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 e*Musing
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 4
Justifying Cheating?Page 1 of 24    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24)
We are humans...we can justify anything, including murder...that still doesn't make it right.

Using your above scenario...what happened to the intimacy? Most of the time, my belief is the guys snuff it out of the marriage. Women are custodians of the intimacy, and as long as their man contributes just enough oxygen to allow her to keep the flame alive.

So the guys stop contributing, the girls shut down, and now he's managed to "create" the excuse he needs...he doesn't need to worry about his vows to love...to honor...to cherish...he scratched those off his list long ago.

Sorry...I don't buy it...I mean, the justification...if you want to cheat because you're horny and don't care how your partner feels, that's your call...but let's not make excuses for it.

 RenaissanceMan1950
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 6
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:17:17 PM
Been there, and have the T shirt. I stayed married in a marriage with no sexual intimacy for the last 10 years. My motivation was placing a higher priority on my children't best interests, rather than fear of alimony, although, post divorce, I was paying $1800/mo in alimony and child support, which was over 50% of my income.

Would that have "justified" cheating? I don't know. It wasn't an option that I saw as leading to anything good, but I know how difficult that can be, when you are living for a "higher purpose", but life is devoid of any of the normal human needs in a relationship.

I certainly "understand" why some men, or women, would make that choice.
 RenaissanceMan1950
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 8
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:25:17 PM

Why do men get burned so badly? I can see child support, but alimony as well??


When I got divorced, my younger daughter was just starting high school. My ex hadn't worked outside the home for many years. I didn't want my daughters lifestyle to change, due to the divorce, so I was fine with living in a small apartment, and having my ex maintain the "homestead" for our daughters, while my ex went back to school.

Kids come first, and I didn't divorce my daughters, so I have no "resentments".
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 9
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Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:28:01 PM
I think it is usually an excuse for someone that didn't bother to work on their marriage.

I have a friend, wife is an alcoholic but no one, not even the rest of the family or even the kids know of the extent of the problem because she tends to do the majority of her hard core drinking when they are asleep. He won't leave because he will not leave the children alone with a mother he would have a problem proving is unfit. He also chooses not to have an affair because it is wrong.

I feel for him hanging in until the children are gone because he is truly in a catch 22 but it isn't the money. If you made money once you can make it again and instead of being honest and honorable, sucking it up an giving up half of what you earned (presumably she did something over the years that warrant not leaving her penniless like raising his children, being the appropriate wife at business events, etc.) you are yes, willing to use another person so that you can keep your money and have some fun.

Yup, that's impressive. I know a lot of people that walked away from everything, not even getting half, to get out of a bad situation so while there might be a tiny part of my that has some sympathy for the situation, the greater part of me thinks, what a douche.


that would be a hard thing to give up...

Maybe they should appreciate that they have gained so much that they still have more than the vast majority of people when they walk away with their half. Someone once lamented about losing his Harley, Mercedes, etc. because of the machinations of the ex. My comment was I'm sure that was hard for you but I have never been able to afford to buy them in order to lose them.
 MrBeReal
Joined: 6/12/2009
Msg: 10
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 9:33:44 PM
I do get a chuckle how some people think they are an authortiy on everything. These forums are worse than ebay's for goodness sake! lol Have fun chatting and bashing. Thanks for the laugh's. Live your life with a google search. That's one of the best ones I heard today!
 WalkingInLondon
Joined: 2/21/2005
Msg: 15
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 6/30/2009 11:11:32 PM
He could provide medical insurance after a divorce, he could provide a decent home and care for her as well. He is having his cake and eating it too. Cheating is cheating and there is no excuse for it, an the money excuse is the lamest one of all.
He needs to buck up, be a man, and be truthful with his wife and get divorce before he
seeks a relationship with another woman. That would be the moral thing to do.
Beth
 trailgirl
Joined: 7/1/2008
Msg: 16
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 12:03:06 AM
I wonder if the man spent far too much time nurturing his career and far too little time nurturing his marriage. Simply put, Happy women want to please and be pleased.

Of course it's easier to have an affair (a fresh emotional start) then face the results of what you've produced in your current marriage and work to repair the damage. But marriage isn't easy and taking the easy route lacks integrity and honor, IMO.
 776877
Joined: 10/13/2007
Msg: 17
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 12:52:25 AM
It seems so easy to bash the guy here but I wonder how much the 'lack of intimacy' can be appreciated as a factor?


A male friend of mine has been totally 'cut off' for the last two or three years and yet she has had affairs here and there but he refuses to himself, he wants to keep things together for the kids sake. Another friend came home from work one day and his wife told him she was leaving him that second to go with a guy who she'd been having an affair with for over a year or more. Both of these guys would saw their legs off with a rusty spoon for their kids but the woman in both the cases I'm familiar with have far less involvement to put it kindly.


