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Show ALL Forums  > Sex and Dating  > Is no sex dating so terrible?      Home login  
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 kickingfate
Joined: 9/10/2005
Msg: 2
Is no sex dating so terrible?Page 1 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
for me...no sex with someone i'm dating is definitely a deal breaker. sounds shallow but sex in a relationship isn't everything but it is an important part, and for myself at least important enough to have it a deal breaker. Damn that sounded shallow ....lol...but im just being honest.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 12
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Is no sex dating so terrible?
Posted: 7/12/2009 8:27:11 AM
I will not wait for marriage to have sex.
Doesn't mean I rush into it with a new guy........but there is no way in hell I'd marry someone without knowing if we are sexually compatible.
so, yes, it is a deal breaker for me.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 17
Is no sex dating so terrible?
Posted: 7/12/2009 10:16:16 AM
Well, if you're "just" dating, it's not terrible if you refrain from having sex, and are at least doing things like willing to making out (and then some?). But when you've got an established relationship going, and you're past your first years of adulthood, then it's weird if you play ritualistic games of cutting each other off.

Think about this: What if you went out with a guy who didn't want to make out with you? What if he said that it'd "lead to other things", and he holds off making out until being married?

His argument would be that he's a stronger man for that, and it would make it more passionate when you do get married (which would be total BS he bought into by the way).

So in that situation, would he be unfair to you? Well, it's not about fairness, it's about weirdness. Unnecessary, unnatural complications that people don't need to go thru.

In my assessment, if you're 21+, and you've established an exclusive relationship with someone, sex is a natural and normal exchange, just of a higher order than the other things you do (like making out). Holding off on sex purely for sake of holding off on it, when you're in an established relationship is unnatural, abnormal, unnecessary, and begs the question as to whether you are really into them (ie a -real- relationship).
 wacowboy3
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 22
Is no sex dating so terrible?
Posted: 7/12/2009 12:16:32 PM
Personaly , I would never wait till marriage to have sex. You need to be compatable sexually. Granted sex is not everything in a realtionship,but it is a very important part. I never expect sex on the first date, hell probably not gonna happen on the second date either. Believe it or not most guys want to have some feelings also for the person they want to make love to. I am willing to wait myself,but not forever. I had a very good relationship that sex happened on the second date, and no I didnt think she was a slut , I felt honored that she felt comfortable enough with me to share herself with me. When the feeling is right , its right . I do find that if I really like the woman and she likes me ,why do ladies make us wait till the 3rd date, 4th date, 5th date etc, . After about the 5th date an no sex, I start getting the feeling I am being used for a meal ticket , or just a reason to get them out of the house. Dating is expensive , and with limited resourses, I am not going to spend a lot of time and money with someone waiting . With that said , why dont ladies, if there is no sexual attraction , say so fairly soon in the dating process. Am I being unreasonable here ? Besides actual dates if I am intrested in somone , I want to chat on the net with them, talk on the phone often between dates getting to know them . Just some thoughts from a male perspective.
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 25
Is no sex dating so terrible?
Posted: 7/12/2009 1:03:03 PM
I'm not one to feel the need to wait til marriage to have sex, but then I'm 58 and hardly a virgin. I would like to know that we are sexually compatible, as well as emotionally and intellectually compatible. Sexual compatibility is a big component to a happy relationship. If one or the other partner is not being satisfied, it can be terribly destructive to the survival of the marriage. But this is a choice you have to make for yourself. If it is something that is part of your moral and value structure, then stick to your guns. There are men out there that will wait.
 hellgremlin
Joined: 5/23/2009
Msg: 26
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Is no sex dating so terrible?
Posted: 7/12/2009 2:40:01 PM

It just seems to be a bit of a deal breaker in my relationships. I want to wait until I'm married but the guys say that I'm being unfair to them.

So my question is, would you be happy if your girlfriend (or boyfriend) said they wanted to wait?


Nope, wouldn't be happy. Waiting for marriage is dumb, and marriage in itself is a horrible idea. I wouldn't give a person with these values a second thought.
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 27
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Is no sex dating so terrible?
Posted: 7/12/2009 3:28:49 PM
lfmf:
if no sex (intercourse, oral, etc) before marriage is what you desire then stick to your guns. If nothing else, it can blow away the chaff. As one myself who is reluctant to open that door, the sex outside of marriage issue, I understand your reluctance. Unlike the majority of the other posters I don't think testing the waters, goin' fer a test drive, etc., will tell you much for or about the long term.

