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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > When the bill comes on a first date...      Home login  
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 TooShadows
Joined: 9/26/2008
Msg: 11
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When the bill comes on a first date...Page 1 of 14    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
I'm a somewhat old-fashioned male in this regard,in that on a first date I'm going to want to pick up the tab. With that said,it's not likely I'm going to take her out to a restaurant where dinner is going to cost a hundred bucks. That could be for later. There was one lady I talked to but never met that told me I had to bring her flowers and take her to the more expensive restaurants in town. She thought that was the way it should be when a man courted a woman. She also said she couldn't seem to find anyone who wanted to date her,go figure.
 bercol
Joined: 6/25/2009
Msg: 16
When the bill comes on a first date...
Posted: 7/13/2009 8:55:56 AM
you are very sexiest, so the guy has to impress you, what about you impressing him women are liberated now so now they have to pay there way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 bercol
Joined: 6/25/2009
Msg: 18
When the bill comes on a first date...
Posted: 7/13/2009 9:13:10 AM
that so refreshing to hear a woman think that way, On my first date I would pay because that is the way I am but I think don't the woman should automaticaly expect the guy to pay, when i brought it up to some women they got really nasty to me and insulted my looks!!!!!
When the bill comes on a first date...
Posted: 7/13/2009 1:15:26 PM

But when the bill came, he suggested they split it 50/50, even though he consumed way more than her.

Easy solution. Separate checks. This way there is no obligation.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 25
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When the bill comes on a first date...
Posted: 7/13/2009 1:26:27 PM
like many men, i'm happy to express fiscal chivalry. and i agree in principle with much of what the op is saying. however, a gracious attitude goes both ways; some people refer to it as being ladylike. the op's sense of entitlement shows a certain lack, and she should not be surprised if little chivalry comes her way.


At least be man enough to pay for what you ordered or even better pay for the lady's drink. And maybe you might get a second date for once in your life.
 huggablekiss
Joined: 3/21/2009
Msg: 26
When the bill comes on a first date...
Posted: 7/13/2009 1:31:44 PM
This hasn't been a problem for me. Reason why is before getting into the situation of going out on the first date or "meeting", we discuss it in advance so when you go on the date, you are not thinking about the bill, but experiencing your moment with your date.

ie. exmaple chat dialogue :
him: I'd really like to take you out, how is your schedule like this week?
her: Sure, I'd be interested in heading out with you....what did you consider doing on our first date ("meet")?
him: We could just meet for coffee, or if you would like dinner?
her: Hrmmm.... what is your preferance at this time?
him: Really up to you.
her: If we're going for coffee, you pay :). If we are going for dinner, let's decide how we're going to pay the bill.
If he says...."Oh gosh, don't worry about the bill, I'm paying it" (then that's settled). If he says "we can dutch", and if it's not what you want, then tell him what you think. Let him know "hey, I really want to meet you too, so let's have dinner and we have separate tabs. (comment: I personally would not be taken out to a fancy restaurant on a first date)

This example starts to get that plan going in deciding ahead of time how this bill is going to get paid, so no worries when you are there getting to know each other and either enjoying the moment with each other (or not). Once you have established this, a woman shouldn't feel obligated, however, if you thoroughly liked him and would want to see him again, I would take out some money to pay.

Just got to be honest with what you really want.
 readyornot57
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 27
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When the bill comes on a first date...
Posted: 7/13/2009 1:44:00 PM
my pup had a seizure and had to stay in the animal hospital for several days. The bill was wayyyyy up in the thousands so money is a bit tight right now.


Tracyannk, hope you pup is recovering. Wait a few weeks to inform said pup that he/she is paying for your next fifty dates. (by the way, you are a good dog mom)

I guess I am a victim of my enviroment.....just can't let the lady pay for the drinks or even the first couple of dates.....but $150????? Where do you people eat?????
I am so glad I am not near a big city!

And to the playwright (AKA cheap date ) You found out her true character....which makes the date successful in a strange way. You know, Warren Buffett is a billionaire many times over....but lives very modestly. You were smart to do what you did.....good for you.

