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 kustomlife
Joined: 10/3/2008
Msg: 1
GF boring in bed getting to point where i'm not interested in her at allPage 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
We've been together for almost 2 years, moved in last year. Sex was decent at first, not great but thought there was potential. Problem is she has had bad past with x's so she is very finicky about positions, where my hands are, how hard, how physical, aboslutely no roughness whatsoever, bj's are very weak (can tell she only does cuz I want, which is not a turn on). She's told me that she's never really been hornynor cared about sex, so the little sex we have like once a month, is usually exactly same as month earlier, I don't know what to do, tried adding toys, not much changed, at 25 i high drive and it needs to be satisfied better, b/c while rest of relationship is good now, it's slowly going downhill. Any ideas?
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 2
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GF boring in bed getting to point where i'm not interested in her at all
Posted: 6/10/2009 9:41:18 PM
Tell her the truth, as nicely as possible but be sure you are quite honest. Tell her you are no longer interested in the relationship because the sex part is not good and the sex part is important to you. There is no reason to stay and drag this out, she's told you she doesn't care about the sex part of the relationship so even if she tried for a bit, it's never going to work. Never become more involved with someone you've lost interest in, what's the point.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 3
GF boring in bed getting to point where i'm not interested in her at all
Posted: 6/10/2009 9:47:12 PM
You are both not sexually compatible, and from the sounds of the OP, she's not interested in working on it. I know I'd lose interest if I was dating a guy who wasn't into sex. What's the point? You can only play gin rummy for so long.
 SpecialHeartedLady
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 4
GF boring in bed getting to point where i'm not interested in her at all
Posted: 6/10/2009 9:55:33 PM
Sounds like she can really benefit from your emotional caring and su ort. My keys won't tye the letter between o and q so don't mind my selling.

If she had roblems with other men then she needs hel.

You made a choice to live in a marriage relationshi with this woman. You need to do the right things and ut her heart first and try to get her hel. Be there for her and ut her first and yourself last. Hel her get help and things can change for the better then.

Don't listen to these fools who tell you she's doing various things to other men's rivate arts. Seriously, if you care for her, do the right things like I've said above.

Cindi
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 5
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GF boring in bed getting to point where i'm not interested in her at all
Posted: 6/10/2009 11:46:20 PM
Why don't you just make an honest effort to do it the way she likes it (this will take experimenting, possibly taking more time, building it up better, being gentle instead of rough, doing extra chores unexpectedly without being asked beforehand, doing little romantic gestures), and see if you CAN get her more turned on. Once she is more turned on, that should be more of a turn on for you, and you two can build from there. Foreplay just doesn't start in bed, it starts all throughout the day and the day before in how you cherish her and show your appreciation of her. Clearly that's not happening. And clearly you are only thinking of your own needs if you consider her "finicky." If it doesn't feel good for her, it just doesn't. Try something that does. I think you two might just be sexually incompatible. I have been with a guy who wouldn't adjust his style, and he just never got the idea that I couldn't relax if I kept thinking he would do something that either hurt or didn't feel good. Plus he just wasn't affectionate enough to get me starting to feel in the mood. The toys were a good idea, unless it was too overwhelming for her and not a turn-on for her. Try something softer and more romantic like a very light body massage or something sensual like painting chocolate on her. What are her fantasies? Read up and vary your techniques for going down on her. Try doing something like that just for her without expecting her to return the favour that night. Make her feel spoiled for one evening.
 itsmillertime6227
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 6
GF boring in bed getting to point where i'm not interested in her at all
Posted: 6/11/2009 4:12:48 AM
Women that have been sexually abused will be like this the rest of their life unless they go through therapy and that will take to long or not work at all. If you don't like it, get out while you still can brother.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 7
GF boring in bed getting to point where i'm not interested in her at all
Posted: 6/11/2009 4:24:26 AM
I've been there, except I let it go on for 6 years. Get out now. It won't get better.
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 8
GF boring in bed getting to point where i'm not interested in her at all
Posted: 6/11/2009 4:57:16 AM
OP

Just leave.

It never gets better.

This is why I always ask about this stuff before dating a girl anymore. In the past I tried being a gentleman....

But I think it's more gentlemanly now to make sure a girl is compatible with me before ever getting her clothes off.

I don't want to add to my count, or her to add to her count unnecessarily.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 9
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GF boring in bed getting to point where i'm not interested in her at all
Posted: 6/11/2009 6:26:38 AM
Having been in a very long term relationship with poor sex, I can almost guarantee that it will never get better, only worse. It continually undermines the relationship and you grow farther and farther apart over time,. It sounds like you're sexually incompatible, so perhaps it's time to face up to that and end the so-called relationship.
 blonde chickie
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 10
GF boring in bed getting to point where i'm not interested in her at all
Posted: 6/11/2009 7:19:19 AM
Just leave, cuz it won't get better.
 SASSYN89178
Joined: 2/19/2007
Msg: 11
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GF boring in bed getting to point where i'm not interested in her at all
Posted: 6/11/2009 7:22:25 AM
When was the last time your girlfriend went to a gynecologist? Probably never.

