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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 2
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I much prefer someone being honest with me about why the relationship isn't working, as opposed to disappearing. I was dating a man for 4 months last year and he finally told me he just didn't feel a romantic connection. We got along great, but we were more like great friends than lovers. I was hurt briefly but I realized what he said was very true and because he was honest in his feelings, we have maintained a wonderful friendship. We can talk about anything and he considers me his best friend. Had he just disappeared, we both would have missed out on a friend for life.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 3
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 6/1/2009 4:08:24 PM
I prefer the honesty, although it's quite frustrating to be told over and over and over again that the timing's wrong. So I will pout, for sure. But I think having the answer, unsavory though it may be, is better than not knowing why.

In a twisted way, being "picked" by an emotionally unavailable person is a compliment. They stayed with you, even tried with you, because you are a pretty good thing. They're just not "there" yet.
 Landra
Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 6
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 6/1/2009 4:50:35 PM
Disappearing is both cowardly and cruel.
It's hurtful and mean, too.
It's not easier to cope with someone who refuses to talk to you or get in touch.
You don't have to be cruel when you end it with someone, but honesty is a reflection of your character, too. Are you a person of integrity, or do you duck out when you don't want to face something?
 buckmaker
Joined: 4/20/2009
Msg: 7
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Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 6/1/2009 5:28:55 PM
The truth hurts more than disappearing, since the one is left behind always has a hope in their heart and without hope, we are all lost. It is more humane to simply leave cowardly or not. Most of the women who talk about bravery would never think of telling their Mother she is not what she claims to be. Obviously out of respect. We don't hurt the ones we love. Otherwise, we don't love them.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 11
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 6/1/2009 10:51:08 PM
i think we've lost the ability to communicate or be honest; it's like the cool think to be brutally honest, not caring for others feelings. It takes just as much effort to be sensitive.

We all say things we regret; there are misunderstandings at times that if you are a good person you try to forgive and learn from these situations.

Disappearing is being a coward; they don't want to be responsible and be honest and confront the person saying they aren't interested. "It's drama to them". Well you take care of business.

If you aren't into someone tell them in a sensitive way. it really isn't that hard.
 mrcyrus
Joined: 1/26/2009
Msg: 16
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Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 6/2/2009 9:55:49 AM
Much, much, much more painful if you just disappear. The lack of closure kills me and I end up getting upset for a while instead of just moving on, as I would otherwise do.
 IKnowWhatBoysLike
Joined: 4/5/2009
Msg: 17
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 6/2/2009 10:09:54 AM

Much, much, much more painful if you just disappear. The lack of closure kills me and I end up getting upset for a while instead of just moving on, as I would otherwise do.


I completely agree. If it's someone you've invested some significant time in, then that closure is soooo necessary. I can handle almost anything if someone is just upfront and honest with me. And it gives us both the opportunity to shut it down and move on.
 jadegreen
Joined: 2/3/2006
Msg: 18
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Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 6/2/2009 11:23:50 AM
I think the golden rule applies "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you".... Would you want someone to do diseappearing act and leave you with unanswered questions?
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 19
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 6/2/2009 12:39:07 PM
I think everyone's going to say they prefer honesty, but I don't believe that most people would be able to handle it. They don't prefer EITHER. :)

They resort to the "I'd prefer honesty!" -after- they got they were left hanging by a disappearing act... predicting how they would feel, when, people around them flip out when they DO get the honest answer.

Think about it -- people will post messages like "Why did he/she disappear??" and another one will be "OMG, so after dating for weeks, he/she tells me they're married!!" Just as pissed.

Now, with that said, it depends on the person and how they'd take it. Some would actually end up preferring to know that they're married after they've been led on rather than disappearing, if say, they have a poor self-esteem and it's a sigh of relief that it IS really the other person and not themselves, right? Others would freak out thinking "how in the world could I have been going out with him/her?" And of course, the more seriousness, the more hurtful the disappearing act. Sudden disappearing act, or "oh my god they don't want to drag things out!" disappearing act? lol

The person doesn't know how they'd react, and which one they'd REALLY prefer, if they've been hiding something the whole time. Few, if any people are going to say "yeah, just disappear, don't be forthcoming", because that makes them look stupid, but in reality, there is no "stupid" when it comes to our emotions.

There is also an in-between -- them abruptly ending it, letting you know, not revealing all the whys, except they have baggage and they're sorry and don't want to drag it out.
 juliet2020
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 22
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/8/2009 8:04:48 PM
Some people can come on so strong with complements and statements of attraction. What gets me is when they lead me to believe they are really interested, and suddenly I never hear from them again. It would be kinder to know what happened instead of having to guess.
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 25
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/9/2009 6:28:58 AM
I think it depends on how long you've known the person and how long you've been dating for. If I've only gone out with someone 3 or 4 times I don't feel like I need some lengthy explantion as to why they don't to go out anymore.
 ilovese469
Joined: 1/16/2009
Msg: 26
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/9/2009 11:08:02 AM
why do you think they call it "brutal honesty"because honesty is just that.....brutal
 miska1
Joined: 9/16/2008
Msg: 27
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/9/2009 11:10:01 AM
Can someone suggest how I can honestly tell someone "I don't like your face?"


You have the most intersting arrangement of features in a rather unfortunate way.
 Alain786
Joined: 5/17/2009
Msg: 30
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Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/11/2009 12:35:01 PM
You know its funny that you wrote this forum because I was helping a good friend out with a situation very similar to this question. I don't think disappearing would be the appropriate way to handle at situation like this. #1 it shows a lack of maturity and #2 would you like someone to do that to you? To add to that, if someone wasn't over there ex they shouldn't be in the dating arena period.

