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 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 2
When should the woman offer to pay?Page 1 of 35    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35)
I think it depends. I had a boyfriend years ago that flat out refused to let me pay for anything for the first 6 months of us being together. He wouldn't let me buy him a cup of coffee, or pay for a DVD rental...nothing. He wouldn't even let me pay for him on his own birthday...
 .Selena.
Joined: 9/3/2007
Msg: 5
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 11:55:11 AM

I think it depends. I had a boyfriend years ago that flat out refused to let me pay for anything for the first 6 months of us being together. He wouldn't let me buy him a cup of coffee, or pay for a DVD rental...nothing. He wouldn't even let me pay for him on his own birthday...


I dated a guy exactly like this a few years ago. I tried, in vain, to pay for things but he refused every single time. Wouldn't even let me pay for pizza or a simple DVD rental. It was also the same with his birthday. We broke up before then, but a couple months prior I'd been talking about what I wanted to do for him and he said if we go anywhere, he's paying. He wasn't all macho about it, he was just.. I don't know, he acted like it was unheard of for a woman to pay, it was second nature to him, and that it was the gentlemanly thing to do. I didn't necessarily agree, but he was so sweet and I thanked him every time and never took it for granted.
You're in Jersey, and he is around your age - maybe it's the same guy lol.
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 7
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:18:18 PM

You're in Jersey, and he is around your age - maybe it's the same guy lol.


LOL - wouldn't that be funny?
 902dwayne
Joined: 6/5/2009
Msg: 8
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When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:20:50 PM
i think it would be super cool of the girl to pay for a date, every other time! becuase this way the girl gets to choose what she wants to do on the date. This allows the guy to take notice what she likes to do on a date. this way us guys can switch the dates up on the girls. so we dont become the guy who takes me on boring dates!

also i think when a guy wants to pay for everything, they dont feel confident about themelf. so they then have to show you how much money they have to impress you. i think that if u can allow the girl to pay for the date then it shows that u respect the girl and u want to be around her.

Cheers MAXIMUS902
 .Selena.
Joined: 9/3/2007
Msg: 9
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:21:53 PM


LOL - wouldn't that be funny?


If your guy lives in the same city as I do, we might be on to something here..
 902dwayne
Joined: 6/5/2009
Msg: 10
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When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:29:14 PM
** so we dont become the guy " who takes girls on boring dates" sorry for the typo enjoy let me know what u think!

Cheers MAXIMUS902
 e*Musing
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 11
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:41:30 PM
Gawd...another guy that simply has never learned that his role is to be the leader in a relationship.

OK Skippy, here's the easy formula...

READY??? Now write this down...

1. If you ask her out...YOU PAY.

2. If she asks you out...SHE PAYS.

3. If you can't afford to pay, don't ask her out. Quit dating.




PS: Dates don't have to cost to be fun...especially first dates. I've been on over 100 first dates and my typical cost is $5 - $8...if that...and almost universally their feedback was "Wow, what a great first date" (maybe 2/100 didn't volunteer something like that). Dating is easy and fun if you just learn to focus on having fun.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 12
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:47:17 PM
She can offer to pay the check any time, so long as she doesn't expect me to put out.
 e*Musing
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 15
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 2:07:26 PM

I KNOW what MY role is in a relationship. I've been playing captain, general, leader, whatever word that fits since day one. But dating is NOT a relationship.

Somehow...I don't think so. Dating is the first step in developing a relationship. And a first date should set the tone...and it's not about "playing" those roles, that's what jerks do...it's about being that role, that's what men do.

Every moment...from the first 'hello', till whenever it's over, you are painting the mural of how your potential relationship will unfold. Yep...weakazzed guys will let girls call all the shots...and the girls will get like it at first...but after a while, you will become the guy they abhor because you're not the obviously comfortable and confident male who they hoped and fantasized about meeting.


Furthermore, I would like to know what kind of "date" your going on for as you said "$5-$8 dollars". You must be one cheap boogger. Unless your springing for a "suitcase" of White Castle kangaroo burgers , you aren't do much more than coffee and leaving a tip for 5 to 8 dollars.