Since you've been in this relationship for 2 yrs it seems you care about her. If not, move on.
Go get some books, ie The Joy of Sex, go see a therapist. The problem is not going to go away.
 Lively Waters
Joined: 4/30/2007
Msg: 12
GF boring in bed getting to point where i'm not interested in her at all
Posted: 6/11/2009 7:43:57 AM

She's told me that she's never really been horny nor cared about sex, so the little sex we have like once a month, is usually exactly same as month earlier, I don't know what to do, tried adding toys, not much changed, at 25 i high drive and it needs to be satisfied better, b/c while rest of relationship is good now, it's slowly going downhill. Any ideas?


I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this position. When I luv a man, I WANT to fulfill his "preferences." But the quote above really answers everything for you.

WE CANNOT CHANGE OTHER PEOPLE. My first reaction was for you to gently TEACH her how to please you while not losing your sense of humor. But after reading your entire thread, my feeling is that you have a VERY simple to make.

I say simple becuz there's only two things to be done: You either accept that your love with this woman is strong enough to accept that she will NEVER be what you want in bed. If she won't allow you to help her learn how to please you, then there's nothing more to be done. The other option is that you decide there's someone much more compatable out there for you.

Ultimately, if you have talked this thing to death with her (and it sounds like you have)
and nothing changed...well...make your decision...and good luck!



 Lively Waters
Joined: 4/30/2007
Msg: 13
GF boring in bed getting to point where i'm not interested in her at all
Posted: 6/11/2009 8:09:53 AM

How do you stimulate her mind? Guys are physical, women are mental. Do you tell her she smells sweet? Do you foreplay with her before the bedroom scene? Stimulate her before sex time. The battle isn't won while ur in the war, it's won by planning beforehand. [/]

Oooooh...good one. Yes making luv should start b4 the bedroom is so very true. If a man treats me like I'm in his way or other things are more important b4 he takes me to the bedroom, there is no real luv making. Anyone can have SEX, but only a real man can make luv!
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 14
GF boring in bed getting to point where i'm not interested in her at all
Posted: 6/11/2009 8:19:49 AM
If you were any good in bed you wouldn't have this problem. Sorry to have to break it to you.

I'm sorry, but that is an absurd claim. I've gotten bored with girlfriends because THEY were BORING in bed. Women are not the paragons of sensuality, eroticism, creativity and communication they would like to believe, so when sex is boring, it's not always the man's fault.


She wouldn't listen to any advice and only would do one position.

I've had an extended duscussion about sensuality with a woman from the forums and after 25+ years of dating (and much frustration with women who lack initiative, aggression and sensuality), she finally said something that made sense. Sensuality is innate and rare. It's not something you can fix with advice, hints, suggestions, etc. A sensual individual will be that way instinctively. If a woman (or a man) doesn't ``get it,'' then she/he never will.


How do you stimulate her mind? Guys are physical, women are mental.

You are missing the point entirely. Sex involves TWO people. She should be just a interested in stimulating her mind (and his) as he about doing the same. I generally expect at least an hour of foreplay, but the fact that she gets highly stimulated and gets off does NOT means the sex wasn't boring for me. If you don't understand that, I'm not sure what to add that will help.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 15
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GF boring in bed getting to point where i'm not interested in her at all
Posted: 6/11/2009 8:37:08 AM

Women are not the paragons of sensuality, eroticism, creativity and communication they would like to believe, so when sex is boring, it's not always the man's fault.

^^^We're not? That was always kind of a quiet and unique selling point of mine... ;)

Sensuality is innate and rare. It's not something you can fix with advice, hints, suggestions, etc. A sensual individual will be that way instinctively. If a woman (or a man) doesn't ``get it,'' then she/he never will.

^^^Exactly. I absolutely believe this.


one edit

Sex is weird like that, you either mesh or you don't.

^^^I completely agree...and no amount of 'wishing' that it could be different is going to make a difference.
 Okietokie88
Joined: 12/8/2008
Msg: 16
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GF boring in bed getting to point where i'm not interested in her at all
Posted: 6/11/2009 9:59:32 AM
Word,I've been through this and it sucks but it is what it is.I like how you want to help and all but it's an internal issue that must be truly addressed before a healthy relationship can be forged.Try couples counseling ,granted it more than likely wont work but you never know until ya go.
 catkin2007
Joined: 12/18/2007
Msg: 17
GF boring in bed getting to point where i'm not interested in her at all
Posted: 6/11/2009 12:56:56 PM
Adrenalineontwowheels is absolutely right... it begins long before the bedroom scene.