And remember everybody, it's not cheap.....it's FRUGAL!
 readyornot57
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 30
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When the bill comes on a first date...
Posted: 7/13/2009 1:59:38 PM
Maybe the vet will take you out!
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 34
When the bill comes on a first date...
Posted: 7/13/2009 3:02:39 PM

Some exceptions would be if you weren't clicking at all, paying your share is pretty much assumed for me.


I find this to be so shallow. Just me. Back when I was dating, if I suggested a particular restaurant, then I would pay. But if we came to mutual agreement, I would suggest they pay for a round of drinks or something.

I discovered that the more you pushed to be that so gentlemanlike, the more you got nothing. But if you were aloof, came across as if you were not interested in seducing her, she would then work on trying to seduce you. So my advice to the guys. If she offers take it. If you offer, pay. But make her make an investment on the date. In the long turn she will value more.
 victoriasnewsecret
Joined: 1/23/2008
Msg: 39
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When the bill comes on a first date...
Posted: 7/13/2009 5:38:27 PM
I guess I'm lucky, guys usually grab the check before I can see how much it is and pay. After they've looked at the check (I consider it rude if I grab for the check first) I always offer, but a lot of times feel silly because they reject it right away. That said, it always impresses me, and I always think it is really kind of them. I think if the guy wants to see me again, it's a great way to let me know and it really gets things started wonderfully. And a guy who pays when he's not interested - it really shows character, and it's totally appreciated!

This should go without saying, but for some of the men who complain about paying for women.. for most women, the better you treat them out of the bedroom, the better they treat you in it. That doesn't mean you expect them to get down with you because you bought them food, but it does mean that if things eventually get to that stage, you may be really glad you picked up that first date.

And for the guy who commented about buying drinks for girls at bars.. if you like a girl, why not? I know personally I'm always really flattered when someone offers, and it's definitely starting things off on the right foot. Why not stack the odds in your favor if the opportunity is there? Just do so willingly because you really enjoy her company and it's worth it. Don't do it because you're expecting something in return.. what an awful way to 'give' a compliment.
 victoriasnewsecret
Joined: 1/23/2008
Msg: 40
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When the bill comes on a first date...
Posted: 7/13/2009 5:55:33 PM
^-- hahaha. If the therapist is the designated driver, I'm game AND I'll buy my own drinks.
 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 42
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When the bill comes on a first date...
Posted: 7/13/2009 6:41:52 PM
It'll probably vary as to the age of the daters involved - the older folks may think if it's the 1st date AND the man ASKS, he should pay. Nonetheless, when I go out, I always take $$ with me, whether he pays or whether I offer to pay. What I do know, is I have zero tolerance for whining about money. If you can't afford a drink or cup of coffee, you shouldn't be dating.
 Irish1973
Joined: 2/15/2009
Msg: 43
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When the bill comes on a first date...
Posted: 7/13/2009 9:25:48 PM
I have to agree with chilln73. I find it a sweet gesture when a man pays for the first date. I recently went on a date where, after finding out that it was a no-go, I was prepared to pay my own way. Unfortunately when I got up to use the ladies room before leaving , he left, and left the ENTIRE check behind! That, to me, showed little to no class.

I find it to be a little easier if you both chose someplace nice but inexpensive. First dates are for getting to know a person, not seeing what they have in their wallet or getting a free meal or drinks. Ladies should offer to pay their way and if the man refuses, she should insist upon taking care of the tip. Relationships are about give and take. Why not start off that way?
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 44
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When the bill comes on a first date...
Posted: 7/13/2009 9:59:16 PM
I recently went on a date where, after finding out that it was a no-go, I was prepared to pay my own way. Unfortunately when I got up to use the ladies room before leaving , he left, and left the ENTIRE check behind! That, to me, showed little to no class.

