sex with at least one, to a horrible mother who is with his father because of money.

The situation gets worse and worse--next she will be selling the family dog to buy drugs.

He either isn't telling the truth or he isn't telling the truth--which means somewhere, he isn't telling the truth. He also DEFLECTS any advice.

To the poster who said why bother to express an opinion as to whether it is a troll or not: because I and other posters wrote sincere, heartfelt suggestions and advice to the troller. A liar is a liar and anyone who takes advantage of the good intentions of another person needs to be exposed.
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 54
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/22/2009 7:24:27 AM

at some point he does say that in reading his mother's correspondence she tells one of the men she is talking to that her husband knows nothing about the affair.

Even if this were true--it doesn't mean that the father wouldn't know.

The OP is making stuff up as he goes along, countering things he originally didn't think to include.
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 55
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Cheating mother
Posted: 5/22/2009 7:42:41 AM
"Most of these values I learned from my mom......which causes me even more grief, it's like all these teachings from her were a load of BS. Do as I say, not as I do..... I guess."

And she taught you to go talk about a person behind their back on a public forum vs going to that person and saying all that you have said to us to her? Backstabbing vs honest communication? I mean 1 day of asking advice is one thing, but we are now in six pages of grovelling in this garbage.

Go talk to your mother. Your father has done nothing that justifies her behavior not because of your particular situation but because one person's behavior is never justified by another. that is blaming vs self-responsibility. You don't have to defend him. On the other hand, you've never been married for 28 years and you have no idea what your mother is going through that she is behaving as she is. I am sure she cannot justify it to your satisfaction. But she was supposed to teach you not to judge another person.

Until you talk to your mom you will not know if the person who tells dad is her or you. One of you will. Why? Because we are as sick a our secrets. Keep her secret and you are doing to your dad exactly what she is doing. Allow her the opportunity to go to him herself and see if the relationship can recover from her behavior. If she doesn't go to him, then you have to. that simple. Should have taken under 10 posts to get to.
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 56
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All of this...
Posted: 5/22/2009 8:47:22 AM
This is my first post! cool! To bad its probably going to really tick people off > (.

This is coming from someone that was in a 20 year marriage / relationship.

What have we come to? Is his mother doing something wrong? yes or no. If yes, then why is everyone so afraid of calling her on it? After reading these forums for a few years, when these types of posts occur, most responders say they would want to know if they were in that situation. Not all, but most.

Yet, if they knew about a situation they would keep quiet. It just does not make sense to me.

If the father knows, then its a little bit of an embarrasement and life goes on. If the father doesnt know, he has a right to know. Yes, I said a right to know. Who knows what std she is bringing home to the marital bed. What if she gets pregnant? Its not to late. There was a news story couple days ago, about a mother who gave birth to faternal twins....... from different fathers! Guess what, the husband did not know.

Correct me if I am wrong here, but in canada, doesn't that make the husband reliable for the boyfriends kid for the next 20 plus years? Even in the US, if the husband gets listed as the father on the birth certificate. That would kind of tick me off, to find out then. Don't know and can't answer for anyone else.....

He is their son, but he is also part of the family and what his mother is doing IS affecting the entire family. Its affecting the son now. Its affecting the father, he just doesn't know how much yet (poor sap).

We need to stand up for whats right. Not let those who are doing wrong get away with it, because its none of our business. All that does is encourage the wrong doers. Yes they will get upset and blame you. Turn it back on them, they wouldn't be in trouble if they weren't doing something wrong!

This novel is why I try to stay of message boards. Sorry for the rant, but it my opinion. Wholly responsible for misspellings and other assorted errors.
Joined: 12/3/2007
Msg: 60
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Cheating mother
Posted: 5/22/2009 11:51:07 AM
WOW the amount of women and men telling you to stay out of it and defending her cheating is just shocking becuse "she is a adult" well fine she should KNOW better then!

I do have to agree talk to mom first, and let her know that you arnt going to sit on this forever either she can tell dad or you will.

and a interesting point I wonder if so many women would defend the DAD if the story was reversed!
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 61
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Cheating mother
Posted: 5/22/2009 12:02:14 PM
It's interesting that so many women are defending his mother's cheating ways. Sure, it really isn't his business and he was clearly wrong to spy on her.

That said, what if it was his FATHER cheating on his mother, instead? Would you be saying the same things to him, defending and rationalizing his father's actions? I think not! You'd probably say he should tell his mother in that case.
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 63
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/22/2009 12:41:34 PM
I've raised two sons, one of which is this young man's age.

My first response while reading all this was the same as Rock's.

I thought Troll.

I'm not sure how I feel after reading it all.

But, much of what this poster is saying I could easily imagine one of my sons, who are his age feeling and saying.

Young men who have sensitive hearts, DO hurt when they're betrayed. Discovering a mother behaving in this manner - would be hurtful. He'd be running the gamut of emotions and looking for help anywhere he could.

I agree his arguments some of them, seem to indicate he really isn't seeking help. He wants the anger to do something rash and harsh to hurt her as he perceives he is being hurt.

That's normal.

Whether this is real or not.
The mother has behaved shamefully.
He has the right to confront her. But I'd recommend if you love your mother in any way, even though you don't respect approach her with the understanding that this doesn't have anything to do with the love she has for you. She was and is and always will be your mom, she birthed you, she's raised you and she loves you.

You can never know what is in her heart, or their marriage until you talk with her, and listen with an open heart and mind.

That's the only way to prevent the anihilation of your family, your brothers and your father.

You think you're a man? Act like one now.
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