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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids      Home login  
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 DragonRider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 2
why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kidsPage 1 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
Not a lot to go on from what you say or your profile, there is numerous other threads concerning the same subject of why men run, why women run.
But just taking from what you have said, first off a fairy tale is just that, a fairytale, it is not reality.
What you should like to have actual reality.
Now I'm one of those who does not have a problem with women who have children or even a number of them, secondly I am not intimidated by strong independent women.
Now I'm not trying to be critical or unduly critical, you did ask the question and I'm going to give you an answer from my perspective.
In your profile, someone has to have a photo in order to contact you. So if you are into appearance as one of your top criteria, I would have to say most likely you should enjoy the single life.
But that is not to say that you won't get lucky, but you would be better off looking for someone who is attractive on the inside and let the outside take care of itself, you may actually find yourself more satisfied.
I could say a little more but I would probably get in trouble.
But I'm going to tell you a little story, might give you something to think about.
I have an older sister, educated, has won a beauty contest, but she couldn't find anyone, dated lots of good looking men but nothing ever worked out. She was 33 years old, and one day she was standing in line to see a movie by herself, got into a conversation with a gentleman who was next to her in line and fell madly in love.
He was fat, blind in one eye, worked at a hamburger joint, professional college student, nine years younger and Jewish.
Needless to say we were a little astonished.
She married him.
Now he's a doctor, made the national list of who's who in 1999 and they have been married now almost 30 years.
One of the most fantastic people I know in my life.
In essence, she kissed the right frog!
So in essence what I am trying to say, if you go by appearance, you may actually miss the fairytale.
DR
 Also Andi
Joined: 5/29/2009
Msg: 7
why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids
Posted: 6/11/2009 4:12:16 PM
Am I reading that right? Six children? Thats a lot of children. I have kids and personally I would be reluctant to date someone with that many kids simply because of the huge responsibility. The other problem with having kids is that not only do you have to be compatable with the individual but also have to be compatable with the children and be comfortable with and respect the other persons parenting style. Thats a lot to ask from a relationship for anyone with kids.

I recommend patience. If you're just looking for dating, the kids really aren't in the picture right? You take care of paying for your babysitters and make sure that the kids needs are met. But, if it's relationship you're after, the 'right' guy will be interested in you as the whole package - six children included.

Andi
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 8
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why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids
Posted: 6/11/2009 4:14:54 PM
33 with 6 kids? When exactly do you find the time to date?
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 12
why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids
Posted: 6/11/2009 5:28:30 PM
I would rather stay single than date a chick with kids.

It's just a major turnoff to me for a variety of reasons.

If you do a forum search, you could see a multitude of men posting all of them.

If I met my "soulmate" and she had a child, I would not be interested.

::shrug::

I won't mince words. Children are my only set in stone deal breaker.
 hannity
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 13
why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids
Posted: 6/11/2009 5:50:52 PM
Codesalive said:

Most single men without children want Sex, non-commitment, to be mothered, cleaned up after, and no financial burdens (kids)


Wow! It seems that single men without children want the same thing that single dads want, expect we were smart enough to avoid the financial burdens (kids), part. But just to show you that there is no validity to your statement please make note of the following regarding what single men with no children want:

1. Sex - All men want this
2. Non-commitement - Aren't you the one that's divorced single dad? So much for being commited
3. To be mothered - We live alone duh...and we don't want mothers
4. Cleaned up after - We live alone duh...and it's a lot easier to clean up when you don't have kids running around
5. No Financial burden - You have kids, we don't, why would we seek financial burden created by single parents just because..

