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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 5
Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?Page 1 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
There is absolutely NO reason why a couple in a committed, monogamous relationship can't maintain their own homes and spaces. In many cases, I'm sure it would be preferable. Perhaps one partner is afraid to bring up the subject for fear the other partner may not understand their reasoning behind it. I would think that maintaining separate abodes, that are close enough for spontaneous visits, would be ideal. You can enjoy 'together' time, as well as, the much needed 'me' time.

Being in a committed relationship has nothing to do with living under the same roof, to which many of us can testify. It's a mindset, not a geographical location.

I like your thinking, RenMan!
 DivineBovine
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 8
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/3/2009 3:21:32 PM
if you've never had that... yes.

that's the goal!
 ronosaurus
Joined: 7/22/2007
Msg: 9
Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/3/2009 3:46:29 PM
To OP & Chomskian;
24/7 may not be the goal, but 7/24 is a very fine test of the potential for a collaborative relationship!! You reminded me of a one week (7/24) canoe camping trip (200 km) I took with a female friend many moons ago. The one "mutiny" at the 100 km mark lasted only 40 minutes while I continued to paddle "solo". After the air was cleared we were hydroplaning over the whitecaps and covered 40 km in one day. When we arrived back home we were greeted by a reception committee with champagne and fresh strawberries to celebrate our accomplishment!!
 TryAgan
Joined: 4/4/2008
Msg: 12
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/3/2009 9:35:14 PM
4 All Seasons, Msg 22

24/7 may not be the goal, but 7/24 is a very fine test of the potential for a collaborative relationship!! You reminded me of a one week (7/24) canoe camping trip (200 km) I took with a female friend many moons ago. The one "mutiny" at the 100 km mark lasted only 40 minutes while I continued to paddle "solo". After the air was cleared we were hydroplaning over the whitecaps and covered 40 km in one day.

I agree, taking a whitewater canoe trip is one of the surest ways to test compatibility and tolerance between the partners. When in a middle of a powerful current or approaching thunderous falls, there is no time for diplomatic talks or pussyfooting. And to get out of the predicament, both partners have to pull in the same direction.

Many relationships were shattered on such outings. I personally knew some couples, who after a few heated arguments sold their tandem boat and got two solo canoes instead.

But once you get over the initial hump, problems seem trivial. Many marriages were cemented by battling the elements together and sharing the joys of wilderness travel.

 *Sanscheyle*
Joined: 3/2/2009
Msg: 14
Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/4/2009 7:17:34 AM
I agree with you, Ren. I've been single for the last 25 years and now find myself in a somewhat unusual relationship with a man whom is going through a divorce yet he and I are almost inseparable on a daily basis. He has his place (for obvious reasons right now), and I have mine. I remember years ago when I was married (yes, some poor sucker actually wanted me for matrimony at one time.. ) I felt like a wild animal in a cage and couldn't stand going home to him...funny, when we were just dating I couldn't wait to see him.

"Committed" means different things to different people. I'm "committed" in my heart to one guy and one guy only whether we're living under separate roofs, one roof or if I'm living in Papua, New Guinea. Some people can only equate being committed if they're living under one roof...I guess it gives them a feeling of security knowing they won't be sleeping alone one more night, yanno? I treasure my time alone but here's the thing. The pleasure I feel from being alone is the exact same pleasure I feel when I'm with my guy so that tells me it's right. To me, people that demand we "live together or get married" to seal the relationship are clingy, needy parasites that need constant validation that the relationship is indeed monogamous and committed.

Dayum...I would rather be an exhibit in the San Diego zoo than to date that kind of person..at least I would have a tree or two to climb to get away from their nagging, clinging a$$ when I needed to.

Sans
 *Sanscheyle*
Joined: 3/2/2009
Msg: 15
Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/4/2009 8:33:05 AM
No offense, but there seems to be a little "I" syndrome there. Takes two to make a relationship, and both parties in that respect have to be on the same page.


No offense taken but let me clarify. In any relationship, if you don't feel comfortable with the way things are going then there's going to be some problems, no? I'll admit that I have no children and can be a little blonde bit*ch when it isn't 'all about me' but don't you agree that you want to feel good yourself when in a healthy relationship? Also chief, when the dude makes it 'all about me' then I make damn sure it's 'all about him' as well.

Why would I want to be in a relationship just to meet someone else's needs and have mine ignored? (Btw, lonesome..I do respect your post's and hope you feel the same about mine.)

Sans
 *Sanscheyle*
Joined: 3/2/2009
Msg: 17
Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/4/2009 10:07:45 AM
I hope you have a happy life, and that's really all that matters.


Thank you, but I won't acquire happiness until I can afford proffessional help and with the economy as it is in Florida I must rely on the forums at hand for therapy.

