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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Should I feel presssured to change myself?      Home login  
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 Smiley_Steve
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 4
Should I feel presssured to change myself?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Well said! A person can pretend to be someone they're not, but eventually you will return to your 'true' self.

As golfgirl suggests, build upon your hobbies and interests. Perhaps going to an art gallery, or better yet, a small gallery from a local artist trying to make it in the city. Usually these artists invite their friends for support and you never know who you could end up meeting...
 OneWhiteLotus
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 11
Should I feel presssured to change myself?
Posted: 5/30/2009 7:33:55 AM
Take her advise with a grain of salt. Be you. You are young, and still a work in progress. I've seen some pretty geeky guys turn out to be really great "catches" later in life. They've focused on important things, and become very successful. Some of those "bad boys" never amount to much. Never mind the tattoo if that's not your thing. It's permanent you know!! lol.

Getting out there might be best accomplished by finding something of interest that gets you out of the house a little more than you do now. Baby steps. Instead of trying to be someone else, maybe do some inner work on your confidence, and your self esteem, so you love and appreciate who you are.
 Commonsens
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 21
Should I feel presssured to change myself?
Posted: 5/30/2009 9:13:09 AM
Everyone wants to be unique and loved for whom they really are; yet, a lot of them will try so hard to mold themselves into a popular image so they feel they are "fitting in" into a cast.
What those people do not realise, is that, at the moment you adopt this philosophy, you are no longer unique but just a clone of a "trademark" image; a fake! a product!
Part of been a real man is the ability to remain yourself with integrity, no matter the odds, influences or temptations

So why will you want to change into something you are not? "Be yourself" is not only to stand your ground on your beliefs and values, it is also to explore the abilities given to you and extend on them.

The day you will start that process of self growth, you will not only be twice the man you where yesterday (and half the one you will be tomorrow), but you will be unique..and that's why the perfect person for you, will accept and love you...for whom you really are.
 star*tossed
Joined: 5/17/2009
Msg: 23
Should I feel presssured to change myself?
Posted: 5/30/2009 1:11:41 PM
Sweetie - you're 20. Be yourself. Your face is a bit soft and the hairstyle does make it appear softer, I'd suggest a hair make over and allowing some scruffy facial hair as being a less permanent correction. If you don't want a tat don't do it. They should mean something to you. If you're shy and reserved and a big time geek I suggest you "hang" at places where shy, reserved female geeks hang. If you're a reader - shoot for a small quirky bookstore/coffee house; or a Barnes and Noble - choose a book and a chair and spend a day. Try a hobby job like working at a zoo or acoustic guitar bar on the weekends.... hang at art shows, blues fests, museums, Science Centers, etc., All of these venues have places to simply sit and chill. Learn how to "hush" yourself. Sit and simply be. Think, breathe, read, do puzzles, whatever it is you're into - there has to be something and if there's not? Take something up. Buy a sketch pad and a pencil - will cost you $1.75 - sit on a bench and sketch. Scribble. Learn something, DO something.

Go for Life!
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 26
Should I feel presssured to change myself?
Posted: 5/30/2009 1:24:19 PM
Don't be a bad a ss. Don't be yourself. Don't be anything that others want you do do. Be an ARTIST. And and artist is an individual that is driven by being DIFFERENT. Do not follow molds make your own. If you are going to become an artist you must live the meaning of being an artist. Artist are mavens, they are different without apologies, if it looks ridiculous, wear your ridiculousness with pride. Tell the world, fvck you, I am different and proud of it.

Along the way, you will attract people like the person you trully want to become and they will be cool with that version of YOU.
 cncgandolf
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 27
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Should I feel presssured to change myself?
Posted: 5/30/2009 1:31:04 PM
"She's right to an extent, women do like "Bad Boys" but I think you may be confusing "bad boy" with "jerk". "

I don't like bad boys or jerks ... and I do know the difference.... and I don't like tatoos ... and I know a lot of women like me. So, some women like bad boys, some women are withe jerks for whatever reason .... and since there are a whole lot of shy geeks out there with great wives then you've got to realize that shy geeks are attractive to some women.

Be yourself. Grow as yourself. As a shy person I know how hard it is to go do new things with people I don't know. I've chickened out more than once. S'ok. I don't always chicken out ... sometimes I do go out and a few times I have joined new groups of people who like the same things I do. Not easy for a shy person .. for an introvert ... but I have done it. It only works if I do it for myself and not others.

