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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > my son is wanting a daddy figure      Home login  
Joined: 8/11/2008
Msg: 2
my son is wanting a daddy figurePage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
He has learned from his "lonely mama" that his life is incomplete without a man. There are tons of father figures available to him --- scout leaders, coaches, teachers, big brothers, neighbors, uncles, etc. --- but mothers raising kids have to open those doors and teach their kids how to make the most of their situation rather than feeling lonely and depressed and guilty and wishing it could be different (or worse desperately seeking someone to fill that hole).

i cannot kill a living being so please do not suggest i do this because i just cannot.

Do you really think it's about hunting?
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 4
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my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/19/2009 1:01:44 PM
OP I think you have to look at two things. He is 13 so bad behavior is somewhat of a given and if he is a smart 13-year-old, he knows he can get away with some of the things he is doing if he has an "issue" and pushes your guilt button for not having a father in his life.

I am not saying that you shouldn't take some of the great advice and find good male role models for him. You have male friends and often the husbands of friends or even the fathers of your sons friends would be happy to help you with this if you ASK them. Does he not have friends where he spends the night and does other things? Talk to those dads about your concerns and possibly if they could help.

My sons have a dad, not always the answer. He doesn't set a good example and they value my male friends and the fathers of their friends who have shown them that you don't have to be the way their dad is. My sons have done plenty of acting out and they know why they are doing it and just attributing it to that is not acceptable and they know that that is not going to fly.

Work on the father thing but he is also old enough for you to sit down and tell him okay, I get it and I am going to help you if I can to fill this hole in your heart but you cannot blame your bad behavior on something like this, you need to behave appropriately and deal with your concerns or issues in a healthy way. Bottom line, by acting out because of his dad, the only one he is really hurting is himself.
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 5
my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/19/2009 5:07:03 PM

i need some help here. my 13 yr. old son has been really acting up lately. when i asked him why he said he is sad because he does not have a dad who will take him hunting or fishing or do the things guys do together. i feel terrible. his real dad has not been in the picture for years and i do not know what to do. he is really depressed and i wish i could get some answers as what to do about this situation so if you have any suggestions i would gladly appreciate it. i cannot kill a living being so please do not suggest i do this because i just cannot.

I agree with the other posters, try getting him involved with an adult male you trust to do these things with him.

On an unsolicited side note, he might be acting out for other reasons, too. Like maybe he found pictures of his mother in her bra and panties on the internet.
Joined: 8/18/2006
Msg: 6
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my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/19/2009 7:14:39 PM

Like maybe he found pictures of his mother in her bra and panties on the internet.

Good Call!!

There are plenty of women raising children without a male influence and doing a fine job.
Find your inner man and do the guy stuff with him. Take him fishing, play catch, touch football or soccer with him. He wants to go fishing? Take him!
Joined: 4/15/2009
Msg: 7
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my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/19/2009 7:58:49 PM
OMG!! I can't believe no one mentioned Boy Scouts!! Maybe I missed it. Scoutmasters are great roll models. It also teaches team work. On top of that you get all the guys stuff like camping and canoeing. Not to mention talking about girls with friends around a camp fire :P HAHA Its a start, and its not as in your face as Big Brothers (Not that its not a great org), but its smaller step maybe. Might fill the void he needs.
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 8
my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/19/2009 8:13:11 PM

itsmejuli...u must be an ALI g FAN..that may explain the stupidity of your reply and your ignorance...

Am I the only person that is completely baffled by this person's responses?
Joined: 6/30/2009
Msg: 9
my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/19/2009 8:56:08 PM
My husband died when my son was 2 1/2. There is no family in the picture. I made sure that my son was involved in sports where there are usually male coaches. I made a point of telling the coaches that he didn't have a Dad and they were always terrific about spending extra time with him, pitching with him, helping him out. In his school, I always made sure he had the male teachers and they were great at mentoring. I reached out to all the men in his life and went to them when I needed help. Teachers, coaches, found a big brother. Husbands of my friends. I was never shy about asking for help with him- asking men to speak with him or spend time with him.

