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Show ALL Forums  > Over 30  > Are men on here really interested in marriage      Home login  
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 hellgremlin
Joined: 5/23/2009
Msg: 2
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Are men on here really interested in marriagePage 1 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
I think it's because we'd prefer to date someone and feel them out ourselves, then decide whether they're worth marrying. Being approached by someone with marriage on the mind, seems like they'd take just about anyone to shack up with them.

Telling a man you're looking for marriage sets off his intruder red alert - because there's cling-ons coming aboard.
 aeroman444
Joined: 1/20/2009
Msg: 15
Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/23/2009 7:26:00 PM
Yup. I am just looking to knock the back out of some nice lady. ;)
 tbuddha
Joined: 2/28/2005
Msg: 19
Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/23/2009 9:19:11 PM
OP: With so many women not wanting to be wives, why would any guy want to get married? Hardly any women want to take care of a home and kids anymore. The laws are slanted against us in a divorce. It's basically become a big set up for men, and the smarter ones avoid it. Also, you have kids, which to me would make me question how well you can be in a relationship if you couldn't even stay with the father of your children.

I guess I could maybe be down for a ceremony but I would definitely keep the government out of it.
 TheReason_
Joined: 5/16/2009
Msg: 20
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Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/23/2009 9:26:10 PM
I would probably have to see what you looked like, before deciding to get married or not.


Call me crazy.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 21
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Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/24/2009 1:18:46 AM
having been married 2x, that is not my major concern. however, i would like to think that i will ultimately, at least, be living with the right man for me. marriage to me expresses a spiritual dimension, but that would have to evolve. there are also econ0mic aspects that need to be addressed by both parties openly. since i am way over 30, let me save you some time and tell you what i've learned:

despite my ultimate vision of my future, i don't immediately say i want to meet a man who will live with me--unless i am arguing on a pof forum! first of all, how the h-ll do you know if you'd want to live with a man let alone he with you--seeing as you don't know him well enough?!* you are putting the cart before the horse.

if you aren't willing to do the work and take the time to date and meet men for their character, interests, values and other aspects of "self", that cannot just respond to a laundry list and must first be "processed" in the course of a relationship-- then, you certainly will not have the time or energy to sustain a marriage, should you even get that far!!! marriage takes work. i used to love my work, so that's not a bad word to me. you must not only have immediate chemistry, but over time, you must both be able to "bond". you won't know that until after around 18 months, despite what he or you say your goals are!

marriage is like the wrapping paper that goes around a gift. you need to find the gift and spend the same amount of quality time, as you would when searching for a valuable asset. after all that, you can both decide how/when to wrap that gift. all that being said, if you meet someone who's a screw around, disrespectful towards you and just an overall not the man for you kind of guy--well then, just mose on along.

if it makes you feel any better, my generation married too fast and for the wrong reasons. look at the divorce rate! marriage is a sacrament, some say. it has to be approached and treated that way. it's not a quick fix, nor is it a guarantee. you do need to be saavy and sharpen your intuitive/people skills. you don't want an imitation gift. you want the real thing! i know way too many supposedly "religious" people, cheating on their spouses or just going from one marriage to the next, so they are fitting into what i perceive as a hypocritcal social structure. why waste the energy? i'd rather put it into a less superficial relationship and take my time "knowing".

as to internet, if you put want to marry, i'm sure many would lie and say the same. however, your profile says little about you and there's no pic--so, again you have the cart before the horse. he's not going to come in through your window. you need to do the work to find him.
 AirDisa
Joined: 6/19/2009
Msg: 22
Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/24/2009 5:01:02 AM
I want to be utterly in love with somebody that truly deserves it. It's a one step at a time issue with me. I've actually never been married. It's a cliche but my heart has been broken from a long term relationship breakup. Now I am cautious about who I even date. I still throw myself in at the risk of my feelings when I find someone I'm interested in. Short-term heartache is worth it if I eventually find the right person for something that lasts.

If it ever happens for me again, I hope I will be more goal-oriented regarding marriage. So, I understand why women want to talk about marriage early. I've been emotionally hurt by throwing it all in only to be eventually set aside. I just know I can't go straight to marriage. There has to be risk at first from both sides. I really don't know what to expect anymore. At 40, I'm just plodding along hoping for that romantic happiness that eludes me.
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 23
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Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/24/2009 9:05:31 AM

I think putting the emphasis on "getting married" as opposed to "having a great relationship" is one of the main reasons so many marriages fail.