If your goal is marriage you need to understand that the relationship you would have outside of marriage is diferent than the one inside the boundaries of marriage. No matter what you say about being committed, until you've stood up before family and friends ( and God for myself) and announced to the world I am making this committment all you've got is a dating relationship. I don't care how committed to a ltr you think you are, there is something critical about legally (and/or religiously) binding yourself to another person in public.

The one thing that a test drive won't tell you is how are you gonna be, as an interacting couple, 20 years down the road. that's where a long dating/ courtship period comes in. during that time you have a chance to see how the other person behaves: to you, to others, to himself; how he responds to stress (and lack of sex when around someone you desire is a stressor); and he gets to see how respond as well.

Another aspect of that long dating period is that you get to talk about that which you think is important within a marriage: if you think sex is important then talk about it, find out whether your perspective on sex within marriage meshes well with his perspective. if you two are on the same page, intellectually, emotionally, (spiritually), physically, and psychologically, then the actual act of gluing all of that together with the actual deed is a fait accompli. What all these rubes who entertain the notion that sex is so complicated that we need to dip our toes into the water to see if the temperature is OK fail to understand is that sex is so basic to the human existence that anyone can do it -- what makes it great is the desire you have for each other, that your greatest desire is to fulfill his desire and vice versa. Great sex isn't mechanics, it's the love and respect that precedes and follows the mechanics.

So, stay true, avoid the bed hoppers, and I wish you well.

TK
{if it wasn't simple, there'd be a whole lot less of us}
 readyornot57
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 30
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Is no sex dating so terrible?
Posted: 7/12/2009 6:39:06 PM
OP and Marcy (a couple of posts above this) , look it is your belief system. If you are happy with it, that is fine.
You don't have to change unless you want to.
Personally, I would find it difficult to get to the point of wanting to marry someone without feeling the passion of lovemaking with her.
The risks you take of losing good guys as well as total creeps has been presented to you. Also, the risks of marrying a man who does not want sex after the marriage either.
I would suppose that a lot of guys in denial of their homosexuality may find this dating attractive.....be careful there also. They look good with a girl on their arm, trying to present the image of heterosexuality.

OP and Marcy....a question....have you ever met a guy you seriously wanted to marry?
If so, as your feelings developed, did you ever feel your willpower weakening?
 Chiwrtr72
Joined: 6/15/2006
Msg: 36
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Is no sex dating so terrible?
Posted: 7/12/2009 8:21:42 PM
No sex dating isn't so terrible... they are called friendships and I treasure them.



Now, if I wanted to see someone as more than friends then sex would be essential. I'm not a fan of the 3 date rule or 5 date rule or whatever, but sex would have to be on the agenda (if dating agendas were actually typed up).
 huggablekiss
Joined: 3/21/2009
Msg: 41
Is no sex dating so terrible?
Posted: 7/12/2009 10:54:52 PM
I think men eventually wants to have sex, that is one of the reason men invests their time and finances in a woman. Sex is an integral part of any relationship, but it is entirely up to you to decide and do not have to feel obligated. Both are adults, and if he pressures for sex, and you don't feel comfortable, then don't do it. If he really likes you and you both have the same value in that way then there wouldn't be a problem (sometimes a man will not wait for you, and go to a different woman and have his sex, but is willing to wait for you. If he is serious about you and same value in that manner, he'll appreciate your self respect and intregrity. I think the single scene is like this......you two are just dating (no commitment), he must have had sex before you met, so realistically you may not be the only woman he is going to be sleeping with (most men who have had sex previously cannot wait). If both are in a relationship, there is a mutual respect to initiate sex as it is an integral part of a committed relationship, though as I said before, if your values are differing from his, then it is likely to not work out, and if both have the same values in that manner, then it is a match in that sense, though not necessarily a match when you both finally have sex.
 Pratch
Joined: 5/11/2009
Msg: 44
Is no sex dating so terrible?
Posted: 7/13/2009 6:59:58 AM
I'm big on putting it off for a while, but know it's going to happen: I just would rather wait so it doesn't become the primary focus. When you stop talking because all you're doing is having sex? Definitely not the best way to get to know someone on the inside... er in a non-sexual way at least.
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 48
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Is no sex dating so terrible?
Posted: 7/13/2009 12:28:31 PM
Sorry, j0e0717, that's one bet you just lost. Just because you have such a base and limited view of yourself and project that image upon others does not make it so. And that "gaurentee" you offer is a worthless bet. I know of at least one couple that doesn't fit your base view of people. Besides, oral and anal are both sex, just because the penis doesn't get inserted into the vagina doesn't mean sex hasn't happened. I suspect that it is folk like you that put Clinton into office. Sounds like your morals are about on par, somewhere in the depths of a feed lot.

