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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > So is love a choice?      Home login  
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 cw35
Joined: 4/8/2005
Msg: 2
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So is love a choice?Page 1 of 15    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
There are people you are naturally more attracted to initially but I believe that love is 100% by choice. No doubt in my mind.
 Lobo_Corazon
Joined: 2/6/2009
Msg: 3
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So is love a choice?
Posted: 6/7/2009 5:09:56 PM
Ability to control our sensation of hunger - You mean by focussing on other thoughts? We can do the same thing with our "broken hearted" periods too, right?

We can make a conscious choice to seek love, and to avoid it (and no guarantees either way). But what I think of as "true love" grows naturally from shared experience with someone we care about. And you can't fake that by sheer force of will!
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 4
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So is love a choice?
Posted: 6/7/2009 5:32:41 PM
I think to a certain extent all feelings are out of our control from the standpoint that we have them but our reaction to them is controllable. People who don't "get" angry still feel anger, they just control their reaction to the feeling. I don't really think I understand people that claim that when they break up they feel nothing for the person they were with. It seems that even if the person was horribly abusive there should be some type of care as in this is another human being and I wish him/her well even if during the emotional turmoil there was more than one time you wished they would just disappear.

I think you can control who you fall for to the extent that when you know someons is off-limits, if you 'feel' something, you shut it down before it develops. I think where people confuse this issue is when they leave themselves open, then love can kind of happen with you having little control over it. I think there is a point early when you can turn it on or off and people choose not to, after that it is harder to make the heart feel what your head is telling it to.

We do control love from the standpoint that, something ends, feelings are still there and we talk ourselves out of the feelings for however long it takes for us to not feel that way. The jealous person who knows he/she has an issue starts having the feelings and reminds him/herself that this person is trustworthy. Hopefully either the feelings finally do go away or the talking to oneself is quick. The same goes for anger, you tell yourself that this is not that big a deal or it isn't worth expending the energy. Pretty soon that becomes a habit.

Perhaps the difference between love and other emotions is the way they are tied to the other individual. Sometimes it seems overpowering because in your coping there is always what the other person is doing. Feelings that persist beyond the relationship are different because one can assume control over how they continue to feel about past events.
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 6
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So is love a choice?
Posted: 6/7/2009 5:56:59 PM
I'm not sure I understand what you or others are saying arabianangel...might be a case of my severe right brain outlook...lol...

I think there is a choice to choose to be a loving person, or to be open to love..I don't think I can choose to love someone or choose not to ( with the exception of people I just don't like from the get go)..I may have chosen to let it develop because I liked them...but, if I could love anyone...why would it be so hard to find someone? Especially, when I have met really great guys in all or most ways...but, no amount of me talking to myself could change that I just didn't feel that way? I don't believe you can choose your feelings..you can choose your response...but, love is different than the rest..

If I am understanding you all correctly...you are saying we can choose to love anyone, and just pick someone randomly and it will happen ? If that was so, wouldn't we all not be single?

And why wouldn't people leave as soon as someone behaved badly..to choose to stop loving them, caring about them?

This one just doesn't compute in my brain...
 Lobo_Corazon
Joined: 2/6/2009
Msg: 7
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So is love a choice?
Posted: 6/7/2009 6:26:58 PM

Lobo…true love does grow but I don’t totally agree that growth happens naturally as you claim…maintaining a strong bond (love) is in fact a choice we make, we allow it to happen..

That's two seperate things though right? You make the choice to spend lots of time together, date exclusively, live together or whatever... And if the seeds fall on fertile ground, real love grows naturally with time.