And, amazingly, that's exactly what some of us guys think in the everyday situation where we get stuck with the ENTIRE bill and have no say in the matter because of the trite, silly, and simple-minded "rules" those who are brain dead try to impose on others. The temptation is to pay just to be rid of the wretched creature.
 rockondon
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 45
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When the bill comes on a first date...
Posted: 7/14/2009 12:22:08 AM

For example, a friend of mine met up with a guy off POF and had a couple drinks while he had a few more than her and he also ordered some wings. She is a vegetarian so obviously she didn't eat any wings. But when the bill came, he suggested they split it 50/50, even though he consumed way more than her.
OMG that's about as classless as you can get. Except perhaps for girls who decide right away that they're not interested but they stay anyway to have a bunch of expensive drinks then leave him with the bill.
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 49
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When the bill comes on a first date...
Posted: 7/14/2009 8:36:28 AM
I always wonder what the OP's "prescription" would have sounded like if she'd been guaranteed in advance that one of her next twenty-five dates would be a multi-gazillionaire who'd be able to give the right woman (to him) a life of ease and luxury -- or whatever it was she wanted, let's just say $$ would never ever be an issue -- but that he wouldn't look or sound any different from any of the other twenty-four. I.e., there wouldn't be any clues as to which one he was, cause he could be one of those "accidental billionaires" (like the ones who started Facebook), who if anything might go to some length to conceal his financial status, since it's not a real core part of who he is, and so also to fend off all the obvious gold digging ho's.

I wonder if her advice would change so that it was always the woman doing the paying on the first date in an effort to impress the guy, sort of like investing in a potentially big pay-off lottery ticket. Or if she'd take the guy for a "cheap date" because he made the mistake of regarding her as an equal... Wouldn't issuing relationship destroying ultimatums like a spoiled ten year old over a $2 cup of coffee then look somewhat pennywise but pound foolish?
 Chiwrtr72
Joined: 6/15/2006
Msg: 50
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When the bill comes on a first date...
Posted: 7/14/2009 9:42:45 AM
On a first date, I always pay (even if I don't think the date is going well). However, I do appreciate a woman at least offering... especially if it's just for drinks.


At least be man enough to pay for what you ordered or even better pay for the lady's drink. And maybe you might get a second date for once in your life.


However with a statement like that... even though I agree with the content, I would not be asking you for a second date. If guys should be chivalrous, women should be polite.
 OnTheM0ve
Joined: 1/15/2009
Msg: 52
When the bill comes on a first date...
Posted: 7/14/2009 12:29:11 PM
I have a general rule of no more than 50.00 on the first date. It's a first date -- you do not even know the person at all. If the person is a flake, manipulator, deceiver then the 100.00+ you spent is no different than you walking up to a random stranger on the street and saying "here..take my money". Never spend more than you CARE to (NOT CAN) spare because your investment may yield no dividends. You do not want to be anyone's free mid-week/weekend entertainment when their real b/f or g/f is not available or just isn't handling things in that department. What should be most impressive on the first date is the ambiance and most importantly, the quality of the conversation and interaction. There are many great inexpensive ideas for a free date.. the best one being: coffee at a nice cafe/coffeehouse. And that's way less than 50 bucks!
 victoriasnewsecret
Joined: 1/23/2008
Msg: 53
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When the bill comes on a first date...
Posted: 7/14/2009 12:39:57 PM

The more I read what women write on this topic, coupled with my personal experience footing the bill, the more I have to agree with you with respect to the woman having no investment in the date.


Ha. Depending on where we're going, I can spend hours getting ready.. and probably more than a few minutes after the date wondering if you'll call. I invest.
 victoriasnewsecret
Joined: 1/23/2008
Msg: 54
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When the bill comes on a first date...
Posted: 7/14/2009 1:01:46 PM
This sounds like a form of prostitution to me!


Cmdr, you entirely missed the point of my post by making assumptions just to give you a platform to argue from. You can argue with it all you want, but don't be surprised when women don't want to go out with you because you equate wanting to be cared for with "prostitution."