Thank you!
 chrispratt
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 19
why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids
Posted: 6/12/2009 1:08:52 AM
Ok honestly i would rather date someone with a kid. Ok i know what all of you are saying i am only 19 years old i am so young you do not know anything. But your wrong i know alot about life and i understand some of the heart aches people have to go through with there kids. Honestly it is alot easier then you think. Cause look at it if you really like the girl then you will find a way to get along with the kid. They come as a package deal. Yea ok there are the emergencies and the rude calls in betweens dinners and everything but i mean come on there kids shit is going to happen but again and i will repeat my self if you like the girl who really cares be there to support her and her family. Ok about the hiring a baby sitter WHY? why can't you go over to her house help her out by cooking dinner for her and her kid and spend time with them as a pair. Whats the sence of going though all of that and in the end meeting the kid and the kid not liking you or vis versa. So i mean honestly its not that hard to date a girl with a kid you just have to have patience. I have helped raise my best friends kid for almost a year now, I have pretty much became this fathers kid and it was not easy in the begining but you have to stick with it and be patient with her and the kid. goood luck with your adventure.:modhammer:
 doug1978
Joined: 12/9/2004
Msg: 22
why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids
Posted: 6/12/2009 4:57:50 AM
Women with kids no problem. And yes kids always come first as a single dad i expect the same. And i do think its alot easier for another parent to date a parent. but look out for what your getting into guys. if her kids are constantly at grandmas or some where else your not dealing with a parent. your dealing with a egg donor. and im not talking about when she has to work. I mean like when she thinks mothers day means she gets a day without the kids instead of wanting them on that day. That type of women will put herself first then her kids and u might be somewere down the line. and it really should be kids each other then ourselves last. however 6 kids is really pushing it. all same father ok u though u were in love shit happens. 2 differnt fathers ok maybe. 3 differnt fathers prolly not going to date u. 4 differnt fathers do u really not know what birth control is. 5 and 6 differnt fathers lol i wouldnt even sleep with you be way to scared of what i could catch. cause i would really doubt every guy u slept with got u pregnant so were not talking un protected sex with 5 or 6 ppl were prolly looking at 20 to 30 yea no thanx. but it does go bolth ways the women that want relationships with guys that have 6 kids all with differnt women come on wake up your not going to be anymore special then all the women that came before you they have already proven there not worth a shit. same as the women with 6 differnt baby daddies
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 23
why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids
Posted: 6/12/2009 7:47:34 AM
Hopeulgal.

Your responses are meaningless because they only reflect your life.

What you are failing to recognize is that you're a lot smarter, more self disciplined, and you've got your shit together more than most other single mothers I've met or talked to in my life.

For the -vast majority- of women, the items you ticks off are valid concerns. Additionally, we're selfish creatures. You mentioned that with biological children (or perhaps adopted in my case) those issues still need to be adressed.

That's true - doesn't change the fact that many of us don't want to go through it with another man's kid(s).

Just keep the 19 year old "model" single mother who posted another thread in mind.

-Josh
 DocElffington
Joined: 1/20/2009
Msg: 35
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why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids
Posted: 6/13/2009 6:14:47 PM
The simplest response, is that he's not ready for a ready-made family and he knows it.

We worry about becoming the "Paycheck".

We worry about baby daddy drama.

We see plenty of women running around, spotting off the phrase, "My kids come first" and we don't particularly feel like becoming second-class citizens in our homelife or being runner-up.

There's just a lot of implications to women with kids!
 hungry_joe
Joined: 6/24/2006
Msg: 39
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why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids
Posted: 6/14/2009 6:08:35 AM
DR is right a fair tale is just that. And if you read the Brothers Grimm, the whole story isn't some niceity that disney has sanitized. In other words you have to go through some hell. If you have 6 childern that would scare the hell out of me, not so much that I wouldn't want to be with someone with that many childern, but as a man I would want to be able to support a large family like that in a LTR. So take it slow and let the man ease into and if you see yourself going to the next level maybe a money talk would be in order, just to keep him calm. Think about how freaked a first time dad gets when he finds out is wife/girlfriend is preg. This has a lot to do with our expecations of ourselves as men, and yes money too.

Breeze, as far as men with childern not wanting to date you. I guess you haven't found the right one. As time has gone on, I find myself more interested in women with childern. Partly because of age, and partly because mutal understanding. I would look for the men with 50% or greater time with the childern. Those are the ones that are truely going to understand what it means to be a single parent. IMO every other weekend fathers, still have their free time on the off periods thus, are like other single men. That isn't a slam, just an observation that they don't comprehend it all just because of there individual experience.
 hungry_joe
Joined: 6/24/2006
Msg: 41
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why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids
Posted: 6/14/2009 6:33:48 AM
Edit: The second paragraph was for Dreamy Skies. Sorry about that folks. In the first paragraph it should read that it that you have to go through some hell to get to your happy ending.
It is too bad that most of the interesting women that I meet here are too far away. Such as the UK or Canada. Maybe we should think about a single Dad/Mom exchange program. ;)
 Tealwood
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 42
why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids
Posted: 6/14/2009 6:48:56 AM

I take offense with the being worried about becoming a "paycheck" because it implies that single moms can't take care of their children on their own...

honestly i did not think so many men would share this same opinion as my ex...

men u are supposed to be men... u should be able to put ur needs aside for the benefit of children...