I can already hear the rumble of the defences being kicked up...'they must have done something to make the woman leave them....etc.', well if thats the case then perhaps the woman referred to in the original post has some responsibility too, is it just ALWAYS the guys fault? I don't think so. I'm not basing all my opinion on just a couple of friends but can you honestly believe that EVERYTHING can be put at the doorstep of just one partner?
 908rivendell
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 18
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 2:51:11 AM
Aside from the chronic emotional handicapped, spouses cheat because needs are not getting met in the marriage and they aren't in love.

And not necessarily sexual needs. Money, companionship, conversation, affection, spouse keeping themselves attractive, etc.

I am the last guy to condone it, trust me, but you don't cheat on someone you are in love with, and it doesn't happen in good strong marriages.
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 21
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 4:54:58 AM
What the hell did she do sit on her assw all that time, never made dinner for him or the kids, didnt clean the house, didnt do his laundry, didnt do the shoping so they have something to eat. i am sure he didnt get all of by himslef he sucks in my book. The only thing he has a right to is refusing to pay alimony.
Now really look at it its is fair but every one is so dam greedy.
 DIANE K
Joined: 3/2/2009
Msg: 25
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 7:20:51 AM
Ebay has forums? I am half tempted to go look, lol.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 26
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Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:13:58 AM
A cheater can justify just about any behavior and will always blame their spouse. His motivation is purely selfish. Intimacy and marriage are not about sex.
 Jacqueline_
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 27
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:26:14 AM
So let me get this right, it's ok to hurt the spouse by cheating on her because you dont' want to give her her 1/2 and pay her the alimony she is due?

Sorry, but I got out of my marriage when it was like that and I lost a lot financially. But I would rather do that than further damage someone else (including my children) for the sake of money.
 gracengracie
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 28
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:30:30 AM
OP
For once someone has the guts to present the reality of many men.
They want intimacy and do not get any..But they are demanded to be faithful!

I'm married and I have met few married man for emotional company and they shared this situation all the time. I feel if women do not want to offer intimacy to their husbands and want him to remain married to her....maybe they should agree to a blank check every so often so then it would not be cheating....
I cant justify cheating but I cant justify depriving your partner of what he should get from a wife or husband...

Im sorry if people dont agree/like my comment. I'm entitled to it and I reach my idea after being married for 20 years .
 gracengracie
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 29
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:35:12 AM

A cheater can justify just about any behavior and will always blame their spouse. His motivation is purely selfish. Intimacy and marriage are not about sex


CarolAnn,

Although I mostly agree with what you post in other threads....I want to think out loud and ask you.

Men need physical intimacy, they day dream about it, they need it to perform in life and it actually helps them stay healthy.

So tell me what is the justification for a perfectly healthy woman to deprive her husband of sex or love making the traditional way only because she lost interest?


The couple could still pretty much be in love with each other, but the man starts resenting the "closed bedroom"

What would be the man next step????
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 30
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:35:14 AM

Things are transient, they're a temporary amusement at best. I could, and would, gladly give up everything (my house, my cars, my whatever) for emotional contentment...a lasting serenity.


Best comment on the thread.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 31
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Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 10:14:00 AM
RosiaG, we all need intimacy, but we all don't need a Lexus or a 4 bedroom home.
My point is that his motivation for NOT leaving his marriage is financial and we as spectators only know what this hypothetical man is choosing to share with us. I imagine that deep down a women that sleeps with a married man know that he at best is a liar and a cheat but there is a good chance that everything he is telling you is pure crap.

A girl I used to work with was constantly getting hit on by a married male member of her gym. He told her his marriage was a sham, his wife slept in a seperate bedroom and he lacked intimacy but could not leave because of the children and his finances. She was actually considering the affair because she was so busy at work and at school that she did not have time for a real BF.
Imagine her surprise when she saw him and his wife holding hands (her 7-8 moths pregnant) walking through a local shopping mall. She walked right up to him and said "Wow Bob, considering how much you talk about your wife, I am amazed you did not mention she was pregnant!"

As to your other question, a healthy woman does not deny sex to her husband unless she is:
A-no longer feeling love from her husband
B-getting it elsewhere

for me it was knowing the marriage was over and he had stopped any attempt to participate in it.
 gracengracie
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 32
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 10:33:59 AM
Dear CarolAnn
Thanks for your gentle and pretty well founded response.
In my mind I was mostly imagining two lonely married people having an affair. Without the least intention to grab someone else spouse, just borrow it for a bit of happiness. never to get any material gain. Some kind of food for the spirit.
If I was single I never give a married man the time of the day.
I have a very damaged marriage and we are not intimate for the last 5 months at least.
Issues are not about sex. They are worse than that....disagreement in handling our eldest son troubles and at first his disciplining.
I have had friend that are married. We just share some happy times and mostly chat online and occasionally some more.
I know for a fact they state have no intimacy with their wives. One thing they never do is talk bad about their wife, they are best friends, even great roomates but for I guess reason of age, they have stopped their interest in love making.
This to me and them is not grounds for divorce. There could be genuine love, amazing friendship, respect ( of course not too much on the cheating spouse), but not the physical connection.
I am not condoning cheating, again....I know it is wrong, but sometimes it is hard to figure out another way.
I don't care for the material and my husband either...when we sometimes discuss separation...money is never the issue. He always tells me...take it all I can work again and start...I answer.....money is for the one that keeps the children. But then we are parents that gave too much ( error) to our children.
I just hope life was simpler....it is very hard at times, but then we should always look for light at the end of the tunnel.
 Argentum Crinis Philogus
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 36
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 1:27:43 PM

There is no excuse for cheating and no justification for it either. I have heard guys say that as well, that he'll loose everything, blah, blah, but I don't buy it. Rather than cheat on his wife and degrade her and his family he should look within and work to resolve issues within himself that are driving him to seek companionship outside his marriage for it is the cheater with the problems.