Yes...I have jokingly said on numerous occasions that I am the "Master of the Cheap First Date". When you take the attitude that dates need to cost money, you are painting the background of the mural. You took her out for a combined $100 dinner and drinks...spent 2 hours over food...was interrupted several times by servers...and the whole time she's thinking "I hope he doesn't expect he's getting laid just because he sprung for dinner"...and afterward you're thinking "What can I do to make it better next time?"

OK...here's a clue...dates don't have to be dinner and/or drinks...or coffee bars...or whatever.
Here's the bigger clue...GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN. Sitting praying for two hours you don't have something amiss while you pass the interview questions isn't it.

My typical first date...first off...spontaneous...while we may have tentatively agreed that we'd be interested in meeting...and may have even confirmed that Wed/Thu/Fri after work we were both free, I never set up anything until the day of...that eliminates anybody stressing for days ahead of time. I'll call in the morning if the day looks good for me...and if it works for her, great...if not, we push till later.

We'll meet somewhere that is reasonably good for walking and talking...outdoor shopping villages are good...malls are OK but only when the weather sucks. The goal is to meet, grab something to drink or an ice cream cone, then stroll around to the shops. Watch what catches her eye...lead her into those stores...FIND OUT WHAT SHE LIKES. Talk about things and people that you see TOGETHER...generate some shared energy stuff...neither of you know each other well enough to care much about the real history of the decades of life stuff that has happened before. Discover tastes (you're a Colonial type and she's a Modernist...might be a poor fit). Take her to places you like (no...not Victoria's Secret), but maybe a BOSE store or Z-Gallerie...IDK, you need to know your turf.

I don't talk...nor ask...about jobs, houses, cars, etc., until at least the 3rd date...and if they start it, I change the subject (pick up 4,000 Questions for Getting to Know Everything about Anyone). Ask questions about what she says...don't just act interested...be interested.

Look of IOI's...is she touching her hair a lot (when she doesn't need to), is she demuring her eye contact, when you touch hands does she let it linger, hold her hand or offer your arm while walking but don't be manic about it...let her hand go before she pulls it away when she needs both hands to look a purse in the new Coach store...walk away from her when you're in a shop and she's engrossed in something and find something interesting of your own...she'll find you quick if she's interested.

The key Key KEY thing is communication...that's two-way communication. Listen, think, respond. Be clear, be definitive.

And keep it short...a first date should be 30-60 minutes max...a lot less if right off there's no chemistry (just saved you a $100 dinner). And a fun thing to do if things are going great...as you're winding up that first hour together, turn to her and say "Hey, too bad this first date is ending...I've had a really great time"...and if she kinda looks bummed that it's ending you can follow up a moment later with "Want to go on a second date............like,,,,,,now?" And then you can lead her off to a cafe and get some drinks and an appetizer to split...you're not looking to get drunk or dine...just some more time to discover her.


Where I live it costs that much just to PARK the car...BEFORE we eat.

Yeah, sucks for you...I work in that neck of the woods occasionally...too much traffic, too many people, and everybody wants your money. But you can't tell me that you can't apply the above and have really great first dates for a few bucks. And BTW...I did go out with a few girls in the Morristown area when I was in NJ long term...same approach...and remember, to you it seems like a formula...to them it's the first time they've gone on a low pressure, fun first date.

And frankly, if you're not willing to put in the time figuring out this kinda stuff before you start dating, you're going to play the game like a pinball in a Pachinko machine...be a man, establish your presence, have fun.

 some woman
Joined: 5/16/2007
Msg: 17
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 3:21:34 PM

We're getting dangerously close to having this thread deleted and I'd really like to see what others have to say. I hope we can get a couple more votes to keep this thread.