I also tried to do boy-type things with him. he knows mom isn' great at football etc but I do it anyway. I play video games with him, see the guy-type movies he likes and makes sure there are always boys hanging around our house. I also made sure I hired teenage boys as babysitters when he was young. They did lots of stuff with him.

So just surround him with men. You can't change reality but you can talk about it and try your best. good luck with it all.
Joined: 6/30/2009
Msg: 10
my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/20/2009 1:00:03 PM
Judytoo: We don't know what her son did. He said he was depressed which could explain the acting up. I knew that when my son acted in an unusual way, he felt badly about not having a dad like the other kids. So I think we need some more information. It' s not unusual for a boy to express those feelings.
Joined: 5/28/2009
Msg: 11
my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/20/2009 1:33:46 PM
I jsut think all boys tend to cling to be around guys or father figures. My son sees his father half the time. When I have friends over . just normal guy friends he is aways wanting there attention. I think they have a hard time being around girls all the time. Even if you are the one who takes him fishing or campin its still not that same as a father. I would join in some sort of big brother program, either thru a club or thru a church even. Im sure if you just do a little resaerch on the computer there has to be something like that.
Joined: 7/21/2009
Msg: 12
my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/27/2009 11:06:13 PM

Janet4ever is a sock puppet or a troll.

What a rude thing to say... from someone who just joined POF...
Joined: 3/28/2009
Msg: 13
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my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 8/9/2009 2:20:32 PM
I'd say if the father is out of the picture or isn't up to the task as a male mentor, that you should look into reputable programs.
As was mentioned, Boy Scouts or Big Brothers.
If you're a member of a religious organization, occasionally they have something to offer as a last resort.

I've thought often of becoming a Big Brother myself...but, often find myself herding the son and his friends about as it is that I really don't know if I could make an on-going commitment to do so. I do know that it appeals to me to find a kid out there who'd enjoy the same nerdy things I do...since my children don't and I don't force my interests onto them. As not all kids really want to do 'sports' or other similiar things but are more introverted and into, well, nerdy things. They still need mentors too.

Oh well, good luck in your search OP but, try having some more heart to heart talks with your son and see if there's any activity he'd like that you could do yourself.
I often find myself having to be a 'mom' to my son with things like affection showing, compassion and taking care of his basic emotional needs since his own mother isn't in the picture much to do so.
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 14
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my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 9/20/2009 9:01:22 PM
I can relate. I grew up with an alcoholic father, so while I had a, 'father', I never had a, 'dad' present.

I was very lucky though as my friend's fathers looked after me. I went on vacation with my friend's family, and even did other, 'man' things with my friend and his father while growing up.

I currently have a friend who is a single mother and she has a 10 year old son. He's very much craving male influence in his life. I see him often and even do things with him once in awhile because he has no father in the picture. Out of the blue one day he tells me that he likes me a lot, I'm cool, and that I should marry his mother. Talk about getting caught off guard. While I'm flattered, I'm also a little scared for him (and his mom) because he's craving a father in his life so badly. I'm afraid that he'd latch on even to the bad influences if they were there for him. In the meantime, I'm hoping to continue to be able to do things with him on occasion and maybe be a positive influence in his life, even if only a little bit.

I wish I knew what to tell you other than he really does need a man in his life. It can be a family friend, even a grandfather is a good influence as the old generation has so much they can teach the young of today.
Joined: 8/26/2009
Msg: 15
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my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 9/20/2009 9:11:14 PM
Funny this topic came up. since becoming single dad to all these kids when local single moms found out about me now I have a couple of pre-teen boys that come over and are learning to work on cars in my shop. They have no father figure in their lives and are interested in mechanics. I really don't have the time but for them I allow them to watch me work and advice them on the mechanical projects and they seems to enjoy it.You may want to check into the big brother program, I got my oldest girl in the big sister program and she really liked it. she got to go with a woman to plays, and movies and shopping, etc. Things I could do with her but being with a female role model was different. It's a pretty good program from what i've seen.
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