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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Is trust dead?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Mr Bain
Joined: 12/6/2004
Msg: 2
Is trust dead?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I'll back you up on this subject.

It's happened many times to me. Women will sometimes regard a man's kindness as a debt paid for a boyfriend who did them wrong- not a compliment.

P.S.- you're not alone.
 Monty0791
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 6
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Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:08:57 AM
Its not just the ladies.I been burned pretty bad a few times.I try to give everyone new a chance.Its always in the back of your mind.
 WalkingInLondon
Joined: 2/21/2005
Msg: 18
Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 4:05:32 AM
I am a trusting person, because I myself believe in fidelity and honesty. If the person I am dating starts throwing up red flags or showing me signs that they are being dishonest, I call them out on it immediately. I don't beat around the bush, I ask for the truth immediately, I am too old to be pulled into drama and insecurity about a relationship. If the man I am with is not happy with me, then he needs to move on. I do not have the time or the energy for a man who is not trustworthy.
Thank God I have a good man I can trust and who trusts me. I will never give him reason not to trust me, and I pray he never does anything to cause me to distrust him.
We are honest with one another, communication is the key to a great relationship.
Beth
 tbuddha
Joined: 2/28/2005
Msg: 21
Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 5:47:20 AM
Yes, and women killed it.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 32
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Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 8:38:47 AM

It follows then that trust is first given, not earned. To know how much to first give, that's wisdom.

Excellent point within a great post X-file - one that expands on Landra's "Trust should not be given instantly but must be earned."

Trust is ALWAYS given (even by those who believe it must be earned). The thing I ask people who are in the "trust is earned" camp is this: what type of evidence and actions are you specifically looking for, and over what time, before you will make the decision to give that person your trust? What I have found is most haven't thought it through. What that means is they are demanding another person live up to a set of criteria that neither one has defined nor can express. << That is an impossible way to live life because it has it organized to fail and pretty much is guaranteed to fail (there might be some who manage to blunder their way through the maze, but I figure that is more luck than anything). Plus, when looking for evidence, sometimes we find what we are looking for... the vigilance some bring to searching for evidence that the other is untrustworthy doesn't allow for much open discovery of who people are... taking into account that we are all a collection of (so-called) good and bad attributes.

Who we are is shaped by our experiences and the decisions we have made about ourselves and the gap between "the way life works " and how we think "the way life should work". It is true some may be projecting their own untrustworthiness, but there is another consideration some posters have neglected to mention with this: if life has consistently occurred bad, then what people trust is that it will always occur bad in the future. Projection in this case is not that they will DO the behaviours themselves; what they project is the certainty that others will consistently show these behaviours.
 varinia
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 37
Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 9:27:46 AM
I don't think it's necessarily a black or white issue.

Just as there are different levels of trust there are also different levels of issues that may receive different levels of trust from the other person.

If someone suggests for us to meet at restaurant xyz at a certain time and date, then I'll trust that he'll be there. If he were to say to meet him at the airport, because we'll take his learjet for dinner to Paris, then I wouldn't trust him. But if I've known him for a while and his history has proven that he's capable of doing it, then he's earned my trust to believe it.

Then there're different character traits that change trust levels. Let's say someone was involved with a person that constantly changed their mind. They were completely sincere when they said certain things, but later something else/more interesting came up and they changed their mind. So, the other person did trust their instincts and felt that the other person was trust worthy and believable, because they absolutely meant it at the time, and now they didn't.

I believe trust is earned, but I think there's a neutral ground in there that I like to meet people on. I take them on their word, but that doesn't mean that I'm gullible and would believe everything. So, my full trust isn't given. But in the meantime until there's a track record, I trust my intuition to show me when there're red flags and take each person as they come.
 Jazmine376
Joined: 6/20/2009
Msg: 39
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Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:00:15 PM
I'm sure there are lots of guys..and ladies..who end up paying the price for someone's past relationship crimes. Personally, I have some pretty big trust issues, courtesy of my last two long-term relationships, where I was cheated on and lied to. But even though I've been burned, I still give people the benefit of the doubt that they're honest and trustworthy until they give me a reason not to. I am just on the lookout for signs now, where I never was before. I prefer to remain hopeful that there are still guys who are honest and faithful. Funny thing is, both of those guys who cheated and lied to me were HUGELY jealous and always accusing me of cheating on them..when I've never, ever cheated on anyone in my life. I guess it's true that those who accuse are usually the ones doing the cheating.
 miska1
Joined: 9/16/2008
Msg: 53
Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/27/2009 7:45:20 AM
I don't think trust is dead over all. But I think the actions of some have caused trust issues. I tend to trust people up front, till they prove otherwise. I do not always trust my own judgement at times, because I have chosen to ignore my own common sense and have been burned. I do tend to be a skeptic though, but doubt can be changed to belief overtime.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 54
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Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/27/2009 8:01:02 AM
I don't think that trust is dead, some women easily believe men not checking their real character that causes their bad experiences. I give the benefit of doubt if a man will tell me he is so good ,kind ,loving ,honest ,decent.. Talk is cheap and I will be the judge of his deed if he is really what he claimed he is..