When I mention 'needs' I guess it can be right up there with 'desires'. Fixed needs are of course food, shelter, water and whatnot. (I'm a survivalist..I can subsist on a q-tip, matches and build you a mall in the wilderness if need be.)

All I ever wanted was to belong to someone, somewhere. All I ever wanted was for someone to want me more than they wanted their beer, their sports or their remote control. I 'needed' that. I 'needed' to feel first for once..just for once. I'll tell you guys a secret and I've only told one other person this. 25 years ago I walked in on a man I thought I loved unannounced. He was in bed with another woman and when I caught them together he just looked at me, laughed and said "Sans, you will never, ever be as beautiful as she is...look at her..she's blonde with an awesome chest and you'll always be homely..like a forgettable ugly pet."

I was never, ever the same again, so my needs may be a bit different than other people's. I know that. My 'needs' are compatible to my 'desires.' What I need is also what I desire. Does that make sense?

Homely, my a$$. I just wish the son of a bitch could see me now. Sorry, off topic.

Sans
 *Sanscheyle*
Joined: 3/2/2009
Msg: 19
Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/4/2009 10:52:40 AM
^^^Thanks, guys. You are gems as well for your edit to me. (Lonesome and Ren) I'm so very, very tired of trying to be what other's want me to be. I like my chest just the way it is. I like my beautiful brunette hair the way it was..it was so shiny and pretty at one time..forget the 200 bucks it takes me to keep my hair blonde twice a month down here. meh!! Who the hell is paying for it?!?! Not him. I 'need' guys like both of you in my life! Thank you both for being.... just you.

I just 'need' a man to accept me for who I am, shrew and all.

Sans
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 20
Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/4/2009 10:58:30 AM
Op, it is never a must....unless you realize you start missing them before they say goodbye that morning :P

I think alot of the attitudes I have seen show how some are still trying to make someone else make up to them what a prior person has done...they feel cause they went thru something that they are OWED special consideration...well IMHO you invited the "prior" person in your life and the only one who OWES you anything is YOU! and that is to heal and move forward in your life and stop expecting others to repair you.

Two people who would be perfect together can self destruct a relationship based on what they both have been thru before...yes it is all about trust and so when I see or hear someone say..they will have to prove themselves to me what I really see and hear is I dont trust myself enough to be able to tell is someone is good or bad so I am going to make the next person jump thru a ton of hoops to make sure they really want me...that is when I realize that person is better off playing in the sandbox alone.

Yes there are con people who take advantage of individuals but you can know them for years before you realize what they are...so the idea of *keeping your emotions in check cause you might like the wrong person" is hoop dancing.
 *Sanscheyle*
Joined: 3/2/2009
Msg: 21
Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/4/2009 11:34:46 AM
*Sanscheyle*, if I may, stop trying to be what others want you to be!....be yourself, love yourself first. Your chest isn't what makes you who you are, neither does coloring your hair


Yeah, dude. Try being a brunette in Florida. No one will give you the time of day unless you're blonde and built. I'm not. I'm a little blonde troll. I have to rely on my 'pleasing personality' to snare my next victim but thanks for your encouraging post, nonetheless.

I just 'need' someone that will put up with my lack of self-esteem and extreme mood swings and will love me just the same whether I'm a swamp witch that day or not.

Any takers? Thought not. I just-can't-be-that-beautiful-pin-up-sex-kitten that every one expects me to be.

I just can't. I can't even live with me and how sad is that? I'm moving to Alaska and starting a dog-sledding business. lol

I guess I have to "commit" to myself before I can ever commit to anyone else, no? I know one thing and one thing only. I hate who I am with a passion but no matter how far I run, I can never get away from me.

Thanks Ren and lonesome for being my Guardian angels in helping me find my way. Both of you are guiding lights to me in a sea of turbulent currents right now and I need all the help I can get or I will surely drown without your support.



Sans
 DivineBovine
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 22
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/4/2009 11:41:08 AM

...for me, a serious relationship could sustain a good long while, with weekends ( Fri night-Mon morning) together, and phone contact during the week.


i've tried it 3 times and it's failed 3 times.

and i'm also tired of it.

i'm also a non-driver and hate putting a travel burden on someone else. i don't want to do that again either.
 ronosaurus
Joined: 7/22/2007
Msg: 23
Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/4/2009 11:48:51 AM
To RenassanceMan1950, Msg 39
personal autonomy, by maintaining separate residences
Autonomy:
1: the quality or state of being self-governing ; especially : the right of self-government
2: self-directing freedom and especially moral independence
3: a self-governing state
Maintaining separate residences appears to be the only way for a couple to preserve autonomy in the sense of the second definition. In Canada, the state, the law and its lawyers become the third partner on the moment of cohabitation.
The text below is from a Statistics Canada publication titled "Couples Living Apart".
Regardless of whether it is a temporary or permanent arrangement “living apart together” is a way for Canadians to balance their needs for independence with their needs for intimacy.
The full article is available at the web site below.
http://www.statcan.gc.ca/studies-etudes/11-008/feature-caracteristique/5022702-eng.pdf
 DivineBovine
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 24
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/4/2009 11:51:35 AM