So saeth a woman who proclaims 6yrs of upper education. ( English & History) Which suggests no real marketable skills to earn a living and who has career listed as unknown at 27...I must wonder how you provide for yourself and your children both today and into the future?

So yes you are right fathers should put aside their needs to contribute to the children....but equally a mother of 27..should be well established in her own career or career path to finacially provide for herself and her child....rather than be perceived as just another freeloader looking for a wallet. But then she may be looking at her spousal and cs as her means of contributing?


As good single parents/parents we learn what it is to make sacrifices...


I agree with the premise as individuals we have to make sacrifices or accomodations in life when we enter relationships. But i suggest both parties are required to make those sacrifices. And understand what the other is sacrificing. Having ones head in the stars and not recognizing realities simply defines one who feels entitled. I wonder what sacrifices you would be making when entering a relationship?

Your posts reeks of an individuals who the man will always be the provider or the financial resource.

I would have no problem dating a single mother like "Nothing Sweet about me" as she is a woman who in life would walk beside her partner and be equally invovled in the relationship. There is a single woman who is fully capable of forging her way in life standing strong on her own without someone else to provide for her.

i suggest if one goes back over the profiles and read and extrapolate the situation from many of the single mothers whining about this topic..you will not find this holds true for most.

And that is why you will find men leery of dating single mothers...as they should be, always carefull of the question of whether they are desired for who they are...or what the bring to the dinner table.
 DocElffington
Joined: 1/20/2009
Msg: 46
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why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids
Posted: 6/14/2009 3:15:56 PM
I take offense with the being worried about becoming a "paycheck" because it implies that single moms can't take care of their children on their own...

You have the right to take offense with whatever your heart chooses.

Whose problem is THAT? YOURS alone!!!

Even if you are, personally, an exception to the rule........
That doesn't make the rule different.

There ARE women/mothers out there that use non-parental men as their "paycheck".

We men are of aware of this fact.

Initially, we are unaware of whom these women are. Especially when you take into account that everybody is trying to put their best foot forward.
So maybe the unemployed bone hasn't slipped past her lips yet?

There ARE some deceptive women out there. So then, maybe you should take offense to these women first??
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 47
why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids
Posted: 6/14/2009 5:10:03 PM
The easiest way to never die of a drug overdose is to never do drugs.

The easiest way to never become a paycheck for single mother or have to deal with baby daddy drama is to never date a single mother.


Thank you. I do seminars for modest fees.

 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 50
why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids
Posted: 6/14/2009 5:58:19 PM

I'm a single mum to a 4 year old and I would never expect a new partner to support my daughter financially. I work full time to provide a home and everything thing else that my child needs, so why do so many of you assume that we all want a man to support us?

Also a lot of you have mentioned the baggage of the ex - again that isn't always the case - just sometimes in life relationships end. I don't particularly like my ex but thats as far as it goes - nobody is going to beat anyone up!!

Maybe there are some single mums out there who are just looking for a free ride - but there are those of us who aren't so please don't tarnish us all with the same brush. A lot of us are more capable than those without kids as we really have learnt to stand on our own two feet and to get on with life on our own.


That's not logical. I don't think that all single mothers are dirtbags. Far from it, in fact. I have one friend in particular who was a single mom for a while and she AMAZED me with her work ethic and how tough she was. It was truly humbling to watch her live her life.

That said, we're all going to die. We have a finite time to live on this planet, and MANY options to date out there. I don't have -TIME- to get to know everyone.

So why in the world would I want to "get to know" single moms when the odds are rather high they will fall into the stereotyped categories others have mentioned?

Wouldn't it be much more efficient and logical to just get to know the child-less girls?

Why is this such a difficult concept to get?

And even if a woman is totally self relient and an awesome person, if I get serious with her, the fact is I do not want to raise another man's kid(s).

If I adopt a child with a woman I am married to, that child is mine just as if it were biologically mine. However, if I were to date a single mother (especially if the sperm donor has contact with the children), her kid will never be mine.

Ever.

Obviously not all men are different. Plus, men seem to change their mind on this issue with age.

