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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > I'm seperated three years, should I just lie about it already?      Home login  
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 Lobo_Corazon
Joined: 2/6/2009
Msg: 7
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I'm seperated three years, should I just lie about it already?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Be honest. The only people who will turn you down based on being separated are the ones who refuse to date someone who's separated - i.e. they don't want to date you until you get your situation resolved... So how would lying to them help?

I'm talking long-term obviously - If all you are interested in is a fling, than I suppose the rules are a little different.
 Landra
Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 8
I'm seperated three years, should I just lie about it already?
Posted: 5/21/2009 11:54:46 PM
Question:
I'm seperated three years, should I just lie about it already?

Answer:
I don't want any potential relationship to start out with a lie
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 15
I'm seperated three years, should I just lie about it already?
Posted: 5/22/2009 7:57:03 AM
Don't lie about it.

I guess that I am one of the few women who will date a man who has been separated for quite some time.

I am willing to do so because, unlike other posters, I KNOW there are reasons why divorces are not quick. My divorce took over three years, and not because I dragged my feet or thought there was any chance of reconciliation, but because my ex dragged it for monetary and psychological reasons--and because his lawyer was getting $200 and then $250 an hour.

All told, we had three divorce hearings and it was over four years from the time I left for us to be officially divorced.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 17
I'm seperated three years, should I just lie about it already?
Posted: 5/22/2009 9:02:18 AM
Circumstances have prevented us from getting the divorce at this time

I have a hard time believing when people say this. To me, if divorce is something you REALLY want to do, you will do it. I don't really CARE about the situation, it's just pretense. Call me after you get the finalized divorce. I do not recommend lying on your profile--GET THE DIVORCE.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 23
I'm seperated three years, should I just lie about it already?
Posted: 5/22/2009 10:19:11 AM
she is single, (or so she says)

What the hell is that supposed to imply--that I'm lying about being single? Let's just say that I am not surprised you don't understand the word "judgemental".

This is no mere 'inconvenience' for me--if you get involved with someone who has unfinished business (for example, A WIFE), it's extra drama and a likely heartache for you. People who are "separated" are "still married"--this is not judgement, this is reality.

Plus, you'd think after so many years, you'd know how to SPELL it.
 cannpeters
Joined: 10/7/2007
Msg: 27
I'm seperated three years, should I just lie about it already?
Posted: 5/22/2009 11:59:57 AM
Lying will come back to bite you in the butt. Just realize that some women will not date separated men. I'm not saying divorces are always easy - I figure people are not divorcing due to issues related to money or children. However, many women do not want the drama that the separated situation often brings. I'm not saying there is always drama. Often there is.

Also, one more reason is because many separated people are on the rebound. I've been the rebound girl. Not fun. Someone is always going to get hurt in these situations, usually the person not on the rebound who is looking for a serious relationship. It's best for people to get over the issues surrounding the loss of a marriage before trying to move on.

My suggestion is to be honest about being separated and the reason(s) you are still separated. Do this up front, so that neither party wastes time. And work on a divorce, if at all possible.
 Lobo_Corazon
Joined: 2/6/2009
Msg: 29
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Exactly....
Posted: 5/22/2009 12:35:58 PM

anyone who doesn't want to speak to / meet / date me because I am separated isn't someone I'd want to associate with romantically in any regard. They either have goals that I don't have (marriage), or they are more narrow minded, judgmental, and ignorant (at least about some things) than I care for.

When you have real assets (not just a dog), children, etc. divorces take time. Also, as other have cited, many people chose not to divorce for a myriad of reasons.

Hmm... I daresay those folks would have a similar attitude about you, so yep, just as well that you don't waste your time with each other.

Narrowminded and ignorant to choose to look for someone who isn't still in a business relationship with their ex over day-to-day financial stuff like shared insurance? I daresay all of us have stuff on our list of preferences that is quite a bit more superficial, if we want to be honest about it.

Just because you aren't someone's cup of tea, doesn't automatically mean they have a problem. (Cut-and-paste from all the "why won't they date me just because I'm overweight or short or bald or unemployed or live with my parents or whatever" threads.) If someone prefers to date unmarried people, more power to them for exercising judgement in important choices!
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 31
I'm seperated three years, should I just lie about it already?
Posted: 5/22/2009 3:10:48 PM
I'm curious as to why people only call others "judgemental" when they disagree. Oh, and also "closed-minded" when they disagree. Small minds can't conceive of anyone being intelligent AND not thinking the same.
 clasact
Joined: 1/18/2008
Msg: 34
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I'm seperated three years, should I just lie about it already?
Posted: 5/22/2009 4:49:12 PM

This is my dilema.... tell the truth and get passed over, or lie, and possibly start a relationship then have it bite me in the ass later down the road.

Dilemma?
It's a dilemma to you to tell the truth or to lie in order to have what you want when you want it?

If you tell a lie, you'll end up having to tell quite a few more just to cover up the original lie.


Any suggestions? (I know, get divorced then you won't have to lie) any other suggestions?

