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 dewsbury9
Joined: 9/3/2005
Msg: 2
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Why did you get divorced?Page 1 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
I am getting divorced because my husband of 9 weeks thought it would be OK for him to go online and look for intimate encounters, something he quicky found out I didn't agree with!
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 3
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Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/29/2009 8:59:08 PM
I have been teaching my children for years that they need to choose wisely, that it takes a hell of a lot more than love to make a marriage work. With mine, because my ex was a bipolar verbally and emotionally abusive husband and father, the question isn't why I left but why I stayed with him for 14 years; part of that was meaning the vows I took and doing everything I could to make things work; you can't be married by yourself.

My children have learned from watching our debacle and my talking to them that you establish how people will treat you fairly early in a relationship. If you put up with b.s. because someone had a bad childhood, a bad relationship before you, etc. that is the pattern you will set when the problems are inside the person, not due to circumstances.

I have also taught them that they should not even date someone they don't see themselves attached to for life in the event that there is a child. At their age, look for goals and good relationships with parents, good relationships between the boy/girl's parents. When they are older and considering living with or marrying someone they should discuss finances, how many childen they might wish to have, how they might raise them, religion and other values that might be important later but they aren't thinking about right then, how the person handles conflicts.

Maybe most importantly, you need to like in addition to loving the person. If the person is someone you would not be friends with because of the type of person they are without the attraction, you shouldn't be with them because that love is never going to withstand the beating that the other person is going to give it. Everything in life is balance. You cannot be rigid and without gray areas but you also need to avoid being a doormat.
 ixholla1
Joined: 4/27/2009
Msg: 4
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/29/2009 9:09:45 PM

I have been teaching my children for years that they need to choose wisely, that it takes a hell of a lot more than love to make a marriage work. With mine, because my ex was a bipolar verbally and emotionally abusive husband and father, the question isn't why I left but why I stayed with him for 14 years; part of that was meaning the vows I took and doing everything I could to make things work; you can't be married by yourself.


Well.... My marriage was just great until about 3-4 years ago when she was diagnosed as being BiPolar after she had a bout with depression. Then everything unraveled from there. I have 2 wonderful kids the divorce is a month away, I'm talking to her but limited as she thinks she's gonna be able to convince me to get back together before the divorce is final lol.

There are other reasons as well but the main one is she's just a very bad mixed up person.

But I'm happier without her than with her she's a living nightmare lol.

:D
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 5
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Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/29/2009 9:32:58 PM
OP, this may sound a bit crazy but my daughter and I have had several conversations about breaking cycles of dysfunction, marriages, divorce and one of the things we have noticed that I think is hopeful is how things have progressed with each successive generation which I don't think is necessarily bad.

The statistics on divorce aren't good, that is a given but I think my parent's generation stayed in bad marriages with the help of alcohol and that good old valium prescription. The kids living in middle class homes were taught that the dirt stays inside the family and consequently they are all kinds of screwed up emotionally because of the requirement that they keep the family secrets. I don't see most of these people as any more balanced than children whose parents were divorced because fighting, etc. is just as divisive as parents living separately can be.

The people from those marriages said fuk this, and got divorced, and made a huge mess of things because they didn't have a clue how to put the kids first and find a way to be amicable and co-parent. Most people reared during that era didn't have conversations with their parents about drugs and alcohol, sex, choosing good mates, we were let out to roam the world clueless. People divorced and one parent either walked and didn't look back or used the kids as pawns trying to hurt the ex.

What I see with my generation is that while we are still doing poorly in the picking a good mate area, I think we are doing better with divorce. Yes, there are still way too many grown-ups that think everything is about them but I am seeing a heartening number of people that are divorced, remarried, and it is like all the kids, are being raised by a team of 6 or more adults. I'm sure that people have their good and bad days but these people seem to honestly have come to like each other as well as the new spouses.