So single moms..... your dating pool will be a lot larger if you widen it to include older men.

Just a thought.
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 53
why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids
Posted: 6/14/2009 7:47:59 PM

I'm a single mum to a 4 year old and I would never expect a new partner to support my daughter financially. I work full time to provide a home and everything thing else that my child needs, so why do so many of you assume that we all want a man to support us?

Also a lot of you have mentioned the baggage of the ex - again that isn't always the case - just sometimes in life relationships end. I don't particularly like my ex but thats as far as it goes - nobody is going to beat anyone up!!

Maybe there are some single mums out there who are just looking for a free ride - but there are those of us who aren't so please don't tarnish us all with the same brush. A lot of us are more capable than those without kids as we really have learnt to stand on our own two feet and to get on with life on our own.


Thank you!!!!! I didn't know so many men had this many problems with dating a single mom until I read this thred. Sheesh! Not all of us have a whole lot of kids and looking for a surrogate father for them. Yes, there are some sacrifices that go along with parenthood like not as much free time as we like. But it can work. Plus not all of us are looking to have our hands in your wallet, either. My kid has a father in her life. So no, she doesn't lack for that. As for the baby daddy drama, not all of us have that, either. So stop painting us with the same brush. Take us on a woman by woman basis. Just like I will never say I won't date a man or be in a long-term relationship with one who has kids. That would be so wrong on many levels because if I'm not open to his child[ren], why should I expect him to be open to mine. Men and women with children shouldn't be doomed because we had children and our relationship with the father didn't work.
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 54
why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids
Posted: 6/14/2009 8:08:52 PM
So why in the world would I want to "get to know" single moms when the odds are rather high they will fall into the stereotyped categories others have mentioned?


That's why there is dating and taking it slow to find out if she's the stereotype, has her sh*t together and not looking to have her hand in your wallet.


Wouldn't it be much more efficient and logical to just get to know the child-less girls?


True, but you could be missing out on a wonderful woman.


And even if a woman is totally self relient and an awesome person, if I get serious with her, the fact is I do not want to raise another man's kid(s).


Ok, when you say raise another man's kids, do you mean where there is no father in the child's life because the guy skipped out or are you talking about a father who is paying child support and is in the child's life. If it's the latter, you are not raising that child per se. You are in the woman's life and may become a friend to that child, but that child has a father.


If I adopt a child with a woman I am married to, that child is mine just as if it were biologically mine. However, if I were to date a single mother (especially if the sperm donor has contact with the children), her kid will never be mine.


True enough. But isn't that better than raising a child where the father neither sees the child nor pays child support. At least with the father in the background at least and he his providing for that child, that takes the pressure off you. There is money coming into the household in the form of child support.


So single moms..... your dating pool will be a lot larger if you widen it to include older men.


Or maybe just single dads.
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 57
why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids
Posted: 6/14/2009 9:16:24 PM
I agree, but for those of us in Canada, we don't necessarily even get that option... As I've said before, non-biological father figures can be on the hook for support... And if she has to go on social assistance... the mother may not have any say in it...


I didn't know you are Canadian. Didn't know that about non-biological father figures can be on the hook for child support. Does that extend to a live-in relationship where you're not married to the woman?



As for not raising that child, Ummm ok... when hthe kids mom is out, shall I call up the father and ask him to tell his kids to do their homework tidy their rooms or that they have to be in by 9pm.... But then, it's so much easier when you ask one of the kids to do something and they just reply, "You're not my parent"....
Look, if the father is not around, someone has to do the work of raising them.... and it's not always possible for mom to be there 24/7 everyday... so it does end up being the new guys job to raise them.... or would you prefer we just pretend they don't exist....? Or leave it to Mom comes home....? "Hi honey, glad you're back, listen Jenny fell off the swing and broke her leg, can you do something about getting her off to the hospital.... her screaming is driving the neighbours crazy...."


Well, that comes from the mom not teaching her kids to respect you. I will never tolerate that kind of behavior from my child. End of story.


Yes, it's so much fun to have the 'father' around...
I get to meet the guy who in the past was fcuking my G/F for 15 years and I get to meet him a couple of times a week.... But then if I want to see his face, I look across the table at the kids that look like him.... Hey, Gee, maybe I can ask him for pointers.... afterall he knocked her up a few times... Yeah, sorry, that just doesn't seem to work for me....