You could come to a POF meet, especially if you post and talk about it ahead and feel like in going you are meeting people in person that you've gotten to know online.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 28
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Should I feel presssured to change myself?
Posted: 5/30/2009 1:37:15 PM
Why does she suggest you do everything against who you are? Are you looking to attract bimbos who like bad boys, is that your goal for a date? And when they find out you aren't really a bad boy, then what? Unless you are willing to pretend all your life and be with someone who doesn't want you, I'd stop talking to this dipshit co-worker and spend more time trying to get the attention of women who like you as you are. Not all women are stupid, but that seems to be what your co-worker thinks, so do you want to attract the stupid women?
 Calgarygent1
Joined: 5/22/2009
Msg: 30
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Should I feel presssured to change myself?
Posted: 5/30/2009 6:49:07 PM
Ok I will awnser this way. I am a Submissive as you from what you have said appear to be as well. And there is nothing at all wrong with it. Don't try to act as a bad anything be proud of who you are. If you are finding ladies don't like it see your goals of what you want your dreams to be like. I know a Lot of very strong willed ladies and some of them are also submissives and are trying to find nice geeky guys so to speak. Just express confidence in yourself> I was once told attitude is 7 out of ten of how others see you and I don't know how true that statement is but expressing confidence completely changed what kind of ladies were attracted to me and I found that the quality of my dates went up dramatically.
The going out of your house part I will agree with to events because you are showing a interest in something that a lady is as well. If at one and a lady is near you say hi and ask them how they are enjoying whereever it is the event is. You will find that most ladies if single will open up to you. You can't guarantee you will hit it off or even at all but thats part of the fun of playing the game.
I do not think you have to force yourself to do anything but if you wish to find another as your other half and best friend that could lead to marriage or whatever else you at this momment in your existence and life are seeking them power to you either case simply because if you are seeking you can find that which you are looking for. Which you obviously are simply by creating yoru account here online
 radiumdecay
Joined: 5/26/2009
Msg: 34
Should I feel presssured to change myself?
Posted: 5/30/2009 9:17:51 PM
No, you shouldn't be different from what you are.

Geeks operate best in their natural environment, where they can meet geeky partners and those interested in geeky things and geeky people. My spouse of 20 years I met at college, and every 'opportunity' I've had to pass on came from work, conferences, work-related travel, or hobbies/events that are related to things you're interested in.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 43
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Should I feel presssured to change myself?
Posted: 6/8/2009 8:12:41 AM
Find interesting things that you like doing that require leaving the house.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 44
Should I feel presssured to change myself?
Posted: 6/8/2009 8:25:30 AM
I wouldn't change things about yourself to the tune of attempting to turn into a "bad boy" or by getting a tattoo. That's pretty lame advice. Even though you say you enjoy staying home and painting, you clearly are wanting to get out there and enjoy other people's company, otherwise you wouldn't be having a couple of threads going on meeting girls. The only thing I'd change about yourself is attempting to work on your self-confidence and the only way you'll do that is by putting yourself out there instead of staying safely tucked away at home. Take some chances. They say the way to overcome fears is to meet them head on. The more you do it, the more confidence you will gain and the easier it will become. Stay true to who you are otherwise. Expect to get rejections to your invitations to go out and try not to act desperate. When you're turned down, don't press the issue and don't be angry and don't allow yourself to be dejected. As your self-confidence grows, so will your appeal.
 THE full monty
Joined: 9/4/2007
Msg: 47
Should I feel presssured to change myself?
Posted: 6/8/2009 11:47:01 AM
well, i believe you shouldnt change for anyone.i think shes trying to make you some thing your not. some women like bad boys !!! but not all .........just be yourself
 Lobo_Corazon
Joined: 2/6/2009
Msg: 53
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Should I feel presssured to change myself?
Posted: 6/9/2009 10:03:41 AM
I'm going to give it to you without sugar-coating, because you sound like you need it.

You also sound like you may need to change, and that to do so you may need some help (call it "pressure" if you like). So the answer is yes... If you want to change your situation (being single), you would benefit from changing yourself.

Obviously staying home and painting is never going to find you a girlfriend. You acknowledge that yourself, so there's hope for you yet! ;)

Getting a tattoo that you don't want is bad advice. Going to concerts you wouldn't enjoy is bad advice too. But if you like painting... How about a painting night course? Or visit art galleries, showings, whatever... You'll find like-minded women there, and some of them are bound to be single and willing to chat about what's going on, so it's your personal ideal fishing ground.

"Just be yourself and hope for the best" is terrible advice. How has that been working for you so far? It's said a definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome.
You don't necessarily need to do anything that truly "isn't you"... Definitely don't need to sacrifice your morals and turn yourself into a bar predator or something. But you do owe it to yourself to assess what you may be doing that simply makes no sense, and fix it so that you start putting your best foot forward.

Unattractive behavior is like being badly out of shape - You could just say the heck with it, if women don't like my flab too bad, I'll wait until I meet someone who likes it... Or you could exercise, get in better shape, and dramatically increase your options. That choice is yours, but again ask yourself how your current choices are working for you!

"Being a little bad" is good advice, but you need a lot more information about that to put it in proper context and start to understand how attraction really works. There's lots of self-help material available, and you may find the information very valuable.
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