TK
{doesn't understand how equating a woman with a soulless car gets you laid}
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 49
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Is no sex dating so terrible?
Posted: 7/13/2009 12:33:08 PM
I'd be willing to wait a bit - maybe as much as a couple of months - but no longer. Certainly not until marriage! However, that just means I'm not the right match for someone who believes in waiting - they need to find someone with compatible beliefs.

The test drive idea is partly valid, but for a used car or previously-owned date, I'd also suggest a full-checkout by a competent mechanic, since I am only qualified to judge the appearance and ride quality. There are few things more disappointing than getting stuck with a lemon - and the total cost of ownership is far too high.
 jacensolo1
Joined: 7/21/2006
Msg: 50
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Is no sex dating so terrible?
Posted: 7/13/2009 7:46:26 PM
i wouldnt have sex on my first date

i want know the person before i do.
I only have sex with someone if i dating them for 6 months or more
If they want wait till marriage they very special person i would wait .

This sex and dating wrong . for one lol i be to scared and to nervous
My first time dating i didnt kiss a girl on first date because how i was taught i didnt know so i lost the girl.

I tryed interct dating this long distance relationships dont work .

But alot my problems is i cant drive because of my disablity so meeting any woman hard

yes i meet them here lol i dont know what to say i am shy in rl
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 52
Is no sex dating so terrible?
Posted: 7/14/2009 2:11:04 PM
If you can find someone not interested in sex until marriage, more power to you. But what if after you get married you realize that you can't stand him in bed?
 Searcher8001
Joined: 6/13/2009
Msg: 55
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Is no sex dating so terrible?
Posted: 7/14/2009 2:44:15 PM
LFF -

What YOU are looking for is someone who shares the same values as you do in regards to premarital sex. Now that is going to be a tough one because 99% of the men and probably 90% of women think that not only is sex something to be "checked out" or experienced but that this pre-marital sexual experience is a natural part of the dating process.

While this is the modern view it is NOT at all the traditional view and is NOT the view of the majority of fundamentalist religions from Islam thru Judaism thru Christianity. So you will have a tough road to hoe here until you find someone who views the situation as you do. And if he DOES and he also deeply values YOUR worth, YOUR wishes and desires and HIS future life with you should that ring come out of his pocket then he will CERTAINLY accomodate your requirements.

The traditional religious view has been that sex is ONLY lawful within the protection of marriage. For these people sex within marriage is LAWFUL love while sex outside of marrage is NOT lawful love but rather lawless so-called "love." While 99% of todays moderns do NOT accept this view, it IS a consistent view if you accept the premise. For me, personally, THIS view remains the highest sense of affairs and I have NEVER been really comfortable with sex before marriage. After the engagement was announced and the commitment made we certainly got hot and heavy and did have sex a few times but thought of it as more like just giving in to our passions as opposed to being obedient to this principle. The fact that we did NOT always live up to it did NOT invalidate the principle, itself.

You MUST act up to your HIGHEST concept of right and you are responsible to your conscience and NOT to any boyfriend's particular desires. Ultimately, it's YOU who have to live with YOU - in a manner consistent with your beliefs and values. When I first got married we did NOT go "all the way" before marriage and frankly, it didn't change our married experience really one way or the other. Ultimately we parted but it was NOT really over sex as much as it was over what we found to NOT be attractive in each other.

Live up to YOUR values. THEY must govern your life.

Best wishes for you as your search for YOUR wonderful prince.
I KNOW he's out there and that God is preparing HIM for YOU!

Jack
 nutty322
Joined: 2/6/2007
Msg: 57
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Is no sex dating so terrible?
Posted: 7/31/2009 3:23:32 AM
I don't think it is the be all and end all of a relationship - yes it is nice to have, as many people have stated it makes you closer and the intimacy of the whole thing is great. However, as mentioned as well, if you don't have it then you get to know the person on a much more different level - and you know that your relationship is based on the fact that you get along well because of your personalilty matches, rather than it just being based on sex. A lot of people find i think, that if they have a relationship that starts off with say lots of mad, passionate sex, having it all the time - eventually if that starts to fizzle out, then so does the whole of the relationship!! This way you know your foundations are built on something more - love not lust!
For me personally - yes i could live without it - as long as i am still getting lots of affection from the person - such as lots of kisses and cuddles, the guy still wanting to be close etc. But as soon as that isnt their either, its game over im afraid, because then there is no difference in that relationship to friendship.
 GWSmith
Joined: 12/18/2008
Msg: 60
Is no sex dating so terrible?
Posted: 7/5/2010 6:39:25 PM
During dating not so bad but if its serious than yeah. Sexual compatibility is important and there is only ONE way to figure that out.
 mrcs84
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 61
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Is no sex dating so terrible?
Posted: 7/5/2010 8:57:21 PM

It just seems to be a bit of a deal breaker in my relationships.

