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 AUTHOR
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 2
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casual sex or friends with benefitsPage 1 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
Nothing at all wrong with it if those are shared expectations up front.

I do maintain, though, that casual sex is more like "casualty sex" -- someone always gets hurt.
 TooShadows
Joined: 9/26/2008
Msg: 3
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casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 6/26/2009 6:11:45 AM
The old double standard at work. Nothing wrong with it,but some guys might criticize because it's not them you're having casual sex with. And of course those that aren't into casual sex always have to criticize as well.
 imhotek
Joined: 6/20/2009
Msg: 4
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casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 6/26/2009 6:54:58 AM
If you are judged by your friends then you need new friends. You live your life the way you want and don’t worry about what other people think. I never judge anyone and I don’t really care if people judge me. Be happy, that said…. You also need the right person, make sure you both understand what is going on.
 ~JustSimplyMe~
Joined: 8/18/2006
Msg: 6
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casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 6/26/2009 9:24:49 AM
who says there is anything wrong with it?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 7
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 6/26/2009 10:19:16 AM
Are you asking why men are ok to suggest this but get defensive or upset when it's suggested to them?

If that's what you mean - then I have one answer for you. Men hate to do anything they didn't come up with. It's an ego thing. I guess it's about dynamics for them - if yu agree then you don't have the upper hand, but if you suggest it you do. At least, that's been my experience or the experience of some of my female friends.

One of my friends is in a full blown relationship with a guy now who never wanted to get serious. She suggested they just have sex and stay single and date others - naturally he didn't like that because he felt it was too casual and suggested officially dating. When she wanted to date he didn't know what he wanted. Go figure.

If you aren't asking this, then my mistake - it's the only thing I could get from what you posted...

P.S. FWB requires a current friendship. All else is NSA/FB/ONS....
 tylerman28
Joined: 5/31/2009
Msg: 8
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 6/26/2009 4:43:42 PM
I wish more women had your same outlook. Besides, who gives a damn about what everone else thinks. People that judge, are only jealous.
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 10
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 6/27/2009 7:04:20 AM

Im curious about this, If you currently have a FWB thing going on and you meet someone you find to be LTR potential, the potential LTR might not be cool with the concept, or would you not tell them and hope you dont run into that person when your out with the new person.


I have a FWB and am looking for something more serious (but not with him--he's a fabulous friend, but we have both some long-term incompatibilities, and no romantic chemistry). My FWB knows I may be dating other people, and that I'll keep him posted, so I would let him know as soon as I had a date that felt like it might go anywhere. There's no hiding involved in that. I'm not sure if I'd tell a new potential LTR about it or not, largely because it's simply not that big a deal--on the other hand, I might just because he might want to know. I certainly wouldn't hide that from him, and my FWB arrangement will end as soon as I find someone where there's mutual dating interest.

OP: My FWB arrangement has nothing to do with not being ready for a more serious relationship (though I don't think there's anything wrong with having a FWB if you're not currently ready for more). My FWB and I are sexually but not romantically attracted to each other, and have a couple serious incompatibilities as far as an actual relationship is concerned. I'm very much ready for a relationship when I find someone I'm mutually interested in.
 cdbergerac
Joined: 5/23/2009
Msg: 11
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casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 6/27/2009 8:05:56 AM
If a FWB situation goes on for long enough and the sex is particularly good there is a good chance the woman's body will start to produce higer levels of oxytocin. While this isn't so much a risk in a one night stand situation, it does mean that it is more often that a women is hurt in a FWB situation.

If you don't find this is a problem in your case then the moral or social issues are up to you and your partner.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 12
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 6/27/2009 8:51:34 AM
write time said: I do maintain, though, that casual sex is more like "casualty sex" -- someone always gets hurt.