Or as someone else once put it: women are all into getting married, not being married.

Thus there's a very prevalent sentiment out there among men these days that women simply aren't marriageable anymore. I know I can't recall having run across one who seemed like she'd even be an adequate wife.
 AirDisa
Joined: 6/19/2009
Msg: 26
Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/24/2009 10:28:55 AM
Thank you FunkyMonkey. I appreciated your response.
 mixermk
Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 27
Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/24/2009 10:36:51 AM
same here




well said
 grkboy
Joined: 3/20/2008
Msg: 29
Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/24/2009 2:21:05 PM

So, could I get any ideas as to how to approach the subject without causing them to run?


Simple. You don't bring it up in the initial dating. You should wait a while before even talking about things like "what do you want in the long term?"

Too many marriage-minded women make the mistake of somehow thinking that finding a husband should be a short quick deal. They want to meet someone, date for 9-12 months, and then get engaged with a marriage to come 1-12 months later. Many more then want a short "married couple" period (a few months) and then get immediately into having kids.

To some women, this sounds reasonable. To most guys, this is utterly scary. We don't operate like that, and with the current climate of marriage, divorce, and favoritism of women in divorce laws, you're not going to see a lot of men who will quickly get on the subject.

Does that mean we don't want to marry? No.

Does that mean we want to talk about the possibility of marriage down the road on the second or third date? No.

I have a few female friends who think I should marry my GF of 10 months. She's about to go to SF for dental school and we'll be doing a LDR for four years. They feel if I don't do it now, she might lose interest and break up with me over the years. I feel that I'm not going to rush down the aisle and then be away from my spouse for four years. If she does lose interest and leaves...then so be it. My female friends can't believe my attitude, even though my GF is nowhere near ready to get married.

I'm sorry to tell the women out there, but there isn't a quick thing that will make you see if he wants marriage down the road or not. You have to take chances and maybe a month or two into the RL you talk to him about what he wants in his life. Make sure he knows you're not putting pressure, but you want to know if he wants to marry at some point of his life or remain single.

I will remain single for life before I rush into a marriage. That says how seriously I take the sacrament. If I end up alone, then so be it. Otherwise the women who get involved with me have to deal with my way of doing things since it is my life. If a woman is on a time constraint to marry and have kids before a certain age, then that's her problem.
 AirDisa
Joined: 6/19/2009
Msg: 31
Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/25/2009 6:32:41 AM
I write 'independent' in my own profile. It means more than independent from a parter. It means I can think for myself and not just repeat what others expect me to say and do. It means I'm not going to be a parrot for your own musings but rather, that I would have my own creative thinking which should excite a suitor for me. I'm creative. I'm smart. I'm independent. A veritable treasure trove of thought behind blue eyes.

If you assume the use of the word 'independent' means that a woman is ready to flee marriage at the first sign of trouble, as you have essentially pointed out here, you should beware not to generate your own forgone conclusion. That's true even if in response, you recite that it already happened to you, that you are just expecting it again. What you bring is what you have in relationship. Is that what you intend to bring? I hope this helps you to reconsider marriage if you fall utterly in love with someone independent. Scary. Worth it.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 32
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Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/25/2009 7:09:21 AM
I am really interested in marriage (and relationships in general), but mainly from a social, anthropological, psychological perspective these days. I'd consider the actuality of it for myself with the right woman.



If people actually got married for love then divorce would not exist.


Not so. Love is not enough, and love can fade if the underlying compatibility and commitment do not exist or do not last.
 AirDisa
Joined: 6/19/2009
Msg: 33
Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/25/2009 2:45:38 PM
Well, I'm independent. I hope that helps clarify my attitude. If you're speaking purely as a US Citizen, then the state views marriage as a contract, not a business deal. Those are distinct. A contract between individuals is what a vow is. When you get married, you make those vows and the state recognizes it as a contract between individuals and gives each partner certain new rights regarding the other, for care when incapacitated etc. If you fall utterly in love with someone, you want these things. Otherwise, you're lovers without rights.
 grkboy
Joined: 3/20/2008
Msg: 36
Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/26/2009 5:41:43 AM

If you're serious about getting married within the next two years, you're on the wrong website. POF is pretty casual.