I think as adults we should know how to tactfully end relationship before it becomes exclusive. Sometimes based on the circumstances it could be a difficult thing to do but AGAIN as adults we should somehow manage to do it with grace... I've been in this situation before where I wanted to stop dating someone based on the lack of chemistry and they were still interested and I never disappeared. I just respectfully offered and suggested a friendship over dating... sometimes they accept it, sometimes they don't however it's always better than them hearing "I'm not over my ex or simply not ever hearing from me again".

Put it this way, if you knew someone was trying to end something with you but you still wanted them and they gave you 3 choices for you to understand that a relationship would never work. Which would you choose?

Them saying "I'm not over my ex so we have to stop dating because I'll never love you" which would probably leaving you

I'm pretty sure you'd chose the last one

Them just just getting up and disappearing on you?

Or them saying hey I like you but I think we would be better friends than lovers and I would love to be your friend
 northerndreamer
Joined: 6/30/2009
Msg: 34
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/13/2009 1:19:26 PM
Always be honest. I dated a man I cared for a great deal but suspected he was still dealing with fallout from his ex. So it was a relief when he confirmed it and said he's just not there yet. If he had disappeared, I would always wonder what I had done wrong. At least this way he could tell me how wonderful I was, how special I am but the timing is all wrong. I knew that anyway.

if someone tries to keep in touch or pushes for a second chance, well that is for you to handle. Being involved with people is messy and complicated and because it makes you uncomfortable is no reason to deny somebody the truth. You need to learn to deal with your discomfort. Walking away is easier for YOU- not for the other. And it's cowardly.
 Ellen27
Joined: 2/15/2009
Msg: 35
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/13/2009 2:25:16 PM
I believe it is never ok to just disappear. It is rude and inconsiderat. Being honest doesn't have to be brutal or cruel. There is always a nice way to say something. Sometimes a little white lie is ok too. If someone just disappears, there is no closure for the other person. That person is left wondering what happened. It is cowardly to just disappear. I was actually seeing someone for 6 months and i knew we were coming to the end but it was still horrible for him to never call again. It doesn't matter if it is 6 months or just a few e-mails, i believe in treating people how i would want to be treated. For all the guys out there...treat women the way you would want your daughters, sister, etc. to be treated.
 ElleShooTiger
Joined: 2/4/2009
Msg: 40
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Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/14/2009 1:28:24 AM
Been on both sides of the disappearing act, and its hurt both parties deeply each time. I'd rather just sit down and end it cleanly, remaining as friends or not. If you have enough on your chest that you want to disappear, why not just get if off your chest first?

You can always send an honest message to the disappearer, it does help to get closure, even if they wouldnt give it to you.
 dmyc
Joined: 1/19/2009
Msg: 42
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Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/17/2009 7:04:58 AM
Perfer honesty, but if he doesn't reappear i can assume the worst anyway.
 Prylo
Joined: 7/13/2009
Msg: 44
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/17/2009 8:02:15 PM
At least when they dissappear you can tell yourself "oh, he might have been kidnapped."

Lol.
 :
Joined: 4/15/2005
Msg: 45
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Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/18/2009 4:54:35 AM
Honesty and a clean break are the best! a messy "we will try to fix it" is the worst.

While at that, I have dumped and been dumped and I must say dumpee is way easier then dumper. Even if it doesn't seem that way at the time, it really is the case.
 horses44
Joined: 9/10/2006
Msg: 46
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Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/18/2009 7:35:58 AM
I think I am in the same camp as Tracyannk and workinggenius on this one. How long the relationship has been established is crucial. I have gone out with someone 3 or 4 times, and I thinking everything is moving smoothly...and the phone calls end. Of course it stings, I "wonder" what happened, but I certainly don't feel he owes me an explanation - he lost interest. Truth be told I have done it a few times

Now it is a whole different animal if you have an established relationship - then an explanation (where hopefully everyone acts like an adult) should be done
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 49
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Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/19/2009 8:44:29 AM
Yeah, honesty hurts more than just disappearing, but it's always best...at least clears the air so you know why they're leaving.
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 51
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/20/2009 7:09:20 AM
Unfortunatly, dissapearing has become the norm. I'm not saying its right, but it happens all the time. I guess I'd rather that then see an email saying "you suck and I don't want to go out with you anymore" -lololol
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 53
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/21/2009 10:42:40 AM
I prefer honesty because then I can move on and don't have to wonder anymore about it.
I am not much of a back burner gal so ........ if someone does not contact me within a certain amount of time say a week I figure they are not interested or they are too busy.

I had one person that I went on a first date with ask me if I was really interested or if it was just so so this was the greatest way I have experienced to broach the subject.
I really liked the guys personality but was not attracted to him and didn't think that would change for me so I was completely comfortable in telling him the exact truth and I think we both have gained respect for each other .
 SeekingTheOneOut
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 54
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Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/23/2009 4:36:29 PM
Honesty is always for the best in the long run. With honesty, you know exactly where things stand. There is no need to wonder and think about what happened or if you did something wrong. Unfortunately, people can get so concerned with someone possibly not liking them or even hating them, even if that hate will dissipate quickly, that they'll take the easy way out and just stop communicating and avoid them altogether. It's easier to convince (i.e. lie to) yourself that you're doing the right thing if you don't have someone else letting you know how wrong you are.
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