I like that think I will pass that statement along..

thecatsmeoww
 Levi_22_kc
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 14
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 6/27/2009 3:52:49 PM
First off the double standard will always be applied with woman and men. We can do things then blame you for being a certain garden tool for doing. Personally i dont care but i also know that chances are out of the two people involved one will develop feelings. They wont mean to but they will and it will come to fruition that someone gets pissy and ruins it. That or a insecurity of not fulfulling the others needs will cause problems and jealousy rears a big nasty head. But hell me i dont care i mean i think if a girl wants to in not so many words have it popped with no strings sign me up.
 FresnoChevrolady
Joined: 6/20/2009
Msg: 17
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 6/30/2009 7:56:58 AM
I much prefer and want a man for "friends with benefits" relationship. No Expectations = No Frustrations. There are no cheating issues !! As long as both partners understand the parameters, are honest and neither are involved with someone else, then if that's what you both want and agree to, then go for it !!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 18
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 6/30/2009 10:13:45 AM
^^^M Church, no disrespect, but if you're not there or involved you can't say for sure what people intend to do. All you can do is worry about your own life and those who you date.

Some FWB's (if friends or exes) may date others, may or may not be just sleeping with you - however if you know them well enough, it can be discussed and agreed to.

Women tend to want to know and trust someone, but men can also have a desire to know who they're dealing with. There's no reason for either party in an FWB agreement to be dishonest about sleeping with someone else if there's not a negative outcome to it. Saying no man can agree to sleep with just one regardless of agreement is sort of bashing men.

I could just as easily say no men in relationships are only sleeping with one woman either, but I bet that would sound like I was generalizing and being bitter...no?

Women are not 5 years old, we're not all victims, nor are all men. This male = predator, woman = prey dynamic is a thing of the 50s...it's not always that way. Women can want sex without hassle, just as men do, and women can also arrange an FWB while looking to date seriously. I don't understand why you'd assume a man and woman doing the same thing are day and night.
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 19
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 6/30/2009 5:53:04 PM
Then again, some of us have FWBs who are ethical, honest people, who have agreed to communicate with us if they do get involved with another woman, and who are honest and open and trustworthy enough to follow through on that despite the risk of losing the FWB. That's the arrangement my FWB and I have, that we will keep each other posted of any other involvements, pending or actual. You may not believe that he actually will, but I know him and trust him, and absolutely believe he'll follow through on that. After all, whatever else happens, he's a dear friend of mine.
 itsmillertime6227
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 20
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 6/30/2009 5:57:34 PM
Sorry, but you're question doesn't make any sense. A man that is having a FWB relationship is, assumably, having it with a female...It just depends if someone is judging one of them or not.

I have no problem with it at all.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 21
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 6/30/2009 6:10:15 PM
M Church, again - most of this is your projection, or personal situation, or opinion.

If it's monogamous(exclusive) it's not FWB its really kind of going "steady" as they used to say....

Actually the point of FWB is to safely have sex while NOT being in an actual relationship...with someone you know and trust, either an ex or a close friend. Someone you may be attracted to but for some reason don't want to date.

As it is, most guys would not disclose to a woman that they are sleeping with another woman or women for a few reasons.
1... Revealing to a FWB that you're sleeping with another woman is more than likely to end the FWB relationship.

If you are not wanting to sleep with people you don't know or trust, sleeping with someone else is going against that - for either sex. However, no one is obligated to do anything, and this assumes women, not men have this problem. Either may have this problem which is why it should be discussed before agreeing to it.

2... It might lead to unwanted 'drama'. (See #1). Especially if the FWB was beginnig to get feelings for them...

If this is a close friend or ex, that wouldn't be a problem UNLESS someone got into it thinking it was a way to go back to dating, in which case EITHER party sets themselves up for whatever comes of it. Men can be just as (and in some cases more) dramatic.

3... Too much information. I certainly wouldn't want anyone to know who else I was sleeping with. She might cause issues with the other woman. (See #2 again) Especially if they know each other...

You're assuming that a woman would care and that a man wouldn't which is again one sided. Many women are capable of dealing with this without having a problem. And many men have gotten attached and caused problems. If two people are adults and discuss before agreeing to it, this stuff doesn't happen.

4... There is the risk of STD's at the very least once more sex partners enter the mix.... so they know telling about the other partners may end a FWB... likewise, telling a new partner you have a FWB , most likely will end the new relationship....

If you are sleeping with a new partner and an FWB, male or female - the person you're dating won't like it if they find out. However, before you're serious with a new person, what you're doing isn't relevant as long as you're using common sense and not jeopardizing your health or anyone else's. Once you're serious and exclusive, sleeping with someone else is wrong no matter who it is, and if you really want to avoid an STD 100%, you're better off never sleeping with anyone - in any kind of situation.