That's because you are [probably] running into people that are sexually active. It take a lot of willpower to forgo sex after being exposed to it. Most people find sex to be an important element of their relationship, and it is something that strengthens it. Moreover, what is so spectacular about you that a guy would want to hold off on sex when there are plenty of respectable women out there that will have sex prior to marriage?


Guys say that I'm being unfair to them.

I think it's fair as long as you are up front about it.


So my question is, would you be happy if your girlfriend (or boyfriend) said they wanted to wait?


Definitely not, especially seeing how I don't plan on getting married EVER. Even if I was, I would plan on at least waiting about 2 years before getting married. That's a LONG dry spell for any guy that has an active sex life.

I have a feeling that eventually you're going to rush to getting married because of this dilemma of yours. Either that or you will finally do away with this promise you made to yourself so that you can have a "decent" dating life.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 63
Is no sex dating so terrible?
Posted: 7/6/2010 7:09:37 PM

I don't think it is the be all and end all of a relationship - yes it is nice to have

"Yeah, it's nice to have" in a relationship? LOL. Yeah, I guess I could say, "Something besides bread and water for life? Yeah, it's nice to have..." For those of the adult breeding age with any normal sex drive, it's an important thing to have. Without it, for those with a sex drive, a relationship won't continue and shouldn't progress.

if you don't have it then you get to know the person on a much more different level

I disagree, if we're talking about the general population. How does having sex stop you from getting to know someone on ANY level? Wouldn't it be best said that you get to know the person on a much more different level once you DO have a sexual relationship?

you know that your relationship is based on the fact that you get along well because of your personalilty matches, rather than it just being based on sex

I don't think anyone should make a relationship just because you had sex. Only fools would do such a thing. Again, having sex in NO WAY implies everything that occurs between the two is based on sex.

By that rationale, you like cuddling? Kissing? Great. Don't let THAT get in the way of knowing someone's personality. No kissing, no cuddling. No physical interaction.... because by your rationale, physical enjoyment & exchange will stop you from knowing their personality.... because it'd just be based on playing kissy-face and cuddling on the couch like 7th graders! Don't do that!! :)

This way you know your foundations are built on something more - love not lust!

Don't make the mistake of going exclusive with someone just because you make house calls at night to boink, then. Again, having sex does not mean the relationship or the relationship-to-possibly-be's based on sex.

yes i could live without it - as long as i am still getting lots of affection from the person - such as lots of kisses and cuddles

But you're violating what you stand for. Seriously. Your rationale is that physical intimacy gets in the way of knowing someone or automatically making it wholely based on it. How is cuddling & kissing close and all the time passionately not doing that same thing?
 .dej
Joined: 11/6/2007
Msg: 65
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Is no sex dating so terrible?
Posted: 7/8/2010 3:49:00 PM

It just seems to be a bit of a deal breaker in my relationships. I want to wait until I'm married but the guys say that I'm being unfair to them.

So my question is, would you be happy if your girlfriend (or boyfriend) said they wanted to wait?

A few months ago I told a girl I wouldn't date her just for this reason.
 catman50
Joined: 9/9/2008
Msg: 70
Is no sex dating so terrible?
Posted: 10/25/2011 6:10:11 AM
no sex on 1st date . WHY ? makaes them want to see you again . if YOU both still C A R E for each other on the second date . then sex may happen .
 totalazzhole
Joined: 3/27/2011
Msg: 75
Is no sex dating so terrible?
Posted: 10/25/2011 10:18:18 AM
why don't you just 'date' girls? hang out with them, have 'no-sex' dates?

MOST guys like sex, it's sort of the point of the two different genders getting together
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 78
Is no sex dating so terrible?
Posted: 10/25/2011 3:03:21 PM
no sex dating terrible ?


no not really - its just pointless, eh ?


otherwise, I'd be out with my sister ...
 m14shooter
Joined: 10/2/2009
Msg: 79
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Is no sex dating so terrible?
Posted: 10/25/2011 8:06:15 PM
I have dated quite a few women I never had sex with, I respect you for respecting yourself but you had better not be a prude on the wedding night or he will be looking for the annulment.


I think not having sex in a relationship until marriage helps you keep a clear head and you know if you really love the person or if it is just lust.

A friends daughter is really bad about bedding a guy on the first or second date, having an orgasm and thinking she is in love and then he is gone. She finally listened to me about not putting out, dated over 20 guys without putting out and then met a guy who is really good to her. She gave him some at the six month mark and they are getting married in the spring. She now knows the difference between a orgasm and a man who loves her.
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