My daughter and I have talked about the hope that people her age will pick better, will have seen what their parents went through and actually thought about why the problems were there, things that they should look for in terms of the good, and what to avoid in the bad. I don't for a minute think any of my children will take marriage vows less seriously than I did, they will think more about the marriage than the wedding but they also know that it is possible to split and do things the right way which is pretty extraordinary considering the difficulty they and I have in dealing with their father.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 6
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Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/29/2009 10:38:30 PM
People marry too fast and not to mention, marry for the wrong reasons, one of them is the dream wedding age. some feel they need to marry at a certain age and want the dream wedding to happen. What lacked to make the marriages last these days is accountability and responsibility. People go wiht the flow, and don't work out the kinks, because they don't feel they need to cuz they can just move on to someone else. if they made divorce more harder to process, i'm sure it would be a good deterrent for couples to marry so fast. If the role model was seeing hollywood celebs marry and divorce then marry again in a quick span, they perhaps feel that's just convenient to get married then divorce too. I think also the internet has helped the long lasting marriages to end due to teh person feeling they have found a new love interest, and they are tired of being with someone for so long, that they want to take out the old and bring in the new.

What we can teach our kids,, accountablity for their actions and in trying to resolve issues before giving up, responsible in making sure that they have issues of their own resolved before thinking they can hide those issues by being with someone else, Giving their best in communication and be proactive in their relationship to not go towards complacency in themselves. To not settle for less in the reward that it will make them happy. And not giving them pressure to feel they are in a time limit to marry at a certain age. To help give them conscience when they are with someone long term and give them good advice in going over an y issues and seeing the significant other long term.
 jb101172
Joined: 5/26/2009
Msg: 12
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/30/2009 5:24:09 AM
I totally agree with you. It sounds like my EX and yours are just alike. I stayed with him for 14 years too long also. And I want to instill in my children the same values as you. Too many people take marriage too lightly and I dont want my children to do that.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 14
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Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/30/2009 10:55:13 AM

Of course, I can't know what it's like to live in your shoes, but from what it sounds like, you are abandoning your spouse for something out of her control. Didn't the vows include "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health"?

Sounds quite simple but people who are bipolar and refuse to seek treatment are horrible people. They aren't responsible for their behavior and yet again they are because they refuse to do anything about it, preferring to blame everyone and everything for their problems.

I could not write on this thread what my ex-husband has said to my children which is more important than all of the hateful things he has said and done to me over the years. It is truly like living with Cybil, you never know which person is going to walk in the door and quite often you don't have to say or do anything to earn a two hour diatribe about everything you have ever supposedly done, etc.

If there were no kids involved, you might have the luxury of continuing to put up with abuse the mentally ill person chooses to engage in because again, they won't seek treatment but that choice is gone when you have children that are being damaged by living with that parent. Even someone who seeks treatment, if they go off their meds, which many bipolar people do repeatedly, living with them is intolerable and can be dangerous because men and women that are bipolar are often violent.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 16
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Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/30/2009 1:18:48 PM
I had a friend who has had years with her bf/then to husband of on/off, fighting big time. she's 2 years married and fed up with her husband's issues. The way she reasons in staying with him were;

staying in there for better or worse, you can only put up with so much, but if he goes over the line *for her it's cheating or him looking at porn* then she'll divorce him. I guess everyone has a certain amount of limitations before they call it quits.

wanting a second child with the same father. she didn't want a different father, and with her age 35, it would be hard to find a commited relationship much less get pregnant.

he has a good retirement benefits.

When i saw her one time, she had bruises on her arm due to her fight with her hubby, i told her she could have reported him to thep olice, just in case he does worse later, her response, if i report him, his job would be jeapordized, since he's a correctional officer, and that wo uld mean if she broke it off with him, she wouldn't get that much for child support.

I can see how people should have certain limits they can put up with but to settle for less isn't healthy or make neither party happy
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 18
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Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/30/2009 6:32:35 PM
My Ex had always been self centered but after the kids were born it seemed to escalate. He would make life altering choices that he felt comfortable with and never would discuss with me till after the fact. Small issues like walking out on 7 jobs in 10 years or taking 5 grand out of the bank to buy a new lawn tractor or a few new suits.
You see female guests on Oprah with closets full of clothes they have never worn, he was the male equivalent except it was tools, high end electronics and materials for household projects that somehow never got started. He completely wasted a great education that took the first ten years of our marriage to achieve. He turned 40 and decided to no longer be a Director of Engineering but to be a house painter, then a chauffeur, then a truck driver............it was a nightmare. Had they been hiring cowboys or Astronauts in NH he probably would have tried those jobs as well.
I got sick of being the only adult that worried about bills, saving for retirement or the kids education.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 21
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Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/31/2009 5:01:21 AM

Wow! Did he have some sort of a break down or was it a mid life crisis or what? Did you guys get married really young?