In Canada, the state, the law and its lawyers become the third partner on the moment of cohabitation.


uh, not quite.

it depends on:

a) the province; and

b) how long you've been cohabiting...
 ronosaurus
Joined: 7/22/2007
Msg: 25
Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/4/2009 12:12:50 PM
To Divine Bovine, Msg 53
b) Agreed. Yes, there is a time requirement. I should have said after a time period specified in the relevant law.
a) I am aware that distribution of property is governed by Provincial/Territorial Law, although it may not be general knowledge.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 27
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/4/2009 12:31:21 PM

I agree that living together is the fastest way to ruin (the wrong) relationships, but living together is also the best way to develop, nurture and grow (the right) relationships. Living together is the ultimate expression of sharing when the relationship and timing are right.


When the relationship and the timing are right, couples develop "our way" that works for the two of them. Examples: You need time alone; she gives it to you. You don’t want to pick up and she likes a clean house; she picks up. She doesn’t like to mow the lawn; you do it. And so on. Emotionally mature couples in the right time/right relationship find ways to turn "issues" into something that promotes the common good of a loving relationship. Each action to promote harmony is done with love, so it's not seen as a compromise or tit for tat. It's about loving the other person.

^^^Agree with Kay here. Living together is the ideal situation that I'm looking for. And while marriage may or may not be part of it, I simply can't envision less than that. I want to share my life fully. I've spent a good chunk of time on my own and don't need to investigate further what that's all about.

I don't agree that there is any aspersions cast by articulating 'need' so honestly as Renman has...I see it for myself exactly as he wrote it. I don't choose to deflect or posture in a way that makes this seem less than what it is...The right person will feel as I do.

There is a "need" in the heart of most of us, to have "someone special" in our lives, and to love and be loved in return is a very real need, not just a passing "want".
 dlb47
Joined: 2/19/2009
Msg: 28
Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/4/2009 12:59:21 PM

Why can't two people be in a monogamous, committed relationship, yet maintain some personal autonomy?


Sounds good to me. I enjoy my "me" time but also enjoy spending it with my SO. I belief that is how we both stay healthy in the relationship. I can't stand "clingy" must see me all the time guys.
 TryAgan
Joined: 4/4/2008
Msg: 29
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/4/2009 7:08:06 PM
Lil – Msg 20

I'm with you on waiting a couple of years. However, after that, if you love eachother, most folks want to be together 24/7.

There are a lot of practical advantages:
HUGE financial savings in maintaining one home as opposed to two.
Another pair of hands on the end of the 2 by 4.
Sharing the sh*t work is so much easier a lifestyle. (Right now, I do all the handyman maintenance, repairs, gardening, housework, cooking and work at a job. It gets exhausting.)

And let's not forget the emotional advantages (if you love one another). Unscheduled petting, talking, laughing and making love.

I agree on both points – the practical advantages and the emotional ones, not to mention the time savings and reduced stress by not having to commute from one place to the other.

Having experienced both types of LTR, I don’t think, we can say one is better than the other. It really depends on the particular circumstances and personalities of both parties. One type can lead to another, but sometimes it’s just better to leave it at the first stage.

But what I will say is, that they are two entirely different things. Especially, in the emotional category - I couldn’t even count all the niceties that in a good 24/7 relationship far outweigh the few minor irritations from too frequent contact.

RenMan – Msg 24

Yet, my real life experience has been that to take a relationship of 6 months, that is really a strong, good relationship, but then thrust it into 24/7 can create stresses and discord about daily living issues, that have little to do with a romantic love connection.

True, but sometimes the living apart arrangement can create unnecessary stresses and complications which affect the romantic love connection.

 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 30
Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/4/2009 8:00:06 PM
At this time in my life, I believe that it would be ideal to live alone but have "service" calls from a special someone.
 kbodley
Joined: 11/26/2008
Msg: 32
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/4/2009 10:08:28 PM
I have friends that married and divorced each other twice! They finally concluded that they were madly in love with each other, they simply could not stand to live in the same house!

Their solution? They both sold their individual homes, bought two empty lots - side by side - and each had a home built on the new lot. They have been happily married, while each maintains their separate residence, for more than 2o years!

