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 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 4
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The WallPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Install screens. It's about good boundaries, not walls.

The walls we build block both what we fear and what we want... supposedly they protect us from potential pain from getting in (I don't think they really do) but at the other end of the pipe, they equally block joy from entering.

In my experience the defensive walls we build aren't really load bearing. I guess what is to be done is to examine what you think you need protecting from and decide if you really need that sort of protection after all. Most times, what we are afraid of isn't life threatening at all but the cost of protecting against it is not allowing life to flow.
 sanchinkalady
Joined: 3/22/2009
Msg: 5
The Wall
Posted: 7/5/2009 12:45:33 PM
The thing about building a wall is it not only keeps people out but it keeps you locked in. Sure, it's safe in there, but it is also lonely, and often cold. To me, the best way to "tear down" the wall is to do it brick by brick. You'd be surprised how much fresh air a small hole in the wall can let in..........along with a view to the world outside that you've been missing by your self imposed exile. When you get the hole in the wall big enough you may be shocked to see someone on the outside willing to add their work to yours in shoring up the weight bearing part of the wall and opening the wall into an archway that allows you to enter and exit at will and allows others to do the same. Is it going to be an overnight thing? Probably not, although once the wall starts to fall you may find it gets easier, especially if you have many people helping. Love is out there in all it's forms, friends, family, partners, but to get that love you have to take the risk. Is it easy? Of course not, is it worth it, you betcha! Take the chance, you're more than worth it!
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 6
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The Wall
Posted: 7/5/2009 12:48:11 PM
I think there is a big difference between walls and boundries.

Walls keep us from getting hurt.

Boundries keep away unwanted attention.

I put up walls for a few years after my late husbands death. Took the walls down when I was finish healing.

Being innocent at the time, I quickly learned what boundries worked for me. ie. After dating men with young children and seeing the dramas that came with that, I add the boundry of not dating men with minor children. I have a no drug, no drunks boundry, along with a boundry for interests that don't work for me. The boundries just make life more comfortable and simple.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 9
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The Wall
Posted: 7/5/2009 2:24:08 PM
at any al anon meeting, several years ago, someone intiated the topic of walls versus boundaries. it was a long and interesting meeting. not to mention that some have boundaries that are far more encompassing than others.

too many of us stick in a situation and bang our heads on the walls. i chose to walk out of the "edifice". my vision is that my mate will walk with me. "or", i will venture out into sunshine, fields of wheat, rolling hills, green trees ahead and follow my path. beingb a new yorker, if it leads to a subway, i'll find people to observe or talk to along the ride.

i do have a strong sense of self. that's not to say, i'm confident or not w/o fear. but, i take educated risks. when, i am wrong or get hurt, i pick my ass off the floor, take a breather and then journey on.

for me, life is about serving and learning. i'd like to add more to that in terms of not just giving love, but being on the receiving end w/o being fixed, judged, made in consequential. i want to be valued. but, i do value myself. so, it's not about survival, it's about "experience".

i can see your getting ready OP! time to toot that horn.
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 12
The Wall
Posted: 7/5/2009 5:21:51 PM
Now I know why I never became a carpenter... I don't build walls. Never have. I might have had an easier time had I learned how to do so. I have no walls or barriers. Or, using another metaphor, I'm an open book. That maybe why I am so outgoing and enjoy meeting people so much. Also it's probably why I don't fear being in a relationship, falling in love or making a commitment.

You can be hurt when you care about someone, but it is worth the pain that may occur. You will recover. I'm not a bitter, angry person and I don't hold grudges. I wish the best for all my exs, even the ones who have done despicable things to me. I would never want to be back with them (except for my late husband), but I wish them well.

Why, if I've experienced loving and being loved, would I want to build walls to prevent that from happening again? The joy you receive from loving and being loved is so much more positive than the risk of being hurt is negative.

Edit: I do agree with Moraima... when I was widowed, I DID build a wall to prevent caring so greatly about someone again. That lasted a few years and was for self-preservation. The pain of losing my husband DID almost kill me and I couldn't imagine going through that pain again. Since I have torn down that wall, I again am able to love and be loved by someone special. Hopefully, I'll never again need to build another.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 14
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The Wall
Posted: 7/5/2009 6:02:02 PM
"when I was widowed, I DID build a wall to prevent caring so greatly about someone again. "

That certainly isn't why I built a wall for the first few years of my widowhood. I wasn't capable of caring about anyone while grieving. I built the wall so I had the privacy to do my grieving without distraction.


