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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > his credit card declined when he went to pay?      Home login  
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 techgirl27
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 1
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his credit card declined when he went to pay?Page 1 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
I got stuck paying for a $30+ lunch not knowing he wasnt going to be able to pay for it. (we're both over 30, and have jobs, he makes more than me)

I didnt see the server come back with the response when they ran his card, but do you think this was just a way to get out of paying? I doubt it though beacuse every time I see him out, he is always drinking water. I like water too but its almost like he has no ability to do anything with his visa card. He doesnt carry cash. I feel like he should have said something beforehand that he couldn't pay.

Next time I talk with this guy I"m going to say that we can't go anywhere that you arent at least prepared for some of the time, because I can't be stuck with the bill every time. This happened only once, but I can't be having it happen as a regular habit. I understand that we are all on budgets and maybe we can work something out where we do things that aren't so expensive maybe.

Ideas?
 red_relaxed
Joined: 7/18/2007
Msg: 2
his credit card declined when he went to pay?
Posted: 6/1/2009 12:41:55 AM

I understand that we are all on budgets and maybe we can work something out where we do things that aren't so expensive maybe.

Right. Don't go anywhere with anyone where you can't pay your share. Seems you were quite comfortable to let him pay for something you aren't prepared to do. Color me weird, but lady, that just doesn't make any sense to me.



Considering how uncertain and uneasy the situation has made you feel, why are contemplating going out with him again?

Exactly. If you expect to be wined and dined, that's fine. But find someone who can afford to do that for you and be very clear about your intentions. Champagne on a beer budget doesn't work.

Good luck!
 techgirl27
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 3
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his credit card declined when he went to pay?
Posted: 6/1/2009 1:22:38 AM
I was prepared. Who said I wasnt prepared? I was the only one that came with a way to pay, apparently. It could have just been a coincidence that he couldn't that time. Like I said, its only happened once. But really its less about the money and more about how he handled it. If he couldn't pay his share, why didnt he say something before we went? That's just wrong. I dont know where anyone is getting these ideas from, but anytime I go out, I always go ready to pay for my half. But not for the whole table with no notice. You think I should be paying his way every time and wining and dining the guy?
 red_relaxed
Joined: 7/18/2007
Msg: 4
his credit card declined when he went to pay?
Posted: 6/1/2009 1:43:37 AM

Who said I wasnt prepared?

I did. You say you got "stuck" paying the bill. So you weren't prepared, you feel like you were taken advantage of because you expected him to pay and he couldn't.


You think I should be paying his way every time and wining and dining the guy?


Now you're just being silly. You said he paid EVERY other time, but are disappointed with the way he handled the situation. I think he may be disappointed in you since you haven't communicated that you're willing to pay for yourself on dates. Not for him of course, just yourself. But you've expected him to pay for you both on every other ocassion and are quite pissy about the fact that you got stuck without notice paying this once. That's where I'm getting these ideas from.

Give the guy a break. He was probably horribly embarrassed that he was over extended. And he like you lots, or he wouldn't be wining and dining you when he can't really afford it.
 techgirl27
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 5
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his credit card declined when he went to pay?
Posted: 6/1/2009 1:46:25 AM
he just laughed and said he forgot it was too close to the limit, and that he doesnt carry cash or another card. I can't believe a guy wouldn't carry his bank card or cash day to day. No he hasn't offered to repay me. And the water thing is relevant because I've rarely seen him spending any money at all on himself either.

Where does it say I told you he paid EVERY other time? I can think of once where he actually paid for both of us and it was a very small tab. Every other time I've ended up getting his beer or he ended up eating some of the food I paid for and he didnt order anything or contribute, not even to the tip.
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 6
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his credit card declined when he went to pay?
Posted: 6/1/2009 2:04:22 AM
Well, clearly this is an issue for you, so you'd better speak up. Don't go on another date w/o discussing first who's going to pay and how.

Personally, I don't go on any date w/o the intention and means to pay, and I don't know why anyone else (male or female) would do otherwise.

