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 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 3
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Choosy MomPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
i'm so sorry that your daughter had to go through that, how sad. I hope you are getting counseling for her.

with that said, i think you should focus on yourself, what would make you happy, set some goals to find out what you want in yourself, in a man, in a relationship. After all you just got out of a marriage. plus, your daughter needs that distance from another man til she can heal some wounds of her own.

When you are ready to date, a lot will suggest to date without getting your child involved til you see the relationship going long term. It's just a way to make sure that the relationship will work out and to provide consistently and stability with your child without bringing a guy in/out of her life. Due to your daughter's history, i would avoid having them spend alone time. you should talk to your daughter about parts of body someone can't touch and what to say and such. you should also assure your daughter that it's ok for her to tell you what is wrong and if something happen that wasn't appropriate.
 Florida_Or_Bust
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 5
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Choosy Mom
Posted: 6/24/2009 9:45:53 PM
I am so sorry your daughter had to be in that situation but very proud of you for getting her out of it!

I agree you need to trust your gut and take things slow. Make sure you have time to get to know someone. Once you introduce your daughter to a bf... I would pay attention to her reaction...not just what she says but what she doesn't say.

I know there are a lot of creeps out there but there are a lot of nice guys too. Make sure they know what she has been through so they can be aware and be extra respectful.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 6
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Choosy Mom
Posted: 6/24/2009 11:15:10 PM
But the problemis that these sick perverts are either family members/close friends,so it has to reach a certain point of trust that they can get away with it. It's really sad that we have to educate our kids at such a young age that certain places are not to be touched and so forth. And you can't trust your insticts,because if a child's father can do this to their own child, then it's really truly sad and shocking that anyone can do this.

Op,perhaps there are books to help talk to yoru child about this and help you recognize signals/signs of someone being a predator?

but again i stress out the focus should be on how to heal her wounds before it gets tot he point, when she's a teenager she'll feel it's okto be phsyically/sexually abused by someone. You may not know how long this has been occuring, and to the point where your daughter feels this is normal behavior to do so.
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 8
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Choosy Mom
Posted: 6/25/2009 3:51:25 AM
"I have been told that pedophiles target women with children" Pedophiles go were the kids go church, school, boy scouts, sports teams the list is long and not limited to men (women do it to) or people you might date. Teaching kids is the most important thing you can do.

In addtion to that Avoid dating any one named Rapy Mic rape-a-lot or Father Mic Sodomy. If it was that easy, fact is church leaders and the like are often the ones doing these things, but they don't do it to a kid that knows how to say no way! Other then that kids that young do not need to be left alone with any one you do not have full trust in.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 9
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Choosy Mom
Posted: 6/25/2009 8:14:55 AM
Stop trying to 'match' your family. YOU are dating, not them.
Keep your new male friends away from your kids especially that 4 year old till you have gotten some serious family therapy. You are barely out of a horrifying family experience and can't wait to put your dancing shoes on again? Get real lady.
I'd put dating on the back burner for a few years that little girl needs you..
 bernta
Joined: 9/3/2007
Msg: 10
Choosy Mom
Posted: 6/25/2009 1:19:51 PM
You know, OP, almost everyone here has told you to "trust your gut" when picking a new partner. The problem with that is that when your trust has been broken so completely, (mine was too but in a totally different way) your "gut" reacts to everything! It's not a matter of trusting another person, it's a matter of trusting your own judgement because "if I missed it once...it could happen again."

I found the only thing that worked for me was the old standby, TIME. With each person that I, for lack of a better term, "evaluated" and was right about, I gained more confidence in my judgement. It really did take time, and practice but the effort has been worth it. I've learned to "trust my gut" again.

Of course, in my case, I was only putting my heart on the line. You have a much more precious comodity to protect in your daughter. Please, please, take your time. Seperate your daughter from your dating life until you are absolutely confident in your judgement once again. Best of luck to you!!
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 13
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Choosy Mom
Posted: 6/25/2009 5:25:10 PM
She has not been traumatized by this? Get a new councilor. There are women on here that are in their 50's that relive it every day of their lives. Having the most important man in your life betray you and abuse you like that does not get swept under the carpet. She may seem fine now but you need to watch her very closely.
Companionship? Turn to other women and stick to close family for now, your marriage sounds like a complete nightmare for all of you.
Your post WAS about dating and looking for a new man, I apologize if I somehow miss read that, you did not ask about finding new friends. Everyone deserves friends they can talk to, but you did specifically ask about 'matching' your family with a new guy.
 Addie64
Joined: 4/30/2009
Msg: 17
Choosy Mom
Posted: 6/27/2009 7:29:56 PM
I don't know who these counselors are or where they studied, but they are wrong. Your daughter may not behave as if truamatized but one day it will appear. I am 44 years old and I still remember the the trauma. I have managed to raise two happy and healthy children but I was paranoid. Everyone who wasn't my immediate family was a potential pedophile. I spoke to my kids from the time they were able to verbalize. I have been a single parent since I had my daughter and my son was 4 years old. They are 21 and 16 and Now I'm finally able to breathe a little easier. While I am in the market for a relationship/dating I still would not bring anyone around my children. My daughter will be going to college next year and I will probably need to be on xanax to handle that. How will I protect her? My son I still worry even though he is an adult and can take care of hisself.
I can't stress enough how wrong those E-fry people are. Not talking about this kind of trauma does not make it go away. I would most definitely find another counseling source for my child. I would also limit the people who have access to my child.
 zephyrmoon
Joined: 5/30/2009
Msg: 21
Choosy Mom
Posted: 6/28/2009 12:16:28 AM
Yes, you are justified in your fears because you've just lived through this horrible experience.

My advice is to think back when you first met this man (your ex). What did he say or do to woo you, to get you to let your guard down? Did he seem "too good to be true"? Did he seem to always "say the right thing"? Did he push to get too serious too fast? How did you react?

Trust your instincts. If a man is too curious about your children, let that little warning bell go off. If he pushes to meet them too soon, or says he wants to be a daddy to them right away, consider slowing things down. In fact, anything you just plain don't feel comfortable with, stop. You're the mom, you get to say, and you have every right to protect your children.

A lot of people wait until they're very sure a relationship is getting serious before even allowing the new person to meet their kids. I'm talking six months to a year.

Proceed with caution. But also try to remember not to blame every man for what that one man did to you and your child.
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