5... A lot of guys will not want to end the FWB until they know for sure that one of the other women they're seeing will develop into something more. ( and most guys won't make that decision until they've slept with the woman a few times...)

Most people will have no interest in an FWB, FB, NSA once they meet someone they really like - if you're keeping an FWB around that long, then you're not that into a new person.

Again, gender has nothing to do with it - but being clear about all angles of an FWB before agreeing to one does. People who don't agree to an FWB with someone they don't know well, or can't really trust are taking a risk - same as dating, same as no strings sex, same as lending money. It's common sense.

I'm not dumb enough to think that men don't have someone they sleep with when single, and they shouldn't assume women sit around and knit sweaters when they are either. However - it doesn't mean that SOME people of EITHER sex don't forego sex between relationships. I also know many people who would find it offensive that a new person they were dating had sex between relationships, while doing the same and calling it justified because of their gender or personality.
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 22
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 6/30/2009 7:55:46 PM
There are a lot of guys out there that don't lie and don't cheat, and mostly they're not the type of guys who go for being FWB's.


Why would you assume this is true? I know a number of guys who would have FWBs and are ethical and honest.


If you want to believe that then more power to you. At your age I was still trusting and foolish too. It just makes me wonder why this guy, if he's such a ethical honest person, and open and trustworthy to you, doesn't have other women clamoring to be with him too. He sounds like a really good guy so why doesn't he have a girlfriend? Or is he hoping one day that you will be his girlfriend?


He's working on certain internal processing that a relationship would interfere with--he doesn't want a relationship right now. Hell, I'm an ethical, honest person, and I have a FWB because I'm incredibly picky and haven't met someone who's hit on all cylinders as far as a relationship goes. I've been single for well over a year now. Does that mean I couldn't possibly be ethical and honest?

There's a difference between being trusting and foolish, and surrounding oneself with people who are, in fact, trustworthy. While there is always a risk involved in trusting someone, the fact that I trust my FWB does not necessarily indicate some sort of naivete on my part.
 ohio07
Joined: 12/27/2008
Msg: 23
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 6/30/2009 8:54:54 PM
This whole topic reminds me of that joke in "She's the One" "Francis you mean your not having sex with your wife because you don't want to cheat on your girlfriend with your wife?" " Um, yeah..." Classic!
 OSUguy99
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 24
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 7/1/2009 1:38:29 AM
jesus this is exactly whats wrong with our culture. who says its ok for guys. lets just all indulge in selfish irresponsibility till were all so desensitized and jaded theres absolutely no meaning and romance left in the world. im not even religous and this way of thinking disgust me. is self respect and value a thing of the past. how are you ever gonna have a meaningful relationship in your life if you dont know how to be in one. its dysfunctional behavior that will make it hard down the road to enjoy real intimacy. have you ever considered if you ever have kids are these the descisions you want them making. grow up...
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 25
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 7/1/2009 2:11:23 AM

is self respect and value a thing of the past.


What indicates a lack of self-respect and value if this arrangement exists between friends who care for each other and are happy with this set-up? That's not a rhetorical question--I really don't get what the objection here is. There's nothing in having a FWB that means you don't know how to have a meaningful relationship (setting aside the fact that FWB can be meaningful in its own way), and if my hypothetical kids entered into such an arrangement with as much thought as I have, and with someone worthy of them, then yes, I'd be very much okay with that.

I love the intimacy of sex, and I especially love it in the context of a relationship. The fact that I'm enjoying the intimacy I have with my FWB because I've not found anyone compatible, doesn't indicate that I'm unable to enjoy that sort of romantic intimacy--it just means that I don't have it in my life right now.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 26
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 7/1/2009 4:31:40 AM

thought the point of having a FWB was to have someone to fill in the weekends in between having sex with people that you're dating.

Not where I'm from it isn't. At least not in my generation.

A FWB for most people has nothing to do with monogamy. It's a ticket to freedom.

Freedom from what, being single? You're already free before you start.

If you believe a guy that you're not committed to is not going to lie to you because he values your friendship over easy sex then you're not thinking too clearly.