Address this issue now. Financial conflicts don't get any better as relationships age.
 *november babee*
Joined: 2/19/2009
Msg: 7
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his credit card declined when he went to pay?
Posted: 6/1/2009 6:39:18 AM
so what exactly was your question..?
ideas on cheaper or free things to do..?
how to handle asking him about the card situation..?
wether you should have had to pay for all of the bill..?
how to stop it happening again...?

your post isnt all that clear..
 broncsbuff
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 8
his credit card declined when he went to pay?
Posted: 6/1/2009 9:10:46 AM

I doubt it though beacuse every time I see him out, he is always drinking water.


I really have no idea what this has to do with anything....I mean, sometimes I go out and dont feel like having a beer, so I drink water..does it mean Im cheap?..no, it means I dont feel like having a beer....


I feel like he should have said something beforehand that he couldn't pay.


I agree, my only guess is that he was to embarassed to admit it, but still wanted to see you. There is nothing more damaging to a mans ego to say to a women that he cant afford to take her out...its a kick right in the balls...


This happened only once


we need more of the story, how long have you been dating? is it a relationship? are you seeing other people, or are you two a "couple?"

I think you can talk to him about it, but be aware the guy is probably more embarassed than you will ever know. You then must decide if this is a deal breaker for you. If you like the guy, and it doesnt bother you to stay in every once in awhile and watch a 2 dollar movie, then all is ok.


Next time I talk with this guy I"m going to say that we can't go anywhere that you arent at least prepared for some of the time, because I can't be stuck with the bill every time.


If you go about it this way, you will push him away and make him feel worse. Im sure he understands that he has to have money to take you out. He doesnt need to be lectured about it.

I dont know how long you have been going out. It just "seems" like you feel entitled to have your way paid for. If this is the case, then you and him are probably not meant to be dating....

JMO...outsider looking in...
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 9
his credit card declined when he went to pay?
Posted: 6/1/2009 9:14:29 AM
Yeah, strange thread.

So, have you been dating this water-drinker for long? I suspect the water comment means you think he's too cheap/poor to drink alcohol?

Are you mad because you felt coerced into paying? I don't think it's such a big deal.

This has happened to a guy I was on a first date with, so I ended up paying. He was mortified, but it was no big deal to me. And he wasn't a free-loader, either (we dated for 7 months), these things just happen sometimes.
 techgirl27
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 10
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his credit card declined when he went to pay?
Posted: 6/1/2009 9:44:24 AM
I only met him a few weeks ago, and while I certainly dont know all his circumstances I know he has a halfway decent job and probably has more money and ability to pay than he's leading on to have. Friend, relationship, whatever, as a guy you shouldn't be expecting someone to pay for you almost every time you go out, and that doesnt even mention being ready for whatever else he might need or want to do in a day. Why is he even socializing if he truly has no money at all? Anyone else would just stay "stay home" or "rethink your budget" or something like that to someone in those shoes.

the "it declined my card" excuse has only come up once. Its happened more than once where he has asked me to pay. It isnt his share just this time I've had to pay for, its happened almost every time we've been out.

The water thing, he is always saying he doesnt have any money. You think that doesnt have anything to do with it? But he day I met him, he was paying his own tab.

It doesnt make me bad that when I am out with him or anyone, I expect hm to at least pay his share.

Yesterday on the phone he said "thanks for the food" when I am going to have to ask him to pay his share back to me because I really can't ( phone battery died before I could ask)t. I wasnt expecting it, he just landed it on me at the last minute while we were out. Whats interesting is we were going to go to a ballgame and he said he would pay for a ticket and something to eat, but then when we met up too late for the game, he landed this one on me.

Dont you think this is a bit cheap of a guy to do this to someone?
 broncsbuff
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 11
his credit card declined when he went to pay?
Posted: 6/1/2009 9:58:02 AM

Dont you think this is a bit cheap of a guy to do this to someone?


I grew up poor, very poor actually, so my idea of cheap and your idea of cheap are probably two very different things....

all a matter of opinion.

If it bothers you this much to write a thread about it, then I suggest talking to him. I will say again, if you lecture him about it, he will probably feel more embarassed than he already is...