Get a divorce then there's no lies.
Yeah, I know, that's not what you wanted to hear, but it IS, what it IS.
And sometimes there's just things that you don't want to hear, yet some of those things are the correct path to choose....rather than lie.
 Lobo_Corazon
Joined: 2/6/2009
Msg: 45
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I'm seperated three years, should I just lie about it already?
Posted: 5/23/2009 11:29:18 PM

No one wants to date a man with unfinished business.
So if my exwife left with my insurance agent, breached a separation agreement, and courts have f**cked around for FIVE years I am supposed to be a monk or is this where prostitution is applicable?!?!

Get a better lawyer?

Or find a woman who is OK with it. Lying still does you no good in terms of forming a meaningful relationship. Sooner or later she's going to find out.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 51
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I'm seperated three years, should I just lie about it already?
Posted: 5/24/2009 11:37:28 AM
The answer is obvious OP; wouldn't you much prefer someone was honest with you, even if it was complicated, rather than have you find out later? And how hard would you be kicking yourself if you chased a good woman out of your life because she found out you weren't honest with her?

You have to understand that most people who refuse to date separated folks learned that lesson the hard way. I know I did, and that's the reason for my feelings on the subject. But I also know that we don't always live in a black and white world, and if she told me some of the circumstances involved, I might be willing to consider it. If she told me she was divorced though, and then I found out she was only separated, I'd be walking the other way. Put a little explanation in your profile about your separation and you should be just fine. And most of all, get the situation resolved; 3 years is plenty of time to get a divorce!
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 55
I'm seperated three years, should I just lie about it already?
Posted: 5/25/2009 12:44:01 PM
If I had a nickel for every separated person that said divorce is imminent I'd make Bill Gates mow my lawn. Not going there.

What person wants to get into something with someone with unfinished business? I sure dont.

Something isn't right; and yes 3 years is way too long; everyone says the same thing; you just dont know the sitatuion. Frankly most people have their own problems and dont really care.

Facts;

1. you are still married
2. if someone dates you they are dating a married person.
3. they do not know the truth and whether you are still hung up on your ex or vice versa

The avg. divorce takes 6 months to a year. If you guys have the time to date and be friends, then get your stuff together and finalize it. Dont' lie; you will get burned.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 56
I'm seperated three years, should I just lie about it already?
Posted: 5/25/2009 12:45:49 PM
And if you are staying in something just for the money or insurance, where does it end? how long will it go on? Too weird for me.

And yes your financial biz is someones business if you get serious; if you have a list of bankruptcy's or can't make it on your own because you can't get divorced then yes, it's important.
 mcguy1
Joined: 8/27/2008
Msg: 62
I'm seperated three years, should I just lie about it already?
Posted: 5/27/2009 5:13:43 PM
I am separated and have been for almost 2 years. My ex lives in another country and I have not seen her for almost a year. We talk on occasion regarding my daughters but other than that, we have nothing to say to each other. It really doesn't matter to me if I am married to her or not, however, if I met someone that I feel I want to get serious with, it would happen very quickly.

The women that won't date separated men have every right to their opinions and I respect them for it. I am thankful that there are some very nice ladies that do not share their views. jmo
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 64
dumazz
Posted: 5/27/2009 8:30:41 PM

...they say stupid shit like this:

Nothing I said was "stupid", and your argument was your opinion versus my opinion. You just have a trigger reaction because it hurts your feelings, since you're still married and so many women won't date you because of your unfinished business.

This is not judgemental:
I won't date married guys because they have wives.
If I date a guy with a wife, it's likely to end in heartache for me.

This IS judgemental:
That was a stupid statement.
This is where the "ignorant" thing comes in.

Actually, legal defs and colloquial uses are two separate things; your argument is with semantics, and you know you are misrepresenting things on PURPOSE.
I never said separated people are bad people (THAT would be judgemental), I just said I don't believe that it takes 3 years for someone who WANTS to be divorced to get divorced. In fact, everything I have said I have been pretty clear that it's my opinion.
 techgirl27
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 66
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I'm seperated three years, should I just lie about it already?
Posted: 5/28/2009 7:13:02 AM
I was separated for 3 and a half years. I found more social opportunities "in real life" than online during that period. I had my status truthfully stated the whole time, and I defended it. In person, no one knows what or who you are except what they see. There is no law that says separated people can't talk with others. It was over from day 1, just he kept pulling tricks in the paperwork process that made it more extensive. My "divorce" date means nothing except a box I check on applications. I was not magically "fixed" just by that date. I am the same person now I always was and will be, except I am out of what was a toxic relationship.
 Lobo_Corazon
Joined: 2/6/2009
Msg: 68
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I'm seperated three years, should I just lie about it already?
Posted: 5/28/2009 6:10:47 PM
True... But the same can be said for short guys, unemployed guys, overweight guys... People are going to avoid certain characteristics. No point complaining about it, just move on to someone who accepts you for what you are (and/or improve on what you can, if it makes sense to do so.)
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