Bottomline is... you have two choices. 1 - stay with her and try to resolve the issues with communication and counseling or, 2 - end the relationship.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 18
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GF boring in bed getting to point where i'm not interested in her at all
Posted: 6/11/2009 2:21:26 PM

She's told me that she's never really been horny nor cared about sex,

^^ This bit quite clearly suggests that her attitudes to sexuality has nothing to do with the OP or his performance and indicates she is asexual or apathetic towards sex.

Sexual compatibility would be vitally important to me.
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 19
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GF boring in bed getting to point where i'm not interested in her at all
Posted: 6/12/2009 12:18:42 AM
My first marriage lasted 14 years. I was never attracted to him, sexually. I didnt enjoy sex with him. Of course, he blamed me. I was 17 when we married. He never, in all those years, tried to make it tender, romantic or better for me. Just climbed on and away he went. I may as well have been a blow up job. Used, used, and used again. When I tried to talk to him, he actually said to me, "Well, I havent had any complaints0, so it must be you". Nothing was ever done about it. Hind site is 20/20. The man would constantly lie to me, and was irresponsible. The man was selfish, self centered. It took me a while to realize his lies had eroded the love I felt in the beginning. I couldnt trust or respect him, so I wasnt attracted to him. With my 2nd husband, I actually had a sex life, for the first time in my life, at the age of 32, I found out, it wasnt me, it was him.
 TragicallyHip
Joined: 11/28/2006
Msg: 20
GF boring in bed getting to point where i'm not interested in her at all
Posted: 6/12/2009 5:02:17 AM
Is she taking birth control pills or using another form of hormonal birth control? Although MDs and big pharma downplay the issue, I do believe that birth control hormones (and many other meds, for that matter) will kill libido.

However, if when you say "bad experiences in the past," you mean sexual abuse, then that is a WHOLE other issue, one that most likely will require professional help and a commitment on her part to do some work.

If those two issues are not in play, then I agree with the other posters: it's time to find someone with whom you are more sexually compatible.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 21
GF boring in bed getting to point where i'm not interested in her at all
Posted: 6/12/2009 6:50:20 AM
Well no, actually it isn't absurd at all. And it has nothing at all to do with women being paragons of sensuality, eroticism, creativity and communication. It's just that if the woman isn't getting any pleasure from the sex she isn't likely to be giving any pleasure either. I really didn't care for sex until I was in my 40s. It was just something I did to try to please the man I was with not something that gave me pleasure. Then I met someone new who focused on giving me pleasure and the whole world changed

Although your first sentence nenies what I said, the rest of what you said proves my point. You did NOTHING to give yourself any pleasure and instead, appear to have merely complied with your partners' wishes for service. You may have gotten to where you like sex now, but you didn't like it instinctively. There's a difference between sensuality and technique. Sensuality involves your own innate desire, creativity and initiative, none of which are something you can get from another person. Technique is getting some mechanical things right.


So the answer must be to help her enjoy it. If he doesn't care enough to do that then obviously he ought to end the relationship because it isn't doing any good to either of them.

It's impossible to educate someone who has no enthusiasm for learning. That's true regardless of whether you're talking about sex or mathematics or whatever. The desire to learn is innate.
 Heathermariee
Joined: 5/27/2009
Msg: 22
GF boring in bed getting to point where i'm not interested in her at all
Posted: 6/12/2009 8:51:20 AM
If it was only going on for a little while , i can understand how there'd be a glimpse of hope in your mind , but after two years ? . . its time for you to walk .
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 23
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GF boring in bed getting to point where i'm not interested in her at all
Posted: 6/12/2009 9:09:55 AM

Anything less than being a couple who can't keep their hands off each other is dysfunctional as far as I'm concerned.

^^^'nuff said.
 Argentum Crinis Philogus
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 24
GF boring in bed getting to point where i'm not interested in her at all
Posted: 6/12/2009 9:22:03 AM

If she don't get horny it only means you are not turning her on.


Wrong and thanks for playing.

If she has a low or no libido there a great number of possible reasons that have nothing to do with the OP.

Best,
ACP
 Argentum Crinis Philogus
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 25
GF boring in bed getting to point where i'm not interested in her at all
Posted: 6/12/2009 9:28:32 AM

If you were any good in bed you wouldn't have this problem. Sorry to have to break it to you.


"What you've just written is one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever read. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response was there anything that could even be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul!" Taken from Billy Madison and edited by myself.

Our public education system is failing our children, especially in the area of sex education and human sexuality.

Best,

ACP

P.S. There really needs to be a head-shaking emoticon.
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