"wish the best for all my exs, even the ones who have done despicable things to me. "

To me rushing into the next bad relationship is a big sign of not grieving/healing from baggage of past relationship. That is the best time to put up walls and do the work/healing we need to do. Skip over that healing will find people banging their heads on yet another wall after their next ex dumps them.
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 15
The Wall
Posted: 7/5/2009 9:35:46 PM

"when I was widowed, I DID build a wall to prevent caring so greatly about someone again. "

That certainly isn't why I built a wall for the first few years of my widowhood. I wasn't capable of caring about anyone while grieving. I built the wall so I had the privacy to do my grieving without distraction.
Moraima, we each build walls for our own reasons. All I meant, when I said that I agreed with you, is that losing my husband also caused me to put up walls. Not that they were done for the same reasons you have done so. I'm wouldn't assume I know why you have done certain things.




"wish the best for all my exs, even the ones who have done despicable things to me. "

To me rushing into the next bad relationship is a big sign of not grieving/healing from baggage of past relationship. That is the best time to put up walls and do the work/healing we need to do. Skip over that healing will find people banging their heads on yet another wall after their next ex dumps them.
It's a shame that you are so presumptuous as to think you know what my life is like. You don't know anything about me, except for some statistics I have shared on the forums. You haven't a clue about who I am. Contrary to your erroneous beliefs, I am not rushing from one relationship to another, emotionally damaged after being 'dumped' and lugging baggage in a travel trailer. Who made you the authority on relationships and deemed you the one to decide what is the correct thing to do? I don't remember asking for your advice, yet you seem bound and determine to share it with me. Worry about your own life and please, knock off the rude commentary regarding mine. I don't need nor want your approval for what I do. I am very content with my life as it is, thank you very much.

BTW, I was widowed in 1995. I do still love my late husband and always will, but I believe that I have sufficiently healed to the point where I can be in a loving relationship without overwhelming my partner in baggage. Comprende'?
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 16
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The Wall
Posted: 7/5/2009 9:58:17 PM
"return to safe places for processing and rejuvenation"

andserendipity, i'd like one of these safe places to be the partnership with the man in my life! which reminds me of the saying, we all choose to rent out many of the spaces in our heads to negativity, fear, righteousness--or optimism, hope and flexibility/receptivity.

gotta let the good energy flow through you and out you. that, for me, always makes everything a win-win. at the very least: safe to move on, if not in the right space. i believe they call that "resiliency". i don't have all my working parts in order with lymes disease, but i do tend to bop back. i owe it to my sense of humor and my connection to the universe, which i chose to call "Higher "Power"!
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 18
The Wall
Posted: 7/5/2009 10:54:26 PM

Walls, or boundries, with windows and doors allow us the opportunity to view who's knocking and decide whether to allow them access



...Knock, knock, knock....hello, anyone home?


...maeflowers
 ringo17
Joined: 3/22/2009
Msg: 19
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The Wall
Posted: 7/5/2009 11:33:59 PM
I don't think the op needs anyone to repeat what walls are or opine that some could be good. His question was how to bring them down. Trust in your own ability to handle whatever comes your way, faith that most people are good and consideration of what it really means to be the servant and not the master.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 22
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The Wall
Posted: 7/6/2009 6:37:02 AM
"It's a shame that you are so presumptuous as to think you know what my life is like. You don't know anything about me"

I is a shame that you think I am posting solely about you.

"Skip over that healing will find people banging their heads on yet another wall after their next ex dumps them."

I have seen that happen over and over again both on dating sites and in real life.

"knock off the rude commentary regarding mine. "

You present ideas in your posts. Anyone here can agree or not agree. That is what topics are all about. As people don't know each other in cyber space, the posts are about ideas not people.

When people disagree with my idea about walls or any other threads I understand they are disagreeing with my ideas and not me personally.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 23
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The Wall
Posted: 7/6/2009 7:04:50 AM
Well, one theory is that things are interactive between the 2 people involved, and if you put up a wall, that will be reflected in the reactions of the other person.