 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 55
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Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/27/2009 8:01:20 AM
Trust is only dead by those that decide to kill it; depends on the person. Some people have trust issues because they are drama queens/kings and their issues come from not wanting to hurt again. If someone cheated on them, they become paranoid that they will miss the signs so they start looking for them and will find them whether they are there or not.

Much in the way of lack of trust is related to a person's self-esteem, they do not love themselves and consequently do not believe anyone else could love them enough to treat them decently.

Until they decide to work on themselves, every man or woman they encounter will be viewed with suspicion, which is very hurtful to the trustworthy person. To me, I give someone a modicum of trust from the get go and if they illustrate that they are trustworthy this grows over time.

If someone has trust issues I would tend to avoid them because I don't want to become part of their learning curve. If someone recognizes that they have an issue, that it is their issue and not the people they don't trust, I might consider getting involved but would probably cut and run pretty quickly if I found myself explaining or justifying this that should not even require discussion.


My take on that is "trust, but verify." In general I give people the benefit of the doubt, but I've been lied to just like every other person on an online dating site and you have to be savvy enough to feel that out. Experience is the best teacher.

Sometimes I think this site should be called "Plenty of Liars" but I have met some really wonderful people through this site as well. You just have to get to know people over time and use your common sense and your instincts.

Pretty good and healthy policy, from someone that obviously considers each individual on their own merits instead of becoming bitter and generalizing from a few bad experiences.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 57
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Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/27/2009 8:09:20 AM

No, I don't think so. I give trust in relationships as in life in general. I'm scrupulously honest in what I am looking for. You get my trust until you prove you're not worthy of it.

Sure, that has led to some dissapointments in my life, but I believe in a large part you get what you expect. If you give your trust freely, a person is more likely to respond in kind.

Not terribly long ago I had a conversation with my daughter that was kind of interesting. She like most kids, isn't jazzed when someone, friend or someone I am dating, hurts mom. On the one hand, she thinks I trust people too much, my benefit of the doubt is perhaps a bit too wide and most get a second, probably third chance with me to make things right. Conversely, her father trusts no one and is highly pessimistic and cynical, although he is fair, he pretty much hates everyone on the planet.

When I said, I knew this was not the best relationship to get into, newly divorced, yada, yada, she told me that she would rather I stay the way I am and get hurt sometimes than be like her dad, not really living life, having no friends, etc. She even told me it is a good thing I give people chances although she is less likely to give more than one, lmao.

I'm no Pollyanna but I hope that my kids do a better job of balancing being able to trust with perhaps a bit more skepticism than I apply.
 VivaciousVixen2010
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 62
Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/27/2009 1:11:22 PM
i am told that i am really naive. even though i have been burned major time, i will trust a person if i feel that i can. if i find out that they are lying to me, i can become very vicious. simply, because i get so deeply hurt by their betrayl of that trust.

i may not like something, but be honest with me, and let me make the decision from there. BE FAIR!!!!!! do feed me lines of schit or go behind my back. It is like PLEASE
I am not a Fuchking moron!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 miska1
Joined: 9/16/2008
Msg: 63
Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/27/2009 1:31:37 PM
ok on the skeptic part, when someone I meet for the first time keeps saying "trust me" after several statements or what not, it gives me the ole eye brow raised feeling.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 67
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Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/28/2009 4:31:49 AM
^^^^^Bitter much?
 19justice78
Joined: 7/23/2008
Msg: 70
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Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/28/2009 5:33:30 AM
"I was burned in my last relationship, but I don't for one moment believe that every woman I meet is just like my ex."