If you like the guy, then discuss it. If it bothers you that much, then stop seeing him...
 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 12
his credit card declined when he went to pay?
Posted: 6/1/2009 12:30:57 PM
talk with him and let him know how you're feeling

next time you go out for dinner ask for separate bills

if he came expecting you to pay again, then the problem remains with him

you can also go to less expensive eateries or take picnics, or make the date focused around something else that doesn't involve eating at all

good luck
 bcsofnc57
Joined: 11/20/2007
Msg: 13
his credit card declined when he went to pay?
Posted: 6/1/2009 2:22:31 PM
As to drinking water, that doesn't mean a thing. I work as a server and some of my biggest tippers drink water.

As to the rest of it. Cards are turned downed for a number of reasons, it doesn't always mean they don't have money. It can be just a fluke in the system. I have ran cards, had them turned down, ran them again, and had them go through with no problem

As to you paying. I find your attitude amazing. You are all freaked out that you had to pay, but if he had paid for all of it, that would have been fine.
 AAA-Dallas
Joined: 5/23/2009
Msg: 14
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his credit card declined when he went to pay?
Posted: 6/1/2009 4:08:57 PM
I had the similar situation before. It was not his credit card; it was his debit card got declined. I was VP for banks before, so I know what was going on here. Amazing! I felt more embarrassed than him. After it happened twice in one week, I dumped him. There is no need to waste time on a man who can not manage his finance in any age. It does not matter how good looking he is… Don’t deal anyone who has no integrity.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 15
his credit card declined when he went to pay?
Posted: 6/1/2009 4:33:45 PM
"Integrity" and "money" are not the same thing, you know that, right? I know how you made that mistake, integers are numbers, money is all about the numbers...


I was VP for banks before, so I know what was going on here. Amazing!
That IS amazing.
 montana39
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 16
his credit card declined when he went to pay?
Posted: 6/1/2009 5:06:28 PM
go do something that doesnt involve spending money,go for a walk,sit on a bench and talk get to know each other and maybe you'll find out something you didnt know before.Not being able to pay a bill once isnt a capital offence lightnen up..maybe god honest truth he's broke it happens paycheck to paycheck I think we've all been there
 dixielady40
Joined: 4/12/2009
Msg: 17
his credit card declined when he went to pay?
Posted: 6/1/2009 7:17:25 PM
This is a weird thread. Sounds like maybe you've seen some financial red flags for awhile now and you just don't want to admit it, for whatever reason. If you want to keep seeing him..tell him it's dutch/separate checks from now on (his reaction will probably be interesting!). If it's bugging you that much, then break it off and find someone who is a little more financially compatible with you. I really think there is much more to this story than what we have been told.
 Keiper7
Joined: 11/22/2008
Msg: 18
his credit card declined when he went to pay?
Posted: 6/1/2009 7:54:38 PM

I really think there is much more to this story than what we have been told.


I agree. Something is fishy here.

If I went out, intending to pay, and my card was declined, I would hope my date would understand that it was not intentional. Stuff happens, cards get declined, people forget cash/cards/ wallets. Its not the end of the world IF THATS ALL IT IS.

I don't see any problem with splitting the check, each person chipping in, or taking turns picking up the tab. IMO, that is actually an attractive trait in a woman, one who is willing to split the 'burden'...even though I always make sure I cover more in the long run.

BTW, I almost always order water. Its not because I am cheap, its because I like to drink water.
 broncsbuff
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 19
his credit card declined when he went to pay?
Posted: 6/1/2009 8:05:02 PM

I didnt see the server come back with the response when they ran his card, but do you think this was just a way to get out of paying?


I have been bartending for years, this makes no sense. When we take a credit card, we have to bring it back. The server has to bring the card back with the approved credit card slip, or a decline paper, its that simple....

I agree with others, there is something not being told here. At first you said it only happened once, then you say you have paid for him before....
 techgirl27
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 20
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his credit card declined when he went to pay?
Posted: 6/1/2009 10:57:27 PM
I didnt see the response because I was away from the table, and he told me this when I got back to the table. This is just what he said, I dont know what actually happened.