One very effective interpersonal technique is to be open and trusting of others. There are very few really bad people out there who can easily avoid reflecting back that openness and trust, although there are definitely some. On average, however, such an attitude will result in the development of close bonds with others.

It all depends on what you want to achieve. Boundaries are probably all you really need....
 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 27
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The Wall
Posted: 7/6/2009 9:52:18 AM
For our walls to come down, we as the Bricklayers must have an open heart, and be willing to trust. When we do find the right person, we remove the walls brick by brick. Wise couples do start their relationships slowly, it's only fools that rush in.
 pleasurelimits
Joined: 2/9/2009
Msg: 36
The Wall
Posted: 7/7/2009 1:12:57 AM
Parrothead, there is no way to protect yourself really, I lost what I thought was my greatest ever love, (murdered actually) and seriously doubted I would ever get over it much less find anyone I wanted to become involved with again, then I realised through my training (Psychologist) and time that I could only manage the hurt by 'compartmentalising' it as in not try to forget it, not possible, but put it in a place that I can look into whenever I want and remember the good times that I would never have had if I had not met her, and now, released, I have fallen very deeply in love with a wonderful filly on this site actually, SO, don't build walls you actually need to accept your past experiences, welcome the person you have become and look forward to life's possibilities, the pain sucks so put your mind where the pain isn't, your new self and get on with living 'it' and good luck, this saying is the best life guide I have ever heard and I live every day by it now, 'if it is meant to be it is up to me'
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 39
The Wall
Posted: 7/28/2009 7:06:38 PM
I think we all have walls that we use to feel "protected" but in truth all the walls do is keep us from being able to live life to the fullest. When I met someone who has "walls" I allow them to keep them in tact, when the time is right for them they will take the walls down themselves and if in that timeframe we part company I hope that my actions have in some small way restored their faith in themselves and others to make them wish to take their walls apart.

I had someone who insisted that I allow them in...no walls and the pain of having to choose between my feelings of being "protected" and the potential I had with them was very painful, I would never ask that of another person. Time does heal if the person wants it to, if not they will use whatever life experience they have had to continue to be both angry and bitter.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 41
The Wall
Posted: 7/28/2009 9:16:37 PM
Hm, I'm no expert, of course. But this sounds familiar to me.

I would think that it's all a trust thing.
YOU have to learn to trust, and it doesn't have to be with just one person.
You can tell little things that mean a great deal to you, to different people. It makes it easier (on you) if everyone knows just a little about you. Once they have kept your trust, you can start by giving them more. Eventually, you'll end up trusting everyone, and then find that the wall evaporated.
 marrkie
Joined: 7/21/2008
Msg: 42
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The Wall
Posted: 7/28/2009 9:31:09 PM
isnt truely living life about experiencing all things...good/bad/joyful/painful/happy/sad (yes I could go on but you get the idea)
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 55
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The Wall
Posted: 3/27/2011 7:49:00 PM
interesting that someone conjured this old thread up. not to mention, it was started by an e-buddy. not to mention that i have been quoted!

well, let's add something recent. i found the love of my life. never have i trusted someone so deeply and felt so "loved". he then lied big time to me. i found out. the rage spewed out, now just the pain and the lack of trust. in essence, i left my body and built a wall around my soul. he is the one who suffered the most from his selfish deed. he did not want to hurt me. he was just not able, nor did he know how, to face me and talk things out that were triggering in him. in retrospect, all very crazy.

today we both agreed after a month of my needing "space" to talk it out and try to understand. one day at a time. with professional help. if we make it, it will be because we both worked our asses off doing it. if not, we will not be bringing the angst to the next relationship.

this takes courage and determination. it is not based upon current good feelings, although we have an intense attraction and we were best friends to one another. it is based upon wisdom--aka the serenity prayer.

a long time ago, i was told that to gain this wisdom, it took one day a a time. 12 step al anon talk. but, it has worked for me, in all areas of my life. even when there is no alcoholic in my life, just me and the "situation". of course, each day we "work it". in many ways starting to get closer. but to ultimately forgive and take the wall down takes time. because once down, i know i cannnot keep raising it back whenever it "feels" good. nor can he ever lie to me again.

tall order, but doable. if not with him, with someone else. that, i have always "believed" . in many ways, i feel that i have left my body. never felt this way before. but, it is a protection as long as i am doing the work and don't "forget" that it is a temporary thing.
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