We married at 23. I was already a college grad working full time and he worked full time and went to school the first ten years of our marriage. Those were the best ones. We had goals and helped each other reach them. I guess you can call it a midlife crises but it was deeper than that. Once he had the education he lost complete interest in working in that field.
I probably spent one night a month for 20 years listening to him lament about some band he played in before we met. He always felt he was meant to be a professional drummer. He blamed me for encouraging him to finish school and leaving music behind. But at the time we met he had not played in a year and no longer owned a drum set.
He had heart surgery two years before we divorced and literally died on the table only to be brought back. That was when the real changes occurred. He was so negative about our life afterwards and felt he had wasted his being an 8-5 guy and a husband.
 stevewl164
Joined: 5/10/2009
Msg: 22
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/31/2009 1:54:10 PM
Futureshock...I was thinking the same thing...then read his profile. He states he has values and then lists bipolar among other deal breakers. I can't be in his shoes and determine whether or not he has values or what makes it impossible for him or others to deal with a marriage relationship gone bad. It can't be easy when someone has a psychological problem...even if treated. What is sad is that the unknown "for better or worse" happens and people have innocent kids or an innocent..sometimes...spouce and the marriage ends. I watched my mom deal with my dad's alcoholism and emotional problems until she could no longer take it. He wasn't a bad or mean man...just selfish and often felt the "world was out to get him" instead of assuming responsibility for his own choices in his life. I was grown when she left him. Even then and knowing why...as a grown man I feel the product of a defective father. I wonder if HIS kids will feel defective and unworthy of love because their mom was ill?
 stevewl164
Joined: 5/10/2009
Msg: 23
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/31/2009 2:00:49 PM
Wish I could figure out how to do the quote thing! This is for "hooked and happy" just wondering WHERE you put that bat! LOL
 rayse
Joined: 1/17/2009
Msg: 25
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 5/31/2009 4:02:18 PM
People marry too fast and not to mention, marry for the wrong reasons, one of them is the dream wedding age. some feel they need to marry at a certain age and want the dream wedding to happen. What lacked to make the marriages last these days is accountability and responsibility. People go wiht the flow, and don't work out the kinks, because they don't feel they need to cuz they can just move on to someone else. if they made divorce more harder to process, i'm sure it would be a good deterrent for couples to marry so fast. If the role model was seeing hollywood celebs marry and divorce then marry again in a quick span, they perhaps feel that's just convenient to get married then divorce too. I think also the internet has helped the long lasting marriages to end due to teh person feeling they have found a new love interest, and they are tired of being with someone for so long, that they want to take out the old and bring in the new. - Wanderbaby
well said, wander! this was marriage #1 for me. two kids (22 & 19) getting married for just 10-months.

For me the ex hit 40 and decided she no longer wanted the responsibility of being a wife and mother. She wanted to be 18 again and me and the kids were not compatible with that. She does spend an hour a week with the kids, but beyond that feels no responsibility to them whatsoever. That hour or so she spends with them is conditional on her having nothing better to do. - xcheekychappyx
ditto. this was marriage #2 (10-year marriage) for me. she hit 30 and the itch came alive. we divorced a year later but thankfully as friends.

the common theme to both marriages/ex-wives? honesty. #1 was plain dishonest/unfaithful, partly because of her nature and upbringing but partly just because of her age/immaturity. #2 was dishonest to herself. she pretended she wanted something but staring at the rest of your life to back up that self-lie, scared the crap out of her imo.

if both parties enter the relationship honestly, there's a CHANCE for it. lies make for a very poor foundation ime. i'd like to think #2 and i simply met each other at the wrong times in our lives. we were quite happy for a period of time. but covering a lie (especially to oneself) takes too much out of a person imo. #1 was a youthful mistake, plain and simple.
 cotter
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 30
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Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/1/2009 6:15:55 PM

I am getting divorced because my husband of 9 weeks thought it would be OK for him to go online and look for intimate encounters, something he quicky found out I didn't agree with!
Said the lady who has been on this dating site since let's see .... September 2005.

OT ...
I got divorced because I just couldn't live with my husband anymore and stay sane. I chose my sanity.
 dewsbury9
Joined: 9/3/2005
Msg: 32
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Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/1/2009 6:53:25 PM

I am getting divorced because my husband of 9 weeks thought it would be OK for him to go online and look for intimate encounters, something he quicky found out I didn't agree with!

Said the lady who has been on this dating site since let's see .... September 2005.