I was correct when I said The "card declined" excuse only happened once.
I was also correct when I said I have had to pay for him more than once (the other times he asked me to).
Both are correct and true.

I asked him about it tonight and he said it was an accident, (see below) and that he'd pay me some money back.

The other times I didnt have a problem because it was only for a drink, and did it as a favor. But when you add to that the fact that he asked me to pay the other times, and the fact that he said he "forgot" how close he was to his card limit and declared he did not carry any other forms of payment or cash, then it starts to look weird. It isnt that I had to pay, its his excuse and how he handled it coupled with the other examples that have made me think.

Its that he stuck me with the bill after implying he was going to pay for what we were going to do earlier. I dont mind springing once in a while, but I plan ahead when I do.
I'll be keeping my own separate tab from now on.
 alinux
Joined: 12/25/2006
Msg: 21
his credit card declined when he went to pay?
Posted: 6/2/2009 6:49:59 PM
............................. lol (the server was prolly down) happens to me from time-to-time
on eBay :o) ... sorta seldom, but has happened before. But regardless, it sounds yous
two were a lil awkward - he and yourself should have been open enough to laugh about
it (at least) or come to some type of manage.
 bmore_goat
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 22
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his credit card declined when he went to pay?
Posted: 6/3/2009 5:23:10 AM
OP,
I'm not going to give you any stories about how it could be possible there are mistake or how excuse why this guy is having money problems.
But I am going to give you food for thought.
You have a grown man that wants to date, but he can't get his financial act together.
He likes to wine and dine, but has asked you to pick up the tab a few times.

OP, I don't know whether it's because I'm an american living in Europe, but I a have more than one credit card.
I have a company business card, a debit bank card and 2 credit cards. One of those credit cards have zero balance and it is for emergencies only and one I do my regular shopping on.
If a man is taking you out to dinner and he is over-extended on his credit card and asking his date to spot him some money, that is a SERIOUS red flag. Not just on the credit card front, but on his general character on a whole.

And yeah, I've had my card declined a few times. but never because of not having enough money. One time I brought something that cost 5 thousand (I have a 10 grand limit) and later that evening the company put a hold on my card because of "suspious activity". I had to call them to let them know, yes, I just spent 5 grand on this card.
However, I damn sure was about to use my debit card to buy dinner.

I don't know about you, but would you REALLY want to have long term with someone wheres you don't know if they can foot the bill for their own drinks?
 kickingfate
Joined: 9/10/2005
Msg: 23
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his credit card declined when he went to pay?
Posted: 6/3/2009 6:09:18 AM
I had mine declined standing at a gas station after i filled up when i was on date a number of years back. It was embarrassing to say the least, the cc companies computer thought my purchase was "not within my normal spending habits" so protecting me it declined my purchase. Thankfully i had my debit card with me as well and when i got home i straightened that out.

there are more reasons for a cc to be declined then the guy is a loser. The card could have been compromised and they canceled it until he contacted them.

I find it very narrow minded , considering we are in the deepest recession since the 30's and we have the biggest companies in North America going tits up in bankruptcy that we still assume someone is a loser because of a cc card being declined. the fact is there is a lot, millions in fact, Americans and Canadians one paycheck away from being homeless, there just dont want to change there lifestyles. I have one cc for emergencies. and yes i only make 2 purchses a year with it to keep it active..and i work on cash now..and have never been happier.
 bmore_goat
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 24
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his credit card declined when he went to pay?
Posted: 6/3/2009 6:29:24 AM
Kickingfate,

I think I establish having your card declined is NOT a sign on being a deadbeat. Mine use to be declined about every other month. You want to know true embarassment?
My wife at the time would use the card to buy groceries and I would had made a major purchase earlier in the day, so the company would put a hold on the card and she would be in the grocery store witha a declined card.

The OP has established that there is a pattern of his "frugality" and asking her to pony up the tab on a few outings.
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 25
his credit card declined when he went to pay?
Posted: 6/3/2009 9:52:18 AM
This happend to me once...his card was declined, so he ended up splitting the bill up with 2 other cards....he insisted on paying, even though I offered. It was just a lunch date and the bill couldn't have been much more then $40....poor guy
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