You can always check out some of the other threads about this subject. Do a thread search. There are dozens of them.
 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 18
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When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 4:05:35 PM
OP - I'd say the first "meet & greet", if you initiate it, you ought to pay for it. I do recommend meeting over coffee. NOT drinks, not expensive meals. Remember, you may want a woman to offer to pay for a date, while other men don't want women too. We just can't seem to win.
 crispyandtender
Joined: 4/10/2007
Msg: 19
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 5:03:08 PM
I believe each person should pay his/her own way or take turns paying for things. The spirit of generosity should be evident in both people.
 ncessential
Joined: 8/23/2008
Msg: 20
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/25/2009 9:21:56 PM
When she is the one who asks the guy out. She should pay. Just like I assume when the guy asks me out,he will pay. Of course I always like to offer to pay for my share.
 CharmingGirl18
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 21
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/26/2009 6:42:06 AM
Hi-
I always offer on the initial date. Once I start dating, I would like it to become 50/50, if we earn about the same amount of money. If the guy earns twice as much as I do, then he can pay more often, or at the more expensive outings. If someone refuses to ever allow me to pay, I usually buy gifts for them.

On another note, I started to date a guy who took me to an expensive restaurant on our first meeting. I thought it was way too expensive for a first date/meeting. I did offer to pay, he refused. WE continued to date. I payed for some things. He earned 2 times as much as I did, but was paying alimony and child support. However he started to take advantage of me. Once we were in the grocery store, buying things for dinner (which I would have no problem paying for), he said he needed things for the house in general, and started shopping for things for his child (Whom I had yet to meet). While we were checking out, he was bagging the items and the cashier looked at me and said the amount. Guy had his credit card in his hand, did not make a move, I felt extremely uncomfortable, so pulled out some money and paid. We never ate what I bought, so I told him to freeze the items and we could cook them next time I was there. His response was "I am going to make them for "son" tomorrow". I was dumbfounded in a way. I do not mind paying my share, but I think it is not appropriate for someone to expect me to pay for his household groceries and his son's food. And before someone states I use his water, drink his liquids, etc when I am there, I know this. Which is why that particular time, I brought down 3 12 packs of soda and snacks that I like. I am very generous, but I also like to be treated. I have nothing to do with his alimony/child support/or the fact his ex refused to work and he had to pay for everything. I started to say to him, we should each pay for our own meals when we go out.
 Janet4ever
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 22
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/26/2009 7:05:13 AM
Most men I've been out with have insisted they pay. It's a very nice gesture and I appreciate it, but certainly not why I went out with them.

I get the impression it makes some men feel good to be generous. And if that's not you, then don't.
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 23
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When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/26/2009 7:09:47 AM
The first meet & greet, which I prefer to be coffee (not much of a drinker here, although I have done the drink at a bar)...I arrive early, purchase my drink, and there is no "who pays" discussion. After that - if we do anything that costs money, I always offer to pay my share - I find that if you push too hard you insult some men. If they refuse I offer to leave the tip, if it's a meal. If I invite someone somewhere, I am prepared to pay. I tend to enjoy "simple" things - sitting in the park, visiting with family or friends, a DVD...whatever...although a night "out" is great too - so actually it doesn't come up a lot with me.
 AllanS2009
Joined: 3/22/2009
Msg: 24
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/26/2009 7:33:29 AM
abelian - now there's an honest answer...had tears in my eyes from laughing!

I think it is nice for her to offer to pay and whether or not there is a second date, I always try to arrange our first meeting at one of my favorite restaurants so if the date is a bust, at least we both have enjoyed a good meal and good conversation. I am always a gentleman and respectful, even if she does have more hair on her face than me...I always pay.
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 26
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When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/26/2009 11:29:42 AM

When should the woman offer to pay?

Only when it's a sincere offer and not just some gesture which she thinks is expected of her at the same time she's expecting the guy to "overrule" (dismiss?) her and pay anyway.


the last girl I dated offered one time - not paid, but just OFFERED - once, in maybe 13 or 14 dates.

I think you cut her way too much slack if the issue was really all that important to you, unless you were just doing an experiment or something and building up sufficient statistics; I would have thought the trend was clear after about the 3rd or 5th date.
 Giggles4u-1
Joined: 3/21/2009
Msg: 33
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/27/2009 7:34:11 PM
Here are my 2 cents.

