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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > I REALLY need some advice about needing space      Home login  
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 dhosera1
Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 1
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I REALLY need some advice about needing spacePage 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
So my girlfriend and I have been dating 2 years. She came to me out of the blue and says that she wants to take a break. She wants to KNOW if i am the one she wants to spend forever with. She says that there is no one else and that she doesnt want another guy she just wants to hang out with friends and do whatever she wants without me. She said she loves me with all her heart and I really do believe that.

I told her she was making a huge mistake and she said that is what she needs to find out for herself. She needs to know what life is like without me.

We have not spoken in a week now and I am dieing. I know that she has been out with her friends and even at the bars a few times. I am so confused as to what is going on. Why would someone throw away or even chance loosing something so great for what? I am crushed and dont have any direction.

She has a ton of stuff still at my house and she has not made an attempt to get it. I believe that is a sign that maybe she is not that serious about this and maybe just does want time to go out and blow off some steam and hang out with friends. She still wanted to text me and I asked her not to because it was too hard for me to get those from here just wondering whats up like the good ol times.

I got an email from her friend that told me that she is hurting really bad right now as well but this is something that she feels she has to do. She told me that she can tell she loves me with all her heart and its killing her that she has done this to me. She also told me that "if I were you i would not let go of her quite yet".

I am so confused and lost. The only thing I know to do is give her the space she is asking for but for how long. Honestly how long can you expect someone to just wait for you.

What do you guys think about this?
 mcwr
Joined: 3/24/2009
Msg: 2
I REALLY need some advice about needing space
Posted: 7/17/2009 12:56:01 PM
Wait for her to call you. If she calls back and lets you know that she wants to be with you and she misses you, then fine. And are you two living together? If not, maybe you could ask her to live with you if she decides to stay in the relationship. But, if she is flaky and you think that she is seeing other men, then I would dump her. Don't let her treat you badly. But don't rush to judge until you know what is going on.
 miska1
Joined: 9/16/2008
Msg: 3
I REALLY need some advice about needing space
Posted: 7/17/2009 12:59:43 PM
It sounds like you 2 were so wrapped up in each other that she forgot to have a life that didn't encompass you. I am also assuming she is early 20's so in that regard, yes this is the time in her life she should be out having a social life.As well a you.

Maybe when you next talk to her, you can suggest that you both need your friends and each other, and to strive for a better balance. Honestly, most 20 year olds that get together for long term, and I mean years, realize later on how much they gave up by being to serious to fast.

If she really isn't trolling around, this may make your relationship stronger. But you will also have to trust her to make wise decissions in this process also.
 dhosera1
Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 4
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I REALLY need some advice about needing space
Posted: 7/17/2009 1:16:36 PM
Yes we were very into eachother. We did however do lots of things with our friends and family away from eachother. This sounds alot like what she is going through right now. she did say that she just feels like she gave up and is missing out on so much by being this serious with me.

I just dont understand why we couldnt do more things with friends and less time with eachother. Why does she have to be away from me to do those things? Her being single and with friends is going to make her KNOW that its me that she wants to be with how? I just dont get that part. She texted me that she loves me and is not looking for someone new she just needs time to know that i am the one she will spend forever with.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 5
I REALLY need some advice about needing space
Posted: 7/17/2009 1:26:59 PM
I'd give her a month. One caveats. She sleeps with someone, she's history. Other than that, allow her to miss you. That is a very powerful emotion and a lot of times it helps define how someone may feel for you.
 Prylo
Joined: 7/13/2009
Msg: 6
I REALLY need some advice about needing space
Posted: 7/17/2009 1:28:39 PM
Take a break = wanting to whore around
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 7
I REALLY need some advice about needing space
Posted: 7/17/2009 2:06:52 PM
Whatever you do, do not play the be friends thing. Keep distance.
 no_excuses_please
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 8
I REALLY need some advice about needing space
Posted: 7/17/2009 2:38:22 PM
"Needing space" is the coward's way of ending a relationship.
Things probably haven't been going well for a while w/ you two...and she didn't know how to end things.

