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Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Guy  > Will it change for the better?      Home login  
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 sweet_n_heart
Joined: 1/31/2007
Msg: 1
Will it change for the better?Page 1 of 1    
I been with my boyfriend for almost 2 months now. While with him, I discovered he smokes cigerettes,weed and has no job... which I don't like and he knows that. Yes, I know why am I still with him if I don't like it that much. Well, he is a good guy and treats me good but that only gets you so far, expecially with what i want in life.

He says he loves me and plans to quit the smoking cause well not only cause its bad to do but cause I don't and wants to stop out of respect. But, right now doesn't seem like he's wanting to make an effort to quit now.... my impression he won't try to quit til he has a job (who knows how long that will take because of this resession(sp?)) and well doesn't seem to making that much of an effort to get a job too. Why he needs a job first in order to finally start to quit smoking is beyond me.

I'm just twisting in so many ways, I don't know which way is up anymore. So, i'm wondering what I should do... other then give it alittle more time..

If there's anything else need to know to help me out here, then just let me know.
 jbking2
Joined: 1/22/2009
Msg: 2
Will it change for the better?
Posted: 6/25/2009 5:31:44 PM
My suggestion would be to consider helping him set goals that should be achievable as a way to show that he does want to make this relationship better. I'm not saying to have him become a millionaire overnight should be a goal, but how is he looking for a job? Does he have recruiters helping him? Does he know what kind of job would be a good fit for him? Just getting him to show what kind of work he is doing and helping him would be a start as what you want to know is if he is falling through on what he says he will do.
 oldskool67
Joined: 10/11/2007
Msg: 3
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History
Will it change for the better?
Posted: 6/25/2009 5:38:36 PM
direct answer to your question is yes, he is still young so there is time to change. If he had years and years of abuse then quitting will be a lot harder.

my question to you is......why do you seem to suffer from low self esteem? this is the best guy out there for you? he treats you well because he's probably stoned and in a daze half the time. you deserve better than this......so I think an ultimatum is needed here (much as I hate them, but this is a special situation).

weed only progresses to even harder stuff to maintain that high. if you think that is not true, then you are kidding yourself.

Good Luck
 somewhat_here
Joined: 11/8/2008
Msg: 4
Will it change for the better?
Posted: 6/25/2009 5:42:10 PM
Sounds to me like a moocher. Honestly, shouldn't the quitting be easier when you don't have a job? If he's unemployed, I can't see where there is any stress that would keep him hooked. Either way, drugs are a no-no and should be stopped or you should walk away.
 skyhawk53
Joined: 5/27/2009
Msg: 5
Will it change for the better?
Posted: 6/25/2009 6:20:40 PM
Well I think you are blinded a little bit because you like him and want him to be who you want him to be. He said hell quit when he gets a job becasue he doesnt plan on getting one anytime soon, otherwise hed be looking for one more. Also, if he did get a job, he would just find another excuse. Nothing personal, but I wouldnt hold my breath on him quitting. Once he gets a job do you really think hell quit smoking once he has an income to actually support and pay for his habit? Think about it.
 sweet_n_heart
Joined: 1/31/2007
Msg: 6
Will it change for the better?
Posted: 6/25/2009 6:27:46 PM
he lives on his own
 itsmillertime6227
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 7
Will it change for the better?
Posted: 6/25/2009 6:29:35 PM
Ok first...it's been 2 MONTHS. You two are not in LOVE. You two are still learning about each other...that's not even close to love.

Also after two months if you don't like the relationship then get out-- it will only get worse.

Ultimatums are stupid. They don't work. If he really wanted to quit smoking he would and it would have nothing to do with you. You have to want to quit smoking for yourself to stop the addiction.

Honestly, IMO, you and the rest of these people should get off your high horse about smoking. If you don't like it, don't be with him. If he wants to smoke, he can smoke. If he wants to risk cancer by smoking cigs and risk legal issues for smoking marijuana that's his issue, not yours. You can decide whether to be with him or not, not if he can smoke or not.

The biggest issues are that he doesn't have a job and that you are trying to change someone you're with. You should never try to change someone. If they do things you don't like this early on in the relationship then leave. There's plenty more guys out there. And I don't know his work history and what it's like in the area you live but getting a job is pretty tough right now.

Moral of the story--he should quit smoking and get a job for himself and his well-being, and you should find someone that you see fit to be with you.
 ThievesInThe Night
Joined: 9/17/2008
Msg: 8
Will it change for the better?
Posted: 6/25/2009 6:38:44 PM

I been with my boyfriend for almost 2 months now. While with him, I discovered he smokes cigerettes,weed and has no job... which I don't like and he knows that. Yes, I know why am I still with him if I don't like it that much. Well, he is a good guy and treats me good but that only gets you so far, expecially with what i want in life.

He says he loves me and plans to quit the smoking cause well not only cause its bad to do but cause I don't and wants to stop out of respect. But, right now doesn't seem like he's wanting to make an effort to quit now.... my impression he won't try to quit til he has a job (who knows how long that will take because of this resession(sp?)) and well doesn't seem to making that much of an effort to get a job too. Why he needs a job first in order to finally start to quit smoking is beyond me.

I'm just twisting in so many ways, I don't know which way is up anymore. So, i'm wondering what I should do... other then give it alittle more time..

If there's anything else need to know to help me out here, then just let me know.

If smoking and unemployment are deal breakers for you (which I assume they are since you are making this thread) why did you enter a relationship with him in the first place? There are plenty of good guys out here that don't smoke, are employed and would treat you well so basically rationalizing and making excuses for him.

Anyway, he's running game on you. He says he will stop smoking when he finds a job but isn't putting any effort to find a job, not to mention that quitting smoking and finding work are totally unrelated. Dude has no ambitious and is a slacker. Is that what you want?

The only reason I can see why you are with this guy is because you probably have low self esteem or think that you can't do any better.

As for what should you do, you need to leave this guy and find one that is nice to you, doesn't smoke and has a job.

You also need to remember is that you should not expect a man to change when you enter a relationship with him because he will not. Assume that he will stay the same and that whatever behavior he does that annoys when you first start dating him will be totally intolerable when you enter a relationship. Hence, if there is something about him that you don't like, make sure that it is minor and something that you can deal with.
 sweet_n_heart
Joined: 1/31/2007
Msg: 9
Will it change for the better?
Posted: 6/25/2009 7:29:48 PM
Ya, I don't know why I got into a relationship with him knowing that he smokes cigs and then weed and doesn't have a job. Not sure what I was thinking... but I do still like him for some reason. See i'm the type of person who doesn't give up that easily and well unfortunately that trait causes me to get more hurt or just be plain old stupid and stubborn. I can't help it on who I am.
 A-Pot-Of-Goodness
Joined: 6/7/2009
Msg: 10
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History
Will it change for the better?
Posted: 6/25/2009 10:15:58 PM
After two months he says he loves you, yet he won't drop smoking, or find a job, which wouldn't only benefit him, it would make his relationship with you better. Chances are although he says he loves you (which might be just to keep you) he's probably telling all his friends that your trying to control the way he acts... forcing him to get a job, stop smoking cigs, and going drugs... Like come on... You're being so mean, trying to hold him back from what is good for him.
 miska1
Joined: 9/16/2008
Msg: 11
Will it change for the better?
Posted: 6/26/2009 4:42:11 AM
You have expectations, he doesn't. I doubt it will work out. Sounds like he has no motivation.
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