Having spent uncountable hours with couples in relationships in various states of destruction, I can unequivocally assert that it is NOT just the cheater with the problem (s).
It is rarely a one-sided issue. It's very easy to sit in judgment outside of the daily reality,of others it's quite another to endure living it.

A marital contract can be violated in a variety of ways and having a relationship outside of the marriage, whether or emotional, physical, or both is no more of a violation of the contract than any other agreement contained within that the two parties have included for the relationship that they negotiated.

There are a variety of excuses and reasons for the justification. No one is required to accept either. The only person who needs whatever justification is given is the one who acted on that justification. They do not need or necessarily desire any approval outside of their own.

Best,

ACP
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 38
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 1:45:03 PM
I dated someone a few years ago who lied to me and told me he was divorced. The truth came out after a few dates that he was married and he said that she lived in their home in Florida at least part of the year and he lived in their home in Georgia part of the year, but they also lived in their homes in Georgia and Florida together part of the year. He said he married her because it helped him out financially to do so, but that there was no sex and he wondered if she was not asexual or a lesbian. He had been married to someone before he was married to her who left him for a jerk, and the jerk divorced her when she was diagnosed with cancer and the man I dated took care of her when she was dying. He would not divorce the current wife due to what he would lose in the divorce. The man actually did not seem to understand why I did not want to date him and that I did not think his have his cake and eat it too philosophy was something I wanted to be a part of. What is odd in some ways is that he treated me better than any single man I have ever dated when I was seeing him and thought that he was divorced.
 readyornot57
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 41
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Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 4:18:32 PM
Ginny......I have a female co-worker who is in the same boat as you......she works to help her husband pay the first wife.

My brother is married to a witch. A real witch. She is a horrid, shrill, materialistic, heartless, cold, envious nightmare.
He has two kids, one is special needs. He is a great Dad. He also works very hard and has a good income, and for this, he has a sexless life with this witch shrieking at him all the time. I am not exagerating.
But if he were to divorce, I agree that he needs to help take care of the witch. They have been married for twenty years and she did her part with the household and the children.
Right now he does not want to lose access to the kids.
If he is having an affair with someone (one woman only)whom he wants to be with in a few years I would be so grateful to God
that he has had just a little bit of affection in a torturous life.

So yes, I could justify if he had an affair. Which he isn't, that I know of.

If there were no kids, no, I could not justify it.
 gracengracie
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 44
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 6:38:42 PM

I do not condone cheating. However, these men are cheating with...............................WOMEN................who may also very well may be............CHEATERS


Pirateheaven ^^^^^^

I have to agree with you.
My point here is that couple in affair would be both married people. Yes they are cheating, but yes they are just borrowing some happy times....no intention to steal anyone's husband /wife....
Just to steal some happy moments. In fact even if I get stoned here....sometimes the benefits of their extra happiness is given back to the families in the way of them being more tolerant and even more willing to agree and deal with issues that otherwise would drive them nuts.

If the affair is between one single and one married...that's is big trouble for the most part.
More than likely the free person will like to marry the attached person....and so on.

Honeyangel,
There is also no excuse for a spouse to fail to provide intimacy to their partner, or to fail to give emotional support. this not always is demanding a divorce situation and its addressed and not corrected...so whats your proposed solution????
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 45
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Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 6:43:07 PM
I guess I have never been so afraid of losing my stuff, that I would lie or go against my internal beliefs in order to keep it.
I lived in a beautiful home in a very desirable neighborhood and drove a luxury foreign car when I was married. I now live in a much smaller condo, drive a used car with 100k miles on it and am the sole support of two great kids. I never cheated and do not regret 'downsizing' one bit. I kept my integrity and went on with my life when I knew the marriage was dead. It's no big deal or huge secret how to do it, you just move on and accept that nothing lasts forever.
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 47
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Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 8:35:44 PM
If their spouse gives them PERMISSION (the spouse knows full well that the intimacy in the marriage is gone and said spouse is only there for a cushy home, or doesn't want to rock the boat for the kids' sake, or if said spouse is dying), it's not cheating.

Otherwise, suck it up and either stay in an unsatisfying marriage or suck it up and pay alimony in a divorce settlement.
 gracengracie
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 49
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/1/2009 9:25:44 PM
^^^^ I dont think the discussion focused on cheating as a revenge to a cheater...
there were other points discussed.....the financial, the intimacy deprived spouses,
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