According to Emily Post (the most respected etiquette authority), the person who initiates date, has to pay including tip, unless alternate arrangement is made in advance.

Man more likely invites lady on a first date. So, he is recommended to pay including tip. The reason: men are being evaluated for their generosity and chivalry, generosity being one of three the most important qualities ladies looking in men. If man does not pay, he may not get second date. That is why I feel more comfortable to have coffee/drink type of first date, in a nice place. Remember “Sleepless in Seattle”?
I have dated a man who allowed me to pay tip for a dinner on a first date. It didn’t feel right. I suspected that he is not generous and he proved it on every subsequent date.

Second date and so on… I agree with Blondee: it’s the matter of balance.
I prefer to take turns to pay.
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 34
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When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/28/2009 9:15:40 AM

How cheap can one get.

As cheap as the average woman?
 astock
Joined: 6/25/2009
Msg: 36
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/28/2009 10:50:15 AM
OP absolutely not, it is not their responsibility to pay for anything when their on a date. it quite frankly is ours, as gentlemen we are born with the responsibility to pay, i know alot of you may not want to hear this but like it or not it is true
 DudeistPriest
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 37
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/28/2009 11:12:05 AM
I think who ever extends the invitation should be prepared to pay and the the invited party should be prepared to offer to chip in. That's not just for Dating either. If I say to one of my buddies, "lets go grab a beer.", I'm usually prepared to buy at least two rounds.

And now the Rant:

For all their talk of equality, women sure do like that free meal don't they. If we've already fed you six times, what's so cheap about thinking you might at least offer at some point? Or since we are talking "Traditions", why don't women invite us over to show us what good little homemakers they are anymore by serving us men a home cooked meal? Traditionaly, if the man pays doesn't he have the "right" to expect a little sumpin' sumpin' in return? Now there's a couple of grand traditions for you!What if we are talking about a homosexual couple, who pays then?
Traditions come and go with the wind.

[ astock, I'm revoking your man card and addind a second S to your name]
 cooldude
Joined: 4/26/2004
Msg: 38
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/29/2009 12:05:34 AM

A man told me this..."Being a well kept woman is costly they have to pay more for dry cleaning, nails, hair appointments, need a couple dozen pairs of shoes, waxing, stockings, makeup...hence men should pay for dinner."


That is the cost of a being a woman everyday, if she so desires, let alone just on dates. But that is a cost she must bear alone as do we all.
 roseyn
Joined: 5/25/2009
Msg: 40
When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 6/29/2009 12:36:35 AM
women generally are under the impression that the MAN IS THE ONE WHO PAYS
even a lot of men feel that way.

if i don't really know the person or there isn't a huge spark
or if im' NO LONGER interested in the person, I pay. no questions asked. and i try to pay quickly so they don't have the chance to object.

if i'm really feeling someone then i'll let them pay and if for some reason they hesitate and aren't on top of things then its a very uncomfortable feeling and a HUGE TURN OFF

i was in a relationship where the man payed for everything. from the very beginning of the relationship he was all about putting his money out there and paying for everything. even when i went out with my own money intending to pay for my OWN stuff. then it came to a point where he told me he was having financial problems and spoke to me about. from then on, i would pay for things when we went out i'd be the one buying things for HIM and honestly not having a problem with it cause i cared.and plus he used to pay for so many things for no reason so it evened out
all you have to do is talk to her about if and if she cares enough then she'll pay [if u have a good reason]
if u dont' have a ''good'' reason and you're reasoning is well i just think the woman should pay some times AFTER all those times of her not paying and her getting used to not paying then u might have a problem. depends on the woman
 BlueEyes1712
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 42
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When should the woman offer to pay?
Posted: 10/24/2009 8:30:45 PM
It doesnt bother me for a women to start paying after the second date, since it is economically unfeasable today to expect to foot the bill while both people are reaping the benefit of the time together. I feel like many women today equality means being equal in the work place and financially. I have no problem with women being equal on date responsabilities and welcome it. Plus you can do more things then being dependent on just the mans discretionary income
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