Now that's what I call committed - or perhaps should be??
 callmelori
Joined: 12/3/2008
Msg: 34
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/5/2009 8:45:55 AM
When I was married (for 18 years and lived with him for 4 years before that), the yard and outside duties (mowing, trimming, putting gas in my car, snow removal) were all my duties. He couldn't take care of household repairs. I replaced ceiling fans, light switches, ceiling light fixtures, electrical outlets, etc. I still do all of that today. Friday, I installed a 7 ft. solar lamp post on my deck, repaired the handle on my Weber Grill, replaced the pull-chain light fixture in my son's walk-in closet, and replaced the light switch in my bedroom. I saved myself a lot of money by being able to do these simple, fast installations and repairs. :)

I don't think that when the relationship is "right" that magically, you will want to live with the person. One person here complained that the woman wanted every sock picked up, every pan scoured as soon as he was done cooking...well, some of us [women] are not like that and are more relaxed. I clean up my kitchen, but sometimes I rinse the dishes and put them in the sink and then the major clean up is late that evening or the next morning. I have better things to do in life that chase dust 24/7.

My motto is now and has been for the past 6 years...I want him to keep his own place so when I get sick of him I can tell him to go home! And, he could do the same to me since I'd have my own place (and I have no doubt that he absolutely would tell me that...HA!). I won't say I'll never get married or live with someone again, but that will not be the issue that validates any relationship for me. If it happens, it happens, but it isn't my ultimate goal now.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 35
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/5/2009 9:48:38 AM
Rick, it's not just you. That' s the gist of it isn't it? What do you allow to supersede the us?

It's true that the nitty-gritty can wear at the parts...if you let it. Build in arrangements that cater to needs for autonomous space and time for each in the new 'ours'...a 'his' or 'hers' bathroom, separate offices or dens and even bedrooms....along with some separate trips...is better by far than being separate at 'hers' or 'his' ...Living together is about intimacy and a sharing and intertwining of lives...silly! Isn't it???? .

dnto ^^^good points and post. I like the Twain quote.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 36
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/5/2009 4:00:23 PM
If I felt I wouldn't want to live with someone it would speak volumes about the level of love and regard I held (or didn't hold) for them. That's just me tho'... and I have ended relationships in the past when I realized I would never feel that way for them. At a core level, I want a relationship, not recreation.

But that doesn't mean we have to (nor should we) give up our independence or autonomy completely. This morning my fellow said, as he'd been working the last few Sundays, he'd come to watch my daughter's hockey game tonight. My response was "Are you sure, you haven't had much alone time lately?" He said I was right and he'd see how he felt closer to when it was time to leave tonight. I enjoy having him there, and we have a great time together... but balance dictates we ALL need time for ourselves as well as time together.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 38
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/5/2009 6:13:02 PM
"In a relationship, at just the 6 month mark, often there are conflicts that start to come into things, as the "honeymoon" phase wears off."

Sad that some people think the honeymoon phase has to ware off. Sad that some people have had so many attempts at a commited relationship that has had a honeymoon phase that has died.

Time to stop banging heads against the wall, and try something else to grow before trying again.

"If you're living together, small "issues" can fester and escalate. I know that I tend to get annoyed, if we've talked something through, but she's still giving me the "cold shoulder", or huffing and puffing, indicating anger with her every move. Then, to go to bed next to someone pissed off at me, starts to make me want to "shut down" emotionally."

Thank God I have never had to live through the above. Again banging head and expecting different result.
 sk1960
Joined: 8/11/2008
Msg: 39
Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/5/2009 7:58:57 PM
When I first read the post - and the term 24/7 ws used - I thought it meant all day, every day.... that each other must do what the other is doing .... that for instance, one cannot go shopping or visit with a friend, without the other ..... If thats what you mean ...... take a gun and shoot me before it gets to that.

However, if you mean that you share a common domocile, that you share important things in your life, that your lives are intertwined .... then that is different .... I think each person chooses/decides what is best for them .... different circumstances ... different paths..... I would never say never -----
 kbodley
Joined: 11/26/2008
Msg: 41
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Must the goal be 24/7 in a committed relationship?
Posted: 7/5/2009 9:24:52 PM
I think it's harder at 55 to imagine myself 'living with' another person than it was when I was younger. When I was in my twenties and thirties I imagined that I would find someone that I would spend the rest of my life with. I imagined that we would get married and have children, buy or build the perfect house, and spend summers watching our children and grandchildren play at the beach!!

Reality is that I ended up being a single mom, and while my children grew up in a safe, warm, happy home, and we spent plenty of summers playing at the beach, I am finding that I am less interested in sharing my home with someone else! My life -no problem! My bed (with the right person) - not an issue! My heart - again with the right person - could imagine it! My closet, my bathroom, and my morning coffee on a regular basis - MUCH HARDER TO IMAGINE!!
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