Yes that's right - could it possibly be that I met him on here in 2005 and were together for 2 + years, and that rather than set up a new profile 2 months ago when I came back to the site I chose to use the same profile?

But congratulations on your ability to read dates - I'm sure it will take you far!
 optiquest24
Joined: 3/17/2009
Msg: 36
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/1/2009 8:04:40 PM
She decided she didn't want to be a Mom and took off.
 cion3
Joined: 5/23/2009
Msg: 38
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/2/2009 7:14:41 AM
It is always difficult to consider divorce when children are involved. Been divorced for twenty eight years and never looked back on my decision to leave. I was freshman in college when I eloped with my ex and in culture where marriage is the only alternative after having sex with someone, there is no other way but to get married. Marrying for the wrong reason is one of the biggest mistake made by people like us who becomes part of statistics in America today.
Have I regreted getting a divorce at 27? No, after five years I met my soulmate and enjoyed 20 plus years of happy marriage with my late husband. People make mistakes all the time. As a result, someone always get hurt especially children. Let's forgive ourselves and move on to find the right person. And this time, we will be careful and marry for the right reason. What I found was children are resilient to change. If given the proper guidance, they will turn out ok. Mine did. Thank you.
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 39
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/2/2009 7:32:58 AM
I got divorced because my x wife went crazy.

She has borderline personality syndrome which is highly paranoid and self destructive. She convinced herself that I was Satan, and the cause of all of her problems. Real or imagined.

She waited until I had quit my management job in GA, left my friends, and spent all my money moving her to WV and supporting her so she could go to school at Marshall. I moved because she had been developing her mental illness and was depressed. I agreed to a drastic move and change of scenery in the hopes she would "snap out" of her funk.

All it did was make me broke and move me to a strange area before she told me she wanted a divorce.... while I was at work.

She refused to go to counseling with me, refused to get any help, and then just didn't come home and started drinking and seeing other people while we were not even separated yet.

She went crazy. I was homeless for over a week. I had ever right to stay in the house but it was so bad there and hurt me so much I didn't even argue when she just "kicked me out" on a whim. It was the worst experience of my life. I fell asleep every night with big raking sobs that hurt my body so bad .... my chest felt like it'd be hit with a sledge hammer every morning.

I'd always been a good person - I tried to help people. I'd been relatively successful. I'd done all the "right" things, made no real big mistakes in life. I married a really pretty, brilliant little linguist-to-be who I had a bright future with. All that ended when I was blindsided by her mental illness. I enjoyed my good friend Haji trying to kill me in Afghanistan more than my divorce. It DESTROYED me.

I went from making almost 6 figures a year in my early 20s working less than 40 hours a week in a cushy government job...

To penniless, friendless, over 8 hours from any friends, laid off from work, 1800 miles away from family, and sleeping in my truck in the walmart parking lot. The same woman I had spent almost 100 dollars a night on for dinner and quality sushi felt no guilt at leaving me with nothing and trying to take what little I had left.

I survived.... and I did it with aplomb. I am an awesome person. I will not let something like that ever get me down or change my positive view on life. There are people in the world with MUCH worse problems than me, and they manage. Who am I to gripe and moan about my lot in life? When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

So like the phoenix, I rose from the ashes and I am becoming better, stronger, wiser, more physically fit than ever before.

My x now looks 35 and neither acts nor looks like the woman I fell in love with. Part of me will always love my x wife. She was a good person and I chose wisely. I had no way of knowing she would go crazy.

The person who lives in her body now is a stranger and killed the woman I married. I do not talk to her. She can continue doing whatever she does. I have to send her money every month for another year or so, and after that I will neither contact her, reply to any contact from her, or look her up ever again. My x is dead.

Sorry for the novel, but it helps sometimes to type this stuff out.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 43
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/2/2009 8:58:34 AM
Interesting that most of the replies state that they're divorced because the other person was a nut/abusive/cheater etc. Nobody on POF is responsible for their marriages failing!