Glad to hear your point of view on this and food for thought as to how some men may feel about seeing the man that fathered my child. Thank god, my ex never comes up to my apartment partly because he is allergic to cats. But in the event, I'm in a LTR, there will never be any run ins with him.
 DocElffington
Joined: 1/20/2009
Msg: 58
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why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids
Posted: 6/14/2009 9:25:26 PM
Listen,

Blanket pigeon-holing all men into this category don't fly.

Some men are upto the task and some aren't.

Some people out there grew up with step mothers or step fathers that turned out to be awesome parents.

But then there are some whom have the awful war stories.

The reluctant men have tried to explain there reluctance and you will not alleviate that.

It's best to attempt to try to understand their concerns and not take it so personally.


Keep your chin up though because there ARE good men out there whom will give mothers a chance.

The challenge, though, is to be patient and recognize and identify!



End of story.


That isn't the end of the story though because YOU aren't every mother! Only the mother of your kids. And therein lies the extent of your power.
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 62
why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids
Posted: 6/15/2009 1:31:56 PM
It's not PC to put it this way....

But men like to own. Women like to be owned.

So how would you feel if you got a car but every week you had to see one of the previous owners of that car (one who dumped milk all over the floor and made it smell) who liked to tell you about how much he drove that car, and that you're driving it all wrong?

Wouldn't that erode your sense of ownership? Or make it seem less special that you own that car?

It's hard to put these things into words. I'm doing my best.
 DragonRider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 65
why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids
Posted: 6/15/2009 2:06:17 PM
And even if a woman is totally self relient and an awesome person, if I get serious with her, the fact is I do not want to raise another man's kid(s).


Why do women think that if their child's biological father didn't want to raise them, another man will want to? Even if a single mother is not looking for a man to support her, the fact is that if they get married the new guy WILL BE supporting another man's children.


Don't include me in this description, which in that makes this above description false.
I have before, would do it again.
The person who made that quote should speak for themselves, not for me.
I can very well speak for myself.
As another thread, any guy can be a father, but it takes a MAN to be a daddy.
A MAN will take responsibility even if it isn't his own.
DR
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 66
why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids
Posted: 6/15/2009 2:12:53 PM
A MAN

Doesn't date chicks with kids.




Seriously. Quit chest-thumping. Honor and integrity are honor and integrity. A man's desire or lack of desire to raise another man's kids has nothing to do with being "a man".

It has everything to do with the willingness to raise another man's kids. Some are ok with it - some aren't.

 hungry_joe
Joined: 6/24/2006
Msg: 67
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why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids
Posted: 6/15/2009 2:32:05 PM
However, if I were to date a single mother (especially if the sperm donor has contact with the children), her kid will never be mine.

I resemble that remark. I'm a single dad that is active in my sons life. And to counter that agruement. My son has a half sister that I watch (and will be more often). She calls me daddy, and loves me to pieces. Love is not finite, even if our time on earth is. I see her just as much as my daughter, as my biological son . Yet that is me.
 hungry_joe
Joined: 6/24/2006
Msg: 68
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why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids
Posted: 6/15/2009 4:42:01 PM
The point the DR was making Solider is quit speaking in sweeping generalities. You can only speak and control yourself. NO ONE ELSE. Your opinions are your own and you're entitled to have them. Some of us, have different life experiences that give us an opposing view. Which is just as valid as yours.

When did childern become a mess? Just avoid those with "bad parenting skills" and date those (if you choose) that have her or his act together.

Disagree with the comment about not wanting to see another mans child(ern). The little girl I watch isn't mine. As a matter of fact you can call that the determining factor in the split with my ex-wife. Typical Ft. Bragg situation if you will. I am not trashing the mother, just stating a fact. He and I get along well enough now, to the point I watch his daughter. I don't see him, I see her, and the indiviual that is before me. A little ball of energic love. I guess time and distance changes all things. I choose not to live a bitter angry life. It way too short.
 GQSunset
Joined: 2/28/2009
Msg: 71
why are men reluctant to get involved with someone who has kids
Posted: 6/15/2009 6:44:13 PM
Op it's a lot of financial responsibility as well as having that many kids demands a set of social and parenting skills that most men do not possess. One child is hard enough but more than that and it already sounds like there will be no fun of any kind in that relationship without a lot of serious work.It's hard enough for a man to accept having to be number two in your life but number seven ?????????? wow
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