Honestly,putting your life on "hold" is a very poor idea and asking another person to do just that is a serious sign of the contempt the person who ask holds for you.
Take time off from dating..and then start again anew.

And get her to get that stuff out of your house.
Or charge her for storage....

It's over...
Time to go.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 9
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I REALLY need some advice about needing space
Posted: 7/17/2009 8:17:00 PM
When someone says that they need space, experience tells me that it is the beginning of the end of the relationship. It doesn't matter what she might have told you - how much she loves you or how much it hurts to be away from you. She chooses to break, which means you are not good enough for her, and that tells you everything you need to know.

Contrary to what her friend has told you, I would let her go and move on. Return everything to her and cut off all contacts. Go live your life, be as happy as you can be and get everything you've ever wanted. You want her to remember you as "the one that got away".

Good luck.
 dhosera1
Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 10
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I REALLY need some advice about needing space
Posted: 7/17/2009 11:54:19 PM
Thank you all for the posts.

She actually texted me tonight for the first time in a week. She said that she knows that I dont want to talk to her but asked me about some money issues that we have to clear up. I responded that i didnt mean i never wanted to talk to you again I just cant have you texting me wondering whats up like old times like nothing happened. She misunderstood me when I asked her not to contact me anymore.

She said that she would call me sometime when she is ready to talk and that is how we left it. I think that the texting conversation went well tonight. She is still going out with friends as I am doing the same right now.

I know what hand I have to play next. The I know that maybe we did spend too much time together. I have discovered that hanging out with my friends more is what I want to do and I dont think that I am willing to give that up just quite yet. We were too much into eachother and there were too many rules on what we could and couldnt do. I think that this is my only shot at getting her back in the long run. Dont get me wrong if she messes around with another guy I am gone but if she truely just wanted to show me this then what more can i do but take this route?
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 11
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I REALLY need some advice about needing space
Posted: 7/18/2009 12:06:57 AM
Sometimes you get so wrapped up in being a couple you forget to be yourself. Most people wake up feeling like this at 35. It's not necessarily a bad thing if she has realized this at your age and sweetie, no matter how much you love her, not talking to her for a week should not be "killing" you.

Instead of seeing this as you sitting and waiting for her, you could take the time to hang out with the guys or do things you maybe haven't in a long time because you are with her.

And here's the thing. After two years she asks for a little time to herself, not a break-up just to spend some time apart and you are totally tripping out like it is the end of the world. If you two are right for each other, she will come back and you will figure out how to have a more healthy relationship so that she doesn't feel this way again. If you aren't right or each other, it will hurt but you are better off knowing now than 10 years from now with a couple of kiddos in the mix.

That may be a part of this too. You have been together long enough to either decide this is a forever thing or it's not. Again, not a bad thing either way. If it is that good, she won't throw it away, if she doesn't come back, it wasn't as great as you believed it to be.

The other thing, if you really love her and want her to be happy you will want her to be happy whether it is with you or not.
 stunt groom
Joined: 5/28/2009
Msg: 12
I REALLY need some advice about needing space
Posted: 7/18/2009 4:57:29 PM
Her stuff is like a book marker in a book. She might come back to finish reading it and she might not. Get another 'book' to keep YOURSELF occupied in the meantime. You may not want to continue with her when you find out what's out there for 'you'...
 dhosera1
Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 13
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I REALLY need some advice about needing space
Posted: 7/23/2009 1:03:58 PM
UPDATE:

So its been 2 weeks since we broke up. She has texted me twice. The last time she did she asked why I talked to her friend and not her about things. Her friend called me and email me to see how I was doing. I told her this and she said that she just thought I would talk to her about things before I talked with one of her friends. She said she would call me sometime this week to talk about things.

I have talked to her family as we were extremly close and they are all being so supportive of me. They are all going on a family vacation for a week and they have told me that the subject of me and her will be brought up as it needs to be talked about. Her mother has told me that she thinks of me as a son and wants whats best for us. She did tell me however that what she thinks I must do is move on and not wait for her as she thinks its going to take alot of time for her to grow up and realalize that she made a mistake. It was hard to hear but it helped as it brought some sort of closure to me.