That's not to say it's guaranteed to grow - Maybe one or both aren't ready for it. But if it does happen, it won't be because one of them says "Doggone it, this person is clearly really cool, why don't I love them? I'm just going to force myself to, from this day forward!"
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 9
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So is love a choice?
Posted: 6/7/2009 6:49:07 PM
I think you can fall head over heels for someone right off but that's not love, love is something that grows as you get to know someone, it's not infatuation nor instant chemistry. I can certainly choose not to love a creep or an abuser, etc., I'm not pre-programed to be lead by my loins nor my emotions, I can make rational decisions and I can love just as deeply as anyone who thinks they can't help being led by their pitter-pattering heart. In fact I've grown quite tired of people who have been in love so many times they could fill a football field with the ex-madly-in-love-withs who think they have some corner on love; if you can't tell love from lust, maybe you have never loved at all.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
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So is love a choice?
Posted: 6/7/2009 6:55:27 PM
Interesting topic Arabian, but I'm truly not getting how you and the others believe that love is a choice. Seriously, I don't think love has ever been a choice for me---not once and that's even wishing and acknowledging that I didn't want to own or feel those feelings for that person.

Love + feelings for someone = no choice. Lot's of people feel love for those who they are not free to love---the love is still there and tangible. It would certainly be easier to manage their lives, if they were able to not love in this way. They can only choose how they are guided to act. Choice is reason. Reason doesn't live in emotion. Morality and reason guides the action and choice, not the heart.

You make the choice to spend lots of time together, date exclusively, live together or whatever... And if the seeds fall on fertile ground, real love grows naturally with time.
^^^I agree with this Lobo.
 readyornot57
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 12
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So is love a choice?
Posted: 6/7/2009 7:20:20 PM

love is not a choice.....relationships are
I agree.
I can force myself to avoid someone that I have growing feelings for, but I can't deny the growing love if I am with them all the time.


You can fool yourself into loving someone.

Did not check your age, but you are too young to know that...I thought that was forbidden knowledge before the age of forty.

Lingering love......isn't it as if love is generated and remains attached to our very soul?
I sure hope so.....cause I would like to think that the soul holds on to the very best of us.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 14
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So is love a choice?
Posted: 6/7/2009 8:42:33 PM

So is love a choice?

Not for me it hasn't been.. When it happened it my life .. it just took me.. without asking.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 15
So is love a choice?
Posted: 6/7/2009 8:52:21 PM
I don't think attraction is a choice. I think it is a reaction. Tied to the fight or flight reaction set. I don't think we have all that much control over it.

I am not sure if lust is a 100% choice but more so than attraction.

Love may be a choice to some and not so much for others. If you do not allow yourself to love someone - you can normally prevent it but ....... some don't seem to be able to prevent it. To those it is not some much of a choice.
 nipoleon
Joined: 12/27/2005
Msg: 19
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So is love a choice?
Posted: 6/8/2009 3:03:45 AM
We want to believe that love is some sort of magic voodoo spell or an uncontrollable force of nature. It is in fact a choice which we make.
We don't realize that we're making the choice because we don't want to admit to it being a choice.

Now, what most people take for love happens when someone comes along and triggers an emotional or psychological need which we have. There's no telling what that need might be, everyone's different.

But, what most people call love is really only infatuation, lust, mutual dependence or mutual enabling .
True love comes only after a long period of time of knowing someone.
 Stormwolf
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 21
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So is love a choice?
Posted: 6/8/2009 6:32:00 AM

do we choose to believe that love is stronger than the mind?


In any battle between heart and mind;
enter the silence
then go with the heart, for you will really have no choice.


when a relationship ends, and the love remains, is it our failure to control our conscious, or is it that love is stronger than any other sensation that it lingers with no control?


The power of love does not discriminate. There is no off/on switch.
 Angelcat4U
Joined: 11/10/2006
Msg: 26
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So is love a choice?
Posted: 6/9/2009 3:49:59 AM
Love is definitely a conscious choice we make. . . . there is a fine line drawn between love vs lust and not getting them confused is an important fact to remember. Whomever we have been involved with in our lives I believe holds a faceted fragment of our soul within our thought processes. . . and we can chose to hold onto the good that the relationship brought us, and yes, perhaps forever hold a glimmer of love for that person who is now for whatever reasons not in our lives. . . Yes is ALL about choice. . . . When a person wants out of a relationship, they quickly choose to pick and tear apart many areas of what once endeared them to that person. . .
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 28
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So is love a choice?
Posted: 6/9/2009 5:22:18 AM

Silken, I do understand where you're coming from, but imagine this scenario...if as you put it "falling in love is NOTa choice" imagine a gorgeous guy that you're starting to have feelings for, he's done everything right, and your head and heart are both saying "yes"...then boom! he confesses that he's an ex murderer...at that split second your whole PERCEPTION of this man changes, your thoughts, plans, and hopes have now changed...do you think you're still able to love him the same way? lol I know it's an extreme example, but hey long day at work, it's the best i can come up with.