I'd agree here too. I am not knocking POF, but I'd tell anyone that you shouldn't make POF your primary means of meeting someone online if you're serious. Had many tell me that those who shell out money per month for a profile on another site are the more serious ones. That anyone can make a free profile, but serious ones will pay money.

My suggestion is the same...join a pay site on top of this one, or if you're getting a lot of dates here then just hold off on the marriage/future plans talk until things are more comfortable/intimate.

I also wonder if putting a statement in the profile would help some? Like you say you would love to find Mr Right, fall in love, get married, and have a family. Toss in that you're not expecting it quickly, but you would like to find that in life. I'm sure some of the non-commitment guys would steer clear.
 tbuddha
Joined: 2/28/2005
Msg: 38
Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/26/2009 7:01:39 AM
^^^^well said.

This reminds me of the "Are US men obsolete?" thread a while back. Seems women need us a whole lot more than we need them.
 stunt groom
Joined: 5/28/2009
Msg: 41
Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/26/2009 7:40:08 PM
Marriage (in the U.S) is a contract between a man and a woman and the government. If things go bad, the gumment will be on her side. I doubt many women would take that bet if the shoe were on the other foot..

OTOH .. One can set things up to benefit their SO, should something happen , if they are in a LTcommited relationship. So, the piece of paper is really not needed unless she's in it to win it.. In fact, I have customers who divorce and stay together to get the extra benefits that come with being single.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 42
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Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/26/2009 8:39:35 PM
My goal is to eventually find someone to share my life with, someone who is the right person for me and vice versa. Whether or not that includes getting married, we'll have to see. I'm not opposed to it, but the emphasis isn't on getting married for the sake of marriage, its on meeting that person I want to spend my life with and establishing a lasting relationship. Having married the wrong women twice, I know how important it is not to do that again!
 tbuddha
Joined: 2/28/2005
Msg: 44
Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/27/2009 2:39:08 PM
This thread begs the question: What would be in it for me?

I don't think any of the women on here have anything to really offer me.
 stunt groom
Joined: 5/28/2009
Msg: 45
Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/27/2009 2:48:46 PM

Blaugh..in most instances you are correct, but there are a lot of women over 40 that aren't nasty, that are in great shape and who are really fun! I think you have a lousy attitude. Have any of these men looked in the mirror? There are MANY men over 40 that are sagging, can't make body parts work or who aren't fun...not to mention balding and with beer guts. I know young women whose boobs sag more than mine do and who have cellulite.

It's an individual thing. In my opinion, I don't see how a 48 year old MAN OR WOMAN...would have a lot in common with someone that much younger with them..other than Sex.


Blah..blah..blah.. Tell it to Paul McCartney and all the rich american men like Trump and Johnnie Carson etc. etc. etc... see if 'they' say I'm wrong. Marriage is anothe form of prostitution in america and westernized countries. Just because you didn't get tagged doesn't mean squat. If you don't have anything ..they won't waste their time in court..
 RoundedRooster
Joined: 11/24/2005
Msg: 46
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Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/28/2009 2:17:22 AM
"The problem is, most guys seem to try to pretend that they are interested in this and then just keep on seeing a female for 2 or 3 years then suddenly say it is not working out."

Maybe it wasn't working out? I wouldn't place the onus mostly on the men! Have you reflected upon all these relationships to find a similar theme for them breaking up? I would wonder and then reflect upon them. How else can you improve yourself if you do not know your weaknesses? If I was in a two year relationship and broke up with a woman, there would be good reason, I'm not happy. I wouldn't want to marry someone I'm not happy with. Would you?
 Bakapuma
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 47
Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/28/2009 8:11:56 PM
I for one am a person that is on this site to find a partner. I have been single for over two years and it sux!! If I meet the person that I feel is the one, then I do want to get married. You see I have been married before and it sanked. Sanked while I was still trying to bailout the water. I feel that people are afraid of commitment regardless if it is marriage or buying a car. People can also get set in there ways or like in my situation, had a great deal of heart break to work out. I feel that I would like to remarry someday, but after the long nasty divorce, I am alot more cautious than before. If you drop the M bomb to soon, you may scare off someone who may be looking for the same thing. Be patient, give it time and as Shakespear said "it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all."
 tbuddha
Joined: 2/28/2005
Msg: 51
Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/29/2009 9:09:24 AM
No they are not. They are interested in seeing how much p*ssy they can get. Not just on here, anywhere, especially dating sites. Perceived anonymity, plain and simple.