Again, for people that do this with someone they don't know WELL and TRUST as a close friend already, I can see why someone would need to be cautious. Younger generations use the term FWB for someone they don't know very well - so the default is that there's no way to know what they're up to. The "F" in FWB however means you shouldn't get into something like this with someone you don't already know pretty well.

There are a lot of guys out there that don't lie and don't cheat, and mostly they're not the type of guys who go for being FWB's.

That's news to me. Sounds like they all sit in one category according to you, and that's too general to represent life. There are men who don't lie or cheat, but will sleep with someone they know and trust safely with no chance of a relationship if they are at some point in their life where it makes sense to do so.
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 27
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 7/1/2009 5:29:32 AM


If you believe a guy that you're not committed to is not going to lie to you because he values your friendship over easy sex then you're not thinking too clearly.


Again, for people that do this with someone they don't know WELL and TRUST as a close friend already, I can see why someone would need to be cautious. Younger generations use the term FWB for someone they don't know very well - so the default is that there's no way to know what they're up to. The "F" in FWB however means you shouldn't get into something like this with someone you don't already know pretty well.


woman hits the nail on the head. There is also, to my mind, a difference between FB (fvck buddies) and FWB (friends with benefits). A FB is there mostly for sex, without so much friendship in the mix. If you meet someone and decide to sleep together in an ongoing capacity, that's a FB. FWBs are people you've been friends with where you add a sexual component to an already-existing friendly relationship. The dynamic and emphasis is different. For a FB, the emphasis is on the sexual component, and a real friendship may or may not develop. It's probably not someone you know super well, and yes, more caution is advised. For a FWB, the friendship is primary and the sexual component is added in--it's there, but it's not the only or primary reason for your spending time together.

I'm sure there's variation in how these terms are used, but that's how I've heard them and how I use them. If you have a FWB whom you know and trust, and trusted as a friend before the sexual component, then it's not so hard to believe that he'd be willing to value the friendship first.
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 29
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 7/1/2009 5:45:55 AM
Greg, it doesn't. For me, I want the whole deal or I'd probably find it frustrating, but FWBs can decide for themselves what they'd like those benefits to be.

My FWB was already a cuddle buddy before the sexual component, so we did plenty of hugging and cuddling as it was, and will surely continue to do so once the FWB arrangement ends. But then, I distinguish between cuddle buddies (of which I have several, and or which only two have ever turned sexual), and FWBs.
 ShadwEagle
Joined: 5/29/2008
Msg: 30
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 7/1/2009 9:34:07 AM
i think people forget that the 'F' stands for FRIEND, or what the meaning of the word FRIEND is.

also, someone mentioned something about modern morality. FWB's have been around for centuries, it's not like the idea was invented in the 20th century. We just discuss it more then our forefathers.
So it's not like our modern society is going to the dogs. just that with worldwide media and the world wide internet, nothing stays in the closet any longer.

shadow
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 31
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 7/1/2009 10:18:09 AM

As I essentially said in a previous statement. We tend to think other people think the same way we do. You might have these views. It doesn't mean your friend does too. He may think along a similar vein but might not have the same agenda. His view might be to do whatever it takes or say whatever he wants you to hear to get his needs taken care of. At your age I was not as clever as I thought I was when it comes to relationships.


Thanks for your concern, but I'm really doing fine with this. I'm not you.


That sounds like so much BS to me. If a guy told me something like that I'd laugh him out of the room. Does he have Post Traumatic stress? If not, then he needs to admit he's full of it.


You're entitled to your opinion. There's specific stuff he's working on, but I'm not posting information on his internal processing for all of POF to tear apart. Believe it or not, some people really do want to better themselves.


He doesn't want a relationship with you.


Well, yeah. That's why we're FWBs. I don't want a relationship with him, either. That's really much of the point.


If he can have sex with you honey he's done enough internal processing and sounds like it's your internals he's processing. I bet if you cut off the FWB he'd manage just fine with someone else.


Thanks for your concern, but I think I'm a little better informed on this situation than you are, since I actually know the guy.
 eyez-ofa-angel
Joined: 6/24/2009
Msg: 32
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 7/1/2009 11:20:25 AM
guys seem to have it easy somtimes...they can have as many sexual partners at they want, but a woman cant cause then she is a slut! Women should be able to have casual sex, or friends with benefits...whats good for guys is good for woman.
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