There is still a point at which the whole thing is a choice. Say you meet someone at work from a different department and you spend a lot of time together, maybe at some type of development thing. You are starting to teeter a bit when someone says, oh Bob, his wife is such a nice woman. If you are normal, what was happening to you is instantly quashed because you aren't the type of woman to cheat.

That whole cheating thing also as I noted earlier, speaks to this issue because if it were not a choice, if opening yourself up to it were not a choice, more people would have affairs than the current number that do because everybody would be saying, it just happened, I had no control over it.

I was seeing a guy, we were even talking marriage. Several things happened in about a week's time frame that highlighted how jealous he was and how narrow a life with him would have been. It was like having cold water thrown on my face and suddenly, everything that was growing was gone. All of his positives couldn't hold a candle to that one negative of misery that awaited if I had chosen to ignore what I knew and keep loving him.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 29
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So is love a choice?
Posted: 6/9/2009 6:28:49 AM
What's scary is thinking that others out there could really believe that love is a choice ??? Two more pages of opinions since last my first posting and still nothing 'the other side' is saying makes any sense to me whatsoever....(help)

does a flower choose to grow, or is it something that happens as a force all on its own in the right environment? love isn't a choice; it's a form of energy that another person of all the appropriate qualities brings out of you. 2 magnets sitting around on their own are inert, but if you bring them together the right way there is a mutual energetic attraction that requires both parts to sustain.

^^^not's so lame at all motown--agree completely and love it. To love is not a choice to act or not on it is.
jmo
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 30
So is love a choice?
Posted: 6/9/2009 6:39:13 AM
Is not a choice.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 32
So is love a choice?
Posted: 6/9/2009 7:09:35 AM
A woman marries a guy and realizes very quickly that she does not love him. The woman stays together with the man for 18 years, then one year cheats on him with someone she falls in love with. Choice. I don't think so.

A man goes out with a woman and becomes fvck buddies. She falls in love with him. He doesn't see love for the world.

A man marries a woman. They are an arrange marriage and will honor their families. They do not love each other. But after three children, moving to America, the man is in a trip to India when the woman has an incredible realization, and that is that she is in love with her husband. When he gets back, she tells him. He confesses that he was in love with her the first moment they met.

Like someone said. You can chose who to be with, but love is not a choice.
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 33
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So is love a choice?
Posted: 6/9/2009 7:43:54 AM
I believe that the "choice" part ends with whether or not we are open enough to allow someone in, and whether we choose to explore a relationship with them. We can love someone, and choose not to be with them for whatever reason.

As for the love itself - I think back on all the "perfect" men I've known for me - who I didn't love or feel in any way, shape or form, romantic about. If it was a choice - I wouldn't be here.

If it was a choice - people wouldn't be posting on here about the terrible things people do to them, and then say - but I love him/her...

You can live by the heart, or by the mind. I think if you believe it's a choice, you aren't really feeling at all.
 Lobo_Corazon
Joined: 2/6/2009
Msg: 36
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So is love a choice?
Posted: 6/9/2009 8:14:30 AM

If you don't choose love how are you going to find love? One is responsible for their own choices and who they choose to love.

If you could choose love, you wouldn't need to find it. You'd just pick a likely person and say to each other "Hey, let's fall in love!"

But it doesn't work like that because we don't choose who to love. imo people are getting confused between choosing to be open to love, and choosing to fall in love with a particular person. Some even said "attraction isn't a choice, but love is". It's the same thing though - We could make the choice not to be open to attraction, should a pretty woman or dapper gentleman walk past - We just don't, because it isn't as scary I guess.