She has still not taken any of our pictures off Facebook. She has still not come over and picked up any of her things from my house. I really still dont know what to think. I still love her with all my heart and think about her every minute of the day. But i have learned to deal with the fact I am without her. If we did get back together I think I would make some major changes. More time with friends and not so much time together is what I think killed us in the first place. We need to be able to be do things seperatly without eachother getting pissed off. I have lost 20-25 lbs and look alot better. Still have 15 more to get to where I want to be. I have been running everyday and like that I am being more active.

I have been going out with my friends every Night for the last two weeks. I have had so much fun. I have met alot of new people and they all know that I want nothing to do with a relationship with a different girl right now. Im just not ready and dont know when I will be. I cant seem to get interested in any girl that I have met. Im not saying that I am not attracted to any but I just havent seen anything that makes me say wow I want to know more about her. Its weird but I dont know.

So I guess I am doing better but I still love her and want her to come back. I miss her like crazy but also like the changes that i have made in this short amount of time. This weekend I am so looking forward to the plans that I have so I guess we will just have to wait and see what happenes. I will keep you updated. Thanks all for posting I look forward to reading your opinions and thoughts.
 Sabrosura
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 14
I REALLY need some advice about needing space
Posted: 7/23/2009 4:12:32 PM
OP: Maybe she loves you, but has realized she is not "in love" with you?

Give her some space, but not indefinitely. If she doesn't call after a few weeks, I would guess it's a done deal.

Best,

 dhosera1
Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 15
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I REALLY need some advice about needing space
Posted: 7/28/2009 11:43:57 AM
So its been 3 weeks since I have spoken to her and 4 weeks since our break\break up. She has been to my house twice to get little items like a shirt and some hair cutting things. She still has everything there! I have heard from her family and friends that she is going crazy with the whole going out thing. She posted some pictures of her hanging all over guys on the internet for all her friends and family to see. She has pretty much publically made me look like a fool. I know that she did that on purpose because she knows that I would eventually see those. I am not retaliating because I just dont play those games. She wants to be single and play that game then thats what she is going to get. I have told myself that I am done and moving on. Someone who has no regaurd for the feelings of others and can do the things she is doing is not someone I want to be with. Someone that can do those things after 2 years of building a life together and throw it away so effortlessly is not who I thought she was. Tonight I am packing all of her **** up and it will sit in the corner. When she comes over next to get some things she will see that I want her out of my house and my life. I am going on Vacation here in a week and during that time I know she will most likley be over and that is when she will see her things packed.
I have been going out hang hanging out with friends and having a ball doing so. I have had opporitunities with other women I just cant seem to want to do anything with them. Like I dont even want their number because I just dont want anything to do with them right now. With time im sure that will pass.
I still cannot believe that she would do this. Thank you all for the posts. They are all great peices of advice. I know that someday she will know that she made a mistake but I garuntee I will not be there to let myself be walked on like I am now. I will find someone that enjoys being with me as much as I love being with them
 big pacific
Joined: 7/2/2009
Msg: 16
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I REALLY need some advice about needing space
Posted: 7/28/2009 11:53:54 AM
Congratulations bro.

I know it still hurts, but believe me you are doing the right thing. Breaks are for people that are trying to better deal you. When a girl loves you sincerely, and trust me one will, the idea of someone else will be alien to her, not appealing.

Clean break, and you played it classy. Better than most would have handled it. Honestly, it's better than i would have handled it.

So you get my internet props. Good Job man, and good luck.
 Stafford_Jim
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 17
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I REALLY need some advice about needing space
Posted: 9/16/2009 8:58:43 PM


Take a break = wanting to whore around

Yup...

An ex-gf asked me about this once, she thought maybe she'd date a few other guys to make sure I was the one. I remembered how easily she gave it up to me (and the boyfriend before me that she told me about), I told her that a break = breakup and it would be final. I didn't care what she did before we got together, but if she sleeps with someone else after me that I didn't want her back.
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