You restore my faith in humanity.
 astock
Joined: 6/25/2009
Msg: 71
Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/28/2009 9:59:02 AM
no i do not believe for a second that trust is dead, the way i am and the way i was raised i trust everyone 100% from the gate. i'm not dumb enough to hold the actions of my previous relationships against anyone i meet in the future
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 79
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Is trust dead?
Posted: 6/30/2009 8:55:43 AM
God knows I have been through alot of bad relationships. Do I have trust issues? I really dont think so. Every relationship starts with a clean slate. Then we add the good and bad, hopefully leading to something positive. Its when the negative side is higher that the issues develop, or for me, that I call off the relationship. I have a pet peeve about being lied to. My first husband was an habitual liar. Even over stupid things, he didnt need to lie about. He lied to everyone. I have, over time, developed a severe aversion to being lied to, about anything. Sometimes, things happen and people cant live up to a committment they have made, that is one thing, but over and over, and catching them in a direct lie----"no, I havent been drinking" then a few minutes later admitting to having 8 drinks, and being out on the highway. If they lie to you about one thing, how can you know they are being truthful about anything? The last guy I dated for 6 months. In the beginning, my sisters thought he was perfect, has his own business, his own home, loved to cook, seemed to be devoted to me, even his children and his parents, liked me and shared their goals with me. within a month, I heard a lie. But I didnt realize it till later. He lied all the time, I found out. My #1 rule is, if I cant trust you, I dont want to be around you. My 2nd rule is not being around anyone who does anything illegal. He knew that straight away, yet still is clueless as to why we are no longer together, or at least that is what he tells people. Turns out his drinking was so bad, he had to have a breathalyzer put on his car. He outsmarted that, by buying a truck, and drove it most of the time.
 UnzippedPassion
Joined: 10/30/2005
Msg: 82
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Is trust dead?
Posted: 7/2/2009 6:43:30 AM
Trust is a very important part of all relationships. When I'm involved with someone I need to trust them completely in order to give of myself the way I feel is necessary in order for the relationship to go the farthest it can. I don't believe a relationship can survive without it. Therefore I try to show that trust in every way I can so they know without a doubt that the trust is there. However, IF that trust is damaged it would be a loooonnnnng time before I'd be able to trust them again, if ever.

In return I expect the same kind of trust and find THAT necessary for the relationship to exceed as well. Without feeling that I'm trusted completely it would hold me back from various parts of the relationship beginning with delicate conversations I may need to have or giving myself completely in a way that I know is going to be recipricated. They may not even realize that something's missing but I do and know myself and that I'm capable of more things when I feel that I'm trusted which in turn makes me happy. If I'm not happy, and upset from any type of feeling, it's going to take away from something even if it's hidden.

I know people who SAY they trust but when it comes time to proving it they fall short. It may be something so easy and trivial for them but very meaningful to the other person and yet they just don't get it or the damage they're doing by not giving the trust that person deserves. They'll come up with all kinds of excuses, non rational, and certainly none worth making the other person feel like they do. It's almost ridiculous that they'd make the choice they do and hurt the very person they claim to love and trust. I seriously believe they just don't understand. If you love and trust you do it completely or you don't really trust at all. It's that simple. Either someone has your trust or they don't. There's no halfway trusts....
Sometimes I think it stems from past relationships where other partners deceived them in various ways therefore causing them to lose trust or making it harder to trust again. But when it comes to someone new like me for example, I'm not their past partners, I'm ME, someone new and very trustworthy who will give to them in the way that I want to be trusted back. I also think that they don't realize the damage they're doing by carrying past feelings forward instead of starting with a clean slate. It's like saying "I love you BUT"........................... which takes something away.

I can say.....I love them BUT......I need to be trusted the same way that I trust them in order to be happy and give in a way they'll totally benefit from. Trust this, when we're happy and content we're able to achieve much higher goals!
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 83
Is trust dead?
Posted: 7/2/2009 8:24:56 AM
I personally believe that trust is alive and well. In the one side one thing is to be naive and the other is to trust. Sometimes you just have to jump and trust your the people around you. But you start by giving it and only then will you then start receiving it. What you will find out is that even when something bad seems to happen, giving the other person the benefit of the doubt, you will find out that the person was not acting out of malice, but that simple they made a reasonable mistake and are willing to go out of their way to correct it.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 88
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Is trust dead?
Posted: 7/2/2009 9:23:14 AM
Trust is actually our relationship with ourselves.

People who have difficulty trusting are trying to find a way to control their lives – or have a sense of control in the risky business of life and love. Most of us can see that the only person you can ever possibly control is yourself.

Likewise, trust starts from within – it really is about learning to accept and trust yourself. Learning to trust that whatever happens you will be able to handle it; that you are good enough. Even if someone lets you down, that you will be able to rise to the challenge and you will be ok.

Saying you can’t or won’t trust someone – or trying to keep them at a safe enough distance so they can’t effect you – is the same thing as saying you believe they have more power than you do, and more power over yourself than you do. There is no way to prevent bad things or disappointing things from happening in life – but we CAN develop the internal strength to face them.

There will always be risks in life… none of us are getting out alive. So it seems to be to be a choice in how we want to spend this time. Life is not about reducing Risk; it is about who we are in the face of the Risk that Life is.

My favourite Hellen Keller quote: “Security is an illusion, it does not exist in nature. Life is either a daring adventure or it is nothing at all.”
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