At least a few people admitted they married young and actually made mistakes.
 funone571
Joined: 4/18/2006
Msg: 44
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/2/2009 9:01:53 AM
Well it's pretty simple for me....I got divorced because she didn't want to be married anymore. During the last 2 years of the marriage I think I did everything I could to keep our family together but in the end it was her decision so I didn't have all that much say in it.
 sleddinfool
Joined: 3/29/2008
Msg: 50
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/2/2009 8:39:55 PM
We had cabin up north and it needed a new roof. It took two weekends for me to do it.. She stayed home as I had a couple buddies up with me and she said she wasn't going to cook/clean up after us.. She never even got to see the roof.. I came home the second weekend and she had changed,--drastically.. I checked an e-mail of hers and it was all out there--she was cheating on me--said she made up her mind early in the year she was done-- We had two daughters 2&7 at the time.. We had been together 6 years before we got married and I moved out on our fourteenth anniversary.. Almost twenty years "down the drain" LOL.. I still care for her deeply though.. We have been divorced almost six years now-- One girlfriend for me--been single almost 1 1/2 years now..
 Florida_Or_Bust
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 52
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Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/3/2009 3:59:30 AM
Thats difficult to answer when there are many reasons.

For starters we were both in the military and started out living with some friends. So there was always somebody else around...that meant we never really had the chance to learn to problem solve without the input of everyone and his brother.

There were always some really bizarre behaviors on his part...I wrote a lot of it off as immaturity or silly quirks and convince myself (I was young and maybe a wee bit polly anna) that he would outgrow a lot of it.

Well as time went I had a multitude of excuses... cause I was no longer active duty and he was deployed and he just needed...time to adjust to being home, we needed to adjust to parenting together (as opposed to via email)...he just got promoted ...or changed commands so he just needs time.

I started to realize that there was something bigger going on... I think I knew for a while but I didn't want to see it. And I kept telling myself ...he never hit me therefore it is not abuse...well thats the only thing he did not do.

By then we had the girls and I kind of felt like I had to be somewhat loyal because he is their father and I should try to be supportive...and I felt guilty cause he can not be alone. He has been diagnosed Narcissistic...explains alot.

I know he is now on meds for what I am not sure...don't really care too much because I know the behaviors stayed the same. And he remarried...less than a year after everything was final (he was dating her before the divorce but she was just one more in a long line of those who went before her)...so I knew it would happen...just wish they had been respectful enough to give the kids a heads up prior to instead of dumping on them after the fact. They now have a long distance stepmom they have never met and its scarey for them.

ANYWAY...thats the short version
 Devilsfan58
Joined: 3/19/2009
Msg: 63
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Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/9/2009 1:23:29 AM
Wow ^^^^^^^^^ is pretty much word for word what I would have wrote even the ages are so right on.

Truthfully when anyone is, or should be, in a 12 step program one party can only hope to survive the issues.

I think the mental health and counseling industry in the USA is largely hit and miss. I think they have completely different standards based on the sex of the person with the issues.

I think in alot of cases going to counseling is nothing but a perpetuating lose lose deal and you would probably be better off spending your money on any of the lotteries in the country.

I think after knowing what I know and thinking about the Susan Smiths and Andrea Yates types of the world how anyone can support the "Tender Years" doctrine or premise is completely loco and probably should be disbarred.

I think there should be a mental health battery or assay for anyone seeking or getting custody of children through a divorce.

FWIW. I have custody of two.
 stevewl164
Joined: 5/10/2009
Msg: 64
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/9/2009 4:18:32 PM
After reading all these stories my question is WHY ANY OF THESE PEOPLE WANT TO DATE! Scary! We are so powerless over our ives. We think we have it all under control...that we found "the one" and will live happily ever after. One person can be completely devoted to the marriage and the other secretly wants out. Scary thing is...apparantly it happens a lot! If I were in some of these people's shoes I would have a hard time ever trusting in marriage again.
 dallas/musician
Joined: 6/5/2009
Msg: 70
Why did you get divorced?
Posted: 6/9/2009 10:18:01 PM
Funny you should mention children. I raised my ex's kid from 8 to 22 years of age and he was a constant screw-up. I went the extra mile for that kid. Didn't spoil him too much, he is just one of those you see so many of, thinks the world owes him. I spent enough years trying to straighten him up. His Mom took up for him and supported his lazy ass and that was a major reason for my divorce.
Another reason was I got to a point where I wanted to be more active and she wanted to sit on the couch and read. I am too active for that.
I also believe one answer to your question about the next generation is staring you in the face. Computer dating seems to link people who are more compatible with each other as opposed to traditional dating. Hasn't worked for me yet, but I haven't tried too hard. I will find someone sooner or later. Just want a good one who is active and doesn't have a kid with a bad attitude!
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