For men, they say foreplay is the 10 minutes before sex. For women, it is the 24 hours before sex. I'm a big fan of the biological perspective. Women need a man to show that he can provide and wants to stick around long term - biologically, these are the factors that we weigh in deciding to have sex with someone. We are looking for a mate who would stick around and father a child. And that is why men typically have higher sex drives - to make them put up with the bullshit.

Treating us well out of the bedroom keeps us in the mood MORE often - our emotions are more attached to our sex drives than they are for men. So much of sex is not about sex for us at all. Try contemplating the fact that biologically, we are not all equivalent. And you can argue with it all you want, but these things aren't based off of logic.

Also, I never said flattering someone gets them into bed, I just said that when a man buys me a drink, I take it as a compliment. Way to twist my words to take the fact that I was thanking men for paying me a compliment out of it.

Buying a girl a drink DOES help if the girl is already enjoying your company. If she's just using you, clearly it won't.

Buying a meal or a drink for someone you like is just that - you're buying it because you like them and you're glad for their company. I do it for my girlfriends (when I have the money) and it's always nice when they do it for me. What is so complicated here?
 victoriasnewsecret
Joined: 1/23/2008
Msg: 55
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When the bill comes on a first date...
Posted: 7/14/2009 1:04:20 PM
And once again we see another fine example of how some women think that simply showing up (or the prep leading up to it) is "their part".


Okay.. next time I won't properly groom everything (the things that women are expected to that men aren't), I'll let my highlights grow out, I'll show up with unmanicured nails, I won't wear makeup or a skirt or heels or any of the other feminine things you guys like.. and we'll see how much you like the date.

I'm not saying that's my part. I'm saying it's hours invested in what hopefully will be a nice meeting. Obviously I don't get all dolled up and then just sit there, expect you to hand feed me, and then carry me to my car. I talk and have a good time just like you hopefully will.

Here's an idea. Why bother dating at all? Just take out one of your guy friends - who, by the way, you probably buy a beer every so often just cause you enjoy each other's company.
 victoriasnewsecret
Joined: 1/23/2008
Msg: 57
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When the bill comes on a first date...
Posted: 7/14/2009 2:15:21 PM
^-- It's not smoke and mirrors. It's very rare, in real life, that we can anticipate the moment a first impression will occur. Why not look our best for it? I bet you don't wear a suit for a job interview either.

I'm glad you had a good time with the woman in the jersey. Maybe you both put minimal time into your appearance so it was a good match.. but I personally like someone who appreciates the time I spend taking care of myself and doesn't turn it around on me and chastise me for being "fake."
 victoriasnewsecret
Joined: 1/23/2008
Msg: 64
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When the bill comes on a first date...
Posted: 7/14/2009 7:41:20 PM

Sure nice of her to let us know how easily women can be manipulated - ahem, I mean 'made to feel special'.


Yes, it is that easy - yet note how few men willingly do it.
 EdwardPartSix
Joined: 4/6/2007
Msg: 65
When the bill comes on a first date...
Posted: 7/14/2009 7:54:51 PM
There are no good reasons to simply assume the man should pay because he is a man. However, if you are a man, you shouldn't invite a girl to a nice restaurant unless you are prepared to pay her tab. Of course, there is no law that you have to invite a girl to a restuarant on a first date, so if money is an issue, do something that doesn't cost much money. It's unikely that a girl will fall for you because you buy her dinner at Applebees on a first date.
 toddjoe
Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 66
When the bill comes on a first date...
Posted: 7/14/2009 8:14:49 PM
Quote: "At least be man enough to pay for what you ordered or even better pay for the lady's drink. And maybe you might get a second date for once in your life.

It's not about money at all, but this falls under the chivalrous catergory. Be polite, open the door for her, ask her questions, be a gentleman and pay for a drink.
Not too hard to do".

I agree. It's something I've always done...... Even when I was 16 (Pay for my date & open doors).
A guy that expects you to pay for a date he asks you out on, is just a free-loading loser, and most likely will always be just that......
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