You can't choose to love a particular person any more than you can choose to be attracted to them. Or at least, if you can, I'd love for someone to show me the trick!
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
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So is love a choice?
Posted: 6/9/2009 11:27:35 AM
Gentle Fun...

Love grows from that first blush, the feeling develops and deepens and matures, and it is that FEELING that is at the heart of why you stick by someone when it's not all sunshine and lollipops....it gives you the ability to make those sacrifices and see it through.

I think you got that all backwards.
 Stormwolf
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 39
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So is love a choice?
Posted: 6/9/2009 1:17:09 PM
Angel,

Love is not a "Choice."
When you were born, it was not by choice but by love.
When you die, it will not be by choice, but by love.
Love is Eternal.
 Stormwolf
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 41
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So is love a choice?
Posted: 6/9/2009 3:42:46 PM
Angel,

I have a solution! Jesus has been posting on the Forums lately...
let's ask him?
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
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So is love a choice?
Posted: 6/9/2009 4:15:33 PM

You can argue semantics & rhetoric all day, but in the end, you do not CHOOSE to love someone or, more easily demonstrated, NOT love someone. It would be impossible to break someone's heart if it were strictly their 'option' to care. Anyone that can turn their emotions on and off at-will, is solid-serial-killer material.
I agree somewhat, but I will concede that these types of people certainly seem a tad sociopathic/narcissitic peronality disordered?

Come on Lonesomerick, you've been on these boards long enough to witness how many people ALSO believe they are victims of OTHER people's doings and not their own......
Speaking of (so called) "victims" of other peoples actions:
There are people who can choose NOT to fall in love .. Players as an example seem to have a rather solid grasp on thier OWN hearts. When/if they eventually settle on one plaything.. have they chosen to fall in love, or did it just overtake them without conscience thought ? ..

.. Things that make you go hmmmmmm! ..
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 45
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So is love a choice?
Posted: 6/9/2009 6:53:55 PM
@ Silken:
but it is also those of us who understand that taking love from its initial euphoria to the next stage IS a choice.

{I think} When one's heart is open and free of past heartache.. then they are open to accepting more than initial infatuation/lust and thus have chosen to allow that spark to grow, to blossom.. However; I don't believe they chose the actual love that developed.. it happened to develop past the initial stage because they were BOTH free and open for it to happen and there was enough of a loving connection that they were both overtaken by it and they do loving things to maintain that love.

By what you’ve described.. I see someone who, if she was not burdened with her past.. would have allowed love to happen with one of those men ~ not chose it to happen. You did however choose not to love them for very good reasons.

I think it is more feasible to say that we can choose NOT to love, due to boundaries we put up.

I think when a player or someone in my circumstances, does eventually decide to settle down, they have the beginnings of being capable of choosing true love. But the choice is only the beginning...
Perhaps, but it looks as though your basing your thoughts on your own experience.
> Because I don’t believe love is a choice – I think it’s just a matter of the player finding, that for whatever reason, love for that particular person has captured them and the only choosing they do is to stop looking for their next lustful connection.


if you think it is not a choice, then u lack decipline
This universal "truth" is written where? Your theory in the rest of your post knocks the bageeezus out of everyone who says "You can't help who you fall in love with" though.
 Lobo_Corazon
Joined: 2/6/2009
Msg: 46
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So is love a choice?
Posted: 6/9/2009 8:58:38 PM

I don't think I understand what you're trying to say WG. If you "choose" to allow a spark to grow, to blossom... isn't that a choice?

People make choices. Nobody is debating that. But if it's possible to choose to start or stop loving a particular person, I haven't figured out how (and I'd be very interested in learning, because I've been in a relationship where I wish I had fallen in love with her but it just never happened!)

You mentioned encountering a couple of men who you felt you could have fallen in love with, and choosing not to pursue a relationship at the time. Are you implying that you think if you had chosen the relationship, you would automatically have fallen in love?

Choosing to pursue love (ex. signing up for a dating site with a positive attitude) doesn't guarantee love happens, and when you are in love you can't just choose to turn it off. As someone mentioned, if it were a choice, nobody would have broken hearts (except the masochists, I suppose!)
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