ruffian-

I read some of your posts. Hate to tell you this, but do you realize women are just out there looking for sex too? You make it sound like all women are looking for long term, when that couldn't be further from the truth. In fact, I would say more men are ready for long term than women are. Women just think they want a relationship but they can never stay in one cause they think it's supposed to stay all exciting like the early infatuation all the time. When the passion fades they always move on.
 astock
Joined: 6/25/2009
Msg: 52
Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/29/2009 10:25:08 AM
OP while the numbers may be dwindling there are still plenty of men wanting to get married. as for the comments i have read by other posters. about divorce and such
<div class="quote">But if marriage is even brought up during the early stages (like if you're still speaking through POF... at all) then only the severely deficient wouldn't run like hell. this is not entirely true, as you said in your comment you have obviously grown up a little jaded.



<div class="quote">It's pretty stupid for any guy to marry a woman with kids at your age, especially one who doesn't indicate she wants more kids. Most guys who will want to get married will want to have kids, and most guys won't raise someone Else's kids period. Plenty of younger and freer options abound with lower opportunity cost.

now that's just plain stupid, i have no problems raising another mans kids, it takes sperm to be a father but a real man to be a dad, which apparently the read dads are growing fewer and fewer in numbers.


<div class="quote">I don't know why others on this site seem to think this is bad. Marriage is a good thing if you are really want to be married.

Right on OP


<div class="quote">Too many marriage-minded women make the mistake of somehow thinking that finding a husband should be a short quick deal. They want to meet someone, date for 9-12 months, and then get engaged with a marriage to come 1-12 months later. Many more then want a short "married couple" period (a few months) and then get immediately into having kids.
um yeah thats kinda how marriage works. my parents have been married 43 years now, they dated for a 8 months, engaged for a year and been married ever since. it's not that unusual
 RoundedRooster
Joined: 11/24/2005
Msg: 53
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Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/29/2009 6:47:10 PM
youngsnowbird... Does this woman understand what she wrote you? She contradicts herself! She mentions the only thing an older/younger relationship has is sex. But, she makes fun of older men that "can't make body parts work"! I don't think this woman is very intelligent, there are some good reasons a man will date a younger woman, children and less negativity towards men and relationships to begin. She's too negative, probably the real reason no man wants to keep dating her! It's funny how a negative woman like her says it's not about the sex then makes fun of men who are having sexual difficulty. What if she was having difficulty, should we laugh at her and point out her sexual flaws? She should be better than that. I don't have a problem dating women my age or older, but I wouldn't date someone like her that is so negative. I have had girlfriends that were much older or much younger than myself and about the same age. I don't see much difference and I wouldn't want to limit myself, I might miss someone really wonderful if I do. The point is to be happy, not conform to someone's ideology!
 Lineitup
Joined: 3/25/2006
Msg: 54
Are men on here really interested in marriage
Posted: 6/29/2009 7:21:28 PM
Well, I feel like the reason why everyone is up in arms about what marriage is about is because this isn't the 50's anymore nor the loving 60's. Society as a whole is degenerating and so is parenting and the resulting kids. Christianity is in a decline. Marriage originated from it or at least I thought. But I bet a big chunk of at least one of the parties in divorce aren't all that into church, etc.

My interpretation of marriage was meant to symbolize two people joining into one. But most people these days are selfish and only care about what they want, not so much the desires of their spouse. If we stopped worrying about our own wants so much and comunicate better when our needs aren't being met (which the other party should definitely listen to, its part of being a spouse after all). Isn't that what marriage is all about, having someone care for you and you for him/her, two people into one?

Obviously too many people's minds are worlds apart to EVER become one. No wonder divorce rate is so high.
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